Posted on Molly’s My Space 9-18-2006

I am pretty sure I have never met Paul before, but for whatever reason, he has a personal vendetta against me. I swear he ate a magical bean to transport himself into my brain, figure out what my favorite things are, and then destroy them one by one. Ladies & Gentlemen, I present the evidence:

Exhibit A: Mortal Kombat 1995 - I really do not care much for the game since it is just fighting and their isn’t too much story to it anyway. But this is how he began to weasle his way into the gaming industry to sabatoge it. I remember seeing this movie at the drive-in with friends and I was, uhh, not in a good frame of mind to really watch the film anyway. I think I ate a lot, then fell asleep. Okay, so this was not the best example. Moving on…

Exhibit B: Event Horizon 1997 - Okay, so I think I remember this was not bad. As a matter of fact, I wrote a review for my school newspaper that was pretty good. That was before I got into an argument with the Journalim/ English teacher about “journalistic integrity” and various other phrases I made up. I got an A for the semester involving the horror reviews and what nots, then later almost failed the next semester because I disagreed with my teacher over the tone I use in my articles over some idiot jock that got himself into trouble. The teacher used such words as “sympathetic” and “caring”. Clearly he was making up phrases too. Not to worry folks. I had earned credit in extra courses I took, so I ended up graduating with with great marks. And this really doesn’t have anything to do with Paul W. S. Anderson, but I thought I would throw it out there and see where we could go with this.

Exhibit C: Resident Evil 2002 - Ahhhh. Here is where it really begins. I consider the Resident Evil series one of the best games ever made on any console. It obviously started the whole Survival Horror genre in video games which keeps the industry booming. (Yes, I know Alone in the Dark aka One Eyed Jack’s Revenge was first, not to mention games based on Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, etc., but these games were not groundbreaking or frightening. It took the RE series to really raise the bar and as we saw with RE:4, it is only getting better). So, Paul decides he would like to screw this up by first casting his own girlfriend, Milla Jojovich, as the lead. I think she played Jill Valentine, but I do not remember in the 7+ games that Jill ever took a shower while running from zombies. I didn’t like how the zombie make-up looked or the CGI used for The Licker. And I do not remember if there was a plot in the film other than to get from Point A to Point B. The RE games were chalk full of betrayals, scandals, cross dressers, psycho twins, quest for eternal life, crazy cults, and other yummy things.

Exhibit D: Resident Evil 2 2004 - So, then he writes the script for RE2. He has Nemesis from the RE:3 game crying (!?!?!) at the end of the movie. Uhh, Nemesis was a bad mama jama in the game. He would crush you in one blow. Once again, Paul adds strange occurances to the movie that did not happen in the game. He made Nemesis cry to show he was human? Nemesis is NOT human after being exposed to the T-Virus. Have you ever seen a movie with a crying zombie? WTF?

Exhibit E: Alien vs Predator 2004 - He wrote and directed this making it a double wammy when he ruined 2 horror franchises with one film. This guy is tough and he must be stopped. I am not even going to get into the film (translation: I cannot remember if there was a plot or what that might have been) except to say that he made the Predator fall for a chick at the end and they held hands as they rode off into the sunset. I do not think Ahhhhnold Schwarzenegger would have made friends with the Predator.

Exhibit F: Castlevania 2007 (Announced) - Here is another one of my Top 10 favorite games ever. Let me put it this way, game developers have been trying for YEARS to recreate the magic that was Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. If the original dudes cannot do it, Paul W. S. Anderson cannot do it. I am putting it in writing now that I think he will screw this up. 5 bucks says he makes Belmont gay.

Exhibit G: Resident Evil 3 2008 (Announced) - Oh boy, here we go again.

Exhibit H: Deathrace 3000 (Announced) - Same as above. He is remaking a classic movie and will piss off people.

Exhibit I: Alien vs Predator 200? (Announced) - What is that saying about beating a dead horse? He already killed these 2 Horror Icons.

I would like to end this by saying that I accidentally stumbled upon Milla’s MySpace page when I was viewing something else. I sent her a message asking her to please explain to Paul to not screw up Castlevania because it actually means something to people. I was nice in the message, but she wouldn’t reply back. I heard they broke up recently because of scheduling conflicts, but I really think that he told her that ruining my life is his first priority and takes up all his time and he can no longer see her anymore. I think she resents me now for taking him from her, but I have been begging him to go back to her and leave me alone.

P.S. Alien, Predator, Jill Valentine, Nemesis, Richter Belmont, and David Carradine (Death Race 2000) all got restraining orders against Paul