New Moon Review

Wasn't really planning on EVER seeing this, but I have a girlfriend now and that means since she watches my crap imma have to watch hers.

So where do I start with this one?

I mean it's a turd of a fucking movie, but it is better than the first one I'll give it that. The first movie was mostly Edward and Bella having ass half frustrating, terrible, awkward conversations and a cheapo sci fi channel f.x. ending, at least this one has stuff happening in it.

I'd heard all this "team Jacob" "team Edward" bullshit and I know what it's about now because one's boring as shit and when you watch the movie you yell out, "Will you stop with this Edward boring ass bullshit and get back to the other INTERESTING movie?" Mainly anything having to do with Jacob. See there's essentially two people trying to get with Bella in this thing, I have no idea why cause she's fucking BORING as all hell. I damn near dozed off anytime her and her dull ass sparkling vampire boyfriend were on screen but the indian dude from the first film, who has been eating wheaties like a motherfucker is trying to get with her too, and when Edward leaves because he doesn't want her to get killed (which doesn't make a lick of fucking sense) Jacob tries to swoop in while she's all vulnerable and shit, only he gets stuck in the friend zone...and Bella becomes a MAJOR cock tease.

I hated her, she uses poor Jacob to get over Edward, touching his arm, looking into her eyes and then he's like, "Well lets fuck! You're giving me all the signals!" She pulls away and she's like..."I can't!"

Then she starts seeing hallucinations of Edward, but only when she's in a life threatening situation...which happens to me all the time...only it's my cat that appears in a puff of smoke to say, "Don't stick your dick in that toaster Sonny!" I don't know, it's weird.

Anyway, Jacob saves her life and then it turns out he's a werewolf and he doesn't want her anymore...because he wants to keep her safe...so like any girl when you don't want them they're all like, "Oh you're sexy NOW!" Because that's how chicks are.

So Bella has a vampire AND a werewolf after her...I guess in the next movie a teenage Frankenstein monster is going to move into town and he'll fall in love with her too...then you know....Jason will show up and then Freddy...I mean what the fuck kind of messed up town is this anyway?

So then...something AMAZING happens...for a small 10 minute section...no lie...I was actually INTERESTED in the movie! It happens when Jacob gets in a fight with his wolf brothers and they arrive back at the cabin, talking...and I thought this was really interesting and I wish the movie would've just kept with this crazy ass vampire hunting wolf clan because it's a cool concept for a movie but nnoooooo next thing you know boring ass Edward turns up and he's going to kill himself by revealing that he sparkles to the world...and then these head vampires would kill him...or something. I don't know. Dude if you want to kill yourself I'm sure you can think of something that makes more sense.

The ending had something to do with Bella flying to Italy and saving him, and Dakota Fanning was there.

Then finally Jacob and Edward have a face off and I was like "KILL THAT PASTY MOTHERFUCKER JACOB! AND KILL THAT COCKTEASING WHORE TOO!"

But he just kinda leaves...and Edward asks Bella to marry him...and I couldn't believe what I'd just seen. I was literally fucking flabbergasted.

Look, I don't know what the appeal of these movies are. They're silly, they're goofy and they really don't make any sense at all. The scenes between Edward and Bella are horrible, they really are just terrible man. But if the next movie has some cool vampire vs. werewolf action without all the boring Edward/Bella bullshit, it would be cool...but that's not going to happen.

But hey, at least instead of a big steaming pile of shit it's just a little mooshy one.