Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! This latest edition of Brain Hammer’s PICKS FROM THE CRYPT is the second installment of my two-part tribute to the late, great Hollywood leading man Christopher George. Hardcore horror fans should immediately recognize Christopher George from the number of legendary horror and exploitation flicks that he appeared in from the late 70’s right up until his untimely death from a heart attack in 1983.

In honor of the one & only Christopher George…LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!

GRADUATION DAY (1981)

imdb.com/title/tt0082467

A gifted high school track star named Paula drops dead after an especially grueling 30 second 100 meter dash. Her overbearing coach George Michaels (Christopher George!) assumes most of the blame for pushing the girl too hard and is eventually fired. Paula’s tragic accidental death inspires a psychopath to go on a killing rampage. A lunatic in a fencing outfit hacks their way through the remaining Midvalle High track team members and makes them run for their lives. Armed with a stopwatch, the killer always times the brutal murders and tries to kill in 30 seconds or less.

The less than prime suspects include the crabby coach, the switchblade wielding high school principal, Blondie – the principal’s secretary who is up to her garter belt in work, Virgil Frye (Revenge Of The Ninja) as the dimwitted and disgruntled campus security officer, the disgusting yet inexplicably popular horny old music teacher who suffers a little blackmail from the eternally topless and destined to be slaughtered Linnea Quigley, and Paula’s butch older sister Laura (Patch Mackenzie) – who has just returned home from the Marines for Paula’s funeral. Laura will be receiving Paula’s diploma at the upcoming Graduation Day ceremonies, if the quickly diminishing study body lasts that long. Graduating from high school has never been so deadly!

The co-writer and director Herb Freed was convinced that the secret to a successful slasher flick somehow related to the timing of the murder sequences. He thought that it had something to do with how quickly the lethal events took place, or how much time elapsed between the murder scenes. Interesting theory. But I have to question the overwhelming amount of ANNOYING MUSIC that was contained in Herb’s equation for success. GRADUATION DAY opens with a lengthy opening montage of young athletes in action that reeks of stale disco cheese. Then there’s a down home good ol’ whiteboy soul jam called “Graduation Day Blues” highlighted by the harmonica playing skills of the boyfriend of the dead girl. It hurts, but not nearly as bad as the unholy seven and half minutes dedicated to the band “Felony” and their wretched turd of a song called “Gangster Rock!” Despite the fact that this flick came out in 1981, Felony is painted up like KISS and have a particularly horrid disco-rock hybrid sound. The singer of the band is fucking terrible, and listening to seven monotonous minutes of the same verse and chorus is sheer torture. The music is far more brutal than the gore in this one.

Not to say that the killings are weak in GRADUATION DAY. It delivers the goods when it comes to creative deaths. I love the football and pole vault impalements. There are also multiple beheadings, skewerings, and stabbings to enjoy. The shoddy gore effects are somewhat laughable, but there’s no shortage of blood. The acting is hit or miss but not nearly as bad as you might expect. Patch Mackenzie does a good job with a rather limited role and I love Christopher George as the asshole coach. Any flick with Christopher George is Brain Hammer approved. Christopher was even nice enough to get his sexy young niece Vanna White a small role in the film. The killer turns in a great performance too. I can’t say much more to avoid spoilers, but the final scene when the killer’s identity and motivations are revealed is excellent, as is the extended fight the killer has with the ass kicking heroine.

GRADUATION DAY came out during the peak of the slasher genre and managed to carve up some decent box office with nearly $24 million! It has gone on to become something of a cult classic, and a favorite of 80’s slasher enthusiasts. Troma released a very nice dvd of GRADUATION DAY that includes a short interview with Linnea Quigley and a slew of the usual nonsense you have come to love and expect from a Troma dvd release including multiple trailers for other Troma films and an annoying intro from Lloyd Kaufman.

Do you have the GUTS to watch some Graduation Day death scenes?!?

ENTER THE NINJA (1981)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0082332

ENTER THE NINJA features international superstar Franco Nero as “Cole,” an American soldier who trains in Japan to become a ninja after his tour of duty is finished. After successfully completing his ninja training Cole travels to the Phillippeans to visit an old army buddy of his – Frank Landers, and his lovely wife Mary Ann. After arriving at the Landers’ plantation Cole is shocked to find his once proud and vibrant friend to be a mere shell of his former self.

Frank is now losing a battle with the bottle and is also battling a ruthless land developer named Mr.Venarius (Christopher George!) who is determined to purchase the plantation. Frank is reduced to a drunken, frequently napping leader of a cockfighting ring (genuine cockfighting footage is used throughout, sure to delight animal lovers) and in desperation asked his old pal Cole to visit, hoping he could help even the odds against Venarius.

At first Cole and Frank have a few laughs fighting off the multitude of thugs hired by Venarius in an effort to strong arm into Frank into selling his land. But all is not well in the Landers household as Frank is still neglecting his hot piece of ass wife in favor of heavy boozing. In frustration she turns to Cole and he obligingly offers her a ninja mustache ride! Just as the tension in the house is about to reach its breaking point the shit really hits the fan when Venarius finally wises up and hires a ninja of his own to deal with the Landers and Cole.

Sho Kusugi makes his memorable debut as the black ninja, this time going by the character name Hasegawa. The evil Hasegawa has a blast setting the plantation on fire and randomly kicking workers in the face as the run around screaming. (GREAT SCENE!) He then snuffs Frank and takes Mary Ann hostage. This sets up the final showdown between the white and black ninjas. Hasegawa and Cole are enemies with a rivalry that goes back to their ninja training in Japan. With the blood of his best friend on his hands, Cole agrees to a final battle to the death with Hasegawa.

This flick marked Sho Kusugi’s debut in a big budget, internationally released action film. Sho also choreographed the numerous ninja fight scenes which are quite impressive. This typically cheesy Golan Globus production was written by Sharon Stone’s brother – martial arts expert Mike Stone, and was directed by none other than the infamous Menahem Golan himself. More than a few people have poked fun at Franco Nero for his performance in this flick but I think he plays the part very convincingly. His charisma is undeniable and he looks great in his fight scenes. Franco had no martial arts training, so the part of the white ninja was actually played by writer Mike Stone, who did a phenomenal job.

My favorite part of this flick is the appearance of legendary actor Will Hare as Franco’s wisecracking comic relief sidekick “Dollars.” Horror fans should remember Will for his incredible performance as the deranged Grandpa in Silent Night Deadly Night who warns little Billy about the dangers of Santy Claus. Will is excellent here too, stealing every scene he is in with his non stop chatter and constant attempts to sell everyone around him porn. Only the coolest ninjas have porno peddling street hustlers as sidekicks!

Fans of the late great Christopher George will love his over the top performance as the scenery chewing Mr.Venarius. Old Chris was on a fucking tear in the early Eighties appearing in one classic genre flick after another. Chris had just finished Graduation Day before working on this film and went on to star in Pieces the following year! His incredible death scene in ENTER THE NINJA is the stuff of legend and frequently turns up in highlight reels of “the worst scenes ever.” Judge for yourself:

Despite being a fairly inept production ENTER THE NINJA became an instant success and helped kick start the “ninja craze” of the early Eighties. Numerous imitations rushed into production as well, and Golan Globus would release a far superior follow up film – Revenge Of The Ninja, just a few years later. ENTER THE NINJA is one of the most unintentionally hilarious flicks I’ve ever seen. It’s full of hideous dubbing, jaw droppingly bad performances, and lots of failed attempts at cornball humor. This one is impossible to take seriously, but it never fails to entertain. From start to finish this flick is action packed and a lot of fun. I don’t want to ruin the end moment, but it’s a real pisser. WINK!

Sadly there’s been no proper dvd release as of yet. The UK dvd releases are all cut by about 4-5 minutes and this flick has never been released on dvd in the States. I cherish my dvd-r copy of the old school MGM/UA vhs which is 100% uncut with all the glorious neck snapping and cockfighting intact. I demand a special edition two-disc dvd of ENTER THE NINJA with a Franco Nero commentary track and an extensive behind the scenes documentary!

PIECES (1982)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0082748

Boston 1942. A blossoming young pervert named Timmy Reston sits alone in his bedroom putting together a jigsaw puzzle featuring a nude pin up girl. His emotionally unstable mother walks in and catches him red handed. Infuriated, she asks him where the filth came from and slaps around the little brat while demanding answers. She warns the boy that he will end up like his father and proceeds to slam a picture of the man into a mirror. This violent act appears to have a profound effect on the boy. Mrs. Reston sends her son off in search of a plastic bag so she can junk all of his toys. Timmy returns with an axe instead and repeatedly slams it into mommy’s skull! Then the pint sized psychopath removes mommy’s head with a saw! After shutting his mother up for good Timmy goes back to work on his blood splattered puzzle.

A friend of the family becomes concerned when she can’t reach Mrs. Reston and shows up with police. When the cops break in they discover a gruesome sight in the bedroom – enough blood on the floor to ensure that something had been butchered. Then they find Mrs. Reston’s severed head in a closet. Little Timmy is found cowering in another closet, covered in blood and whimpering about a big man that hurt his mommy. We are told that Mr. Reston is overseas in the Air Force and that the murderous little bastard Timmy will be sent to live with an Aunt who lives nearby.

After the opening credits we flash forward forty years to find an unseen killer (who is obviously Timmy Reston all grown up) on the prowl at a large New England university. A bizarre skateboarding accident involving a large pane of glass reminds the madman of his mother smashing the mirror with his father’s picture forty years before and inspires him to go on a brutal killing spree. The unseen slasher stalks after the sexy young students so he can remove their limbs with a chainsaw and use the pieces to create a human version of his prized pin up puzzle! His first victim is a tasty young co-ed that he decapitates with a chainsaw in broad daylight.

Hard boiled police detectives Lt. Bracken (Christopher George of GRIZZLY & ENTER THE NINJA fame!) and Sgt. Holden (Leslie Nielson lookalike Frank Bana, who also appeared in RETURN OF THE EVIL DEAD) are sent in to investigate the murder. They start with the Dean, who seems more concerned about bad publicity than the murder itself. The Dean (Edmund DON’T OPEN TIL CHRISTMAS Purdom) turns the detectives on to the head of the anatomy department and closet campus queen – Professor Brown. (Jack Taylor, who appeared in numerous Spanish horror epics including GHOST GALLEON & NIGHT OF THE SORCERORS) Professor Brown seems to think it might be one of the boys, but Sgt. Holden assures him that at this point the investigation consists of buying clothes without labels and trying them on for size.

Shortly afterwards we are introduced to the campus stud Kendall James. (Ian Sera, who also appeared in POD PEOPLE) A blonde hardbody sends Kendall an invitation to fuck in the campus swimming pool later. Kendall accepts the invitation of course, but the killer beats him to the pool room and proceeds to net the girl like a large fish and then shear away her limbs with his trusty saw. This time the madman takes the girls’ torso as a souvenir. The temperamental and sneering campus gardener WillArd (unforgettably portrayed by Paul BLUTO Smith!) stumbles upon the bloody crime scene and has a wild run in with the cops that ends with Sgt. Holden threatening to BLOW his brains out!

The detectives question Kendall and his nerdy best friend Goggles and wind up believing that Kendall had nothing to do with the murder. Lt. Brown even decides to turn to Kendall for help with the investigation. He also arranges for an undercover police officer named Mary Riggs (played by Christopher George’s wife – Lynda Day George, who also starred in MORTUARY and DAY OF THE ANIMALS) to join the campus faculty as the new female tennis coach.

Meanwhile, the killer decides he needs a pair of arms and decides to relieve a pretty young dance major of hers inside an elevator. Kendall hears her screams of torment and barks out orders to the police officers on the scene. The sight of the limbless girl in the elevator is enough to make a seasoned police officer puke his guts up, but Kendall immediately seizes control of the situation and tells the guy to go call an ambulance! The girl initially survives the attack but dies in the hospital from the massive shock and loss of blood before she can identify the killer. Mary searches for clues and stumbles upon the fucking Kung Fu Professor (Bruce Li!) who attacks her because of something he ate. Bad chop suey maybe.

The mad butcher then sets his sights on the legs of Susie Billings, a sexy young tennis player. The ever resourceful killer sabotages the campus P.A. System so it continuously plays canned intermission music. This makes a perfect cover up for the sound of his chainsaw. While Mary, Kendall, and WillArd are fumbling around with the music the lousy bastard kills her. It’s all enough to make Mary unleash a devastating display of sheer frustration! BASTARD!

Lt. Brown turns to Kendall yet again for help and sends him to the record vault with Sgt. Holden to pour over files looking for any reference to the campus staff. Mary goes to a suspects house for an evening for a cup of coffee and a few questions and winds up getting a lot closer to the killer than she bargained for. Just as Mary is drugged and her lovely feet are about to become the final addition to the murderer’s supreme creation, Kendall unearths a clue that reveals the killer’s true identity. Kendall and the cops have to race to stop the killer before he can finish his human jigsaw puzzle. This all culminates with an unbelievable mind blowing genital crushing grand finale that must be seen to be believed!

I have seen this flick more times over the years than I could possibly count. I make everyone I know watch this movie. Whenever I talk to people about horror flicks I always have to mention PIECES. This flick is absolutely hilarious, and manages to get a little funnier every time I watch it. It plays out like a really gory and outrageous version of an Italian Giallo. The unseen, black gloved killer is pure Dario Argento. The soundtrack from Carlo Maria Cordio (aka CAM) is atmospheric and excellent, even if it borrows heavily from Goblin’s score for ZOMBI. PIECES was written by the terrible trio of director Juan Piquer Simon, producer Dick Randall (SLAUGHTER HIGH), and the infamous Joe D’Amato. (ANTROPOPHAGUS) No wonder this slasher flick is so full of brutal violence and perverse sexual overtones. There’s some tasty nudity to enjoy and even a little something for the ladies when Simon slips in a full frontal shot of Ian Sera. IT STINKS!

There’s more sidesplitting dialog in this howler than any other I can think of. From the cross eyed girl with the HUGE tits that dreamily coos how the most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed at the same time, to WillArd saying he ain’t getting’ paid by the hour to Christopher George telling his partner to take some uppers, anything, just get me a lead! The dubbing and dialog definitely make this work an unintentional comedy.

PIECES also works as a slasher flick. Big time. The graphic violence is very nasty and convincing. In the gruesome scene where the killer chainsaws into the abdomen of a girl in the shower a real pig carcass was used which makes the scene very effectively disgusting. From start to finish this flick takes no prisoners. This gory little gem definitely lives up to its’ immortal tag line: You don’t have to go to Texas to have a chainsaw massacre!

Several “budget” dvd companies have released PIECES. The fine folks at Grindhouse Releasing released an amazing 2-disc special edition dvd release, which is a must-have for hardcore fans of the film. Either way, PIECES can easily be found for cheap – so there is no excuse for not owning this 80’s splatterpiece. This is a fucking must see!

MORTUARY (1983)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087746

Good looking Mary Beth McDonough (best known to old farts as Erin from The Waltons) stars as a dimwitted teenage girl named Christie who mourns the mysterious death of her father by wondering around at night in her skimpy nightgown. It appears that ever since her Daddy got a bonk on the noggin from an unseen assailant and drowned in the backyard pool that Christie has become a chronic sleepwalker. Christie on the other hand is convinced that her mother (Lynda Day George) is trying to drive her insane. Things get even more complicated for the already terminally confused Christie when a lunatic in a black death shroud begins stalking after her with a knife.

In desperation, Christie turns to her doofus boyfriend Greg (who also starred in Humongous) for help. The wacky kids laugh in the face of death and crank up some disco, which causes Christie to exclaim “Hey Boogyman – Let’s Boogie!” Greg keeps himself busy after school stealing tires from a warehouse, stumbling upon a séance being led by non other than Christopher George, and looking for his missing (dead) best friend. The search ends at the roller disco. Need I say more? Needless to say, hilarity and roller-padding ensue. Watch out for the token comic relief fat guy.

Christopher George plays an angry asshole mortician and funeral home owner named Hank Andrews. Hank also owns the warehouse that Greg and his buddy like to steal tires from, and heads up a coven of witches that apparently includes Christie’s mom. Hank’s son Paul (a fresh faced and already completely insane Bill Paxton!) is a fruity little weirdo who also happens to have a big crush on Christie. Greg thinks Paul is a creep, but Christie has a soft spot for the harmless loser who prances and skips with delight after talking to her. Christie and Greg try to find out what her mother and Hank are really up to, and as the title might have already clued you in – it all ends with a deadly confrontation inside a mortuary…where NO ONE rests in peace!

Christopher George AND Bill Paxton in the same movie?!? Playing a psycho father and son duo no less? This is Brain Hammer approved in a BIG way! Christopher turns in another great, angry and irritable performance. One of the many highlights of the film is Christopher snarling “Get out of here before I embalm you!” at his blonde pretty boy co-star. Speaking of co-stars, Bill Paxton completely steals the show here. His performance is…unique, to say the least. This film is perhaps best known for the short yet sweet moment where Bill shows off his new classical music record and then SKIPS through a graveyard on a quest to put some flowers on his mommy’s grave. It’s such a bizarre little moment in slasher history.

That’s about the only slasher history MORTUARY makes. The rest of the film is somewhat predictable and is hampered by a thin body count. There’s also a bit too much disco in this one for my tastes. Flicks like MORTUARY and PROM NIGHT were probably cutting edge at the time for featuring hot and happening sounds, but now they come off as painfully dated. The “who done it” aspect of the film isn’t exactly riveting either. The cast consists of about six people, and one of them is clearly insane. But somehow I doubt anyone would watch this one for the mystery. Perverts will be happy to know that Mary Beth McDonough gets naked in this movie and has a fuck scene on a bear skin rug. This is a must see flick if you ever had fantasies about plowing Erin Walton’s bean field.

Oddly enough, the trailer and cover art for MORTUARY are a bit more interesting than the film itself. The trailer for the film included no footage at all from the movie, and instead featured Michael Berryman of The Hills Have Eyes legend as a creepy looking gravedigger who gets pulled into a fresh grave by undead hands. The madness was accompanied by one of the all time great ominous voice over narrations:

“Before your funeral…Before you are buried…before you are covered with the last shovelful of dirt…Be sure you are REALLY dead!”

Sadly, MORTUARY has never had a dvd release in the states. The title is now permanently confused with the unrelated Tobe Hooper film of the same name which sucked. A while ago there was a dvd release of MUTANT that included the trailer for MORTUARY. This gave me hope that the film would finally get a dvd release, but it never happened. Someone should really put a out a special edition dvd of this one. It would make a fitting tribute to the last film that Christopher George completed before his untimely death. Get Bill Paxton to do the commentary track and you’ve got a winner!

Check out the classic trailer for MORTUARY!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! This latest edition of Brain Hammer’s PICKS FROM THE CRYPT is the first installment of my two-part tribute to the late, great Hollywood leading man Christoper George. His incredibly prolific acting career started with playing a Warlock on an episode of Bewitched! From there, Christoper would go on to appear in numerous feature films including classics such as El Dorado, Chisum, and Midway, and several popular television shows including Wonder Woman, Fantasy Island, and The Love Boat!

Hardcore horror fans should immediately recognize Christoper George from the number of legendary horror and exploitation flicks that he appeared in from the late 70’s right up until his untimely death from a heart attack in 1983. After yet another late-night viewing of Day Of The Animals, I decided the time was right to throw the spotlight on several of those awesome Christopher George flicks. Looking back over the PICKS FROM THE CRYPT archives, I discovered that I had already reviewed quite a few of them. So many in fact, I decided to split up all of the reviews into two separate PFTC installments. There will be a follow up with even MORE reviews (including a brand new review of MORTUARY) coming soon…so stay tuned!

In honor of the one & only Christopher George…LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!

GRIZZLY (1976)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0074593

A giant grizzly bear chomps on campers at Yellowstone National Park. Men, women, and children alike lose life and limb as the grizzly’s mighty paws rip them to shreds. Christoper George stars as the head ranger who investigates the vicious maulings and constantly butts heads with the park’s money grubbing director along the way. Chris teams up with redneck helicopter pilot Andrew Prine (Barn Of The Naked Dead) and a whacked out bear loving, fur sporting naturalist played by the late Richard Jaekel (Born Innocent). It takes all three of these genre legends AND a bazooka to finally bring the beast down in an explosive final confrontation!

This one is often described as “Jaws with claws!” There’s no denying the obvious influence that Steven Spielberg’s classic thriller Jaws had on this picture. The monster on the loose, the trio of male leads pursuing the beast, the greedy and unscrupulous authority figure that refuses to close the park – all of these are direct lifts. But what people who regard Grizzly as a cheap knock off always fail to acknowledge is the film’s incredible wilderness cinematography, which is easily more beautiful and colorful than anything on display in Jaws. Grizzly is simply an amazing picture to look at. It’s also incredibly tense and gory for a film with a PG rating! The bloody scenes of the grizzly paws in action are over the top and sometimes hilarious. On the other hand, whenever the footage of the real bear is used the film becomes ultra tense and menacing.

The posters promised “18 feet of towering fury!” and few people left the theaters disappointed. Grizzly was a smash hit, with box office profits of over 39 million. It was the single most most profitable independent release of 1976. In typical Hollywood scumbag fashion the distributors attempted to keep the massive profits to themselves and leave director William Girdler (RIP) and producers/co-writers David Sheldon and Harvey Flaxman out in the cold. It took lawsuits and miles of red tape before Girdler & co. could finally reap the rewards.

Shriek Show rewarded fans of Grizzly with a fantastic two disc special edition release! The film has been beautifully restored and includes a commentary track with David Sheldon and actress Joan McCall, who played Christoper George’s love interest in the film. The second disc features a slew of bonus features including an extended behind the scenes featurette, trailers, radio spots and more. It’s exactly the type of amazing dvd release an all time great genre flick deserves.

Check out the trailer!

DAY OF THE ANIMALS (1977)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0075913

Director William Girdler goes back to the woods for a follow up to his monster hit Grizzly. This time Christoper George not only has his hands full with bears, he also has to tangle with homicidal birds, snakes, and mountain lions! The depletion of the ozone layer causes all animals above the altitude of 5000 feet to go berserk and attack humans. Unfortunately, this phenomena coincides with the arrival of a large group of city slicker campers going for a guided weekend hike in the mountains!

Chris plays the rugged survivalist and tour guide. His latest group of paying campers include a reporter played by his wife Lynda Day George (Pieces, Mortuary), Michael Ansara as a sensitive Native American, a shy scientist played by fellow Grizzly alumni Richard Jaekel, Ruth Romain (The Baby) as a shrill Jewish divorcée who brings along her estranged son, and Leslie Nielson (Prom Night) as a wisecracking advertising executive with a pronounced mean streak and a penchant for annoying nicknames.

As the haggard collection of crabby campers argue and bicker their way through the mountains they are picked off one by one by prowling predators. For centuries the animals were hunted for bounty, food, and fun. Now it is their turn. Constant attacks from wolves, snakes, dogs, hawks, owls, and bears whittle down the group’s numbers. In the midst of the chaos the survivors turn on each other, and men turn into savages with ferocity that rivals that of the animals! Anyone who survives the day of the animals will never be the same.

