As originally presented in my newsletter, THE GRUESOME GAZETTE. Sign up here:
http://www.slimeguy.com/getgruesome.htmlCUE OPENING OF THE BILL O'REILLY SHOW ("We'll do it LIVE! We'll do it LIIIIIIIIIIVE!")
BILL-O: Good evening, we're coming to you live tonight, hot on the announcement that independent Presidential candidate John Vincent Grissom, aka "Johnny Gruesome, the Headbanger from Hell," has finally almost sold out of the Bad Moon Books Limited Edition hardcover of his biography, Johnny Gruesome. Mr. Grissom grew up in the village of Red Hill, New York, where he was murdered by a cocaine addict with the hots for Johnny's girlfriend, Karen Slatter. Johnny subsequently returned from the grave as a vengeance crazed zombie, wiped out half the town, and announced his bid for the presidency as the candidate for the Zombie Reform Party. Tonight Johnny is joined by our other guest, Mann Coulter.
(We see that Johnny is seated in the studio opposite Bill and next to Mann Coulter. Flies are swarming all over the place, but we can't tell if they're from John or Mann)
BILL-O: Johnny, Mann--welcome to The Factor.
JOHNNY: Thanks.
MANN: Thank you, Bill.
BILL-O: Johnny, we'll get to the details of your obviously Anti-Christian, Pro-Left resurrection in a minute. What I want to know first is, how do you possibly hope to compete with Barack Hussein Obama and War Hero John War Hero McCain War Hero this November? Hussein Obama has sold millions of copies of his biography and you haven't even sold out a 250 limited edition press run on yours. He's a mass market media storm and you're a small press corpse. How do you do it? Huh? How? Youcan'tanswermecanyou?
(Close Up on Johnny doing a slow burn)
JOHNNY: You are such an asshole.
(Johnny whips out a louffa sponge and crams it down Bill's throat. Bill chokes, gags and dies)
JOHNNY: Do that live!
Mann Coulter can no longer restrain herself.
MANN: You are so hot!
(The leggy blonde jams her tongue down Johnny's mouth; he pulls away in disgust)
JOHNNY: Get off of me, dude!
(Using his skeletal fingers, Johnny tears out Mann's Adam's Apple. She collapses to the floor, dead. Ironically, she's so emaciated that she already looks like a skeleton. Johnny takes a bite out of the apple and spits it out).
JOHNNY: So much for the No Spin Zone.
(Looking at Mann Coulter, Johnny scratches his chin).
JOHNNY: Hey, you're not so bad after all, for a cokehead skank.
(He raises her into his arms and carries her off the set).
JOHNNY: We'll do it dead! We'll do it deaaaaaaaaad!
Hold on Bill-O's char for the remaining 56 minutes.
ROLL CREDITS
DISCLAIMER: The piece you've just read was a piece of satire. No crazy people were really murdered during its creation.
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