Published by Moronic Mark February 14th, 2010
in Satan's Screener.
Chatterbox (1977)
Directed by Tom DeSimone
Starring:Candice Rialson (HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD and CANDY STRIPE NURSES), Larry Gelman, Perry Bullington (who went on to cast most of Charles Band’s Full Moon movies), Rip Taylor (Yes, that Rip Taylor), and the director’s brother Bob DeSimone (The coke head who dates the waitress and gets his throat slit in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING)
It’s true!
The Devil Puppet is making Moronic Mark watch a romantic comedy for Valentine’s Day. Luckily, Mark remembers the movie CHATTERBOX, which is about a woman with a talking and singing vagina (named Virginia) and their quest for love. It’s not really a horror movie, but it’s directed by a guy who directed 4 “Freddy’s Nightmares” and movies like ANGEL III: The Final Chapter and HELL NIGHT, along with the classic flick, REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS. It’s definatly something you don’t see everyday. And frankly, It’s not too bad.
Enjoy!
And Happy V.D.
Continue reading ‘Satan’s Screener Has a Valentine’s Day Episode?’
Published by Moronic Mark February 2nd, 2010
in Satan's Screener.
This time, Moronic Mark takes on the best movie ever made in Alabama about killer snakes. Ok, it’s the only movie made about killer snakes that was shot in Alabama, but it wasn’t all that bad. It does have a good performance from Fritz Weaver and it’s a better movie than that movie with Christina Applegate where she falls in love with James Marshall who got his hands amputated from a backhoe assault from bullies and he becomes a techno DJ. What was that movie called? VIBRATIONS. Man, that movie sucked. Ok, I digressed
Published by Moronic Mark January 26th, 2010
in Satan's Screener.
Moronic Mark kicks off season 3 of his crappy movie review show (the movies that he reviews are crappy not that it’s a crappy review show. Moving on!) with a movie review of a film that was sent to him by a fan of the show (Yes, they do exist). He has a small part in the film and does give a good performance as a mentally challenged simpleton who likes dead women’s fingers. So thank you David M Sitbon.
Published by Moronic Mark December 22nd, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Well Mark has come up with his 50th review of the worst movies ever made (actually that and the 51st and 52nd) and the circle is now complete since he’s taken on some more of Todd Sheets efforts. He takes on the entire ZOMBIE BLOODBATH trilogy. Will he survive his 5th, 6th, and 7th helpings of pieces of Sheets, not if one special guest star has a say in it.
Published by Moronic Mark December 2nd, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Do you like campers getting killed? Do you like Bigfoot monsters? Do you like flute solos? Well, NIGHT OF THE DEMON (singular) has it all. Moronic Mark has a field day watching a film about a college professor taking his students on a field trip where they hunt Sasquatch. Of course, the Suburban Sasquatch has a different reaction to the flick and poor Sammy has to suffer from the consequences, and the Iron Sheik has a lip stick tube stuck in his boobie because he was confused over which movie was being reviewed. And for no really good reason, there’s two Richard Gabai songs in it.
Published by Moronic Mark November 15th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Moronic Mark is still looking at the worst movies ever made in order to save his soul and now Suburban Sasquatch is picking out movies for him to watch. This time he has to endure the uberbad KING KONG knockoff filmed 3-D and in Korea by an American director (no wonder why Kim Jong Il hates us) film APE. At least, it has Joanna Kearns in it. Plus, there’s some Donkey Kong action and Sasquatch sings!
Published by Moronic Mark October 27th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Well it finally happened. Mark looks at a movie that features an Academy Award Winner (who did the flick post win), and suffers through a horrible movie that he despises, even though it has a bunch of tits in it. It has to be the worst horror-comedy that he’s ever seen and he’s made it through a shitload of shitty horror comedies like DIE HARD DRACULA, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 2,4, and 5, DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT, SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST HALLOWEEN, etc. etc. etc.
Heck, REANIMATOR ACADEMY was easier to get through than this flick!
Published by Moronic Mark October 15th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
How many jizz jokes can a reviewer put in about haunted movie set movie?
Find out on this episode of “Satan’s Screener” where Mark wears many hats for no really good reason and looks at DEATH BY DIALOGUE. It’s a strangely cracked out movie with bad audio, yet it’s fun to watch because the filmmakers (it was produced by the guys who founded PM Entertainment) throw everything at the wall to see what sticks. So you got DREAM WARRIOR MVP, Ken Sagoes, a formula one car that shows up for no reason, a generic 80’s metal band, a rubber monster, some cool beheadings, and He-Man influences.