Leslie Nielson steals the fucking show as the loud mouthed bigot who goes crazy, kills pretty boy Andrew Stevens (Massacre At Central High) with a stick, tries to rape Andrew’s chick, and then unsuccessfully attempts to wrestle a grizzly bear to the death! Truly a performance to be proud of! It was actually the same bear that was used in Grizzly. Once Leslie leaves the picture it never really recovers, although the climax still packs quite a wallop. Another William Girdler trademark was his knack for putting children in incredibly violent scenes. Day Of The Animals is no exception, as children are repeatedly exposed to the brutality of death in nature. I admire William for his willingness to potentially offend an audience for the sake of creating nail biting tension.

Much like Grizzly, Day Of The Animals is a beautiful looking picture. This is my personal favorite of Girdler’s films. The cast is top notch, a real ensemble that works together perfectly. There’s a fair amount of characterization which adds considerably to the impact of the film. Best of all this flick is chock full of scene after scene of animal attack insanity! The plot device of EVERY animal above 5000 feet going mad allows for a wide assortment of shocking scenes. Once the action begins, it never lets up. This one is a blast from start to finish, and I’ve enjoyed a lot of repeat viewings over the years.

Shriek Show released a dvd of Day Of The Animals that includes two different transfers of the film. Sadly, both of them look like poop. On the plus side, there’s a wealth of bonus features including a commentary track with Lynda Day George, a behind the scenes featurette, trailers and more.

Enjoy the incredible “Leslie Nielson bear wrestling” scene from Day Of The Animals!

CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0081318

A gifted psychic named Mary Woodhouse (Catriona MacColl) dies from sheer fright during a séance after receiving a morbid vision of a priest named Father Thomas hanging himself in the cemetery of a cursed town called Dunwhich. Dunwhich is built upon “the ruins of the original Salem” which also hide one of the seven gates of Hell. As foretold in the book of Enoch, the suicidal preacher hanging himself causes the unfaithful servant to go straight to Hell and for the next three days the moon will turn red and the cities’ dead will walk the earth. Horrendous, awful things begin happening in Dunwhich that will shatter your imagination.

For starters, Mary isn’t really dead and was buried alive. Luckily for Mary, the pathologist played by none other than Lucio Fulci himself didn’t bother giving her an autopsy! Mary is saved from an agonizing death inside her partially buried coffin after a hard boiled reporter named Peter Bell (Christopher George) slowly realizes that Mary is screaming at the top of her lungs inside the casket and does the only logical thing – he grabs a fucking pick axe and slams it right into the part of the coffin where Mary’s face would be! After saving Mary’s life Peter hesitatingly agrees to join her on the quest to find the mysterious town of Dunwhich. According to the prophecies of Enoch, if the portals of Hell aren’t closed by All Saints Day no dead body will ever be able to rest in peace again and the dead will rise up all over the earth and take over the world. Peter and Mary have to destroy Father Thomas’ body to close the gates of hell and save humanity.

Meanwhile, the horror in Dunwhich reaches a fevered pitch as the dead priest wanders the town looking for victims. Staring into the eyes of the evil priest is enough to cause one unfortunate girl (Daniela Dora) to cry tears of blood and then puke up her internal organs, much to shock and disgust of her soon to be brain dead boyfriend (future director Michelle Soavi!). The plague of the dead also manifests itself in the form of sudden earthquakes that cause massive property damage to the local watering hole, angry cat scratching that rips the flesh of a neurotic woman named Sandra (Janet Agren) with incest issues, and undead grandmothers that chomp off a mortician’s fingers.

The town’s madness begins to infect its dimwitted citizens as well. A jealous father takes out his rage and confusion on the town pervert – Bob (Giovanni Lombardo Radice!) and puts a power drill through his brain. Once Peter and Mary finally make their way to the cursed city they are welcomed by maggots that fall like rain. Peter and Mary brush off the maggots and then team up with Sandra and her shrink Gerry (Carlo De Mejo) before heading into the decrepit catacombs underneath the priest’s grave site for a fiery final showdown with the possessed priest.

This is my favorite Lucio Fulci (RIP) film, and one of my all time favorite films too. I’ve been a big fan since witnessing the film’s ability to shock and horrify firsthand. I was introduced to this one via a 1990 rental of the Paragon “Gates Of Hell” vhs that caused several of my friends (and their little sisters) to leave the room disgusted. Since then, I’ve watched this one more times than I can count. I think City Of The Living Dead is a perfect film, and Fulci’s true masterpiece. This is also my favorite of the many genius works that Lucio Fulci and writer Dardano Sacchetti worked on together. A lot of people prefer The Beyond, but I think City Of The Living Dead has a much more blasphemous and hallucinogenic vibe. It’s also a considerably more stylish film than The Beyond and possesses a truly morbid atmosphere that few other horror flicks can come close to matching.

The late great Christopher George turns in another one of his trademark winning performances. Chris was on a fucking tear in the early 80’s, appearing in one classic genre flick after another before his death in 1983. Who knows how many more amazing films Christopher would have starred in if only given the chance? The mind boggles. It’s great that Christopher George and Lucio Fulci were able to work together.

Fulci’s favorite leading lady, Catriona MacColl (The Beyond, House By The Cemetery) and his favorite female victim – Daniela Dora (The New York Ripper, House By The Cemetery) both star here and both contribute greatly to the film’s success. Catriona does a remarkable job in the role of Mary. Her scene inside the coffin when she wakes up buried alive is fantastic. Daniela steals the entire movie and instantly ensured a place in the annals of horror history for participating in what has to be one of the most insanely sickening death scenes ever captured on film. Daniela proved her “guts” by having the nerve to swallow actual sheep entrails and regurgitate them on camera at Fulci’s command! This is only one of the memorable moments of City Of The Living Dead, but the iconic image of Daniela crying tears of blood and then slowly puking up her innards is what immediately comes to a horror fan’s mind when you hear the title.

The living dead mostly take a back seat to the buckets of blood and maggots, but there should be more than enough gut barfing and brain ripping to keep gorehounds happy. The splatter effects from Gino De Rossi (Zombi II, Cannibal Ferox) are about as top notch as they come. But for some random and completely hysterical reason, whenever the frequently repeated closeup shot of the brain ripping is shown the hand doing the ripping clearly belongs to a black man with hairy knuckles! This makes the climax to the aforementioned gut barfing scene unintentionally hilarious as clearly it’s not Daniela’s hand ripping out Michelle Soavi’s brain. The zombies we do get to see look fantastic, as they were created by the legendary Rosario Prestopino (Zombi II, Burial Ground). City Of The Living Dead is a film with guts, and a lot of them.

This should be considered mandatory viewing for all horror fans. Sharp eyed Italian horror buffs will get a kick out of seeing so many familiar faces. (Watch out for Perry Pirkanen of Cannibal Ferox/Holocaust legend in a small yet pivotal role as a perverted gravedigger!) I really can’t say enough good things about this one. City Of The Living Dead is a horror classic. Anchor Bay and Blue Underground have both released City Of The Living Dead on dvd. The dvd features the theatrical trailer and radio spots. BUY IT!

Do you have the GUTS to watch the Italian trailer for CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD?!?

THE EXTERMINATOR (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0080707

This flick opens with a bang right in the middle of a burning jungle in Vietnam. A trio of GI’s including our hero John Eastland (the late Robert Ginty) and his best pal Michael Jefferson are taken prisoner by the Vietcong, who proceed to tie them up and interrogate them. One of the unlucky soldiers is decapitated before Jefferson can get free and proceed to blow the shit out of everybody in a merciless slow motion bloodbath. John and Mike fight their way to a helicopter which carries them both to safety.

We then flash forward about a dozen years or so and find the two vets working together in the same NYC warehouse. John discovers a pack of street thugs stealing beer one afternoon and a violent confrontation ensues. Mike shows up and the two pals manage to run the punks off. This leads to a retaliatory beat down and flesh ripping attack that leaves Mike in a hospital bed, paralyzed for life. John uses his trusty flamethrower to get information and quickly tracks down the punks that crippled his friend. After a dramatic confrontation that includes the classic line “That nigger was my best friend, you motherfucker!” John fills the scumbags full of lead and leaves one of them still alive to have his face eaten off by rats!

Not content to stop there, John soon unleashes an onslaught of violent fury against the entire NYC underworld. No pimp, pervert, or pusher is safe. “The Exterminator” is best known for his trademark flamethrower, but he also takes the time to make his own homemade mercury filled bullets, and really knows his way around an industrial meat grinder too! I always get a chuckle out of seeing a fully clothed mafioso going into the meat grinder and nothing but fresh ground hamburger coming out of it! No pesky clothing or shoe pieces to worry about!

Christopher George plays the hard boiled cop trying to track down the exterminator down. Chris takes up a lot of the running time slowly investigating the case, cooking hot dogs, and romancing his doctor-girlfriend, played by Samantha Eggar (The Brood). Sadly, the scenes with these two are pretty much worthless. The vigilante quickly becomes a hero to the public but is considered a dangerous menace by the mayor, who fears more for his re-election attempt than he does the publics safety. As the body count rises John also becomes a target for the C.I.A., who consider him to be a threat to national security.

The notorious James Glickenhaus wrote and directed this classic exploitation flick which is chock full of nasty violence and SLEAZE including child prostitution, sex slaves, torture, mutilation, and disfigurement! The perverted sequences featuring the “chicken shack” are unreal. It makes you wonder where in the hell this stuff was filmed! There’s an especially gory decapitation during the violent opening sequence that ranks as one of the best I’ve ever seen. Not realistic by any means, but exceptionally cool looking! This flick is a little uneven in terms of pacing, but more than makes up for it with grit and grue.

Like any exploitation flick, this has to be seen in all of its full uncut glory to be appreciated. When the more extreme moments of splatter are scissored there’s not a lot left here to be enjoyed. This film was heavily edited to earn an R rating. Tango Entertainment recently released the digitally remastered unrated director’s cut on dvd. That’s the only version worth seeing. Fans of violent genre flicks influenced by Death Wish and Taxi Driver will eat this up.

Check out the trailer!

That’s all for now. I’ll be back with even more Christopher George action in my next edition of PFTC, so stay tuned and as always…

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

RITUALS (1977)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076630

Five middle aged doctors in matching yellow hats plan a backwoods getaway for a little much needed r&r. This vacation will also test the limits of the crabby & flabby doctors’ endurance. They are dropped off by seaplane in the middle of nowhere and left to their own devices for seven days. The week will involve an eighty mile hike to the isolated spot where the plane will be waiting.

On the first evening in the woods the doctors (Harry, Mitzi, DJ, Abel, and Martin) stay up all night getting drunk and having arguments about their professional ethics. Harry (Hal Holbrook) and Mitzi (Lawrence Dane) bicker over how long Harry lets his patients suffer on the operating table before finally pulling the plug on them. Then they begin drunkenly bragging and chanting about being doctors and do their best Frankenstein impressions to mock dying patients. Unfortunately for everyone involved, someone is watching and listening in the woods and doesn’t find the doctor’s antics amusing.

The next morning the doctors wake up and discover their boots are missing. They immediately know something is very wrong and blame roaming thieves or boot freaks. DJ was the only one who brought an extra pair of boots, and he goes wandering off to find a hydroelectric dam they had spotted on the map earlier. The remaining doctors stay put and spend the night. The next morning they awaken to find a macabre work of art in front of their tents. The same creep who stole their boots returned in the night and left behind a dead deer covered with snakes. The men are horrified, even more so when they see that the work of art bears resemblance to the international cross and snake symbol for doctors.

Boots or no boots, the shaken doctors then decide to head towards the dam looking for DJ. Before they can make much progress someone throws an angry beehive at them and sends them running for their lives into the water. Fatty doctor Abel makes the fatal mistake of diving in headfirst and smashes his head on a rock. The gentle boob then drowns before the others can save him. Martin finds DJ’s rope stung up across the river and tries to make the trek across, but steps on a waiting bear trap for his efforts. Once again, the creeper is one step ahead of them.

Harry and Mitzi then have to carry Martin around on a homemade stretcher as they try to make their way to safety. The creeper starts leaving clues to his identity, including a brutal set of army x-rays dating back to 1945. The doctors now understand that whomever is after them obviously has a burning hatred for doctors and a thirst for revenge. They struggle to keep their heads together but the stress of carrying around their fallen comrade begins wearing them down. Mitzi is left in charge of keeping watch the following night but falls asleep. The next morning they discover the severed head of their gentle boob buddy Abel on a stick (Fuck Wolf Creek! This was the ORIGINAL “head on a stick” flick!). Harry at that point goes completely insane and chucks the head on a stick off a cliff like a lollipop javelin!

Mitzi is reduced to a blubbering imbecile who can’t stop crying and screaming. Harry on the other hand begins a transformation into a hardened warrior. He also carries most of the load while hauling around Martin. When they finally make it to the dam they discover that it had been abandoned years before. Their friend DJ is waiting for them, but he’s tied to a chair and almost dead from blood loss. This time around Harry is quick to pull the plug on a suffering friend and puts DJ out of his misery. Mitzi is completely disgusted by this and runs off screaming like a woman. Harry then makes another tough decision and decides to leave Martin behind to die instead trying to carry him by himself.

Harry takes shelter in the first cabin he can find. Unfortunately, that cabin belongs to the creeper and his older brother. Harry puts the blast on the old man and then has a wild run in with the creeper that leaves him with a gushing femoral artery. Harry is forced to cauterize the wound by pouring gunpowder into it and lighting it on fire. (Rambo III ripped that off big time!) The final excruciating scenes feature a fiery showdown between the Harry and the creeper highlighted with Mitzi being roasted alive! Can Harry finally pull the plug on the creeper? If you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise!

RITUALS (aka The Creeper) was shot in 1976 but it didn’t see an American release until 1978. The film got mixed reviews (the acting was always praised) but was often dismissed as a Canadian knock-off of Deliverance. The film has gone on to earn a cult following over the years and uncut copies of the film are coveted by collectors. The reason this one is considered such a classic is because it combines some incredibly beautiful wilderness locations and genuinely gruesome and unsettling violence. The film ramps up the tension until the final scenes, which are especially brutal. The highlight of the film is undoubtedly the head on a stick shot, but the cauterization and burning scenes are also jaw droppers. For a 70’s horror flick this is some truly gruesome, realistic violence.

Other reasons why I consider this film to be a superior backwoods bloodbath are the acting and the story. As you would expect from a film with Hal Holbrook in the lead, the acting in this movie is excellent. Hilariously, there’s a shot of Hal in this flick that was actually used for the cover of his 1979 soft rock album “On The Road To Soft Gold.” You can’t make stuff like that up folks! The rest of the cast are also top notch. There is a lot of genuine tension between Hal & Lawrence Dane in this one. The way they bicker towards the end of the film feels very real. The story stands out for being exceptionally brutal, but also original. The killer’s hatred of doctors and macabre motivation for rural revenge is unique, and it also comes across as real. I also like the fact that a lot of the story isn’t spelled out for you right away, and that you get to experience the film on deeper levels when you watch it again knowing the killer’s motivations.

RITUALS is a great flick, and it really needs a special dvd release. You can currently find the edited tv version of the film (under the title The Creeper) in one of those cheap-o “horror collections” from Mill Creek. The uncut version of the film is making the rounds on the internet. You can usually find it for cheap on ebay or ioffer. It’s well worth seeking out a copy. This a fantastic flick that deserves a larger audience!

Check out the trailer!

JUST BEFORE DAWN (1981)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082592

Two drunks named Ty & Vechel take a break from deer hunting deep in the woods to check out an abandoned church. Ty (the same old dude who played Mel in Sleepaway Camp!) begins preaching the gospel of drunken excess before turning his eyes towards the heavens and catching a glimpse a of large man staring back down at him through a hole in the roof. Ty stumbles outside to see who this guy is and watches in horror as his pickup truck rolls downhill and crashes in flames. Vechel turns around and comes face to face with a grotesque looking mountain man who gives him an impromptu circumcision with a saw. Run for your life. The nightmare has begun.

It will find you in the hour when dream and reality merge. The last desperate moment of darkness. Just before dawn. That’s when a group of five young people traveling in a Winnebago make their way towards a mountain vacation. The isolated mountain location promises nothing but 4000 feet of granite, water, and wood, and the kids hope to become a part of the mountain and find its soul. A chubby forest ranger played by George Kennedy stops the group before they reach the mountain and gives them the standard “you kids have been warned” prophet of doom speech.

They were warned. But they did not understand the warning. Then the kids have a wild run in with Ty, who is still on the run from the beginning of the film. Ty tries in vain to convince the kids to turn around and leave while they still can but they dismiss him as a drunken retard. The drunken retard has the last laugh though when he sees his nephew’s killer jump on top of the Winnebago as it pulls away. They came to the mountain for adventure and escape. What they found was a trial which only the strongest could survive.

How could they know that beneath the awesome beauty of nature lay violence, danger, and death? How could they know the heat of their bodies was the magnet that would draw the terror to them? When darkness falls the girls let their hair down and boogie down in the moonlight. The fun is short lived when a local yokel named Pa Logan shows up and blasts the kids’ boom box with his shotgun. Pa brings along his haggard looking wife Ma and their batshit insane daughter Merry Cat. The family again tries to warn the kids that they are all doomed, and Pa tells them if they don’t leave they will “raise the devil.” For the THIRD time in as many days, they were warned… but again they did not understand the warning. They stubbornly decide to stay put and finish their vacation. The days of leisure turn into nights of terror when the killer returns. Just before dawn… they will cry out. Just before dawn… they will struggle to escape. Just before dawn… the demon lives! If only they could die in their sleep!

I am a huge fan of this flick. I think JUST BEFORE DAWN is one of the most underrated 80’s slasher flicks. It’s also one of the very best “hicks in the sticks flicks” ever made. The film was shot on location at Silver Falls State Park in Oregon and it features some of the most impressive outdoor scenery in horror history. It’s amazing how director Jeff Lieberman can create such a raw claustrophobic atmosphere inside such a lush and vast natural setting. What’s unique about this one is the way it combines the beauty of nature and the ugliness of violence. It’s also better acted than your average backwoods slasher flick. The two lead actresses are fantastic. Deborah Benson in particular really stands out with an amazing transformation into an ass kicking horror heroine.

I really dig the killer in this one. There’s a bit of a twist of course which I don’t want to spoil, but for the most part the killer is just a big fat ugly redneck. I like that there is no real explanation for who the killer is and why the murders are happening. If you choose to dig deeper into the film you might find some subtext about religion and find a connection between the abandoned church and the “demon” killer. The kids could also represent the “evil” of the big city which threatens to invade the god fearing mountain community. The real focus here is civilization versus barbarism. Our heroine has to become as savage as the killers in order to survive. It’s all a bit more interesting than a guy in a hockey mask randomly killing people, but for some reason flicks like JUST BEFORE DAWN are often dismissed as inferior imitations. The 80’s slasher market was overcrowded, and even in 1981 a superior flick like this could get overlooked.

Shriek Show released a two disc special edition dvd of JUST BEFORE DAWN that was hit & miss. There was only one real negative, but it was a big one! The opening death scene was trimmed and missing some gore footage. Other than that, the print was intact. It’s a little soft looking, but it was watchable. The positives outweigh the negatives of course. The two disc release includes a fantastic hour plus featurette titled “Just Before Dawn: Lions, Tigers, And Inbred Twins” that includes interviews with the cast and crew. Other bonus features include director’s commentary, photo gallery, and the kick ass theatrical trailers. (which I extensively ripped off for this review!) Fans of 80’s slasher flicks need to have this in their collections!

Will you survive those hours…JUST BEFORE DAWN?!?

HUMONGOUS (1982)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082537

It all began with a brutal rape after a drunken bash in Ontario; doesn’t it always? A young woman named Irma is raped by a sweaty fellow who promises to give the “old maid” what she has been missing. This evil act is promptly avenged with violent bestial death when a wild pack of security dogs rip the rapist to pieces, but the seeds of evil were planted deep and a hideous birth is the end result. Irma then hides her deformed monster son on a deserted island protected by the same wild dogs. The island stays deserted over the years because the little monster’s toys were once girls and boys.

Flash forward thirty years: Momma is long since dead, and baby Humongous is now all grown up and free to play. Also playing in the water nearby are a gaggle of teenage imbeciles, including good looking blonde leader Eric and his good natured love interest Sandy. Also along for the boat ride are a geeky chick with glasses named Carla, a hothead with a mullet named Nick, and a chick with huge tits named Donna. The party rages until Nick gets shitfaced and grabs a shotgun. Then a violent power struggle ensues, and a child’s toy boat is lit on fire… at least I think that’s what I just saw. That was a seriously cheap looking effect!

The kids and Bob the boat captain wind up washed up on the island of the Humongous. Nick goes looking for the old lady who supposedly lives on the island and gets chased around by the last remaining wild dog for his efforts. Things then go from bad to worse when Nick lands in a bear trap and then meets Junior. Eric and Sandy eventually wonder off looking for clues. Donna in the meantime makes great use of her massive tits by using them both as a blueberry basket and a blanket. Eric and Sandy discover the always conveniently located photo book full of back story, and then the monster’s basement shrine to momma filled with rotting corpses. When they try to warn the others it’s already too late. Massive malformed hands crush skulls like grapes. Necks are swiftly snapped and fresh bodies are stashed away for later consumption. A fiery deathtrap proves useless. It’s loose…it’s angry…and it’s getting hungry!

HUMONGOUS is one of those rare horror flicks that manages to kick ass despite the fact that the print is pitch black and most likely edited. Most of the death scenes occur in murky darkness and what little you can make out seems trimmed. Despite these fatal flaws, the film is still a kick ass slasher flick with unbeatable atmosphere and violence. Director Paul Lynch had previously struck slasher gold with PROM NIGHT, and once again he proves himself very capable of helming a superior slasher. The story is nasty from start to finish, and there is pretty much zero chance any of the kids will survive.

The Humongous monster is a rather unique slasher killer. His closest living relatives would probably be the freaks in Hell Night. HUMONGOUS is somewhat tame in the blood and guts department, but it’s questionable how much footage was scissored for release. You never get a really good look at the monster: only a few select shots of his deformed face, hands, and body. The monster is not the star of the show here. The focus instead goes to the kids and trying to make them sympathetic body count fodder. This one actually reminds me of Prom Night in that sense. It’s something of a suspense thriller occasionally punctuated with slasher violence, but unlike Prom Night and the majority of other 80’s slasher flicks, in HUMONGOUS there is no element of revenge motivating the killings. This is man versus beast in a struggle for survival.

Sadly, this flick has not had a proper dvd release yet. It’s making the rounds on the internet, but beware of edited prints beings sold as “uncut.” You can tell right away if you have an edited print by watching the opening rape scene. If the scene seems a bit short, it’s edited. If you get several sweaty closeups of the rapist’s face while he pumps away you actually have the UNCUT version. All versions I’ve seen, uncut or otherwise are pitch black. Some are dark to the point of being almost unwatchable. The night scenes become old time radio serials. HUMONGOUS is another great old school horror flick that needs a special edition dvd release. I’d love to “see” this one for the first time!

Do you have the GUTS to watch the trailer for HUMONGOUS?!?

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

GRADUATION DAY (1981)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0082467

A gifted high school track star named Paula drops dead after an especially grueling 30 second 100 meter dash. Her overbearing coach George Michaels (Christopher George of “Pieces” & “Enter The Ninja” legend!) assumes most of the blame for pushing the girl too hard and is eventually fired. Paula’s tragic accidental death inspires a psychopath to go on a killing rampage. A lunatic in a fencing outfit hacks their way through the remaining Midvalle High track team members and makes them run for their lives. Armed with a stopwatch, the killer always times the brutal murders and tries to kill in 30 seconds or less.

