PIRANHA 3D (Early DVD Details)

My assessment of PIRANHA. Saw it last night. (SPOILERS INCLUDED):

The two major problems this flick has is: the sparse storyline, and the sometimes problematic CGI effects. I can' recall a movie that had such a slim, and I mean, slim, storyline. For most part of the movie I felt more like a casual spectator rather than a "participant," and the best movies will make you a "participant" whether you like or not. I actually didn't get into the movie until Jerry O'Connell's character runs the boat into the rocks and floods it, and then Elizabeth Shue has gotta go rescue them. Now, we have a story, and some suspense, and some rather decent acting. Since it was one of those movies where just about everyone was buying the farm, I had no idea if the little kids were gonna get killed, or the son, or even Elizabeth Shue.

Now, the effects. I was initially gearing up to be really disappointed with this movie when it opened up with Dreyfus's death and those really, really lame CGI piranha's eating him. The effects also suffer when the piranha are massing for an attack, and eating people. On the other hand, the effects are really good when they're one or two fish around and the detail on them is excellent. It almost feels like this movie was rushed into release without having been perfected. Actually, it does feel like a SyFy channel movie that had the good fortune to be infused with a lot of money and name actors.

Okay, now, the things that did work for me. The cinematography is excellent. All movies should be shot in 2.35:1 Panavision, it just looks richer, especially if the subject matter is Mother Nature. Oddly, the scenes that creeped me out the most had nothing to do with the fish, or the gore, it was the ominous scenes under the water. I have a fear of large bodies of water. I can't swim and have been plagued by occasional nightmares of drowning, or being set upon by nameless horrors while in an ocean, or lake, or what have you, which is why a lot of those scenes where the camera is sweeping around showing you the topography of the lake, coupled with the ominous music, unsettled me the most. Especially that scene where Shue is reaching for that rowboat, and from under the water you can see the surface of the lake scattered with reeds and sticks. Gorgeous shot, but unnerving on an insane level for me.

The practical effects, where the gore was concerned, was excellent, and the only two deaths that gave me a jolt was the chick that had her face ripped off when that douche bag kid started up the motor and her hair was tangled around the propeller, and that really hot British chick who dies as she shimmies across the rope, her head falling into the water and coming back up totally eaten away with two fish trying to chew out her eyeballs. Holy shit! That gave me more of a jolt than I was expecting.

Another plus . . . all that luscious skin on display. Those two chicks Jerry O'Connell's character had with him were smokin' hot! So was their full frontal, all naked, all the time, shot under the water. I'm actually surprised Alexander Aja sort of dropped the ball with this movie. His remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES was engrossing and troublesome to watch. Yeah, this flick is no where near CABIN FEVER level.

Oh, and a demerit for last summer's commercial that gave away an essential plot twist, showing that the piranha get a lot fuckin' bigger. And, I don't know how to feel about that ending, where the huge piranha dives out of the water and kills Steven R. McQueen. I had no idea that Steve McQueen had any kids, much less any that were currently acting. So, color me surprised when I saw his credit and looked him up on IMDB. Huh!

Basically, this movie is celluloid fast food, and even though I pointed out a lot shit that was wrong with it, I'm still recommending it, and keeping the DVD. It's fast, furious and mindless fun, which I tend to be in the mood for from time to time. I still gotta listen to the commentary, too.

Another thing, a continuity error, I suspect . . . what was the deal with that little girl who cuts her foot on that bottle? Later in the movie, she's walking around like it never happened, and she looks like she cut it pretty damn good, too.

Anyone notice that Alien 3 ripoff scene was missing from the movie, too? The trailer ended it with it, like it was the money shot of the movie, or something. I'm actually glad it was excised, no fuckin' piranha's gonna stop to menace their prey in that fashion. This past summer, they reported an UNCUT version was supposed to make it's way to DVD. Didn't happen, and I wonder why.

I'm gonna reiterate here, the movie was too damn short. It ends just when it's coming into its own, another 20 to 30 minutes of plot would have made a whole lot of difference. And, another polish on the CGI.