Published by Moronic Mark October 7th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
What does Moronic Mark do when he watches the worst shot on shiteo REANIMATOR ripoff horror comedy with jokes so old they fart dust? He dances (you know it baby) cause it makes him think of the classic video “Move Them Dead Bones” by Dr. ReAnimator. He also makes about 5 obscure wrestling references and there’s a shaved pussy to enjoy. So, his A.D.D. is working pretty well.
Enjoy!
Published by Moronic Mark September 15th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Directed by Peter Maris (CAN IT BE LOVE aka SPRING BREAK SORORITY BABES)
Starring Charles Napier (for 7 minutes), Hoke Howell, some other people, crap computer graphics and men in monster suits.
Moronic Mark finally learns what his bad movie quota is in order to get his soul back. So after this review, he’s got 622 left. Movie 623 (if you’re counting backward) is the INDEPENDENCE DAY knockoff, ALIEN SPECIES. Poor Charles Napier, he’s in this one, but luckily for 7 minutes.
It’s pretty bad when the KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE have a more menacing lair then this movie. Totally tideous, but somehow Mark makes it through with the help of Journey and MALLRATS.
Published by Moronic Mark August 10th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
In the tradition of VAMPIRE HUNTER and PSYCHO KICKBOXER, Moronic Mark makes fun of another movie that that stars a guy who could easily kick his ass with one finger. This time that person being Reb Brown (heck Shannon Tweed could probably do it too, but Mark might like it too much). Reb Brown’s career did start of pretty promising with the 2 Captain America tv movies and some decent theatrical flicks, but then after HOWLING 2: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF things were never the same and you could see Reb in stuff like FIRING LINE.
Here’s Mark’s take on it and a salute to Reb’s other career highlights (and an ending that will hopefully delight fans of Steve Parsons).
Published by Moronic Mark August 3rd, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Moronic Mark feeds his cat and realizes that it’s probably time to take on CORPSE GRINDERS 2. Now, the original CORPSE GRINDERS (which was also done by Ted V. Mikels) was a fun little drive-in novelty from the early 70’s about greedy businessmen who make cat food out of human flesh using a, um, corpse grinder. CORPSE GRINDERS 2 is the shot on video sequel which features the nephews of the original businessmen and a whole bunch of crap. There’s a totally unnecessary plotline thrown in about cat aliens (who of course fight dog aliens in a space battle which features the worst computer graphics since Commodore 64) since, I guess, STAR WARS EPISODE ONE came out around the same time (and features another dumb men in black subplot since, well, MEN IN BLACK came out a few years before that too). Plus, it features a cast dozens of senior citizens since Mikels must of done his casting at Denny’s during the early bird special. You know you’re heading into a bad movie when Dolores Fuller gives the best performance!
Published by Moronic Mark July 6th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Moronic Mark’s dog, Sammy, is depressed over all the celebrity deaths that have been happening, so Mark does a review of a Troma movie to cheer her up. So this little review is for a decent flick with an all star cast (including Fergie and Paul Walker). But don’t worry, there’s still plenty of bad taste jokes involving dead celebrities to go around and ANIMAL HOUSE references for no reason.
Published by Moronic Mark June 27th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Starring: Kitten Natividad (SUPERVIXENS), Jean Poremba (aka porn star Candie Evans and former wife to American Gladiator, Lazer), George “Buck” Flower (THEY LIVE and THE WILDERNESS FAMILY) and Gail Harris (SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE II, HARD TO DIE, and CELLBLOCK SISTERS: BANISHED BEHIND BARS)
Well, Mark’s hard work has finally paid off. He gets to revisit a movie he loves filled with plenty of T and A (and bush too). The movie’s still terrible with juvenile humor, cartoon sound effects, a theme sound repeated 10 times that only has 3 words in it, but it harkens back to a time when Cinemax After Dark movies weren’t all bored rich housewives who become prostitues and get screwed in the navel by dudes in badly orchestrated simulated sex scenes movies.
Published by Moronic Mark June 6th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Or The Spaghetti Strainer Incident or Sasquatch Screener or Mark watches too many cartoons where the characters meet up with mad scientists.
BLOOD FREAK (1972)
Directed by Steve Hawkes (who’s also the lead character)
and Brad F. Grinter (who’s the nutty smoking narrator who can’t go 5 words without reading the script in front of him)