The less than prime suspects include the crabby coach, the switchblade wielding high school principal, Blondie – the principal’s secretary who is up to her garter belt in work, Virgil Frye (Revenge Of The Ninja) as the dimwitted and disgruntled campus security officer, the disgusting yet inexplicably popular horny old music teacher who suffers a little blackmail from the eternally topless and destined to be slaughtered Linnea Quigley, and Paula’s butch older sister Laura (Patch Mackenzie) – who has just returned home from the Marines for Paula’s funeral. Laura will be receiving Paula’s diploma at the upcoming Graduation Day ceremonies, if the quickly diminishing study body lasts that long. Graduating from high school has never been so deadly!

The co-writer and director Herb Freed was convinced that the secret to a successful slasher flick somehow related to the timing of the murder sequences. He thought that it had something to do with how quickly the lethal events took place, or how much time elapsed between the murder scenes. Interesting theory. But I have to question the overwhelming amount of ANNOYING MUSIC that was contained in Herb’s equation for success. GRADUATION DAY opens with a lengthy opening montage of young athletes in action that reeks of stale disco cheese. Then there’s a down home good ol’ whiteboy soul jam called “Graduation Day Blues” highlighted by the harmonica playing skills of the boyfriend of the dead girl. It hurts, but not nearly as bad as the unholy seven and half minutes dedicated to the band “Felony” and their wretched turd of a song called “Gangster Rock!” Despite the fact that this flick came out in 1981, Felony is painted up like KISS and have a particularly horrid disco-rock hybrid sound. The singer of the band is fucking terrible, and listening to seven monotonous minutes of the same verse and chorus is sheer torture. The music is far more brutal than the gore in this one.

Not to say that the killings are weak in GRADUATION DAY. It delivers the goods when it comes to creative deaths. I love the football and pole vault impalements. There are also multiple beheadings, skewerings, and stabbings to enjoy. The shoddy gore effects are somewhat laughable, but there’s no shortage of blood. The acting is hit or miss but not nearly as bad as you might expect. Patch Mackenzie does a good job with a rather limited role and I love Christopher George as the asshole coach. Any flick with Christopher George is Brain Hammer approved. Christopher was even nice enough to get his sexy young niece Vanna White a small role in the film. The killer turns in a great performance too. I can’t say much more to avoid spoilers, but the final scene when the killer’s identity and motivations are revealed is excellent, as is the extended fight the killer has with the ass kicking heroine.

GRADUATION DAY came out during the peak of the slasher genre and managed to carve up some decent box office with nearly $24 million! It has gone on to become something of a cult classic, and a favorite of 80’s slasher enthusiasts. Troma released a very nice dvd of GRADUATION DAY that includes a short interview with Linnea Quigley and a slew of the usual nonsense you have come to love and expect from a Troma dvd release including multiple trailers for other Troma films and an annoying intro from Lloyd Kaufman.

Do you have the GUTS to watch some Graduation Day death scenes?!?

CLASS OF 1984 (1982)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0083739

A masterpiece of prophetic punk rock perfection written and directed by Mark L. Lester, who also helmed the classic “Commando.” An idealistic pacifist music teacher named Andy Norris (played by the bearded and sensitive looking Perry King) is transferred to Lincoln High, an ultra violent and dangerous inner city high school. After settling into the neighborhood with his pregnant wife he immediately runs afoul of the local teenage gestapo, led by the brilliant yet twisted student Peter Stegman. (played by Timothy Van Patten of “White Shadow” & “Master Ninja” infamy)

Stegman is a ruthless kingpin of crime who controls the booming high school drug and prostitution rackets. His slightly less than impressive gang consists of: Drugstore: the skinny and strung out drug dealer and wisecracker, Fallon: the muscle who beats people up and breaks in the new prostitutes, Barnyard: the token fat slob who loves The Clash, and Patsy: the pasty faced punk rock skank. The five of them somehow manage to control the entire school population and staff AND dominate other rival gangs via intimidation and violence. There’s an awesome racially fueled gang fight between the Swastika sporting punks and a Black gang highlighted by the young Caribbean accented gang leader saying “No one messes around with my man Leroy. I’m gonna cut you white meat!”A fresh faced and non twitchy Michael J Fox appears in an important supporting role as a band geek who takes a shank to the kidneys after narcing on the gang for selling his best friend a lethal dose of dust.

Mr. Norris tries his best to do things by the book and keep the kids in line but it proves useless. He tries to turn the kids in but the police are unable to do anything because of a lack of proof. His only ally in the school is the burnt out and booze addled Biology teacher, played very convincingly by the legendary Roddy McDowall. After a sick and disgusting act of retribution where the punks skin every cute little bunny in the bio lab, Roddy eventually snaps and decides to teach his class at gunpoint! Mr. Norris barely manages to talk him out of blowing the students away, and he will eventually regret that decision.

During a bizarre bathroom showdown with the teacher, Stegman smashes his own face into a mirror and convincingly blames Mr. Norris for it. Norris finally gets pissed off and destroys Stegman’s beloved automobile in return. Stegman then declares all out war on the teacher. The movie reaches a whole new level of nastiness when the punks show up at the Norris household and gang rape his pregnant wife! This unspeakable act leads to the final showdown at the big band recital. The pasty faced punk rock skank (who looks very fuckable by the way!) shows up and presents Polaroids of the dirty deed to Mr. Norris, which is enough to finally make him ditch his pacifist ways and start spilling blood like a man! This teacher will assure that the class of 1984 will earn a higher degree in pain! “Life is pain. Pain is everything. You will learn.”

I’m a huge fan of this flick! Few revenge themed films are this satisfying. The end sequence where Mr. Norris has to fight his way though the high school and finally gets his revenge on the gang is fantastic. Arms are severed, table saws sever spines, people are set on fire, plummet to their deaths, and are crushed with cars! This flick is also exceptionally well made and acted. It almost plays like an after school special, only with a bad case of herpes. This flick drips with a genuinely sleazy punk rock atmosphere. There’s a nifty scene where Stegman and his pals go to a punk rock club and skank to the ripping sounds of Teenage Head! Speaking of music, I almost forget to mention the incredibly cheesy theme song “I Am The Future” which was provided by Alice Cooper. Quite an embarrassment for old Alice, as it sounds like a very lame Broadway tune!

Anchor Bay released a beautiful dvd of CLASS OF 1984 that features goodies like the trailer, a director’s commentary track, and interviews with Perry King and his on-screen wife Merrie Lynn Ross. I highly recommend a purchase. This one gets better every time I watch it.

Get a taste of TEENAGE HEAD!

SLAUGHTER HIGH (1986)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0091969

Simon Scuddamore (RIP) stars as Marty Rantzen, a nerdy Doddsville High chemistry major who is constantly tormented by a rowdy pack of mean spirited classmates. An elaborate series of April Fool’s Day pranks begins with Caroline “Maniac” Munro’s character Carol Manning teasing Marty’s cock and luring him into the girls shower. Marty’s wet dream becomes a nightmare when instead of a naked and soapy Carol he discovers the gang lying in wait for him instead.

Armed with flash photography, they poke the naked teen with a yardstick and yell “WHERE’S THE BEEF?” Then they give him a taste of 280 volts, which is enough to send him to the floor. The black janitor sees this happen and runs and tells the gym teacher that “they’re foolin’ about in the girl’s shower room!” The boys drag Marty into the toilet and proceed to give him the mother of all swirlies. Poor Marty might have drowned if not for the coach finally showing up to save his naked ass.

The coach punishes the culprits with a detention workout, and enjoys humiliating Marty a bit too much before letting him off the hook. The wisecracking and jester mask sporting leader of the gang – Skippy, vows revenge on Marty and hatches yet another demented scheme to pay him back. Two of the bullies pretend to apologize to Marty and offer him a laced joint as a mock peace offering. Marty accepts and goes off to the chem lab, where he eagerly fires it up. The tainted dirtweed makes Marty sick and he runs to the john to throw up. That gives Skippy the chance to trick the coach into letting him leave the detention, at that exact same moment mind you, so he can sneak into the lab and cook up an unstable chemical concoction on a red hot bunson burner. I should also mention the bottle of nitric acid lurking overhead on a flimsy wooden shelf. Marty returns to the lab after puking his guts up just in time for Skippy’s sabotage to take effect and a massive fire breaks out. Marty tries to stop the fire and gets a face full of nitric acid for his efforts. Then the lab explodes.

Marty somehow survives the accident, but is badly burned and horribly disfigured. As he is being wheeled out by paramedics Carol attempts to apologize which gives Marty one last chance to grab at her – BUT IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM! Or a flashback if you will. Carol was having a nightmare. Since graduating from Doddsville High, Carol has grown up and become a successful b-movie actress. Her sleazy agent Manny (played by the infamous Dick Randall) tries to talk her into a career in porn. You can tell Manny is a producer of tremendous class because he has a “PIECES” poster on the wall of his office! Carol turns down Manny’s generous offer to star in skin flicks and decides to go to her crummy class reunion instead.

Incredibly enough the entire motley crew of high school friends that participated in the April Fool’s Day brutality years before agree to return to the school for a special April Fool’s reunion. Even more incredibly, the gang seems to find nothing particularly unusual about the fact that Doddsville High has been closed and deserted for five years, or that they were the only alumni invited to the reunion. Undeterred, the old friends decide to break into the abandoned school for a night of wacky fun. Then things get even more bizarre when they discover that a well stocked party has been prepared in one of the classrooms. Someone even took the time to set up their old lockers inside the classroom. After some joking around for old times sake Skippy takes credit for the evening’s festivities. Then he does some of Carol’s “really good” cocaine and nods out.

Things get interesting when Marty (now sporting Skippy’s old jester mask) makes his presence known in the halls and nails the former black janitor turned black caretaker to a door. Then the same guy who gave Marty the laced joint chugs a beer can full of acid which causes his intestines to swell until they burst through his abdomen, causing a mighty explosion that sprays blood onto the face of the cross eyed asian chick! She wanders off and goes upstairs to take a bath (!) and slips into a tub full of acid. Marty’s former tormentors are then forced to hide out in the school or attempt to flee into the night. Marty majored in cutting his classmates, and one by one they are impaled, disemboweled with a riding lawn mower, electrocuted during sex, drowned in sewage, and hung. This unbelievable carnage leaves Carol alone to run around the halls of horror for a good long time before the eye popping twist ending is brought in to throw everything out the window again. APRIL FOOL’S!

SLAUGHTER HIGH was produced by the dreaded duo of Steve Minasian and Dick Randall, who also brought us slasher classics like “Pieces” and “Don’t Open Til Christmas.” The film was originally going to be titled “April Fool’s Day,” but Paramount beat them to the punch. Paramount should have beat them with even more punches, as SLAUGHTER HIGH featured a recycled score from “Friday The 13th” alumni Harry Manfredini. Most of the “original” score consists of eight synth notes that are maddeningly repeated over and over again. It is impossible to watch this flick without getting that tune stuck in your head. SLAUGHTER HIGH is sometimes accused of being a generic, or even inferior 80’s slasher flick, but the nasty gore effects make it stand out in a big way. The unrated version of this flick features some very juicy splatter.

Tounges are firmly in cheek for most of the proceedings, and fans of unintentional humor will get a kick out of the lame attempts to hide the actors’ thick British accents. I get a big kick out of Dick Randall’s cameo as the sleazy producer. Simon Scuddamore does a great job as Marty, and makes a very sympathetic lead. It’s a shame that he committed suicide shorty after starring in this picture. I would have liked to have seen him in other things. Caroline Munro looks beautiful here, but her makeup and wardrobe is full on 80’s hideousness. Some people have complained about the twist ending, but I think it makes sense within the context of the film and it adds a lot of fun to any repeat viewings. It also provides the filmmakers with an opportunity to throw in yet another splatter murder. No complaints here. This is a fucking classic. It’s finally available on dvd and no respectable horror collection is complete without it.

Check out the classic Vestron Video trailer!

CUTTING CLASS (1989)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0097136

Paula Carson (Jill Schoelen) is a pretty high school cheerleader who gets caught in a lover’s triangle between her troubled basketball superstar bad boy boyfriend Dwight (Brad Pitt, in his first major film role!) and Brian (Donavon Leitch), the disturbed yet sensitive new kid who has just been released from a mental institution after killing his father. Dwight and Brian have a secret history (Righty tighty, lefty loosey!) and when Brian shows up offering Paula his hot dog because she had “that look” Dwight explodes with jealousy.

When Paula’s Father (Martin Mull!) goes off for a duck hunting vacation he has an arrow put through his chest by an unseen assailant with a deadly grudge against the bumbling district attorney. Then the killer pursues Paula and eliminates any member of the student body or faculty that gets in the way. The asshole art teacher gets extra crispy inside a 500 degree kiln, the haggard vice principal (Nancy Fish) has her face smashed into a xerox machine, and the flabby gym coach is impaled with an American flag while happily bouncing on a trampoline (the inspiration for Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving, perhaps?)! A couple of Paula’s friends are snuffed too. Then the killer sets a deadly trap inside a classroom for Paula and the Math teacher to solve or suffer the consequences (Saw stole everything from this movie!). No one said surviving high school would be easy, but Paula didn’t didn’t know someone very close to her would be willing to kill to fit in.

CUTTING CLASS opens with a fantastic scene where Jill fetches the morning paper clad only in her white t-shirt and it’s sexy as hell! You don’t see anything, but she just looks so damn naughty doing it. I love that scene! Pretty much the whole movie consists of men leering at Jill’s character. Every man in the movie (with the exception of her father) checks out her ass and tries to get her in the sack. The art teacher enjoys closely examining her stretching and accommodating young muscles. The flabby gym coach snuggles up close to help her improve her archery technique. Even the fruity high school principal played by the late great Roddy McDowall (Class Of 1984) can’t resist her. He even buys Jill a new cheerleading uniform just for the supreme pleasure of seeing her bend over in a short skirt to pick up the package! Jill carries the film as the leading lady with ease, and always looks great doing it. B-movie favorite Brenda James (Slither) co-stars and steals the show as the fast living hot blooded redhead cheerleader with no panties and breasts big enough to feed a family of four! WOW!

Then there’s the man himself – Brad Pitt. He plays a tough but tender high school rebel with a penchant for child endangerment (he even wears a red jacket to make it obvious that he is a rebel without a cause!). He gets to display his incredible white boy basketball skills AND unleash a jivey sounding black voice to say “I ain’t got no basketball scholarship!” after blowing his big shot with “the university!” I especially like the scene where Brad assures his girlfriend that he’s bigger than her father “where it matters.” This is truly a debut leading man performance to be proud of.

Brad’s male co-star is the internet favorite Donovan Leitch. Popular with both the guys and the gals (especially the guys), Donovan also appeared in the 1988 remake of The Blob (great flick). I got a chuckle out of reading his credit as “featured dancer” in the 1984 urban classic Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo! Donovan does a great job as the disturbed young man who rides a bike with rainbow tassels on the handlebars and implores people to “gimme that man talk.” MAN TALK?!?

Director Rospo Pallenberg’s CUTTING CLASS was one of the very last gasps of the 80’s slasher craze. And a great flick too. I think it’s criminally underrated and often misunderstood. It’s not so much a mocking parody of a high school slasher flick, but is instead a rather tame high school slasher flick done with a lot of cheesy humor. No surprise, as it was written by Steve Slavkin, who also wrote the beloved tv series Salute Your Shorts! There’s no graphic gore, but a fair amount of blood is splattered. The mystery of the the killer’s identity is sort of a joke, or perhaps I just find characters identified as “violent schizophrenics” who have endured hours of shock therapy to be overly suspicious.

Horror fans with a sense of humor and a taste for the gloriously cheesy 80’s should really enjoy this. Lionsgate was kind enough to recently release an unrated version of CUTTING CLASS on dvd. This would make a great addition to any 80’s horror fan’s collection.

Check out some CUTTING CLASS carnage!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0081318

A gifted psychic named Mary Woodhouse (Catriona MacColl) dies from sheer fright during a séance after receiving a morbid vision of a priest named Father Thomas hanging himself in the cemetery of a cursed town called Dunwhich. Dunwhich is built upon “the ruins of the original Salem” which also hide one of the seven gates of Hell. As foretold in the book of Enoch, the suicidal preacher hanging himself causes the unfaithful servant to go straight to Hell and for the next three days the moon will turn red and the cities’ dead will walk the earth. Horrendous, awful things begin happening in Dunwhich that will shatter your imagination.

For starters, Mary isn’t really dead and was buried alive. Luckily for Mary, the pathologist played by none other than Lucio Fulci himself didn’t bother giving her an autopsy! Mary is saved from an agonizing death inside her partially buried coffin after a hard boiled reporter named Peter Bell (Christopher George – RIP) slowly realizes that Mary is screaming at the top of her lungs inside the casket and does the only logical thing – he grabs a fucking pick axe and slams it right into the part of the coffin where Mary’s face would be! After saving Mary’s life Peter hesitatingly agrees to join her on the quest to find the mysterious town of Dunwhich. According to the prophecies of Enoch, if the portals of Hell aren’t closed by All Saints Day no dead body will ever be able to rest in peace again and the dead will rise up all over the earth and take over the world. Peter and Mary have to destroy Father Thomas’ body to close the gates of hell and save humanity.

Meanwhile, the horror in Dunwhich reaches a fevered pitch as the dead priest wanders the town looking for victims. Staring into the eyes of the evil priest is enough to cause one unfortunate girl (Daniela Dora) to cry tears of blood and then puke up her internal organs, much to shock and disgust of her soon to be brain dead boyfriend (future director Michelle Soavi!). The plague of the dead also manifests itself in the form of sudden earthquakes that cause massive property damage to the local watering hole, angry cat scratching that rips the flesh of a neurotic woman named Sandra (Janet Agren) with incest issues, and undead grandmothers that chomp off a mortician’s fingers.

The town’s madness begins to infect its dimwitted citizens as well. A jealous father takes out his rage and confusion on the town pervert – Bob (Giovanni Lombardo Radice!) and puts a power drill through his brain. Once Peter and Mary finally make their way to the cursed city they are welcomed by maggots that fall like rain. Peter and Mary brush off the maggots and then team up with Sandra and her shrink Gerry (Carlo De Mejo) before heading into the decrepit catacombs underneath the priest’s grave site for a fiery final showdown with the possessed priest.

This is my favorite Lucio Fulci film, and one of my all time favorite films too. I’ve been a big fan since witnessing the film’s ability to shock and horrify firsthand. I was introduced to this one via a 1990 rental of the Paragon “Gates Of Hell” vhs that caused several of my friends (and their little sisters) to leave the room disgusted. Since then, I’ve watched this one more times than I can count. I think “City Of The Living Dead” is a perfect film, and Fulci’s true masterpiece. This is also my favorite of the many genius works that Lucio Fulci and writer Dardano Sacchetti worked on together. A lot of people prefer “The Beyond,” but I think “City Of The Living Dead” has a much more blasphemous and hallucinogenic vibe. It’s also a considerably more stylish film than “The Beyond” and possesses a truly morbid atmosphere that few other horror flicks can come close to matching.

The late great Christopher George turns in another one of his trademark winning performances. Chris was on a fucking tear in the early 80’s, appearing in one classic genre flick after another before his untimely death in 1983. He also starred in the classic 1980 vigilante flick “The Exterminator” and the following year appeared in both “Enter The Ninja” and “Graduation Day” (All of these amazing flicks are featured in previous PFTC columns, so be sure to check out the archives!). Who knows how many more amazing films Christopher would have starred in if only given the chance? The mind boggles. It’s great that Christopher and Lucio were able to work together.

Fulci’s favorite leading lady, Catriona MacColl (The Beyond, House By The Cemetery) and his favorite female victim – Daniela Dora (The New York Ripper, House By The Cemetery) both star here and both contribute greatly to the film’s success. Catriona does a remarkable job in the role of Mary. Her scene inside the coffin when she wakes up buried alive is fantastic. Daniela steals the entire movie and instantly ensured a place in the annals of horror history for participating in what has to be one of the most insanely sickening death scenes ever captured on film. Daniela proved her “guts” by having the nerve to swallow actual sheep entrails and regurgitate them on camera at Fulci’s command! This is only one of the memorable moments of “City Of The Living Dead,” but the iconic image of Daniela crying tears of blood and then slowly puking up her innards is what immediately comes to a horror fan’s mind when you hear the title.

The living dead mostly take a back seat to the buckets of blood and maggots, but there should be more than enough gut barfing and brain ripping to keep gorehounds happy. The splatter effects from Gino De Rossi (Zombi II, Cannibal Ferox) are about as top notch as they come. But for some random and completely hysterical reason, whenever the frequently repeated closeup shot of the brain ripping is shown the hand doing the ripping clearly belongs to a black man with hairy knuckles! This makes the climax to the aforementioned gut barfing scene unintentionally hilarious as clearly it’s not Daniela’s hand ripping out Michelle Soavi’s brain. The zombies we do get to see look fantastic, as they were created by the legendary Rosario Prestopino (Zombi II, Burial Ground). “City Of The Living Dead” is a film with guts, and a lot of them.

This should be considered mandatory viewing for all horror fans. Sharp eyed Italian horror buffs will get a kick out of seeing so many familiar faces. (Watch out for Perry Pirkanen of Cannibal Ferox/Holocaust legend in a small yet pivotal role as a perverted gravedigger!) I really can’t say enough good things about this one. “City Of The Living Dead” is a horror classic. Anchor Bay and Blue Underground have both released “City Of The Living Dead” on dvd. The dvd features the theatrical trailer and radio spots. BUY IT!

Watch the trailer for CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD – if you dare!

HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0080503

The flick that will make you scream “DO IT TO ME ONCE MORE!” David Hess (Last House On The Left) and Giovanni Lombardo Radice play the dynamic duo of Alex & Ricky: a pair of super swinging NYC psychopaths. Alex is so bad, he even rapes and murders a girl – at the same time mind you – BEFORE the opening credits! I guess the producers didn’t want anyone to forget who David Hess was!

Alex runs a garage and deals in hot cars on the side. Ricky is his loyal, semi-retarded sidekick. One night a rich and good looking young yuppie couple pulls into the garage after hours looking for a quick repair. Ricky fixes the problem while Alex makes chit chat with the chick and ogles her ruthlessly. The couple mentions a small get together taking place at their house later and Alex and Ricky quickly invite themselves along. Once at the party and introduced to the three other guests Alex starts pawing at the girl and Ricky gets his freak on all over the dance floor much to the amusement of the others. (HILARIOUS!)

After a “now you get me, now you don’t” game in the shower, and a crooked card game where the kids try to swindle the mongoloid out of his money, Alex decides that the rich kids are trying to have some fun at their expense and whips out his trusty straight razor. The secluded house on the edge of the park becomes the ideal setting for an orgy of sexual sadism.

Every exploitative element (with the sad exception of Religion, I would have loved an obvious Jew for Hess to hurl abuse at!) is used to its fullest potential. You want multi-racial lesbianism at knife point? You got it. Racism? In spades. Rape? You bet’cha! Well, not so much actual rape as the constant threat, or perhaps promise, of rape. Violence? Oh yeah! Feast your eyes on brutal bloody beatings, razor blade slicing, poolside urination humiliations, and even 9mm castration!

As nasty as this flick sounds (and undoubtedly is) it actually plays out in a lot more entertaining fashion that you might expect. This flick is my favorite of the trilogy because I feel it has a lot more repeat viewing value than the other entries. I can’t get enough of David Hess saying “It’s too late for boogyin’ anyway” or calling the black chick “Roots.” I never tire of hearing that catchy disco theme song or watching Giovanni get down with his bad self as he seduces the always lovely Lorraine De Selle (Cannibal Ferox!) with his funky dance moves.

