Cavegirl (1985)
Sure this is a romantic-comedy and has nothing to do with horror. So why am I talking about it? Because it’s Another USA Up All Night “classic”, it has Michelle Bauer naked and I’m really fucking bored.
Nobody likes the nerdy Rex (Daniel Roebuck of Dudes, Disorganized Crime, Bubba Ho-Tep, plus a shitload of other stuff), not even Michelle Bauer’s naked boobs like him. Poor guy. Anyway, his archeology class (they have those in high school?) goes on a field trip to a mine shaft that somehow transports him back to the Stone Age. Oh wait, he was fondeling some magic crystals and I think maybe got shot by a missle? Doesn’t matter.
He exits the mine and soon runs into some silly cave-people who don’t like him either. The Cavegirl, is played by Cynthia Thompson (Tomboy, Traci Lords Not of this Earth). Her film career wasn’t very extensive which is a shame cause she’s so damn hot. Anyway, the Cavegirl, Eba discovers Rex sleeping and I guess is facinated by his 80s clothing.
Continue reading ‘Chris Short Takes: Cavegirl (1985) & Hundra (1983)’
Ok, so Jesse Metcalfe (Desperate Housewives, the original Miguel from Passions) plays this guy who wants to help his sister who’s in an asylum. I guess he’s never heard of hiring a lawyer so he takes the stupid route and goes about this by getting himself commited, via cutting himself up & acting crazy in public. (For the record: If you walk into a looney bin drunk and punch anyone in the lobby, that works too.
The movie begins with a hot chick (Kim Poirier of Decoys 1 & 2, Dawn of the Dead remake) in a dressing room, trying on clothes.. she gets naked but it doesn’t show her tits! What the fuck? Hmmm.. hang on, a quick google “Kim Poirier naked” search shows her naked in the scene. Cocksucking Netflix and their rated R version!
an, I’m almost offended no one here at Horror Yearbook has reviewed this classic yet! This is one of the best treasures the 80’s gave us and so much better than the original, if you ask me! USA Up All Night used to play this all the time when I was a teenager, but when that show went off the air and we eventually entered the era of DVDs, Mary-Lou became a distant memory.
You’ve probably heard of this spoof, if not, well.. you have now. It’s brought to us by same people who gave us Re-Penetrator (Read Review Here lead star, “punk rock princess” and anal queen, Joanna Angel and director Doug Sakamann of Troma and LBP (Low-Budget Productions) fame.
If you’re like me (and I know both the people who look at this site are) you think even the best slasher flick could be even better if only it had some hard-core sex. Unfortunately, the horror-porn genre is a terribly small one and most the shit is just a crappy novelty at best.
First off, I dug the first two Resident Evil movies. They were decent enough in themselves and had action. Extinction however.. dull, dull, dull. It wasn’t even close to Carrie meets Mad Max of the Living Dead like i’d expected.
Troma and LBP (Low-Budget Productions) vet. Doug Sakmann brought us this is parody porn (the best kind if you ask me) a few years back. Having never heard anything about it other than the name, I soon forgot all about it. Then, a few months ago it randomly popped back into my head and was surprisingly easy to score a copy of, so duh.. I watched it.
Oh one last thing, when the movie ends, the actress who played the goth chick sings the film’s theme song, so be ready to hit Stop. Hell, may as well hit your kids then too.
Fuck. I really don’t feel like trying to review this film, but a screener fell into my lap and I told Wil I would do it. So with minimal effort, here goes..
Finally, after so much bullshit persecution Captivity hits the screen. Now, honestly, I didn’t think this film was going to be all that great. The previous footage I’d seen of it gave off a bad Lifetime movie meets Die Hard vibe (and I’m not just making that reference due to Die Hard 4 being resent).
If you don’t know who Richard Speck is, basically he was just this hick that killed a bunch of nurses in the 60’s. I’ll admit I was disappointed that this film wasn’t like some “naughty nurse” slasher flick but, it’s a true story so I can only blame Richard Speck himself.
I woke up this morning so excited; I was able to get out of bed with much less effort than it normally takes me. For today, Captivity hits theaters at last! So, I head out to the nearest theater, which is unfortunate 45 miles away…
Published by Chris Cooper May 1st, 2007
in Chris's Short Takes and NEWS.
Oh man.. Uptight Commies are still fucking with the film, Captivity. To recap, this After Dark Pictures film, starring the sexpot, Elisha Cuthbert, at one point had all their LA billboard and NYC taxi adds pulled…
Published by Chris Cooper April 21st, 2007
in Chris's Short Takes.
Ok, it seems not many people are familiar with Low Budget Productions (LPD); Chris Seaver’s independent film company, which I find extremely disheartening. I’m hoping it’s merely because they’re obscure, even though they aren’t. They’ve been around like 16 years and responsible for not one…But three Filthy McNasty films, two Mulvas and well lots of others.
