Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to the fifth (and most likely not last) edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, an exciting new column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the gold folks at horroryearbook decide to send my way.
My brain is battered from a viewing of Yossi Sasson’s DEAD AND GONE, which was recently released on dvd by Lionsgate. This cracked out film tells the horrific story of Jack Wade, a poor man married to a rich woman that he hates. His wife falls into a coma, and fearful of losing his only valuable possession, Jack sneaks his bed ridden comatose wife out of the hospital and moves the two of them into a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere.
Jack spends most of his days inside the haunted cabin hallucinating about his wife’s corpse and dreaming about pulling the plug on her life support. He also spends some quality time talking on the phone with Felissa Rose of SLEEPAWAY CAMP legend. Despite the fact that he is batshit insane, Jack is quite the ladies man and he immediately catches the eye of the local smoking hot redhead female police officer with a roaring sex drive! This love triangle becomes even more complicated when the chick who sucked 37 dicks (not in a row) in CLERKS shows up, so Jack does the logical thing and hacks her hand off with an axe.
Continue reading ‘It Came From The Mailbox: Dead And Gone!’
Ok, so Jesse Metcalfe (Desperate Housewives, the original Miguel from Passions) plays this guy who wants to help his sister who’s in an asylum. I guess he’s never heard of hiring a lawyer so he takes the stupid route and goes about this by getting himself commited, via cutting himself up & acting crazy in public. (For the record: If you walk into a looney bin drunk and punch anyone in the lobby, that works too.
Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to the fourth (and most likely not last) edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, an exciting new column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the gold folks at horroryearbook decide to send my way.
A truck load of military criminals during WWII are being hauled off to their Court Marshall when the convoy is attacked by the Nazis. Most of the lot are killed but five escape and quickly make a tenuous pact to help get each other safely to the Swiss border. Along the way they have to fight their way through German roadblocks, dodge air attacks and basically blow shit up. During one of the shootouts with the Germans, the “Filthy Five”, as I have dubbed them, team up (again tenuously) with a Nazi soldier who has deserted his troops.
Death Valley is a desertion horror film taking place in the desert, making it feel a lot like The Hills Have Eyes. Rather than using deformed vicious humans it uses a territorial gang as the villains. The film doesnt do anything completely new, but as it goes along it has a way of surprising you. It becomes more than just partying turned in to a death threat, it questions peoples morals, strength, and just how powerless and lifeless a desert can make a few kids from the city feel.
During his wedding to the village leader’s daughter, Kohar’s wife-to-be starts to hallucinate that he is a corpse and that snakes are all around her. Kohar decides that this is the work of black magic and his ex, Murni, must be the culprit. He gathers a mob to hunt her down and kill her for practicing the dark art and for bringing demons to the village. They find her and throw her off of a cliff but unknown to them she is caught (in mid-air) by a witch doctor who is actually the one cursing the town.
The movie begins with a hot chick (Kim Poirier of Decoys 1 & 2, Dawn of the Dead remake) in a dressing room, trying on clothes.. she gets naked but it doesn’t show her tits! What the fuck? Hmmm.. hang on, a quick google “Kim Poirier naked” search shows her naked in the scene. Cocksucking Netflix and their rated R version!
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army isn’t just the most exciting, interesting and all around engaging movie of the summer, so far it’s also the best thing I’ve seen in the theater all year. To say that Hellboy 2 is the best movie of the summer is a severe understatement. A more accurate description would be to say that Hellboy 2 uses its right hand of doom to bitchslap the entire summer line up of 2008 into submission. It has the heart and intelligence that was completely missing from Wanted, it’s got better fights than The Incredible Hulk, it’s overflowing with the humor that’s missing from The Dark Knight and has better special effects than Iron Man and Hancock combined. Plus its not Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Metamucil or that shitfest known as Speed Racer that alone is a huge checkmark in the plus column. Simply put, if you don’t get off you lazy butt this weekend to go see Hellboy 2 in the theaters you must be an asshole who hates anything great. I hope you enjoy sitting through Meet Dave and your second viewing of “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
Satan and Moronic Mark throw us a curveball this week by reviewing the never released, Roger Corman produced, Fantastic Four. It may not be a horror movie but it is pretty horrible.
You’ve probably seen the TV promos where John Waters introduces love and murder vignettes on CourtTV. So are these Real Tales From Darkside any good? The show is just as cheesy as you could hope from the guy who made Divine eat dog shit in Pink Flamingos.
Moronic Mark continues his quest to watch and review the worst movies ever made. Now he has to take his third dosage of Kansas City Missouri’s village idiot, Todd Sheets, with Todd’s film, SORORITY BABES IN THE DANCE-A-THON OF DEATH (a blantant SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-A-RAMA knockoff that’s actually financed by David DeCoteau).
Moronic Mark accidentially sold his soul to Satan, while drunkenly filling out applications to job postings on the internet. Now he has to watch and review the worst movies ever made and post up the results in his little webshow called “Satan’s Screener.” This Episode: Hellmaster - Video after the jump!
A few weeks ago I got an e-mail from Molly asking me if I would be interested in reviewing a fucked up movie called CALAMITY OF SNAKES that a friend of HYB’s was distributing. She even assured me that it would be a really fun movie to watch while drunk or high.
While seeking revenge on a ninja Yakuza (that’s right, ninja fucking Yakuza) boss’ son for killing her brother, Ami is captured and tortured. During the abuse, her left arm is cut off just below the elbow. She escapes before they get a chance to kill her and takes refuge with a family of a boy who was also killed by the same people. Ami forms a bond with the boy’s mother over the loss of their loved ones and vow revenge on the sadistic crime family.
I didn’t think it was possible for writer/director/egomaniac M. Night Shyamalan to make a worse movie than his uneven sunken Lady in the Water, but I’m wrong. I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again before I shuffle off this mortal coil, but I didn’t want to be. I really Didn’t.