This Italian effort which was directed by the legendary Ruggerio Deodato (Cannibal Holocaust) obviously owes a debt to “Last House On The Left,” especially with Hess starring and the title. However, this is no inferior rehash. This flick is a tight thriller with a nifty twist ending. Another interesting aspect of the film is the fact that it mostly takes place within one location. Once we enter the house, we only rarely leave it. It’s to both Deodato’s and Hess’s credit that the film never gets boring.

As I’ve said before, this flick is a personal favorite of mine. I’ve forced many people to watch it over the years and it never fails to entertain. People who might consider “Last House On The Left” too brutal might find this more tolerable. There is a lot of unintentional humor to enjoy here, especially with the music and wardrobe. Lots of nice nudity throughout, and lovers of BUSH will get a hairy eyefull when the lovely leading lady Anne Belle sheds her clothes. Not to mention classic lines like “street fighting you don’t learn watching Telle Savales on tv.” This really is a classic.

You can get HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK on dvd with a slew of bonus features, including a very in-depth interview with David Hess that covers the history of House On The Edge Of The Park, Last House On The Left, and Hitch Hike, thanks to the fine fiends at Shriek Show.

DO IT TO ME ONCE MORE!

CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0080379

Vietnam vet Norman Hopper (John Saxon!) returns home from the war scarred both physically and mentally. He tries in vain to settle back into domestic bliss with his wife in their Atlanta home but is tormented by recurring nightmares where he relives the gruesome bloodshed and flesh eating he witnessed in the jungles of ‘nam. He’s also infected with a violent infectious strain of cannibalism (!) thanks to a starving POW that took a bite out of his arm. Much to his horror and his wife’s disgust he slowly develops a taste for blood, and the tender thigh meat of the flirtatious teenage girl who lives next door.

Things take a turn for the worse after Hopper’s old combat buddy Charlie Bukowski (played by the legendary Giovanni Lombardo Radice) is released from the nut house also nurturing a taste for human flesh. Charlie takes a bite out of a half naked girl inside a grind house theater and winds up on the run from the cops and an idiot gang of bikers attempting to be vigilantes. He holes up inside a large indoor flea market and blows away quite a few cops and bikers as they try to bring him to justice. Norman shows up and convinces the cops to let him go inside to talk to Charlie. Norman regains Charlie’s trust by reminding him that the best way to deal with a can of tear gas is to piss on it, “Just piss on it.”

Norman and Charlie are then both brought back to the local mental institution, where yet another deranged vet – and coincidentally enough the same guy who bit Norman in Vietnam – Tom, is also being treated. The trio of cannibals becomes a quartet when a nurse is also infected with the cannibalism virus. The four lunatics (made up with the exact same race and gender as the four leads in George A. Romero’s “Dawn Of The Dead”) fight their way out the hospital, and then waste a few street punks who get in their way before heading into the Atlanta sewers for a gut-wrenching final showdown with the police.

Antonio Margheriti directed this infamous shocker, and the very prolific Dardano Sacchetti wrote the screenplay. This is a unique “cannibal” flick, as it features cannibalism as a virus that can be spread from person to person. The deranged flesh hunters are somewhat similar to the infected killers in Romero’s “The Crazies” and David Cronenberg’s “Rabid.” They crave flesh and blood and will stop at nothing to get what they want. The violence here is really quite exceptional, with lots of brutal fight scenes, splashy gun battles, and gory flesh ripping. The opening sequence features an especially disgusting moment where the starved POWs chomp into the freshly barbecued flesh of a young Vietnamese girl. The highlight of the film has to be the spectacular demise of Giovanni Lombardo Radice, who has a giant see-through hole blown in his abdomen! There’s also a delightful “shock” ending that ends the film on a great note.

Apparently actor John Saxon considers this flick to be a personal low point of his life and career, and in the “Cannibal Apocalypse Redux” documentary admits he that even contemplated suicide at one point after realizing he had appeared in such a vile picture. If that’s true, imagine how John must have felt a few years later when he was starring in crap flicks like “Hands Of Steel” and “Welcome To Spring Break.” This flick features more characterization and emotional depth than the standard cannibal efforts, and is well acted and very nicely shot. It’s also “nasty” enough to have been banned in the UK back in the day, and was heavily edited in the States when released under the name “Invasion Of The Flesh Hunters.” Like any action/horror/exploitation flick, this has to be seen UNCUT to be fully appreciated.

Hats off to Image Entertainment for releasing a beautiful, digitally remastered dvd of “Cannibal Apocalypse” that is 100% uncut. It also includes several “sewer dwelling special features” including the aforementioned “Cannibal Apocalypse Redux” documentary, “Apocalypse In The Streets” – a video tour of the filming locations, trailers, still galleries, and more. It’s exactly the type of special edition dvd that a superior genre flick like this deserves.

Enjoy this rare trailer for CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE:

CANNIBAL FEROX (1981)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0082700

A young pair of brother and sister anthropologists – Gloria & Rudy Davis (Lorraine De Salle & Danilo Mattei), take a trip to the jungles of South America to help prove correct Gloria’s theories on the “myth” of man eating man. They intend to prove that cannibalism no longer exists, and has NEVER existed! How they can prove cannibalism never existed by simply visiting a jungle is not explained. Also not explained is why they would want to bring their hot pussied little whore of a friend Pat (Zora Kerova) along for the trip. The three idiots quickly manage to crash their jeep and have to trek through the jungle on foot.

After a tasty encounter with a native who is contently munching on some fat green worms, the gang runs into a dead body and pair of lowlife drug pushers that are on the run from the New York mob after pulling a sting on a couple of Brooklyn horsemen and running off with $100,000. At first the rather strung out Mike Logan (Giovanni Lombardo Radice) tells a tale about a tribe of vicious cannibals that attacked them and mutilated their Portuguese cocaine and emerald harvesting companion. His buddy Joe is wounded, and lets Mike do most of the talking. Later that night and the next day Mike has some fun with Pat. After a few coke fueled fuck fests he asks her if she would like to “make” an Indio girl. Pat, being a well established slut, is intrigued by this and agrees, which leads to the attempted rape and cold blooded murder of one of the young natives.

Shortly after this senseless murder the now sick and delirious Joe finally breaks his silence and tells the real story behind the death of the “Portuguese.” It turns out that the story Mike told the gang was a lot of batshit. The so-called “Portuguese” was really a young Indio boy that Mike had tortured and murdered for not producing any Emeralds from the local rivers. With the cocaine Mike was on, he went completely crazy and seemed to get a perverted kick out of make the poor bastard suffer. Mike gouged out one of the Indio’s eyes, then castrated him and left him to bleed to death. After telling Gloria and Rudy his incredible story Joe dies from an infection. This gives Mike and Pat enough time to steal all of the supplies and leave the others for dead.

The adult men of the Indio tribe had all conveniently been away on a hunting trip while Mike was on his rampage. After returning home and discovering this incredible outrage the tribe decides that all of the white people must die, slowly. It doesn’t take long for all four of the survivors to be captured and brutal and primitive justice is dished out in short order. Once the unholy cannibal ferox has begun the natives have a blast hanging Pat with hooks through her tits and then give Mike more than a little taste of his own medicine. Humiliation and mutilation are only the appetizer for this blood feast – castration and decapitation are the main course. And of course no jungle revenge would be complete without a little cannibalism for desert.

This outrageous 1981 Umberto Lenzi film begins with a thoughtful pre-credits disclaimer that warns viewers that “the following feature is one of the most violent films ever made” and that “there are at least two dozen scenes of barbaric torture and sadistic cruelty graphically shown.” I lost count somewhere along the way, but that number sounds about right to me. Pretty much every other scene consists of nauseating footage of animals being killed, either by other animals or humans. One particularly disturbing moment features a tied up and defenseless little mongoose being savaged by a large snake! However, with all the flack that Lenzi (and all the other “jungle” flick directors) deservedly gets for his completely unnecessary cruelty to animals, I’m left wondering why more people don’t hate Francis Coppola for doing the exact same thing in “Apocalypse Now,” or despise Walter Hill for “Southern Comfort.” I guess when they do it – it’s considered art.

This is my hands down my personal favorite of all of the Italian cannibal/jungle flicks. For all of its many faults I find this one ridiculously entertaining. Say what you want about this one, it certainly isn’t boring. The dubbing, the dialog, the score – all cheesy perfection. This one wins the prize for featuring the most plentiful gore of all the early 80’s jungle flicks. It also wins the prize for the most frequent use of the word “twat” in any non porno film! Speaking of porno, the infamous Robert Kerman of “Cannibal Holocaust” & “Debbie Does Dallas” legend makes a brief appearance as a NYC cop looking for Giovanni’s character. This one has a delightfully sleazy vibe throughout that lends itself to a lot of repeat viewings. Shitface!

Grindhouse Releasing did a typically beautiful job with their deluxe uncensored letterboxed edition of “Cannibal Ferox.” As usual their dvd release includes a slew of bonus features including directors commentary, trailers, and still galleries. No gorehound’s dvd collection is complete without this gem.

Check out the incredible trailer for CANNIBAL FEROX!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0082498

Virgina is a promising student at an exclusive private school. Despite a troubled background, she even belongs to an obnoxious clique of snobby kids that consider themselves to be the cream of the school’s crop. Shortly before her 18th birthday her friends start turning up dead. To make things even more confusing (and trust me, things get very confusing!) Virgina still suffers from blackouts after a car accident she survived a year prior that took her mother’s life.

The bizarre blackouts seem to coincide with the violent murders, and Virgina begins to fear that she might be the killer. John will never eat shish kebab again. Steven will never ride a motorcycle again. Greg will never lift weights again. At the rate they are going there will be no left for Virgina’s party…alive. The pieces of the puzzle come together at Virgina’s birthday bash, which very quickly becomes the bloodiest party of the year!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is an exceptionally well done Canadian horror flick made by director J. Lee Thompson (10 To Midnight) and John Saxton right at the fevered peak of the slasher genre. This flick’s memorable ad campaign promised slasher fans “six of the most of the most bizarre murders you will ever see” and unlike a lot of other exploitation flicks of the era, this one makes good on its promise. The death scenes are all very inventive (and brutal!) and tightly edited for maximum impact. The “shish kebab” and “motorcycle” death scenes in particular are the stuff of legend for slasher enthusiasts. There are some DEADLY car stunts on display too. The sequences where the rich kids fuck around jumping their cars over a large drawbridge are really impressive, especially considering a stuntman broke his leg in the process!

This flick also delivers an above average amount of character development, as well as numerous plot twists that will keep you guessing throughout. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is somewhat infamous amongst horror fans for it’s unpredictable twist ending, which comes almost entirely out of left field and makes little sense. It’s actually a dreaded triple twist, and say what you want about that being far fetched, it certainly is neither boring or predictable.

The Columbia dvd release of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is good, but could have better. For one thing the original soundtrack was tampered with. Second, the new dvd artwork is fucking horrendous! Why the powers that be at Columbia chose to replace the CLASSIC cover shot of the dude getting the business end of a shish kebab is beyond me. Sure, they included it as an insert, but that seems too little too late. The new cover with a stupid looking chick with green glowing eyes holding a birthday cake in front of a fucking CASTLE sucks! To make things worse, there are no bonus features of any sort. This is a bare bones release. Better than nothing I guess. On the plus side, the film looks great and is uncut, which is what I really care about.

All fans of the slasher genre should consider this flick mandatory viewing. I’ve seen more of these flicks than you could shake a stick at, and this one really stands out as one of the best, made with a cast and crew with considerable talents. It’s a bit overlong, and a bit confusing in places, but a very fun and original horror flick for sure. It also stands up very well to repeat viewings!

Do you DARE watch the death scenes from HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME?!?

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

THE BURNING (1981)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082118

A mischievous group of young campers assemble under the cover of darkness and prepare the biggest number that Camp Blackfoot has ever seen. The kids plan to scare the shit out of a cruel and sadistic summer camp caretaker named Cropsy. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the bizarre prank involving a rotting skull and candles backfires in a big way and Cropsy’s bedding catches on fire. The flames ignite a can of gasoline and in seconds Cropsy’s shack is engulfed. Tragically, Cropsy wasn’t familiar with the “stop, drop, and roll” concept and instead ran around screaming while trying to make his way into the nearby lake.

Cropsy survives the fire, but is very badly burned. He looks so bad that hospital orderlies describe him as “a fucking Big Mac, well done.” Five years of unsuccessful skin graphs leave Cropsy horribly disfigured and more than a little pissed off. Once he finally regains his strength he leaves the hospital with a burning hatred raging in his mind. Cropsy makes one final attempt at regaining his humanity by hiding his burns and picking up a hooker, and the whore’s eventual and inevitable repulsion and rejection of Cropsy is enough to make him finally snap and shove a pair of scissors into her abdomen.

Now completely deranged, Cropsy grabs his trusty pruning shears and returns to Camp Blackfoot to have his revenge. As Cropsy prowls around the camp, we are introduced to a number of campers including the wisecracking and porn peddling Dave (Jason Alexander from Seinfeld), fast talking ladies man Eddy (Ned Eisenberg, who stole the show in Moving Violations), shy and misunderstood Alfred (Brian Backer, who can play a geek with the best of them), junior jerk off champion Woodstock (Fisher Stevens from Short Circuit), a menacing meat head named Glazer (Larry Joshua), and Glazer’s incredibly hot virgin girlfriend Sally (Carrick Glen, who also appeared in the Brain Hammer approved slasher classic Girl’s Nite Out!).

Cropsy bides his time until a large group of campers and two counselors leave the camp for an overnight canoe trip. Cropsy tags along for the ride and when night falls the bloodshed begins. Not in the least bit concerned about who he kills, Cropsy makes mincemeat out of any unhappy camper that crosses his path. This legend of terror isn’t just a campfire story anymore. The pain is all too real to Cropsy, and he uses his wicked shears to hack life and limbs away from those who enjoy a normal existence. Don’t look, he’ll see you. Don’t breathe, he’ll hear you. Don’t move…YOU’RE DEAD!

I consider THE BURNING to be a true masterpiece of 80’s horror. It was written by Harvey Wienstein shortly before “Friday The 13th” turned the world of horror on it’s ear and was released just afterwards in time to cash in on the booming slasher market. This is truly one of the very best slasher films set in a summer camp. Few flicks, horror or otherwise can rival this film when it comes to capturing the madcap spirit of camp. A lot of quality time is spent getting to know the characters, and I think it ultimately adds to the impact of the film. The kids are all sympathetic characters, which makes their wholesale slaughter at the hands of Cropsy even more potent. It also gives us a chance to enjoy an extended shower scene with Carrick Glen and her beautiful soapy chicken breasts.

Tom Savini’s gory special effects were the major selling point of the film. Tom already had a well deserved reputation as a wizard of gore thanks to his fantastic work on films like “Dawn Of The Dead” and “Friday The 13th.” Interestingly, Savini turned down a lucrative offer to do the effects for Steve Miner’s “Friday The 13th Part II” and chose to work on The Burning instead. Tom Savini has created many incredible effects over the years, but The Burning perhaps more than any other film is the best showcase for his brilliant work.

The multiple stabbings, slicings, skewerings, and shearings are about as bloody and over the top as anything ever splashed upon the screen. The incredible “raft massacre” scene is the highlight of the film and is the stuff of legend. Much credit must also be given to director Tony Maylam, as well as editor Jack Sholder (who later helmed the classic Alone In The Dark) for knowing how to use these special effects to their fullest potential in the film. The numerous death scenes are tightly edited for maximum impact. The effects are spectacular and still look great today. All around, The Burning is an 80’s slasher flick that more than stands the test of time.

It’s well known that The Burning is one of the all time great slasher flicks. Sadly, for far too long a decent looking, uncut print of The Burning was something of a “holy grail” for slasher completists. The original R rated vhs releases, and most of the region 2 dvd releases were all heavily edited and therefore worthless. Several years ago I paid $25 for a murky looking bootleg vhs copy of the uncut Japanese print – and thought it was quite a bargain. Looking back I could kick myself for such a foolish purchase, especially when I watch the beautiful looking remastered dvd print of The Burning that MGM officially released in September of 2007.

After several years of having this one tucked up their ass, MGM went the extra mile with this dvd release. First of all, they were wise enough to present the UNCUT version of THE BURNING with all of the juicy splatter intact. The dvd features beautiful picture quality and is much clearer looking than any previous release. Best of all, we get several brand new bonus features – including a 17 minute Tom Savini special effects featurette entitled “Blood N’ Fire,” a commentary track with director Tony Maylam, a photo gallery, and the theatrical trailer. After years of anticipation, this dvd release wound up being well worth the wait and was my DVD PICK for 2007. No respectable horror collection is complete without a copy.

Do you dare watch the infamous raft massacre scene?!?

MADMAN (1982)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082696

As the opening titles tell us: “It all started during a campfire at North Sea Cottages, a special retreat for gifted children.” An asswipe named TP (get it?) sings a creepy campfire song that scares the children and viewers with how bad it is. Then the resident old fat fuck of the group tells the morbid tale of Madman Marz. Marz was a farmer who once lived in a house next to the camp. He was a big nasty bastard who loved pounding booze and then pounding his wife and children. One night Marz snapped and slaughtered his entire family with an axe. The madman then walked to the local tavern with the bloody axe still in his hand and ordered a beer. A lynch mob captured him and proceeded to hang him from a tree. The next morning his body had mysteriously vanished. The dead bodies of his family also turned up missing.

Legend has it that if you ever dare yell out the name of the Madman in his woods he will come for you. A snot nosed punk named Ricky decides to show off and loudly dares Madman Marz to come and get him. He even has the nerve to throw a rock at the old deserted Marz house, breaking a window in the process. Old man Max jokingly warns Ricky about the consequences of his actions, and then breaks into a speech wishing the kids the best of luck in the future. Everyone laughs this off as good natured fun.

Unfortunately for the campers and counselors, the legend of Madman Marz is nothing to laugh at. Richie finds out the hard way when he hears a noise and follows a dark shadowy figure back to the Marz house. The Madman is alive and on the prowl. He quickly makes chop suey out of the camp cook “Dippy.” The counselors are an annoying group of spaced out and horny weirdos that spend their time lying on the floor all in a row with their heads together having inane conversations, so it’s hard to work up much concern for their safety as the bloodletting begins.

TP eventually discovers that Ricky never came back to camp and goes looking for him. He finds Madman Marz instead and is viciously hung from a tree. Then Marz begins showing his flair for creative decapitations and swiftly beheads an ugly pair of camp counselors. The night of savage death degenerates into a fiery climax that seemingly eliminates the monster once and for all. The survivors cling to the last shreds of their sanity and are forced to accept the fact that MADMAN MARZ IS REAL! They thought they were alone, but deep in the woods lurks a hideous evil. Don’t even whisper his name!

Interestingly enough, MADMAN was originally going to feature The Cropsy Maniac as the killer instead of Madman Marz. Writer and director Joe Giannone and his partner in crime Gary Sales wrote an original story based on the classic upstate New York urban legend. Unbeknownst to them, the Weinstein brothers were also doing the exact same thing at the exact same time. The casting for MADMAN had already begun when Giannone discovered that another film called “The Burning” was being shot and featured Cropsy as the villain. The script had to be immediately changed and the concept of Madman Marz was born. It’s a similar storyline in the proud tradition of a cautionary campfire tale, punctuated with then-cutting edge violent death scenes.

MADMAN came out at a time when similar slasher flicks were flooding the market and manages to stand out from the bunch for possessing the darkest atmosphere, a fantastic score, and one very impressive looking monster. Madman Marz is one of the very coolest 80’s slasher icons, and his death scenes are almost unparalleled in brutality. This flick contains possibly the greatest decapitations and hangings of any slasher flick ever! The effects are very convincing looking and really add to the impact of the film. It also helps that Paul Ehlers is simply amazing in the lead role. When Paul’s wife went into labor he rushed from the set and actually went to the hospital in full Madman Marz makeup. Imagine the terror this must have caused at the hospital!

Fans of George A. Romero’s Dawn Of The Dead will enjoy seeing Gaylen Ross (appearing here under the name Alexis Dubin) in a steamy hot tub sex scene. Gaylen looks great in this movie and turns in a good performance. The opening scene featuring the haunting ballad of Madman Marz and the telling of his horrifying legend never fails to give me chills. My only real complaint is that I would have enjoyed seeing that little bastard Richie get killed. The fact that none of the bratty rich kids get snuffed is kind of a bummer, but the mind boggling scene where a tiny chick hides inside a refrigerator more than makes up for this. MADMAN has a well deserved cult following, but it also often gets overlooked when 80’s slashers are discussed. I think the incredible death scenes alone make this flick one of the all time greats.

Anchor Bay Entertainment put out a very nice looking dvd of MADMAN that can easily be found for cheap. The bonus features include informative liner notes, several tv spots, the theatrical trailer, and an excellent commentary track with Joe Giannone, Gary Sales, and Madman Marz himself Paul Ehlers! There’s no excuse for not having a copy of the essential summer camp slasher in your collection.

Check out the trailer!

SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086320

This legendary film begins with some especially eerie shots of a deserted summer camp accompanied by the distant sounds of children playing. This immediately puts the viewer off balance, which is where they will firmly remain for the next 88 minutes. The madness begins with a seemingly fun and harmless afternoon on a sailboat. A man named John and his two children Angela and Peter enjoy some fun in the sun when they suddenly cross paths with some careless teenagers in a motorboat.

Tragedy strikes when a girl takes the wheel (doesn’t it always?) and the motorboat smashes into the family as they happily bob in the water. The boat kills the father and one of the children, although it isn’t clear who survived. This mystery is solved eight years later when we see that the survivor was Angela (Felissa Rose), and that she now lives with her tough but tender cousin Ricky (Jonathan Tiersten) and her insane Aunt Martha. Aunt Martha is one of scariest characters in horror history. She gives the kids a goodie bag full of snacks and ties a string around her finger to remember the kid’s permission slips for camp. The nutjob then implores the children not to tell anyone at camp that she had performed the physical needed for admission. No one would understand…even if she is a doctor.

The kids are then shipped off to Camp Arawak. Upon arrival Angela is shy and withdrawn and talks to no one. Ricky runs into his old pal Paul, who excitedly tells him about the massive jugs his ex-girlfriend Judy is sporting. Ricky tries to turn on the charm with Judy but she quickly proves to be a heartless cocktease. She also despises Angela and proceeds to make her life miserable. Angela also refuses to eat, which causes the musclebound main counselor Ronnie to thoughtfully send her along to meet her doom with the perverted head cook Artie. Artie’s mouth waters when he sees the fresh young chicken and he wastes no time attempting to force feed Angela his tubesteak. Ricky catches him in the act and the scared kids run away before anything worse can happen.

Later that day Artie is still steaming from having his cock blocked. He’s also pissed off because his comically oversized pot of water won’t come to a boil. As he fumes over his shortcomings he adds about three pounds of salt into the 200 gallons of water. As the tubby chickenhawk precariously dangles on a tiny footstool a silent assailant makes their deadly presence known. The small person is obviously a child, but manages to push Artie off balance and leave him hanging onto a filmy shelf above the olympic swimming pool of salty molten lava. Artie tries to bribe his attacker with an ice cream sunday, which confirms that the would be killer is a child. The stool is yanked away, causing Artie to tumble and drop the the barrel of toxic waste on top of himself. Artie somehow survives the attack but is very badly burned. The paramedic even remarks that the pain must be incredible. This angers the hideously old and misshapen camp owner Mel and causes him to snap that it must have been an accident. The greedy grandpa decides to cover up the incident to avoid bad press.

