You’ve probably seen the TV promos where John Waters introduces love and murder vignettes on CourtTV. So are these Real Tales From Darkside any good? The show is just as cheesy as you could hope from the guy who made Divine eat dog shit in Pink Flamingos.
Honest to god, the series opens with a lovely married couple. The wife turns to her new husband and says, “Now that we’re married I need you to be completely honest with me – Do I look fat in this dress?” As if a size 8 actress playing “plus size” wasn’t insulting enough, the lady has to be that fucking down on herself to ask such a stupid question while standing on an altar? The cheese continues with Walters catching the bouquet like the diva he is. If it were anyone else, I probably wouldn’t tolerate this lunacy.
The majority of the male and female characters are played as stereotypes. The women are little more than boring housewives or sluts that fuck their way in and out of murder schemes. Considering these stories are based on real people that most likely have serious psychological disorders, going a tad deeper with the source material should have been easy. But some episodes are directed by a guy who spent a good deal of his career working on tacky day soaps like The Bold and The Beautiful. ‘Nuff said.
Continue reading ‘‘Til Death Do Us Part (aka Love You to Death) Season 1 Review’
Moronic Mark continues his quest to watch and review the worst movies ever made. Now he has to take his third dosage of Kansas City Missouri’s village idiot, Todd Sheets, with Todd’s film, SORORITY BABES IN THE DANCE-A-THON OF DEATH (a blantant SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-A-RAMA knockoff that’s actually financed by David DeCoteau).
Moronic Mark accidentially sold his soul to Satan, while drunkenly filling out applications to job postings on the internet. Now he has to watch and review the worst movies ever made and post up the results in his little webshow called “Satan’s Screener.” This Episode: Hellmaster - Video after the jump!
A few weeks ago I got an e-mail from Molly asking me if I would be interested in reviewing a fucked up movie called CALAMITY OF SNAKES that a friend of HYB’s was distributing. She even assured me that it would be a really fun movie to watch while drunk or high.
While seeking revenge on a ninja Yakuza (that’s right, ninja fucking Yakuza) boss’ son for killing her brother, Ami is captured and tortured. During the abuse, her left arm is cut off just below the elbow. She escapes before they get a chance to kill her and takes refuge with a family of a boy who was also killed by the same people. Ami forms a bond with the boy’s mother over the loss of their loved ones and vow revenge on the sadistic crime family.
I didn’t think it was possible for writer/director/egomaniac M. Night Shyamalan to make a worse movie than his uneven sunken Lady in the Water, but I’m wrong. I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again before I shuffle off this mortal coil, but I didn’t want to be. I really Didn’t.
Moronic Mark accidentially sold his soul to Satan, while drunkenly filling out applications to job postings on the internet. Now he has to watch and review the worst movies ever made and post up the results in his little webshow called “Satan’s Screener.”
Tonight, Mark watches the Canadian clusterfuck, 13 aka City in Panic… Watch the video after the jump.
“The Incredible Hulk” smashes away all the painful memories attached to Ang Lee’s hopelessly melodramatic take on the Jade Giant and continues to uphold the mark of excellence created by Marvel Studios “Iron Man.” Where the 2003 film featured a Hulk that was a lumbering baby faced loser with daddy issues, the 2008 flick showcases an energetic, angry Hulk smashing his way through anything and everyone that gets in his way. Another thing that distances this new take on the Hulk from the prior shitfest is the appearance of an actual villain. In the last film he faced off against “hulked out” dogs and Banner’s father who was kind of an amalgamation of the classic Hulk foes Zzzax and The Absorbing Man. This time around he’s actually got a great villain to face off against in Tim Roth’s portrayal of Emil Blonsky AKA The Abomination. Basically, this is the Hulk movie fans have been waiting their entire lives for.
Otis is a satire on the recent “torture porn” films. However, it is more than just a comedic take on the subject. The laughs and outrageousness of the characters that we see going on are both thrilling, disturbing and all too possible. There is a huge component of truth to the film, as it goes in to events that happen everyday. It goes past this truth though and even goes in to reasoning, where we are able to understand this mad man. What causes him to be the way he is, is something that is very universal, showing that many people have the potential to be an Otis.
Lloyd Kaufman has been promoting his new film for what seems like two years now and you have already probably heard its praises being sung over and over. I have no idea if I have anything to add to what has already been said, but I will tell you this: “Screw Diary of the Dead because Poultrygeist is the political zombie movie to beat this year.”
Conjurer is a haunted house/ghost story that although it is a pretty decent movie, doesn’t do anything to set itself apart from other films of similar subject matter. The film is in no respects bad, but it just could have been better. This was frustrating to some extent, but with it’s slow start, it sets a casual tone. It manages to shape up with a lot of changes in the story, all unfolding at once.
Stuart Gordon has one of the most eclectic resumes for anyone ever dubbed a “Master of Horror.” He originally made a name for himself in the horror community with the iconic “Re-Animator” back in 1985 and followed it up with other noteworthy genre entries such as “From Beyond,” “Dolls,” “Castle Freak” and “Dagon.” In addition to gore and sex filled flicks he’s also helmed kid’s movies (”The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit”) and silly yet enjoyable Sci-Fi fare like “Robot Jox,” “Space Truckers” and “Fortress.” His past two films “Edmond” and “King of the Ants” traded in the supernatural and Lovecraftian origins of his popular films for edgy drama. While his adaptation of Mamet’s one act play “Edmond” was a bit to over the top to be taken seriously (mostly due to Mamet’s notorious one-dimensional characters)”King of the Ants” was a disturbingly effective piece of work. Gordon keeps that gritty theme alive in his newest film “Stuck” that is not only his best directorial effort since “Re-Animator” but also one of the best films of the year.
I don’t know much about physics, but I have heard that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity may explain why a rancid movie like Kinky Killers, at only 85 minutes, can seem soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much longer…
A pregnant woman named Sarah and her husband are in a horrible car accident in which he dies. A few months later she is released from the hospital just days before her baby is due. Amidst social and political upheaval, she is left by herself to continue grieving and plan for her new life with her child. That night she is alone at home, thinking of her beloved husband, when there is a knock at the door. An unknown woman wants to come in and use the phone because her car has broken down… or has it? She soon reveals that she knows Sarah’s name and that her husband is dead and she wants in the house. But why?
Solstice is a film that really seemed to have almost gotten lost before it has even had much of a chance. It was released straight to DVD without much exposure. I only stumbled upon it through one of the cast members. The description of the movie doesn’t seem that great, but the cast alone really sparked my interest. Fortunately, the cast pushed the film forward further through a story that worked through the suspense applied to it.