Meanwhile, Ricky has his hands full with a pack of meathead jocks that continually torment him and knock his sweet cowboy hat off his head. The goons also have Angela in their sights, and for a couple of laughs they decide to invite her along for a midnight skinny dip. Angela of course says nothing, and stares holes into them. Later that night the boys take the plunge and an idiot named Kenny manages to convince a girl named Leslie to go on a moonlight canoe ride with him. Kenny starts acting like a jackass and both of them wind up in the water. Leslie swims back to shore and for some odd inexplicable reason Kenny decides to swim underneath the tipped over canoe and begin singing a song called “Hey Hey Baba-Re-Bop.” The unseen slayer suddenly strikes again. Kenny is mercifully put out of his misery by drowning.

The next morning a profane lifeguard discovers Kenny’s waterlogged and snake ridden corpse. Police and paramedics are suspicious, especially considering Kenny’s reputation for being “a pretty damned good swimma.” Mel once again interrupts the conversation and swears that the whole thing is an unfortunate accident. The next day Angela is humiliated by Judy in their cabin and then pelted by water balloons by the mean boys. Ricky rushes to Angela’s defense and tells the cocksuckers to stop messing with his cousin. Mel steps in, and the wrinked old dick punishes the boys. He also punishes Ricky for his rotten mouth. The leader of the gang is a blonde doofus named Billy who proudly tells his fellow campers that he has to take a wicked dump and trots off to the shitter to meet his demise. The unseen slasher strikes again, this time armed with a well placed broom and an beehive full of angry bees.

After finding another dead body Mel begins worrying more about the reputation of his camp than the safety of the remaining children. He also begins to suspect that Ricky is the culprit. Things get even more complicated when love enters the picture and Ricky’s good pal Paul falls for Angela in a big way. Paul even manages to almost get to second base with Angela before she freaks out and runs away. The next afternoon Judy gets involved and begins mocking the new couple and coming on to Paul. A bitchy counselor named Meg gets fed up with Angela refusing to swim or shower with the other girls and decides to throw her in the water. Everyone laughs as Angela almost drowns before Ricky can finally break away from the increasingly unstable Mel and once again come to her rescue.

This is where an already off the wall flick goes even further off the rails into crazy town. The bitch counselor Meg has the hots for the rather decrepit and disgusting looking Mel and throws herself at him. The old man then invites the sexy young thing back to his place for a late night meal. Meg then goes off to wash her cootch and get it clean for the elderly man she is planning on having sex with. As Meg showers and hums a catchy little tune that will drive you bananas, the killer shows up to spoil the fun and stick a knife in Meg’s back.

Mel gets old man blue balls waiting for Meg to show up for their hot date and goes looking for her. He discovers her sliced up body in the shower and once and for all goes batshit insane. He shakes his feeble and brittle fists and rows revenge against Ricky for Meg’s murder. As this is happening Angela arranges a late night rendezvous with Paul. These combustible elements combine to create one the most thrilling third acts in horror history. Judy gets what is coming to her in a big way, Mel finds out that looking for Ricky will be a pain in the neck, a cop shows up with a mustache that is clearly made out of black masking tape, and just when you think you’ve seen it all, arguably the greatest shock in the history of horror is revealed at the waterfront…after the social.

Ah, the Sleepaway Camp series. These films have gotten me more ass than any other. Every girl that I watched Sleepaway Camp with fell in love with me. I’ve had wild sex while listening to the soundtrack to Sleepaway Camp II. I even had a wacky lesbian aunt named Aunt Martha (RIP). As you can imagine, the Sleepaway Camp films have a very special place in my blackened heart. My cousin beat me to the video store back in the day and snared a used copy of Sleepaway Camp. We watched that movie dozens of times in high school. I’ve watched it so many times over the years I’ve lost count. Sleepaway Camp is one of the most entertaining movies ever made. A bad time can never be had during a viewing.

Robert Hiltzig is a genius for making a summer camp movie that shows kids being kids: playing pranks on each other and swearing like drunken sailors. The film is ruthlessly padded with softball, but the non stop vulgarities spewing from the mouths of the players during the game makes the scenes hilarious. Who didn’t tell someone to “eat shit and live” after watching this one? Jonathan Tiersten is a riot in this movie. No one call yell out “COCKSUCKERS! PRICKS!” like he can! Even more obscene is the vomit inducing wholesale hatchet slaughter of a gaggle of little kiddies all tucked into their sleeping bags. The over the top violence in this movie has a mean spirited edge that I really enjoy. Not only is Sleepaway Camp of one the very best slasher flicks, it is also one of the most brutal revenge movies ever made. The intimate and sexual nature of some the killings, particularly the vulgar deaths on the toilet or featuring curling iron violation are far more lurid than your usual horror and exploitation fare.

Sleepaway Camp has it all. The perfect summer camp setting. The spectacular death scenes and make up effects needed to make a gruesome slasher flick. The quirky characters and offbeat performances that make it so unique. An unbelievable performance from Felissa Rose. I think there is no other slasher flick that compares when it comes to sheer unnerving perversion and horror. The film is full of scenes featuring the violent death of children and young adults and it is laced with a lascivious dosage of homoerotic imagery. Sure, there may have been a lot of other horror flicks in the 80’s that took place in summer camps, but only Sleepaway Camp had the balls to feature a leering pedophile who expresses his mouth watering love for “baldies!” The ending packs a wallop that never fails to make jaws drop when seeing it for the first time. The ending of the film is iconic. It has to be considered nothing less than the greatest of all time.

A trio of equally excellent sequels followed and another is in the works. The horrors of Angela and Camp Arawak will never die. The legions of Sleepaway Camp fans have kept the series alive for decades and are always thirsty for more. I think I speak for all of us when I demand the return of Aunt Martha! Robert, seriously bring her back for the sequel!

Sleepaway Camp is available on dvd from Anchor Bay Entertainment. It’s a nice looking dvd that includes the trailer and a wild commentary track with Robert Hiltzig and Felissa Rose. The only drawback to this release is the fact that the print is missing some footage, including some gory shots that extend the death scenes. Lovers of hot boy ass will mourn the missing shots of the lads going skinny dipping. Hardcore fans that want a totally uncut version of the film should seek out the Legacy Entertainment release instead. Both are easy to find online. Your collection – Sleepaway Camp = garbage.

You will never forget Angela’s theme!!!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD (1982)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082279

With a title like THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD, you know you are in for a treat. The dorm the title refers to is 75 year old Morgan Meadows Hall, a former college dormitory that is now condemned and slated for massive renovations. Within the first minute of the movie we see a sweaty, out of sorts fellow running away from something or someone near the dorm. As he cowers in the bushes, an unseen assailant makes their deadly presence known and begins strangling him and hacking away at his hand with a knife. Cue opening credits and some impressively violent sounding violin shrieks.

Once the credits wind down we are introduced to a rather annoying chick named Joanne who is in charge of the dorm’s massive Christmas break shutdown project. Joanne is quickly established as a no-nonsense type of gal as she refuses an offer to go on a skiing vacation with her estranged pseudo-love interest and begins bossing around the small group of students that have offered to help out with the inventory and cleaning. The group gets even smaller when a girl named Debbie (Daphne Zuniga, making her screen debut) announces she has to leave the campus because her grandmother is ill.

The fun begins when Debbie’s parents arrive on campus to pick her up. Dad goes looking for Debbie and gets a couple blows to the head from a spiked bat (!) for his efforts. Then the deranged killer sneaks into Debbie’s parents’ car and strangles her mother with a piece of wire. When Debbie discovers her parents’ freshly dead bodies she faints from the shock. That gives the killer the perfect opportunity to drag her limp body underneath the car and then drive over her several times, crunching her bones to dust. Then the maniac piles all three corpses into the car and drives away into the night.

The next morning the four remaining students – Joanne, Craig, Patty, and Kirst Noveselic lookalike Brian begin cleaning out the dorm and are bothered by a filthy looking hobo named John Hemmit who apparently lives in one of the dorm rooms. The potential body count is fleshed out with a crabby maintenance man named Bill who complains about his missing power drill, and a horny dude named Bobby Lee who shows up to buy some old desks and ogle Joanne. Predictably, Bill is eventually snuffed by the killer with his beloved power drill as the murder weapon.

The kids prepare a large family styled dinner one evening and the maniac shows up to smash the table and food with a baseball bat while the kids are in the kitchen. The rest of the film is then padded out with numerous scenes of the kids splitting up and wandering around the dorm looking for the ever-elusive John Hemmit. The tedium is punctuated with Brian’s eventual dismemberment and Patty getting dumped into a large vat of boiling water. This leaves Craig and Joanne alone as they hatch a desperate scheme to escape the dorm that dripped blood with their lives.

As the kids attempt to leave they have a violent encounter with John Hemmit, and horny old Bobby Lee makes another appearance that gives the real killer a perfect chance to frame someone else for the murders. The bloody mayhem reaches its climax as the madman reveals his true identity and motivations, and unleashes a final outrage that ends the film on a major down note. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I will say this is one slasher flick where you shouldn’t bother getting too attached to the “final girl.”

THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD is exactly the type of horror flick I had in mind when I originally decided to do these PICKS FROM THE CRYPT reviews. For some reason, this flick is almost always ignored when 80’s slasher flicks are discussed, and if it is mentioned or reviewed it always gets slammed for being boring, too gruesome, and for having a “depressing” ending. That is exactly why I love this flick so much. I think the grim, sickly humorous ending gives this flick a big boost. Not every horror flick needs a happy ending, or a cutesy shot of the killer opening his eyes or walking away to neatly set up a sequel. This is one of the brave few horror flicks that doesn’t give the audience what they might want or expect.

THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD was the end result of three writers and two directors coming together to make a tense and atmospheric slasher. Co-directors and writers Stephen Carpenter & Jeffery Obrow were at the helm when this film was originally shot under the title PRANKS. I’m glad they decided to change the title, not only because THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD is infinitely cooler sounding, but also because there is exactly ONE prank on display in the entire film. These are some very straight laced college kids. Hell, they even sleep in separate beds! Sadly, there is no nudity or gratuitous sex scenes in this one. Some titties would have gone a long way to making this one more of a slasher classic, but the violent deaths, superior score, and morbid climax all add up to make this one stand out from the pack in a big way.

In an age where seemingly every slasher flick ever made gets a big budget Hollywood remake, I’m shocked that this one hasn’t been given the same treatment yet. The title alone makes this flick a perfect candidate for a lame ass “re-imagining.” I would actually love to see a remake of THE DORM THAT DRIPPED BLOOD hit theaters, only so I could finally get a proper dvd release of the original. So far there has only been one unauthorized dvd release in the States, and it featured the shabby looking and edited Vipco print of the film. Like any horror flick, this needs to be seen UNCUT to be fully appreciated. I cherish my dvd-r copy of the old school uncut Media vhs release. The uncut version is also currently making the rounds on youtube. I think this flick gets a bad rap and deserves a look.

Check out the trailer!

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085694

This one starts out on a dark and stormy night in 1963. A pregnant woman named Dorothy Slater goes into birth and suffers complications that threaten her life and the life of her baby. A doctor is called in to perform an emergency cesarean, but the operation is a failure. When Dorothy wakes up and asks to see her baby, it appears to be lifeless.

We then flash forward several years. Dorothy Slater is now the cranky house mother of Theta Pi sorority. The girls of Theta Pi have just graduated and are planning a final blow out beer bash to celebrate. Mrs. Slater of course won’t allow such festivities in her house and goes about her business of being a castrating hag that spoils all of the girls fun. We then get to spend some quality time with Mrs. Slater as she goes to a doctor’s appointment. It appears that Mrs. Slater has never fully recovered from the loss of her child and her mind is deteriorating and progressing towards madness. Her doctor fears that a traumatic episode could cause her to snap, and he urges her to check into the hospital for an extended stay. She refuses and returns home where she violently rips up the photos of past graduating classes. She also lurks about in the sorority house attic, which is oddly filled with children’s toys.

Meanwhile, a sorority skank named Vicki meets her boyfriend Rick for a romp on her waterbed. The fun is short lived, as Mrs. Slater shows up and promptly punctures the bed with her cane. She calls the girl “trash” and tells her that she doesn’t belong in her house. This angers Vicki, and she wakes up the whole house while loudly arguing with Mrs. Slater and vowing revenge. Vicki then decides to pull a little prank on Mrs. Slater that will temporarily put her out of action and leave the girls free to party down.

The prank involves the sorority swimming pool and a gun, which Vicki assures the other girls will be unloaded. Good girl Katey is immediately aware that this is a bad idea, but the other girls are convinced the prank will be a “blast” (get it?). The girls go ahead and set up the house for the party. Mrs. Slater is furious when she sees this and begins one of her patented tirades. She then notices that her trusty cane is missing. Vicki smiles and tells her to look for it by the pool. Mrs. Slater does this and discovers that her cane is on top of an inner tube that is floating in the middle of the pool. Vicki then pulls out the gun and tells Mrs. Slater to take a swim. When she refuses, Vicki fires off a few shots and scares her into jumping into the pool. The harmless fun then turns deadly when Mrs. Slater swings her cane at Vicki and Vicki shoots her in retaliation.

The girls fish Mrs. Slater out of the pool, but the old woman is dead. Good girl Katey freaks out and wants to call an ambulance, but Vicki and the others talk her out of it. Vicki decides that since Mrs. Slater had no living relatives no one will ever miss her. Unbelievably, the girls then decide to sink the corpse to the bottom of the pool and go on with the party as planned! This is one of those hilarious moments where you have to swallow your disbelief and accept that fact that if they did “the right thing” you wouldn’t have a slasher movie on your hands.

The party rages. A shitty band called Four Out Of Five Doctors wails away in the background, and a fat fuck in his tighty whiteys jumps into the pool and utters the incredible line “I’m a sea pig!” The girls are horrified because they think Mrs. Slater’s corpse will be discovered, but when the pool lights are turned on her body is missing. The girls huddle in the kitchen and begin freaking out. Katey assumes that Mrs. Slater must still be alive, but Vicki believes that if she was alive she would have called the cops. The girls then split up and begin looking for the body. One of the girls named Morgan begins cleaning out a closet and discovers the secret hatch that leads to the attic. The hatch unexpectedly opens and Mrs. Slater’s dead body comes tumbling down on top of Morgan.

The girls try to figure out how her body wound up in the attic, and then decide to hide her again. Morgan storms off to have a drink and settle her nerves and finds a music box on the patio outside of her room. As the music plays and the clown on the music box dances, a killer in a clown suit sneaks up from behind and impales her with Mrs. Slater’s cane. As the party continues to rage, good girl Katey goes looking for Morgan and decides to check the attic. She discovers the toys and a birthday card addressed “to Eric, love Mother.” The other girls hide Mrs. Slater’s corpse in a dumpster and have a wacky run in with campus security.

While all this hilarity is taking place, the clown killer takes out several of the girls by poking them in the face with Mrs. Slater’s cane and stabbing them in the neck. Meanwhile, Katey gets in touch with Mrs. Slater’s doctor. Dr. Beck races to the sorority house and discovers the girls’ corpses, and also Mrs. Slater’s dead body. Dr. Beck quickly determines that Mrs. Slater is indeed dead, and then reveals to Katey the twisted truth about Mrs. Slater’s child. He also thoughtfully injects her with a mild sedative, which is a logical thing to do when a mad killer in a clown suit is on a rampage.

As the dope takes effect, Katey begins tripping out and seeing the bodies of her dead friends. Then the killer shows up to take out the doctor and the other remaining party goers. This leaves good girl Katey alone and helpless in the sorority of nightmares. But when the nightmare ends, the terror begins. Nothing is off limits and nothing can prepare you for what happens when she strikes back! The killer will learn the hard way that sorority sisters are sisters in life, and sisters in death.

This is about as much of a “by the book” slasher flick as I’ve ever seen, and I mean that in a good way. From the blue-tinted prologue to that always annoying shot where the killer opens his eyes to reveal that he’s not really dead, this flick is full of the cliches that slasher fans have come to know and love. This flick hits all the right notes, and does it with considerable talent and skill. Writer and director Mark Rosman had previously worked with Brian DePalma and he obviously learned a thing or two about helming an effective thriller.

The kills are the best part of the flick and the bloody head in the toilet is an obvious highlight. This flick has quite a few comic relief moments (SEA PIG!) but mostly plays it straight which I appreciated. Richard Band’s (Re-Animator, From Beyond) haunting score is especially excellent and really adds to the atmosphere of the film. Incredibly, the score for this film was recorded by the renowned London Philharmonic Orchestra. Not every 80’s slasher flick can boast that! I also really liked the killer’s clown outfit. I just wish we could have seen more of him. The rarely seen killer that lurks in the attic was lifted from Bob Clark’s classic Black Christmas, but if you’re going to steal you might as well steal from the best.

Elite Entertainment released HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW on dvd a few years ago. The transfer was decent looking, but the dvd was essentially bare bones with an amusing theatrical trailer being the sole bonus feature. Sadly, this dvd release is now out of print. Hopefully a new special edition dvd release is in the works to cash in on the big budget remake titled Sorority Row that hits theaters in October 2009.

Enjoy the classic trailer for HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW!

SPLATTER UNIVERSITY (1984)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0125510/

SPLATTER UNVERSITY starts off with a bang inside an insane asylum where a dangerous paranoid schizophrenic named William Grayham is discovered missing. An orderly goes looking for him and gets stabbed in the dick for his efforts. The maniac (we never see his face) then slips into the orderly’s bloodstained uniform and escapes. We then flash forward three years later to the campus of St. Trinians College. A pretty young sociology teacher is grading papers in her classroom and a killer whom we assume is William Grayham shows up to stab her in the tits.

A new teacher named Julie Parker (Francine Forbes) soon arrives on campus as a replacement. The head of the university – Father Jansen, welcomes Julie to the faculty but also warns her about the supposed “curse” on her classroom and the murder that recently occurred there. He then assures her that the murder was an isolated incident. Julie is shocked to discover that a violent death had taken place in her new classroom, but she is strapped for cash and decides to accept the job anyway. As Julie struggles to make a connection with her brain dead students she eventually develops a relationship with a handsome teacher named Mark Hammond.

It doesn’t take long before the killer strikes again. Various dimwitted students and teachers are slashed in the forehead, stabbed in the back, disemboweled on the toilet, and have their throats slit. When her best friend is found mutilated in a stationary cupboard, Julie finally decides that it’s time to pack up and leave town. As she attempts to break off her relationship with Mark and give her notice to Father Jansen she gets closer to the psycho killer than ever before. As the madman’s secret identity is finally revealed, the teacher becomes the student and earns a higher degree in terror!

Incredibly, four different writers are responsible for creating this flick. Co-writer and director Robert W. Haines was apparently warming up for his more well known slice of school savagery – The Class Of Nuke ‘Em High. SPLATTER UNIVERSITY was originally a Troma production, and Lloyd Kaufman gets a credit as a “creative consultant.” As you might expect, this is a very cheesy horror flick with a lot of dumb humor. Some folks will bust a gut laughing at the wacky hijinks including booger eating mental patients and beer swilling college cretins and others will simply find this to be stupid as hell. I fall somewhere in the middle. I think this flick is actually a lot better than most people give it credit for, but it is still not meant to be taken too seriously. It’s obvious that this flick was intended to be a joke, so the key to enjoying it is to have a drink or seven and just go along for the ride.

Slasher fans should certainly enjoy the classroom carnage. The uncut version of this flick features some nice bloody stabbings and sliced up corpses. One of SPLATTER UNIVERSITY’s classic taglines was “Where the school colors are blood red!” and the film more than makes good on that promise. There is no shortage of blood and violence. There’s also quite a few tense moments leading up to the climax of the film. While a lot of fans and critics seem to dismiss this one as being pure schlock, I think the serious horror elements are there and that they are convincingly effective. The mystery of the killer’s identity is sort of a joke, but perhaps I find wheelchair bound priests that spy on people and tremble uncontrollably to be overly suspicious. I blame my Catholic upbringing.

Special attention must be given to actress Denise Texeira, who plays a smoking hot freckle faced ginger chick cleverly named Denise. Denise sports a thick “New Joisey” accent, fifteen pounds of poofed up red hair, and rocks a pair of tiger print panties OVER her black tights! I fucking love her! Speaking of smoking hot ginger chicks, lead actress Francine Forbes is also pretty damn easy on the eyes. She has a great smile and a likable quality about her. It’s not surprising she later went on to become a staple of annoying infomercials. She now goes by the name Forbes Riley, and you can currently catch her hawking Jack Lalane juicers and comfort shoe inserts. I wish she had done more horror flicks over the years, but I was happy to see she once made an appearance on Boy Meets World as a reporter.

This flick also has a really cool punk rock connection. George Seminara appears in the film as a character named Tony. George went on to appear in a couple other flicks, but is better known as a producer and director. He directed The Ramones home videos Lifestyles Of The Ramones and It’s Alive 1974 – 1996, as well as an excellent documentary/concert called Live In New York featuring Agnostic Front, Sick Of It All, and Gorilla Biscuits. I’m not sure if anyone else will give a shit about that, but I thought it was pretty damn cool and made me like this flick even more. It’s too bad The Ramones or Agnostic Front didn’t contribute to the soundtrack. The crap music in this flick is credited to Chris Burke, and I’m not entirely sure that he isn’t the same Chris “Corky” Burke who stole America’s heart as a lovable teenage retard on Life Goes On. The music in this flick is so bad you might think a retard was responsible.

Elite Entertainment released SPLATTER UNIVERSITY on dvd. The only bonus feature is a pair of theatrical trailers, but at least the film is presented uncut and uncensored. I would love to see a special edition dvd release with a Francine Forbes commentary track and a “where is she now” piece on Denise Texeira, but I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that one.

Watch the uncensored trailer for SPLATTER UNIVERSITY…if you dare!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!

MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH (1976)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0074875

In what can only be described as a “what the fuck?” moment, MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH actually begins with the final shot of the movie, and then works its way through an opening credits montage consisting of the film’s many brutal and explosive highlights set to a sensitive sounding Seventies soft rock song called “The Crossroads Of Your Life.” Once that insanity winds down we are introduced to David (Derrel Murray) – the new kid at Central High, a large high school located near the California coastline. David immediately runs afoul of the little league gestapo that dominates the school.

The terrible trio of Bruce (a snobby and domineering hang gliding enthusiast), Craig (an ill tempered diver with an impressive mane of chest hair), and Paul (a big blonde doofus surfer) have turned the students of Central High into scared mice. On David’s first day the thugs decide to punish a geek named Spoony (Robert “Revenge Of The Nerds” Carradine!) for painting a swastika on a locker as a form of social protest. David interveins, asking Spoony where to find the student lounge. Bruce informs David that he is looking for trouble, and that he will quickly find it unless he minds his own business.

David walks away and has a much more pleasant encounter with a pretty gal named Theresa. (Kimberly Beck of “Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter” fame!) Theresa points David in the direction of the student lounge, where his old pal Mark (Andrew “10 To Midnight” Stevens!) is waiting for him. David is shocked when he discovers that Mark is the fourth member of Bruce’s gang. Mark assures David that he’s riding pretty high around the campus with Bruce and the boys. He tries to convince David to drop his loner shit and just lay back and enjoy the place. Then Mark introduces David to his girlfriend – Theresa. The same Theresa that David met and fell in love with earlier. Bummer.

An afternoon with the gang spent showing David around degenerates into destruction when the boys decide to trash the beloved old jalopy belonging to Rodney (Rex Sikes), one of their less fortunate classmates. David comes along for the ride and hates it. He later apologizes to Rodney and agrees to help him fix his car. Soon afterward David is again appalled when he sees Bruce and company threaten a fat slob named Oscar with a switchblade. Then the bullies turn their attention toward the obnoxious handicapped volunteer assistant librarian Arthur and trash the library. When David goes to help Arthur clean up the mess Mark asks him what in the hell he’s doing and tells him that he’s going “to blow it.” David responds by telling his old friend Mark that he’s “already blown it for thinking you’re more than that poor guy.”

Things get really nasty when Bruce decides that a couple of his “bull dyke” classmates named Mary & Jane (Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith & Lani O’ Grady – both RIP) need a good fuck. Mark won’t have anything to do with the proceedings, but does nothing to stop it before leaving. Paul on the other hand thinks that rape “might be a new kick!” The three bastards drag the girls kicking and screaming into an empty classroom and attempt to have their way with them. Theresa shows up to interrupt the gang rape but Bruce quickly sends her packing. Then David shows up and hands all three of the punks their asses! David’s right hook is more than enough to rattle their brains. Incredibly, Theresa gets angry at David for fighting and runs off.

This leads to a tender sequence on the beach where David apologizes to Theresa. He admits that if he keeps jumping in without thinking and starts swinging he could “really blow it.” He then explains to Theresa that running is the only thing that keeps his anger under control. David and Theresa then frolic on the beach in the proud “Rocky III” tradition and then go for a night time swim in the nude. Mark and the gang find David’s jeep on the side of the road and Mark convinces them to give David one last chance. Bruce agrees, and sends Mark off to talk to him. Mark stumbles down to the beach and finds his best friend and his best gal too close for comfort. Devastated, Mark goes back to Bruce and tells him that he couldn’t talk any sense into David. He then begs his friends to settle the score with David later, when he’s not around to see it.

Later that night, Bruce, Paul, and Craig go to David’s house and confront him inside the garage – where David is working on Rodney’s car. David refuses to come out from under the car so Bruce gives him a shove which accidentally causes the heavy car frame to crash down onto David’s leg! David is crippled for life, but tells authorities that it was simply an accident and that he was alone at the time. After a few weeks in the hospital David returns to Central High with a limp and a thirst for revenge. He decides to liberate the students of Central High by eliminating the brutal bullies that oppress them. First on the hit list is Bruce, who is electrocuted after some hang glider sabotage. Then Craig is snuffed after diving headfirst into a drained pool. Finally big dumb Paul gets his in a fiery auto wreck.

The students of Central High are happy to finally be free, but it doesn’t take long for the formerly abused to become abusive themselves. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Fat slob Oscar begins throwing his weight around. Rodney becomes a snob who can’t stop fawning over his new car. Arthur becomes even more obnoxious and uses his superior intellect to insult the library patrons. Worst of all, Spoony, Mary, and Jane turn into self righteous hippies that decide who could use a “good fuck!”

One by one, the students all go up to David, looking to join up with him and rule the school together. Disgusted with the hypocrisy, and how quickly it takes place, David decides the only fair thing to do is to kill them too. David is no mercy killer. He decides how and when they will die. Arthur dies from lethal hearing-aid sabotage, Oscar and Rodney both get blown up real good, and Spoony, Mary, and Jane have their torrid three way fuck fest interrupted with dynamite and falling rocks! Then David goes to the student/alumni prom with a bomb. Can Mark and Theresa stop him in time? Thank God you’ve graduated!

I consider this to be the greatest teenage revenge flick of all time. Really, no other flick comes close when it comes to exploring teenage fascism. One of the greatest lines in the movie is “There’s definitely a message in all these accidents – the higher you feel, the deeper you fall.” It’s much more thought provoking than the usual Seventies exploitation fare. It works because the characters and the storyline are realistic. Nagging questions, like where in the hell are the teachers, parents, or police are easy to ignore. It’s also worth mentioning that the explosive ending was later lifted and recycled in the cult classic “Heathers.”

I would very much like to see a special edition dvd release of MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH This one deserves a larger audience, if only for being one of the few horror films that could never be remade.

Check out the trailer!

NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0089665

After a brutal gang rape occurs on a construction site in a small Texas town, a masked killer with a bad case of Darth Vader-itis and a penchant for horrible Freddy Krueger wisecracks goes on a killing spree seeking revenge against…well pretty much everyone. Dressed in camouflage, driving a hearse, and armed with a pneumatic nail gun, the deranged killer makes swiss cheese out of any redneck that crosses his deadly path.

The unfortunate victims are repeatedly nailed in the head, the groin, to trees, to the highway, and sometimes to each other. The dimwitted country bumpkin sheriff with a badge that likes to switch sides on his chest at random teams up with an always denim clad county medical examiner who looks like the bass player from Night Ranger to investigate the murders. As these two geniuses wander around aimlessly looking for clues the nail ridden dead bodies begin stacking up like cord wood.

I’m a huge fan of this hilariously inept 80’s slasher flick with a huge body count. This flick delivers like fifteen bloody murders, a gang rape, and some nice titties within its 90 minute running time. Hard to argue with that! NAIL GUN MASSACRE is a special film for many reasons, but my favorite part has to be the odd, inexplicable appearance of a toothless old geezer who randomly shows up in a scene and proceeds to steal the whole fucking movie by asking the immortal question “Hey, what put all them holes in her body? Sex?” That’s followed closely by the dead body that starts to tip over and is thoughtful enough to prop himself back up so he doesn’t fuck up the shot. You don’t see that in every flick.

Fans of gratuitous nudity will enjoy a steaming eyeful thanks to a big haired blonde who proudly displays her enormous rack, complete with tan lines and a set of nipples roughly the size of a midget’s thumbs! There’s also a fairly sleazy scene with a really ugly couple bumping uglies against a tree, and an unbelievable moment where a hick talks his bimbo date into having sex on the hood of his car “so they can really fly!” The latter sex scene is set to the tune of a toe tapping number entitled “Foozeball” that is played in it’s entirety not once, but twice in a row. It’s guaranteed to get stuck in your head. What I really appreciate about the chicks in this flick is the fact that they are all 100% authentic trailer trash. No pesky silicone or cosmetic surgery to ruin the fun, they all look like chicks you could pick up at a county fair.

Writer, producer, and co-director Terry Lofton was the brains and the bucks behind this incredibly cheesy homemade horror flick More than a few critics have slammed NAIL GUN MASSACRE, but I think it more than delivers the goods for horror fans with a hunger for bloody mayhem and cheap, sometimes unintentional laughs. Terry has stated that he didn’t want to make a “real blood & guts type horror movie” but instead wanted to make a fun, low key horror flick. Hats off to Terry for a job well done. If you attempt to take this seriously, you’ll probably hate it. But if you watch this flick with sense of humor you’ll love it. This is a perfect movie to watch on a Saturday night with a few beers and buds.

Synapse Films released a fantastic looking dvd of NAIL GUN MASSACRE that was fully restored in high definition and is presented in anamorphic widescreen. The special features include outtakes, a promotional trailer, and an interview with Terry Lofton. There’s also some very funny liner notes from Michael Felsher that point out some of the film’s many shortcomings.

Enjoy a brief clip of Terry Lofton discussing the NAIL GUN MASSACRE special effects!

MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE (1988)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0095611

The late, great Cameron Mitchell takes the money and runs with a brief appearance as the sleazy owner of Memorial Valley Campground, a dumpy campsite that opens to the public while still unfinished and under construction. Cameron’s determined to cash in on the Memorial Day weekend, and isn’t concerned with the rash of mysterious accidents that have recently plagued the park. Not even finding a dead guard dog in the water supply is enough to change his mind. Cameron leaves his fresh faced college boy son in charge and is never seen again. (He must have been due on the set of “Space Mutiny!”) Sonny boy immediately ruffles the feathers of the tough talking manager of the campground, played by John Kerry – sadly b-movie actor John Kerry, not Senator John Kerry.

A haggard collection of idiot campers decide to rough it and set up shop in the woods for the weekend. The campers include beefy bearded bikers and their raunchy road mommas, cock teasing wet t-shirt sporting skanks and their sexually frustrated speed metal blasting boyfriends, and an unspeakably ugly family of slobs complete with an obese yet impish and possibly gay son with a penchant for motorized mischief. The legendary b-movie actor William Smith also shows up and turns in a great performance as a gravelly voiced alcoholic former General who never leaves his RV. Call it clever scripting if you wish, but I personally think William wasn’t getting paid enough to do much more than sit around and pound booze. His voice sounds like he was swallowing hot coals and gargling toxic waste before every take.

After some unbearably wacky footage of campers dropping their pots & pans, we discover that the person responsible for the recent acts of sabotage is actually a CAVEMAN! Yes indeed, a genuine throwback. Raised alone in a “micro eco-system,” this savage stalks the woods of Memorial Valley attacking anyone or anything that disturbs the peace. Sadly, this “killer caveman” looks more like a lanky bucktoothed teenager in a Tina Turner wig and black socks. Even more hilarity is provided by the tubby Chris Farley in training man-child who steals everything in sight and tears up the woods on his sweet ass ATV. When these two titans collide the sparks really start to fly!

Speaking of sparks, how this “primitive” would know how to ignite a gas tank is never explained. But at least it allows William Smith to leave the picture with a bang. The caveman also possesses the inexplicable ability to sabotage cars and radios, and can even drive a bulldozer! He easily snuffs several of the campers before the final incredible plot twist is revealed – the caveman is really the long lost son of the grouchy campground manager! After the father & son reunion turns deadly the nerdy neanderthal returns to the woods defeated and alone and the camp is closed for good, or at least until the sequel – which the complete and total failure of this film mercifully spared us.

Writer/director Robert C. Hughes is responsible for this one. He also helmed the far superior 1987 hicks in the sticks picture “Hunter’s Blood” with Clu Gulager. Hughes could always be counted on for beautiful outdoor photography and knowing how to keep a picture moving. This picture isn’t nearly as tense or atmospheric as “Hunter’s Blood,” but it probably wasn’t meant to be. This one is a lot more lighthearted, and goes pretty easy on the splatter for a slasher flick. As a result, it works more as a unintentional comedy than a straight horror film.

This ultra low budget horror epic is a real pisser. A product of the 80’s for sure, with the sort of bad acting, big hair, and annoying keyboard music you’ve come to expect and love. If you’re looking for a fun horror flick to watch while killing a few brain cells, MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE will do nicely.

Get a taste of MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE…if you dare!!!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

The fact that people actually take the time to read what I write is always mind blowing, and I’m proud as Hell to know that my reviews have inspired more than a few dvd sales and rentals! The greatest compliment I’ve ever received was from a dude who told me that he saw a CLASS OF 1984 dvd on the shelf and thought of me. He bought that flick on the spot based on my recommendation and wound up loving it. That alone makes this column worth doing for me! It’s an honor for me to even be loosely associated with the classic horror and exploitation flicks that I love so much.

In honor of my 40th PFTC column, I have chosen three of my very favorite 80’s horror flicks about deranged serial killers that brutally slaughter women like cattle! Snuggle up with someone you love…and LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!

DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0080645

The late, great Nicholas Worth (Swamp Thing) chews up the scenery as Kirk Smith, a deranged Vietnam vet with a voracious appetite for weight lifting and strangulation. Kirk spends his days working as a sleazy photographer, prowling the streets of Los Angeles looking for attractive young women. When night falls the psycho strangler violently breaks into the homes of women that live alone and has his way with them. He enjoys burning them with candle wax, biting their breasts, and violating their every orifice. Kirk favors an unusual Vietnamese method of strangulation: wrapping a large gold coin in nylon and using it as a tourniquet to slowly squeeze the life from his lingerie clad victims.

Not content with the brutal acts of rape, mutilation, and strangulation, Kirk also has a fetish for leaving his victims’ dead bodies in lurid positions in public places. This final outrage is a slap in the face to the terrified citizens, and to the dumbfounded police. The ego maniacal serial killer also enjoys calling in to a local radio show to taunt the female psychologist host – Lindsay Gale, by boasting of his demented crimes in a terrible sounding Spanish accent. A police detective investigating the case becomes romantically involved with Lindsay, just as Kirk also decides to to set his sights on her. This love triangle quickly turns deadly, because no matter how hard Lindsay tries to stay alive – the murderer is always just a phone call away.

DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE is equal parts sleazy/disturbing/inept/hilarious. The sweaty psycho killer is fantastic and the numerous scenes of him in action are brutal and convincing stuff. Nicholas Worth does a great job playing an emotionally disturbed character, wildly fluctuating from angry to sobbing – often within the same scene. The movie then takes a turn for sheer unintentional hilarity whenever it features the bumbling police officers that are investigating the case. The comedic value is great enough that Rhino Home Video once released this film (in a heavily edited form) on dvd.

Don’t mistake this flick for pure schlock though, as it packs a quite a punch in the vein of other crude, yet effective flicks like “Don’t Go In The House” and “Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer.” The original storyline was based on the Michael Curtis novel “Nightline,” which was a fictionalized account of the notorious “Hillside Strangler” case. The corpses of the female victims being left in lurid, open legged display by the killer and the formation of a “strangler task force” are both taken directly from the real case.

Fans of serial killer flicks, police thrillers, brutal home invasion kills, and occasional moments of odd, out of place cheesy comedy will no doubt appreciate this. BCI released a beautiful looking, 100% uncut dvd release of DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE that includes goodies like a commentary track with director Robert Hammer (no relation), an interview with Nicholas Worth, a stills gallery, and a nifty trailer reel featuring ads for a few of Crown International’s classic genre flicks.

Check out the trailer for DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE!

MANIAC (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0081114

The late great Joe Spinell (Rocky, The Godfather) commands the screen as Frank Zito, a deranged serial killer who prowls the streets of the big apple looking for beautiful women to rip the life out of. Frank was the end result of childhood of brutal child abuse. His beautiful mother Carmen tormented his young mind and savaged his body, leaving him with both emotional and physical scars. Despite this abuse Frank loved his mother with all of his heart and when she was taken from Frank when he was very young in an auto accident he never fully recovered.

His adult mind becomes lost in a sea of voices. He harbors a deep resentment for women, in particular the ones the ones that sit and smile and say “yes miss, no miss, not now miss, whatever you say miss?” In Frank’s defense – it really is enough to drive a man crazy. Frank defends himself with a shotgun and hunts for tasty game after dark. His male victims are just random joes caught with their pants down and are quickly disposed of with strangulation or a face full of lead. Frank Zito is a ladies man. The women are treated to more torturous ways of slaughter and are routinely strangled, shot, stabbed, and scalped.

The scalps are very important to Frank. He brings them home to his creepy looking apartment and nails them to the heads of mannequins that he uses for sex. Frank also dabbles in the arts. He works as a painter, abstracts mostly, some stilllifes, landscapes, that sort of thing. As an artist, Frank lives by the philosophy that things change, people die, but in a picture or painting they are yours forever. The mannequins are Frank’s supreme creation, and he captures the beautiful young women so that they may be his forever.

That’s why Frank has such a fancy for fancy girls and their fancy dresses and lipstick, laughing and dancing. He has to stop them because they don’t know when to stop. He warned them not to go out tonight. They can lock their windows and doors, but they can’t lock the madman out of their minds. The voices in Frank’s head implore him to be careful and always warn him that he could be taken away for doing the things he’s doing. This doesn’t stop Frank from stalking and slaying as many women as possible.

Frank’s already busy life becomes even more complicated when he takes a stroll in the park one day and winds up being photographed by a stunning young fashionista named Anna D’Atoni. (Caroline Munro of Slaughter High fame!) Frank tracks Anna down and the two hit it off in a big way. Despite possessing an appearance that could be politely described as “creepy looking” or perhaps “weird and greasy,” Frank charms the pants off of Anna and takes her out to dinner at a restaurant over in Jersey called Clams Casino. Great Italian food. Frank later attends one of Anna’s exclusive fashion shoots. This allows Frank the opportunity to tap his toes to the funky sounds of Don Armando and the 2nd Avenue Rhumba Band’s sizzling number “Goin’ To A Showdown.” It also gives Frank to the perfect chance to follow a model named Rita home and stick a large knife in her chest because she knew. Rita Knew.

Frank’s third and final date with Anna sadly didn’t go nearly as well. A nighttime visit to the graveyard to pay respects to the beautiful Carmen Zito sounds like a perfect date, but Frank loses control of his emotions at the gravesite. Overcome with the feeling of emptiness and loss, Frank desperately reaches out at for woman now closest to his heart and attacks Anna. Scared and confused, Anna lashes back with a shovel and gives Frank a terrible cut on his arm. Losing blood and the final shreds of his sanity, Frank lamely retreats to the comforts of his apartment. But the worst for Frank has yet to come. His many female companions now have revenge on their minds and decide to take matters, and Frank’s head into their own hands.

MANIAC is one of my all time favorite flicks. I recall having nightmares about a guy jumping up on the hood of my parent’s car and shooting us after watching Bill Lustig’s fucking masterpiece of sleazy splatter as a wee impressionable Brain Hammer. Tom Savini’s gore effects in this flick are some of the sickest stuff he’s ever done, and that is really saying something. The graphic scalpings, skewerings, and shotgun shenanigans vividly displayed in this flick caused many stomachs to turn when it was first released. Even Stephen King admitted to have been disgusted by it. In his 1981 book “Danse Macabre” he refers to the classic whore scalping scene as “well-nigh impossible to watch.”

This infamous and controversial flick really set a new standard for other 80’s flicks to follow in terms of grit and grue. Few slashers or exploitation flicks can come close when it comes to possessing a suffocatingly disturbing, perverse, and violent atmosphere. MANIAC is a brutal film that is clearly love it or hate it material and more than a few critics hated the film. Some self righteous cunts in California even took it upon themselves to paint over beautiful billboards with the classic Joe Spinell crotch shot artwork. Some newspapers refused to run ads, or even list the title of the film. Despite, or more likely because of this controversy the film was very successful. Joe Spinell was right, it wasn’t just a horror picture, it was a HAPPENING.

I really can’t say enough great things about Joe’s performance in this flick. MANIAC was Joe’s baby. Joe Spinell wrote both the story and screenplay and co-produced the film. His performance is completely over the top, but is also really disturbing because it comes across as real. MANIAC is a genuinely chilling film because there have been more than a few real life Frank Zitos in the world. Joe Spinell was one of the first people to accurately portray a demented serial killer and really delve deep into the twisted mind state and background of the character. He carries the whole movie. You spend every second with the killer and there’s no attempts to make sympathetic characters out of the victims. It’s to Joe’s credit that every scene in MANIAC is riveting. I’m a huge fan of Joe Spinell, I even have the Tony Gazzo action figure. It’s a shame he left us so soon, I would have loved to see him starring in more movies.

Bill Lustig did a great job here directing his first non-porno flick. MANIAC was made on a very small budget but still looks and sounds fantastic. Bill later went on to direct a string of cult classics, including “Vigilante” and the Bruce Campbell/Robert Z’Dar epic “Maniac Cop.” I consider MANIAC to be Bill’s true masterpiece, and I’m not alone on that one. This flick has quite the cult following. Frank Zito is known to prowl around the net, and even has his own myspace page.

Bill Lustig’s Blue Underground recently re released MANIAC on dvd. This is a must own dvd that includes a wealth of bonus features including audio commentary from Bill Lustig and Tom Savini, a 49 minute documentary on Joe Spinell, a radio interview with Joe Spinell and Caroline Munro, trailers, still gallery, and a “Gallery Of Outrage” consisting of the film’s many bad reviews. If you don’t have this in your collection you suck.

Check out the trailer!

NIGHTMARE (1981)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082818

A very sweaty man in tighty whiteys writhes around in his bed before waking up and finding a bloody severed head at the foot of his bed. The freshly severed head then opens its eyes, which causes the man to begin screaming. It was all just a dream – or a NIGHTMARE, if you will. The sweaty man in question is a criminally insane psychopath named George Tatum. George is a homicidal schizophrenic who suffers from mild amnesia, dream fixation, and seizures. After being arrested for the sexual mutilation and murder of a family in Brooklyn, George Tatum is sent to a mental hospital where he is force fed a cocktail of experimental hypnotic drugs.

The doctors hope to cure George of his reoccurring dreams and violent episodes by keeping him doped up and subjecting him to radical behavior modification techniques. The secret experiment is quickly dubbed a breakthrough success and the doctors believe that they have completely rebuilt his damaged mind. The next logical step is reprogramming George for future government and lucrative private sector use. Before George can be sold to the highest bidder, the doctor in charge of the experiment foolishly decides to release him into the general public on his own recognizances. This proves to be a deadly mistake.

George Tatum is still incurably insane. The drugs can only temporarily suppress his desire to kill and mutilate, they cannot completely erase the twisted memories from his mind. George begins cruising the NYC sex shops and the lurid sight of whores behind glass is enough to make him fall to the ground and begin foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal. George then hops into his car and begins the long drive from New York to Florida. George is strangely determined to track down a single mother named Susan Temper and her three children, and he is more than willing to kill anyone who gets in his way. For the Temper family, George’s twisted dreams become a real life nightmare that they can’t escape alive.

Writer and Director Romano Scavolini is the mastermind behind this controversial 1981 slasher flick. His inspiration for the story came from an article in the New York Times, which described how the CIA had been administering experimental drugs to schizophrenics. Scavolini used this disturbing idea as the basis for a horror story, and NIGHTMARE was the end result. What makes this film so disturbing is the fact that there has been plenty of real life George Tatums. He is not the boogeyman, or a masked mauler who strikes without any real reason or motive. George Tatum is a psychopath, and one of the most convincing in horror history.

Baird Stafford does a fantastic job in the lead role of George Tatum. He spends most of the movie sweating like a pig in his underwear. He might have been a little too convincing as a psycho, as he only went on to star in one other movie seven years later. The highlight of this flick for me is an incredible sequence where George Tatum suddenly appears behind a unsuspecting victim that is talking on the phone. Baird has just the slightest hint of a smile on his face, and you know the worst is about to come. He slits the woman’s throat and Scavolini treats the audience to a loving close up of her gushing wound. Blood spurts from her throat as she gurgles and struggles to breathe. Then George sits on top of her and begins slowly plunging the knife into her body. What makes this scene really stand out is the way that George appears to be fucking her with the knife. Sweat pours from his hair as he reaches his climax, and the scene is punctuated with a nasty shot of George licking the blood off his hands.

The rest of the cast is horrible, although it’s hard for me to decide if I dislike the actors or the characters that they are playing. The character of Susan Temper is one of the most thoroughly unlikable and unsympathetic I’ve ever seen. She’s a stressed out single mom who spends the majority of the film sleeping, fucking her bearded boyfriend Bob on his boat, and yelling at her children. There’s a scene where she completely abandons her children and thoughtlessly leaves them locked outside of their house while she frolics with her lover. Of course, with children as wretched as hers it’s somewhat easy to understand why she acts like she does. Her daughters are two chubby little pigs that never stop screeching and squeeling. And then there’s the one and only C.J.

C.J. Temper is a purely evil little bastard with a Dorothy Hamill haircut. He’s a rotten little schemer that loves to pull elaborate, mean spirited pranks on his family, friends, and babysitter. He smirks as the police are called in to investigate his dirty deeds. He later pours ketchup all over his body and pretends that someone stabbed him, which causes his frantic mother to almost kill herself racing home. Just when you think you can’t hate this little fucker any more, he then has the appalling nerve to mock the brutal death of his best friend. It’s almost impossible not to despise him and root for his violent demise. C.J. manages to be a formidable foe though, and proves to be an expert shot as he arms himself with a handgun and precisely blasts through a small hole in a door with the trained skill of a professional marksman.

No discussion of NIGHTMARE would be complete without mentioning the Tom Savini controversy that surrounds the film. Romano Scavolini claims that Tom Savini was the special effects supervisor for the entire film. Tom Savini claims that he never worked on the film because he was too busy working on Creepshow at the time. Despite Savini’s dismissal, there are several photos of him on the set that prove he worked on at least one scene in the move – the centerpiece decapitation by hatchet. This incredible scene is the bloody highlight of the film. It is shown in pieces throughout the film, and then shown in its entirety at the climax. Fans of Friday The 13th will find this decapitation to be a very close recreation of the classic Betsy Palmer head slice. Watch the blood flow, watch the twitching hands in front of the body. It’s trademark Tom Savini. There’s really no denying that he created that effect. How much, if any of the rest of the film he worked on is debatable. The rest of the effects in the film are all effectively gruesome, but they are perhaps not quite up to snuff with Savini’s usual work.

Tom Savini was furious when his name was splashed all over the posters for NIGHTMARE, and he successfully sued the production to have his name removed from the ads. His name still appears in the credits of the film though. Savini claims that the producers offered to pay him for his name value only, not for his work. He found this distasteful and dishonest and refused. Romano Scavolini on the other hand is adamant that Savini was the special effects supervisor on the film, and claims that Savini refused to have his name on the film because he wanted the credit to go to his friend and assistant Ed French instead. Regardless of who you choose to believe, the photos prove that Savini worked on the film in some capacity. It remains one of the great slasher controversies to this day.

NIGHTMARE was also a source of much controversy in the UK. The film was banned by BBFC as a Video Nasty, and the head of UK video distributor Oppidan served six months in jail for selling an uncut version of the film! This is the only time in history that someone went to jail for distributing a horror film. Angry critics and bad reviews savaged the film in every country it was released in. The New York Daily News wrote three separate articles attacking the film. Despite, or more likely because of this controversy, the film quickly became a box office success. Variety reported that the film earned over 4 million in 28 cities throughout America and Canada. Not bad for a low budget slasher flick.

I consider NIGHTMARE to be one of the very best 80’s slasher flicks. It works in a big way because of how brutal and realistic it feels. There are a lot of other slasher flicks that are faster paced and have better acting and higher production value, but very few can compare in terms of sleaze, splatter, and an overall sense of shock and disgust. If you want to go inside the mind of a schizophrenic killer, this is a must see flick. This is also essential viewing for all fans of slasher flicks. At the moment, there hasn’t been a proper dvd release in the States. The good folks at Code Red are currently working on a special edition dvd release, and the sooner this happens the better. I am a huge fan of this flick and it deserves a much larger audience.

Check out the trailer for NIGHTMARE…if you dare!!!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

MESSIAH OF EVIL (1973)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0071396

This one starts with a sweaty confused looking man apparently running for his life. He ducks behind a wall and rests by a fountain while attempting to catch his breath. Then a friendly looking girl in a tacky dress appears from out of nowhere to comfort him, before slitting his throat with a razor blade. Welcome to the wild world of MESSIAH OF EVIL! You will never be the same. The haunting theme song “Hold On To Love” that accompanies the opening credits slowly begins lulling the viewer into submission. Then we are treated to an extended out of focus shot of a deranged woman babbling inside a large insane asylum hallway. The mad woman thoughtfully warns the viewers that “They’re coming here. They’re waiting at the edge of the city. They’re peering around buildings at night, and they’re waiting. They’re waiting for you! And they’ll take you one by one and no one will hear you scream. No one will hear you SCREAM!!!”

We are then introduced to a pretty young woman named Arletty (Marianna Hill of “The Baby” and “High Plains Drifter” legend) who goes looking for her missing father and stumbles across an undead cult of rat munching murderous maniac albinos that are wiping out a small town on the California coastline while awaiting the upcoming return of their messiah. As Arletty searches the town for her father she befriends a swinger named Thom (Michael Greer) and his two sexy female traveling companions – Laura (Anitra “Invasion Of The Bee Girls” Ford) & Toni (the aptly named Joy Bang!). Thom is bored and disillusioned and has more than a little money to burn. He particularly enjoys paying the town drunk Charlie (the eternally drunken and shiftless Elisha Cook Jr. of “Salem’s Lot” infamy!) to ramble on about the nights when “blood covered the moon.” Charlie tells Arletty that her father is dead, but assures her that he will be back to see her soon, and whatever she does – she must not bury him!

Arletty is horrified by the words of the booze addled derelict, but decides to resume the search for her father. It doesn’t take long before the town’s madness begins to infect her mind, pollute her body, and threaten her life and the lives of Thom, Laura, and Toni. The zombified townsfolk attack and devour Laura in a deserted supermarket, and Toni gets dispatched while watching a Sammi Davis Jr western in a grindhouse theater. Then Arletty begins puking up lizards and bugs just as her dead daddy finally shows up to reveal the incredible history of the messiah of evil! Massive amounts of blue paint, fire, and decomposition are unleashed until finally Arletty and Thom wind up in the Pacific ocean desperately attempting to swim for their lives.

As one of my favorite obscure horror flicks from the early 70’s, this flick is just brutally bizarre. It’s also one of the most strangely haunting little films I’ve had the pleasure of watching. The director Willard Huyck (who would later direct the infamous “Howard The Duck!”) and writer Gloria Katz deserve much credit for creating such a memorable and disturbing horror film. Many of the scenes throughout are genuinely creepy, and there are a number of visually stunning shots. This actually reminds me quite a bit of a Dario Argento flick: great to look at, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense. The narrative is rather jumbled and it will probably take a few viewings to fully grasp and appreciate what is being presented.

Despite the rather gory sounding premise, this film is somewhat restrained in the gore department. This is a rather unusual “zombie” flick, as there is a distinct lack of graphic gut munching on display. It’s worth mentioning that this flick was also titled “Dead People” and “Revenge Of The Screaming Dead”; both titles would make this appear to be a run of the mill zombie effort. There’s no shortage of bloody violence though, and the film possesses an unpleasant dreamlike atmosphere that will keep you on edge. The death scenes that take place inside a garage, supermarket, and movie theater are all fantastic stuff that make this sometimes confusing film well worth the effort.

MESSIAH OF EVIL can easily be found on dvd, usually for very cheap. I highly recommend seeking out the Diamond Entertainment dvd, which includes “The Devil’s Nightmare” (also a great flick!) as a double feature. You can also find this flick in several of those cheap-o “horror collections.”

Enjoy the classic theater scene from MESSIAH OF EVIL!

VENGEANCE OF THE ZOMBIES (1973)

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0069165

The legendary Paul Naschy plays an Indian mystic named “Krishna” (of course!) who battles his evil twin brother Kantaka. Kantaka was horribly disfigured after an angry mob set a fire that destroyed his castle, and he uses the diabolical powers of black magic to resurrect the recently deceased female relatives of the people that tried to kill him. The resurrected zombie women then become pawns in Kantaka’s deadly game of revenge. Kantaka’s victims include the father of a lovely redhead named Elvire Irving. Elvire becomes romantically involved with Krishna, and a deadly love triangle is created when Kantaka decides that he wants more than her heart.

VENGEANCE OF THE ZOMBIES is a masterpiece of over the top occult themed horror from the dreaded Spanish tag team of director Leon Klimovsky and actor/writer Jacinto Molina (aka Paul Naschy). I’ve been on a tear lately trying to collect as many of these films as I can. This is by far the most entertaining of the bunch I’ve seen. Say what you want about all the unintentional humor, inappropriate lounge music used for score, or the sheer overwhelming cheesiness of these old school Spanish horror flicks – I personally think they have a creepy, authentic horror atmosphere that rivals many other, far more polished horror films. Director Leon Klimovsky could always be counted on to deliver the goods. I’ve enjoyed every film of his that I’ve seen. They are always chock full of eerie cavernous castles, freshly unearthed rotting corpses, lots of gory effects and blood, and an abundance beautiful women.

Jacinto Molina really is an ICON of horror. Sadly, he doesn’t get nearly enough recognition for the decades full of classic horror films he’s written, directed, and starred in. This guy has really done it all. He’s played every memorable movie monster there is. His most famous reoccurring character was Waldemar Daninsky – the wolf man. He’s also appeared as the Devil, Dracula, a mummy, a hunchback, a grave robber, an evil knight, a mercenary, and an assassin!

A lot of his characters in these films are practitioners of the black arts. Over the years many of his films featured evil characters that boldly experiment with Satanism, Sorcery, Witchcraft, blood sacrifices, alchemy, immortality, and resurrection of the dead. Molina in real life studied black magic in order to make his films and characters more authentic. His storylines are always completely wild and over the top. VENGEANCE OF THE ZOMBIES is no exception. The tale of a family curse, a brother’s betrayal, and an army of murderous zombies is the stuff of pure fantasy. Molina says when he wrote the screenplay he must have been “under the effects of hashish, or like Bram Stroker, I’d had one hell of a nightmare.”

No werewolves or vampire women this time around. Instead we are treated to grave robbing, black masses, masked murder rampages, voodoo, ritual sacrifice, chicken decapitation, the walking dead, and the sight of Naschy as both an Indian mystic and a horned Satan who drinks blood from a golden chalice! There’s lots of bloody mayhem in this one, and some nice nudity provided by some especially hot looking women. Krisha’s gold-painted assistant Kala is played by Mirta Miller (Count Dracula’s Great Love), and she is one of the most unbelievably beautiful women I’ve ever seen.

VENGEANCE OF THE ZOMBIES is now available on a beautifully remastered dvd thanks to the fine folks at Deimos/Brentwood. Also available on dvd from Deimos/Brentwood is Paul Naschy’s 1980 film “Night Of The Werewolf,” which is also excellent. Best of all, these flicks are cheap. I got both for only $20! Horror fans looking for something a little…different should give these a try.

Watch seven minutes of VENGEANCE OF THE ZOMBIES…if you dare!

TOURIST TRAP (1979)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080040

A group of five young people go traveling through the desert when one of their vehicles get sidelined with a flat tire. One of the youngsters – Woody, takes the tire and goes looking for a gas station. He manages to find one, but it appears to be deserted. Woody wanders around looking for help and hears a voice in an adjacent room. When he goes inside the room he discovers a group of bizarre looking mannequins, that laugh maniacally and begin leaping out at him. Then to his horror; the door locks itself, the windows close themselves, and objects including bottles and knives begin flying at him. In a panic he manages to break a hole in the door, but someone or something on the other side grabs his arm and pins him against the door. Then a large metal pole flies across the room and impales him.

When Woody doesn’t return, the others decide to go looking for him. As they drive further down the highway they see a sign for a “tourist trap” called Slausen’s Lost Oasis. The gang thinks that it must be where Woody had went for help and decide to go check it out. Then their jeep stalls and the headlights break. The sole male of the group – Jerry, stays behind to try to fix the jeep while the three girls decide to go skinny dipping in a nearby lake. That’s when they meet Mr. Slausen (Chuck Conners), the rifle toting proprietor of Slausen’s Lost Oasis.

Mr. Slausen thoughtfully offers to help the gang fix their jeep, and gives them a ride back to his house so he can fetch his tools. His “house” is actually a large old museum filled with western memorabilia and realistic looking wax dummies. Mr. Slausen explains that his business was ruined thanks to the new highway system (shades of Psycho) and that his wife had died, leaving him all alone. Even his brilliant artist brother Davey left the Lost Oasis to take a job at a big wax museum in the city. Most of the kids are creeped out by the place, but one of the girls named Molly seems oddly sympathetic towards Mr. Slausen.

Slausen and Jerry leave the girls in the museum and go off to repair the jeep. The girls wander around the museum marveling at how realistic the mannequins look and feel. One of more adventurous girls decides to check out the large house next door the museum. She quickly regrets it when she meets a maniac in a hideous looking mask that uses deadly powers of telekinesis to strangle her. The masked madman eventually captures the rest of the kids and ties them up in the basement. The kids are forced to watch the monster suffocate another young girl with a face full of plaster. Molly manages to escape the museum and runs to Mr. Slausen for help. That’s when the murderous secrets of the Lost Oasis are revealed. Illusion and reality begin to blend together and Molly has to fight to stay alive and save her friends. But who will survive, and what will be left of their sanity?

David Schmoeller’s TOURIST TRAP is a personal favorite of mine. It’s an unbelievably creepy combination of the supernatural and slasher sub-genres. It reminds me of a cracked out combination of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House Of Wax, Carrie, and Phantasm. First time viewers will no doubt be caught off guard by the many sensational shocks along the way. I left out a lot of the key moments in my review because I don’t want to spoil the fun for anyone. People with an abnormal fear of mannequins should avoid this flick like the plague. The maniacal mannequins in TOURIST TRAP laugh and scream at the terrified victims to be and quickly drive them (and the viewer) insane.

Chuck Conners is fantastic as Mr. Slausen. He commands the screen in this one as a horrific hybrid of Norman Bates and Leatherface. The rest of the cast is also very good. Jocelyn Jones in particular does a great job as the sympathetic lead who loses her grip on reality. The one and only Tanya Roberts (Purgatory, Charlie’s Angels) also stars and her two major talents can be seen peeking through her tight blue tube top. Everything about this flick is superior, including the spooky score from Pino Donaggo. The body count is relatively low compared to the slashers that would follow in the next few years, but very few low budget horror flicks are as unnerving, or as original and intense as this.

Koch/Full Moon Releasing were responsible for the 20th Anniversary Edition dvd release of TOURIST TRAP. The film is presented completely uncut and digitally remastered. There’s also a commentary track from director/co-writer David Schmoeller that dishes the dirt about the film’s origins. Add to that the original trailer and several trailers for other Full Moon releases and you’ve got an essential purchase. Fans of chilling and thrilling late 70’s horror should consider this a must see flick.

Check out the trailer!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

Gory greeting horroryearbook alumni! This latest edition of PICKS FROM THE CRYPT is dedicated to Jill Schoelen. Jill is one of the more underrated scream queens in my opinion. She appeared in a string of memorable horror flicks including Wes Craven’s Chiller (1985), The Stepfather (1987), Curse II: The Bite (1988), Cutting Class (1989), The Phantom Of The Opera (1989), Popcorn (1991), and When A Stranger Calls Back (1993). Jill has two major assets going for her: she is beautiful, and she is a great actress. I want to be classy in writing this column in hopes that Jill might read it, but I have to go for the cheap laugh. She looks like somebody’s sister… somebody’s sister I would like to fuck. Sorry, I had to say that.

In honor of Jill Shoelen I shall now review three of my favorite flicks that she starred in. LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!

THE STEPFATHER (1987)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094035

Jill Shoelen plays an adorable young girl named Stephanie who doesn’t care much for her new stepfather, Jerry. Stephanie’s mother assures her that Jerry (Terry O’ Quinn) is a sweet man, and a great provider who wants nothing more than to make a family and get to know her better. Stephanie tries to make the best of the situation, but becomes distrustful of Jerry when she discovers how incredibly possessive and overly protective he is toward his new family. She gets a sneak peek at Jerry’s dark side when she catches him freaking out and smashing things in a fit of uncontrollable rage in the basement.

Stephanie has a very good reason to be afraid of Jerry – he is in fact a psychopath that murdered his first family before altering his appearance, changing his name, and moving to a new town to start over. Jerry will let nothing get in the way of his twisted dream of having the perfect all American family, and kills anyone who raises his ire or acts overly suspicious towards him. When Jerry catches Stephanie kissing a boy on the front porch one night he goes berserk and accuses the boy of trying to rape her. Stephanie’s defiance of his rules shatters his illusions of her perfection and causes him to snap once again and finally decide that he will have to kill the girl and her mother. Daddy’s home… and he’s not very happy.

THE STEPFATHER was loosely based on the real life case of John List, a New Jersey man who killed his entire family and then disappeared for 16 years before finally being captured after he was profiled on an early episode of America’s Most Wanted. This flick falls more into the thriller category than horror, but it still manages to impress with some sudden mood swings and scenes of intense violence. The opening sequence that shows Jerry’s bloodstained former home and the dead bodies of his former wife and kids is fairly gruesome. There’s also a nasty 2X4 bludgeoning that really packs a whollop. Director Joesph Rubin (Dreamscape) does a solid job and creates a good balance of suspense, tension, and black humor. He went on to milk this formula for all it was worth less successfully in his other well known thrillers Sleeping With The Enemy and The Good Son.

Terry O’ Quinn (Lost) is terrific in this flick. His performance as a psycho is so offbeat and convincing, I’m surprised he didn’t go on to be the Anthony Perkins of the nineties. Terry commands the screen from start to finish and displays some truly superior acting skills. His incredible performance in this film ranges from bloodthirsty rampages to an ultra tense dinner scene where he says nothing and yet somehow manages to show his inner rage boiling away using only his eyes. You also get the feeling that his deranged character is really buying into his fantasy of the having the perfect family. It’s chilling stuff, and a good thing too because his performance almost single handedly carries the entire film.

The mother is played by a horrible actress, and the “old step-brother” subplot is a throw away time waster. Jill Shoelen on the other hand turns in a great performance as the sassy and suspicious stepdaughter who eventually has to defend herself and her mother against a maniac hellbent on having a perfect family. While the acting in this flick is a little bit uneven, it never spoils the fun. I consider THE STEPFATHER to be one of the very best 80’s pseudo-slashers. Terry O’ Quinn’s amazing performance alone makes this a must see. Sadly, this flick isn’t currently available on dvd in the States. Hopefully that will change sooner than later. I’d love to see a special edition dvd with a Terry O’ Quinn commentary track and a “where is she now” piece on Jill Shoelen. I’d also love to see Jill Shoelen’s piece.

Check out the trailer!

CUTTING CLASS (1989)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0097136

Paula Carson (Jill Schoelen) is a pretty high school cheerleader who gets caught in a lover’s triangle between her troubled basketball superstar bad boy boyfriend Dwight (Brad Pitt, in his first major film role!) and Brian (Donavon Leitch), the disturbed yet sensitive new kid who has just been released from a mental institution after killing his father. Dwight and Brian have a secret history (Righty tighty, lefty loosey!) and when Brian shows up offering Paula his hot dog because she had “that look” Dwight explodes with jealousy.

When Paula’s Father (Martin Mull!) goes off for a duck hunting vacation he has an arrow put through his chest by an unseen assailant with a deadly grudge against the bumbling district attorney. Then the killer pursues Paula and eliminates any member of the student body or faculty that gets in the way. The asshole art teacher gets extra crispy inside a 500 degree kiln, the haggard vice principal (Nancy Fish) has her face smashed into a xerox machine, and the flabby gym coach is impaled with an American flag while happily bouncing on a trampoline (the inspiration for Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving, perhaps?)! A couple of Paula’s friends are snuffed too. Then the killer sets a deadly trap inside a classroom for Paula and the Math teacher to solve or suffer the consequences (Saw stole everything from this movie!). No one said surviving high school would be easy, but Paula didn’t didn’t know someone very close to her would be willing to kill to fit in.

CUTTING CLASS opens with a fantastic scene where Jill fetches the morning paper clad only in her white t-shirt and it’s sexy as hell! You don’t see anything, but she just looks so damn naughty doing it. I love that scene! Pretty much the whole movie consists of men leering at Jill’s character. Every man in the movie (with the exception of her father) checks out her ass and tries to get her in the sack. The art teacher enjoys closely examining her stretching and accommodating young muscles. The flabby gym coach snuggles up close to help her improve her archery technique. Even the fruity high school principal played by the late great Roddy McDowall (Class Of 1984) can’t resist her. He even buys Jill a new cheerleading uniform just for the supreme pleasure of seeing her bend over in a short skirt to pick up the package! Jill carries the film as the leading lady with ease, and always looks great doing it. B-movie favorite Brenda James (Slither) co-stars and steals the show as the fast living hot blooded redhead cheerleader with no panties and breasts big enough to feed a family of four! WOW!

Then there’s the man himself – Brad Pitt. He plays a tough but tender high school rebel with a penchant for child endangerment (he even wears a red jacket to make it obvious that he is a rebel without a cause!). He gets to display his incredible white boy basketball skills AND unleash a jivey sounding black voice to say “I ain’t got no basketball scholarship!” after blowing his big shot with “the university!” I especially like the scene where Brad assures his girlfriend that he’s bigger than her father “where it matters.” This is truly a debut leading man performance to be proud of.

Brad’s male co-star is the internet favorite Donovan Leitch. Popular with both the guys and the gals (especially the guys), Donovan also appeared in the 1988 remake of The Blob (great flick). I got a chuckle out of reading his credit as “featured dancer” in the 1984 urban classic Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo! Donovan does a great job as the disturbed young man who rides a bike with rainbow tassels on the handlebars and implores people to “gimme that man talk.” MAN TALK?!?

Director Rospo Pallenberg’s CUTTING CLASS was one of the very last gasps of the 80’s slasher craze. And a great flick too. I think it’s criminally underrated and often misunderstood. It’s not so much a mocking parody of a high school slasher flick, but is instead a rather tame high school slasher flick done with a lot of cheesy humor. No surprise, as it was written by Steve Slavkin, who also wrote the beloved tv series Salute Your Shorts! There’s no graphic gore, but a fair amount of blood is splattered. The mystery of the the killer’s identity is sort of a joke, or perhaps I just find characters identified as “violent schizophrenics” who have endured hours of shock therapy to be overly suspicious.

Horror fans with a sense of humor and a taste for the gloriously cheesy 80’s should really enjoy this. Lionsgate was kind enough to recently release an unrated version of CUTTING CLASS on dvd. This would make a great addition to any 80’s horror fan’s collection.

Check out some CUTTING CLASS carnage!

POPCORN (1991)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102690

Jill Schoelen stars as Maggie, a beautiful film student at the University of California who is tormented by recurring nightmares. In her dreams, Maggie watches helplessly as a young girl named Sarah is pursued by a mysterious sword swinging Rasputin lookalike. Maggie is baffled as to what the bizarre dreams could possibly mean and keeps a journal detailing her hazy memories. Maggie is convinced that the nightmares would make a fantastic screenplay, but her mother (Dee Wallace Stone of The Hills Have Eyes & The Howling fame) is concerned and urges her to put the dreams behind her.

Meanwhile, Maggie’s film class decides to hold a fund raiser. At the urging of their professor (Tony Roberts), the students plan an all night horrorfest in an old abandoned movie theater. Ray Walston (My Favorite Martian) makes a brief appearance as a fruity old vaudeville performer who schools the kids on the rich history of the Dreamland theater and gives them access to a large trunk full of vintage William Castle styled film gimmicks. As the kids clean up the theater for the fund raiser (set to a musical montage that gave me Revenge Of The Nerds flashbacks) a geek named Toby (Tom Villard, who can play a geek with the best of them) stumbles upon a short film reel titled The Possessor.

The kids then watch the disturbing short film, which is eerily similar to Maggie’s nightmares. The title role of The Possessor is played by a deranged hippy filmmaker named Lanyard Gates. Gates was driven over the edge by scathing reviews and composed the film as his ultimate revenge on critics and unappreciative audiences. At the end of the film’s one and only screening, Lanyard Gates proceeded to kill his entire family on stage, with the sole exception of his daughter Sarah. Sarah was saved at the last moment by her Aunt, who shot Gates and then accidentally started a massive fire that killed several innocent people inside the Dreamland theater.

Normally a morbid revelation like this would be enough to scare reasonably intelligent kids away, but this is a horror movie, so the class decides to hold the horrorfest at the theater anyway. The lineup consists of a terrible trio of schlocky sci-fi flicks with titles like The Stench & The Amazing Electrified Man. A large audience full of idiots in Halloween costumes shows up and quickly packs the theater. The fun is short lived however, as someone in the audience is hellbent on bringing the horrors of The Possessor back to life.

The seemingly harmless props that the kids were planning on scaring the audience with are turned into deadly weapons, and unfortunate victims are impaled, gassed, and electrocuted. But who is this maniac? Could it be Lanyard Gates back from the dead? Or is it someone who has been possessed by The Possessor and is compelled to finish to his life’s work? Maggie and her dimwitted love interest try to solve the mystery and eventually uncover a madman with a penchant for disguises and a thirst for revenge.

POPCORN was written and partially directed by the one and only Alan Ormsby (Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things). Alan quit the picture after just three weeks of shooting and took his name off the film. The screenplay is credited to Ormsby’s pseudonym Ted Hackett (Hack it!). This was a notoriously troubled production. Jill Schoelen replaced the original lead actress shortly after the film begin shooting. The title Popcorn originally referred to an element in the story that was later removed and never shot. Regardless, the producers decided to keep the title, which does make sense considering the bulk of the film takes place in a movie theater.

The always underrated Alan Ormsby deserves a lot of credit for being one of the first people to pay tribute to the classic horror flicks of the 50’s and for turning the slasher film on its ear by neatly parodying the genre. Unlike a lot of modern horror flicks that attempt to do the same thing, you never get the feeling that he is completely taking the piss out of the genre. This is a loving tribute, done with hearts in the right place. POPCORN isn’t particularly gory but it makes up for a lack of blood with tons of energy and a mounting sense of dread and intensity. There are some very nice performances along the way from Jill Schoelen and Tom Villard. Jill is cute as a button and the always offbeat Villard pretty much steals the show.

Sadly, when it was first released in 1991, POPCORN came and went with the force and stench of a stale popcorn fart. The early 90’s were a shitty time for horror flicks and so-called fans that were burnt out on the genre turned their noses up at this one. Since then, the film had repeatedly played on cable and gone on to be something of a cult favorite. Elite Entertainment released POPCORN on dvd a few years back. The print is a bit murky looking, and there’s not much in the way of bonus features. The highlight of the disc is a collection of tv spots that include a funny parody of those “I’m going to Disneyland” commercials. After watching these ads the film’s tag line BUY A BAG, GO HOME IN A BOX will be permanently tattooed into your brain.

Watch the trailer for POPCORN…if you dare!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT (1974)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0070694/

In an appropriately unusual beginning, this truly bizarre little horror film starts with a young woman named Diane Adams (Mary Woronov of Rock ‘N’ Roll High School & Eating Raoul legend!) sharing her memories of the notorious Butler mansion, a house of horrors in a small New England town with more than a few dark secrets. The Mansion’s reclusive owner, the profoundly disturbed Wilfred Butler briefly returns to the mansion on Christmas Eve 1950 after several years spent living in exile and then promptly dies in a mysterious fire.

The heir to the Butler mansion is Wilfred’s grandson Jeffrey. In December 1971 Jeffrey finally inherits the mansion and immediately decides to sell it. His big city lawyer John Carter arranges a meeting with the local city council and quickly negotiates a cash sale of $50,000. The town mayor, sheriff, switchboard operator, and newspaper publisher (John Carradine – RIP) all seem strangely desperate to purchase the Butler mansion, if only to see it burnt to the ground.

As the sale is being finalized a deranged lunatic escapes from a nearby asylum and tears a path to the mansion, hacking apart any man or beast that gets in the way. Carter and his mistress Ingrid are already at the mansion when the killer arrives, and in the film’s most memorable scene the unseen slasher violently hacks them to pieces with a hatchet inside the master bedroom. Once alone within the large dark house, the killer begins making creepy phone calls to the city council members. One by one, the madman lures the townsfolk to their doom inside the mansion. As the body count rises it becomes clear that all of the victims had a past history with their slayer.

In the middle of all this madness Jeffrey (James Patterson – RIP) shows up in town and meets Diane. He convinces her to give him a ride to the mansion to get to the bottom of things, and she hesitatingly agrees after her father (the mayor) turns up missing. As the story reaches it’s incredible conclusion the twisted secrets of the Butler family are finally unearthed, much to the viewers shock, horror, and confusion. Graphic tales of incest and murder are revealed via sepia-toned flashbacks that are quite disturbing. The odd, dreamlike quality of the film is further enhanced by the offbeat ending – which finally wraps up this extended flashback within a flashback.

I really enjoy this 1972 effort from the late great writer/director Theodore Gershundy. This murky and morbid film is one of the darkest horror flicks I’ve ever seen, both in terms of image quality and content. The combination of the grainy pitch black photography and the lurid and incredibly complicated plot gives this film an unbeatable dreamlike quality. The sepia-toned flashback scenes are incredible, eye popping stuff and provide the majority of the film’s shocks. Any nagging complaints about the pace of the film or the confusing storyline can usually be ignored after repeat viewings, and trust me – you’ll most likely need a few viewings to sort it all out.

SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT was filmed in 1972, but didn’t see a release until 1974. Sadly, the film’s star James Patterson passed away shortly after filming wrapped. Bob Clark’s 1974 classic “Black Christmas” is often called the “original” slasher film, but many people have argued (correctly, I’d say) that SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT proceeded it by a few years, and that it features more than a few elements that would later appear in Clark’s film. The frenzied POV shots of the killer in action, the creepy phone calls, and the fact that the killer is never seen are all details presented here first. How much influence, if any this film had on “Black Christmas” is debatable, but there should be no debate that SNBN is a very important old school horror film.

There’s no excuse for not checking this one out. It’s public domain, so multiple “budget” dvd companies have already released this. All of the usual suspects, including the fine folks at Diamond Entertainment, Mill Creek, Platinum, and Alpha Video have released this on dvd – either by itself or included in one of those dvd collectors sets. There seems to be some confusion as to which release is truly uncut, but I can assure you all the versions I’ve seen have ran about the same length and they all look like shit. A pristine, digitally remastered dvd print would be much appreciated. This is a true cult classic, much deserving of a larger audience.

Fans of SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT should check out this awesome tribute site, which was a big help to me for understanding exactly what in the hell was going on!

http://www.freewebs.com/silentnightbloodynight/index.htm

BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0071222

I won’t waste my time trying to explain the importance of BLACK CHRISTMAS in depth. What can be said about this all time classic, prototype slasher flick that hasn’t been said already? The obvious influence this flick had on other genre classics like “Halloween” and “When A Stranger Calls” is plainly apparent. This flick has more than a few creepy moments within its running time, and it also has one of the all time great genre endings.

The plot to BLACK CHRISTMAS is the definition of simplicity. A group of sorority sisters are harassed by disturbing phone calls and then stalked and slain by a faceless, unknown killer named “Billy” who sneaks inside their sorority house on the eve of Christmas break. Can detective John Saxon trace the calls before the killer strikes again? And what stinks in the attic?

This film is a perfect example of less is more. The less we know about the killer or his motivations, the more engrossed we can become in the suspense of the proceedings. The less we see of the deaths, the more gore we can envision in our heads. The death scenes here are all tightly edited for maximum impact. We only see the briefest glimpses of the killer in action, but everything that is shown is brutal and memorable stuff.

It’s nice to see this classic horror flick finally getting some well deserved attention thanks to both the 2006 Glen Morgan remake (which was Bob Clark approved) “Black X-Mas” and the recent special edition dvd release. All fans of the horror and slasher genres should consider this flick a must see.

You can check out the trailer for BLACK CHRISTMAS here:

CHRISTMAS EVIL (aka “Better Watch Out!” 1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0081793/

This off the wall 1980 horror film from writer/director Lewis Jackson begins on Christmas Eve, 1947. Naughty little Harry Stadling sneaks down the stairs after his bedtime and catches Santa Claus nibbling on Mommy’s Christmas cookie. Harry is horrified by the sexy sight and runs upstairs to take comfort in a little self mutilation with a broken snow globe.

We then flash forward thirty years and find little Harry (Brandon Maggart) all grown up with more then a few screws loose. He works as the manager of a toy factory and is now completely consumed by all things Christmas. He applies shaving cream to his face while staring into a mirror and hallucinates that he IS Santa Claus. He then begins to snoop and spy on the neighborhood children and rushes home to feverishly take notes about who’s been naughty and nice in his big red book.

His madness reaches a peak on Christmas Eve. Harry dresses up as Santa and delivers stolen presents to all the good little boys and girls at the local children’s hospital. He also delivers death to a few naughty adults that had done him wrong via toy soldier sword impalements and lethal toy axe head splitting! He then attempts to break into a home and gets stuck inside a chimney in the process. He awakens the family in his struggle and while the children are delighted to see Saint Nick, Mother and Father are none too pleased to find a fat jolly lunatic in their fireplace. Santa slays the Scrooge-like parents with a little help from the razor sharp star from the top of the Christmas tree and then winds up on the run from a lynch mob out for his blood.

In the incredible finale the neighborhood children form a protective ring around Santa which touches the madman’s heart and gives him enough holiday spirit to leap inside his getaway van – which magically takes off flying over the moon! The psycho Santa happily shrieks “On Dancer!” “On Prancer!” “On Donner and Vixen!” as he escapes into the night.

Legendary director and pervert John Waters not only calls CHRISTMAS EVIL “the best seasonal film of all time,” he also declares it “a true cinematic classic.” I wouldn’t go that far in praising the film, but it’s certainly a unique viewing experience. Hardly a hack em up holiday slasher, this plays out as more of a character study – exploring in depth the twisted mind state and motivations of the eventual psycho killer. Brandon Maggart (the real life father of Fiona Apple!) does a great job playing the demented lead. My only complaint is that he never comes across as menacing or scary. He plays the role so broadly, its hard to see him as anything but odd and comical.

There’s a lot more characterization (and black humor) than carnage – so hardcore gore junkies might want to look elsewhere, but I highly recommend this to people looking for an unusual holiday horror flick. Synapse Films released a beautifully remastered director’s cut of CHRISTMAS EVIL that sports several stocking stuffing bonus features including deleted scenes, audition footage, storyboards, and best of all – a commentary track with writer/director Lewis and none other than John Waters himself! Synapse always does a great job with their did releases, and this is no exception.

TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT (1980)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0086449/

This one begins “two years ago” inside the exclusive Calvin Finishing School For Girls. A Christmas vacation sorority hazing prank involving a Santa suit and an axe turns deadly when the pledge being tormented accidentally falls from the second floor (?) of the sorority house and inexplicably dies. We then flash forward two years and meet a gaggle of well off sorority sluts (including the lovely Jennifer Runyon of “Master Ninja II” and “Up The Creek” legend) who decide to stay at the school for the holiday.

The sneaky and sex starved girls plan a Christmas bash with a pack of wealthy stud fucks who arrive via private plane and land at the conveniently located neighboring airstrip. The gals dupe their dimwitted house cook into drinking drug laced milk and knock her out for the evening before settling in for a cozy night of romance with the boys. That’s when a masked killer in a Santa suit with an axe to grind decides to crash the party and spread a little holiday fear. The carols turn to corpses and the girls scream ’till dawn.

The one and only David Hess of “Last House On The Left” infamy directed this holiday horror in the proud tradition of “Halloween.” This was the first in a series of one movie that David would direct over the years. This is a very dark movie, and I don’t mean in terms of tone. Apparently there wasn’t any budget for lights as most of the movie is set in deep impenetrable blackness. The choppy editing is also sometimes unintentionally hilarious.

Alex Rebar (aka The Incredible Melting Man!) provided the script which certainly owes a debt to Bob Clark’s classic “Black Christmas.” Pretty young school girls are stalked and slain inside their dormitory over the holiday break by a murderer. Not exactly original stuff, but the wacky double-twist ending was a nice creative touch. The only major flaw is the fact the kids discover that there’s a killer in their midst about half way through the film, which makes the second half of film feel boring and sort of pointless.

The most interesting aspect of the film is easily that the killer dresses as Santa Claus – sporting both the trademark red suit and a creepy looking Santa mask. At the time, this had only been done in a horror film once before – and that was back in 1972 in the “Tales From The Crypt” movie segment “And All Through The House.” This is a considerably more bloodthirsty effort than “And All Through The House,” or “Halloween” and “Black Christmas” for that matter.

The mad slasher Santa in TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT cleaves through the student body with a vengeance and racks up an impressive body count. Fans of violent slasher flicks should certainly enjoy this, as it features plenty of stabbings, throat slittings, axe murders, skull bashing, crossbow carnage, and splashy propeller blade disembowelment. There’s an incredibly gory shower scene that has to be seen to be believed.

This one seems to have slipped into slasher obscurity which is too bad really. It’s not exactly a great movie, but I think it deserves a larger audience for sure. A proper dvd release is long overdue and would make a great Xmas present for hardcore slasher enthusiasts.

DON’T OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS (1984)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0089038/

A bit of a change of pace from the other killer Santa flicks, DON’T OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS is about a masked madman with a smoldering hatred for Christmas who goes on a holiday killing spree throughout London targeting people dressed up as the jolly old fat man. The maniac crashes a Christmas party being thrown by a pair of young lovers named Cliff and Kate and hurls a spear into the skull of Kate’s father. Edmond Purdom (Pieces) and Mark Jones (Secrets Of A Superstud) play Harris and Powell – the dumbfounded detectives in charge of the investigation. Harris himself claims to be a victim of “another Santa murder” and spends most of his time wandering around looking bored.

The killer wastes no time snuffing as many Santa impersonators as he can. His ho-ho-hoing victims are shot, stabbed, castrated (great scene!), and have their faces roasted on a open fire like chestnuts. Most of the imitation Santa’s are portrayed as drunks and perverts, and the opportunistic killer even strikes inside a peepshow! Powell eventually becomes frustrated and suspicious of his inept partner and arranges a stakeout that turns deadly when the killer shows up wielding his deadly boot knife and swiftly plants it into a cop’s crotch! Another cop attempts to wrestle the lunatic to the ground and winds up losing an eye in the process.

The killer returns to the peepshow and takes a stripper named Cherry hostage. He brings her into his basement where he keeps her captive and berates her for “selling her soul.” He also reveals the reason for his hatred of Christmas – as a wee impressionable youth he discovered his Daddy having sex with a whore while he was dressed as Santa. And then instead of seeing Mommy kissing Santa Claus he saw Santa Claus throw Mommy down a flight of stairs. The madman then vows make Cherry his “supreme sacrifice to all the EVIL that Christmas is!”

DON’T OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS was a notoriously troubled and delayed production. The dreaded duo of Dick Randall (Pieces) and Steve Minasian (Slaughter High) produced and lined up the film’s star Edmond Purdom to direct. Unfortunately Purdom proved mostly inept and a director with a background in sex films named Derek Ford was brought in to replace him. Unbelievably, this replacement director was eventually fired from the production and the editor Ray Selfe had to finish the job. It’s not surprising that the end result is more than a little uneven and confusing. Most of the characters seem to pop in and out of the film at random and more than a few plot points are unresolved. The new footage shot by Selfe includes a murder inside the famous London Dungeon wax museum and a hilarious cameo from Carloline Munro (Maniac, Slaughter High) – who shows up to belt out a fucking hideous disco number called “I’m The Warrior Of Love!”

Lovers of cheese and sleaze should certainly enjoy this often overlooked holiday horror flick that features bad dubbing, cheap looking costumes and a cringe worthy score. It’s currently available on dvd in vhs quality in several of those cheap-o 50 Movie Packs from the good folks at Mill Creek Entertainment.

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0088117/

This family favorite begins on Christmas Eve 1971. The Chapman family – Jim, his wife Ellie, and their two young sons Billy and infant Ricky are making a pilgrimage to visit Jim’s institutionalized Father. Along the way Billy asks Mommy if he can stay up to see Santa Claus but she tells him that it would be naughty to stay up past his bed time. She tells her son that Santa doesn’t bring presents to naughty children, and that Santa has a “big surprise” for him that night.

When they get to the hospital the family is saddened to find Jim’s Father in a state of catatonia. He sits in silence, dazed and staring into space. When the Doctors and Billy’s parents leave the room to discuss his Grandfather’s condition they leave Billy alone with the “harmless” old man. That’s when the twisted old fruit (played by Will Hare of Enter The Ninja legend!) suddenly snaps to life to warn Billy about the dangers of Santy Claus. He asks Billy if he’s scared, and then tells the wide eyed boy that he should be because Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the whole year. He then informs the terrified tot that Santa only brings presents to boys and girls that have been good all year – the rest he PUNISHES! When Billy sheepishly tells his Grandpa he hasn’t been good all year the mean old bastard tells Billy if he sees Santa tonight he’d better run for his life!

When the rest of the Chapman clan returns Grandpa goes back to staring into space as if nothing happened. The family leaves, and Billy promises to his Grandpa that he will be good from now on. On the long car ride home Billy reveals to his Mommy what Grandpa said about Santa Claus wanting to punish him. Mommy gets angry and calls Grandpa a “crazy old fool.” This causes Billy to gasp and warn Mommy that it’s naughty to say bad things about old people. Billy then warns his Mommy that Santa will want to punish her too.

We then meet a two bit thief in a Santa outfit. After filling up his tank at a gas station the evil impostor Santa pulls an armed robbery that ends in murder and earns him a lousy 31 dollars. Scumbag Santa’s car later breaks down and The Chapman’s have the misfortune of running into him on their way home. Jim pulls over to offer a little roadside assistance and gets a bullet in the head. Then the very bad Santa pulls Ellie out of the car so he can expose her breasts before slitting her throat. Little Billy runs away and watches all of this transpire as he hides in some bushes across the road.

We then flash forward three years and find the two boys attempting to adjust to life inside the Saint Mary’s Home For Orphaned Children. Billy has a profound hatred and fear of Christmas that gets worse every year. The sensitive Sister Margaret wants to get the boy professional help, but the domineering and abusive Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin) prefers more brutal means of keeping Billy in line. Bad little Billy gets an eyeful of sex when he sneaks a peek at a pair of orphans fucking upstairs. Mother Superior catches the kids in the act and proceeds to beat “the devils” with her large leather belt! She then turns her attention towards Billy and informs him that “when we do something naughty we must be punished. Punishment is necessary. Punishment is absolute. Punishment is good.”

Mother Superior practices what she preaches and routinely beats Billy silly and ties him to his bed at night. Her brutal methods seem to have a calming effect on the boy, but it all unravels at the big Christmas Day bash when Mother Superior attempts to force Billy to sit on Santa’s lap. Billy freaks out and unleashes a devastating left hook that knocks the jolly old fat man on his ass! Billy runs upstairs and cowers in his room, where he awaits his inevitable punishment from Mother Superior.

We then flash forward yet again, this time several years. Sensitive Sister Margaret attempts to get the now 18 year old Billy a job at the local toy store around Halloween time. The store’s ambiguously gay owner Mr. Sims is reluctant to hire an orphan but quickly changes his mind when he gets a steaming eyeful of Billy – who has grown into a big buttery slab of blonde beefcake. Billy gets a job working in the stockroom, and we spend some quality time with him as he drinks milk, smiles, and stocks the store shelves during a delightful musical montage set to the tune of a blustery blues ballad entitled “The Warm Side Of The Door.”

We first get a glimpse of Billy’s inner torment when the sight of a Santa Claus banner makes him cower with disgust. Billy begins slacking off at work and staring into space like a moon goon. He wrestles with the memories of his parent’s violent murders, which he fuses with his own repressed feelings of sexuality. Things go from bad to worse when Mr. Sims forces Billy to dress up as Santa when the original store Santa breaks his leg while ice fishing. The sight of himself in a full Santa Claus outfit is enough to drive the already disturbed young man completely insane!

At first, Billy seems like a natural in the role. No one suspects that Billy’s secret to keeping the kids that sit on his lap quiet is that he whispers threats of punishment into their little ears. Later that night the after hours Christmas party turns deadly when Billy stumbles upon an attempted rape in the stockroom. Billy stops the attempted rapist from jamming his yule log into the girl’s stockings by strangling him with Christmas lights. When the girl fails to show Santa the proper gratitude and calls Billy a crazy bastard instead he proceeds to gut her with a box cutter. Mr. Sims investigates and gets a hammer in his brain for his efforts. That leaves this one haggard old skank (her name escaped me) alone to repeatedly yell “MISTER SIMS?!?” over and over again until Billy shows up to chase her down with an axe and then put her out of her misery with a bow and arrow.

We are then introduced to Denise – a sexy and short lived babysitter played by the one and only Linnea Quigley (Return Of The Living Dead). Denise is nice enough to spend some quality time wandering around in only a pair of cutoff shorts before Billy punishes her for being such a naughty little slut by impaling her on the antlers of a mounted deer head in the living room! Billy then has a brief run in with Denise’s Van Patten-esque and apparently deaf (he was downstairs while the front door was smashed in and his girlfriend was being slaughtered and didn’t hear a thing!) boyfriend before sending him crashing through a window. His next victim is an obnoxious sled stealing bully that gets swiftly beheaded. His freshly decapitated corpse is enough to make his partner in crime to break down into tears and unleash some of the best male screams in all of horror history!

As Billy’s body count increases, sensitive Sister Margaret and the cops try to track him down. An unfortunate officer shows up at the orphanage looking for Billy and accidentally shoots a deaf old man that was playing Santa for the children. The cop apologizes to Mother Superior for the mistake and warns her that a killer is on the way. He then pads out the final reel of the film by wandering around the grounds before Billy finally slams an axe into his chest. Billy then decapitates a snowman and heads inside the orphanage for a final showdown with Mother Superior that ends with bloodshed and Billy’s little brother Ricky looking very disturbed as he mutters “Naughty” at the camera.

I am a HUGE fan of this eternally controversial 1984 effort from director Charles E. Sellier Jr. I consider this to be one of the all time great slasher flicks. Exceedingly well made and disturbing from start to finish, it manages to be both polished and sleazy at the same time. This is easily one of the most infamous horror films of all time. When originally released in December 1984 it was met by numerous protests from angry parents. Critics like Siskel & Ebert also went out of their way to crusade against the film. The end result was some originally brisk box office before the film was quickly pulled from theaters and shelved until the spring of 1985 when it was briefly rereleased. Despite, or more likely because of the controversy, the film was a financial success. The unrated vhs release proved to be a big seller, and a long running series of increasingly ridiculous and unrelated sequels followed. This “franchise” assured SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT a permanent place in horror history.

Just in time for the holidays, the good folks at Anchor Bay have decided to rerelease their fantastic unrated dvd of SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT Like their previous release (a double feature dvd with Silent Night Deadly Part II that is now sadly out of print) it includes an audio interview with the director, a still gallery, and the hilarious “Santa’s Stocking Of Outrage” that consists of the film’s many bad reviews and angry letters from parents. This is a great purchase and essential holiday viewing.

Listen to your Grandpa boy! Watch this clip:

HO! HO! HO! KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!