The first two “Amateur Porn Star Killer” movies were horrible, unwatchable pieces of crap that more people spent fast forwarding through than actually watching. Billed as “disturbing,” “frightening” and “mesmerizing” in reality they were little more than boring, self indulgent home movies. The films offered zero suspense, featured less hard core sex than the free previews available at thousands of porn websites and had no gore whatsoever. Watching one of these flicks is akin to sitting through a friend’s collection of home movies with the promise of seeing somebody getting fucked but in the end you see more of your buddy’s dick than anything else. While the sex has been amped up for this third film, it’s still just as boring and effortless as its predecessors. How hard could it possibly be to make good on a film called “Amateur Porn Star Killer?” It seems impossible for Shane Ryan, the star/producer/editor/writer/director of the “APSK” series who seems more interested in filming himself slapping trashy chick’s asses than formatting a watchable film. As with the first two flicks “Amateur Porn Star Killer 3” needs more porn, more killing and less amateur footage of Ryan filming his own cock.

Shot in the Cinema verite style popularized by “The Blair Witch Project” and “Cloverfield” the “APSK” films follow the exploits of a serial killer known only as Brandon (Shane Ryan). He picks up young women and after failing to bore the girls to death by talking to them about all kinds of bullshit he fucks them and kills them, all on video tape. For the third film Ryan follows the exact same format as the prior flicks but this time features more girls, which in turn means more boring conversation and more excuses for Ryan to videotape his favorite actor, his dick.

After sitting through uninspired and unconvincing footage of Brandon fondling, penetrating and killing three girls we’re then forced to take one of the most annoying car rides in the history of film with his latest victim. Brandon picks up Nikki (porn star Regan Reece) at a bus stop and the audience is then expected to sit though a thirty minute drive with two “actors” that have no business trying to retain anyone’s attention. The eventual pay off for enduing this plotless mess is mere seconds of blurry footage of Nikki kind of sucking Brandon’s cock. This film is a narcissistic waste of everyone’s time, especially that of the viewer. If you want to see Reece nude or getting plowed in the ass just google her name and click on one of the half million results rather than sit through this stupid mess. There are more black and white shots of empty highway than any scenes of pornography or killing in this misleading piece of shit. It’s nowhere near as hardcore or disturbing as the DVD’s packaging would like you to believe, the film fails on every level and is more or less “Hot Topic makes a snuff film.”
Outside of the fact that it features more women and more penetration than the prior 2 films I can’t think of good anything thing to say about “Amateur Porn Star Killer 3.” In a world where limitless pornography is a mere keystroke away and films like the “Guinea Pig’ series are available on mainstream websites like Amazon.com why anyone would waste their time and money on this is beyond me. And by casting Reece, a low rent Suicide Girl who’s appeared in over 50 hardcore porn flicks over the past 2 years as the main victim it seems that now the entire title of the film is pure bullshit.

1 out 10 presses of the fast forward button

For the third month in a row a classic horror film remake has hit screens across America. In January Lionsgate gave us the unexpectedly entertaining “My Bloody Valentine 3-D,” February gave us the botched abortion named “Friday the 13th” by Platinum Dunes and March bestows upon us Rogue Pictures’ take on “Last House on the Left.” I only made it through half of the trailer for the “Last House” remake before deciding I had no interest in seeing what looked like yet another heartless attempt to cash in on classic horror flick with a recognizable title. The main part of the preview that turned me off was the wince inducing, hipster piano driven remake of the Guns N’ Roses hit “Sweet Child of Mine.” I am not exaggerating when I say it’s the worst cover I’ve heard since my dad thought it was funny to sing Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” into our answering machine. Given the studio’s horrible choice in music for the preview I figured that the movie itself must be just as thoughtless and uninspired so I made a mental plan to spend my money on “Race to Witch Mountain” that week instead. But when a free screening invite popped up in my inbox who was I to turn it down? I’m glad I did too, “The Last House on the Left” ended up being a surprisingly good remake, both faithful to the original while crafting an identity all its own. It’s not a perfect movie by any means but it’s far better than I thought possible and delivers a genuinely thrilling third act.

The original “Last House on the Left” hit screens in 1972 and launched the career of horror writer/director Wes Craven who would go on to craft such iconic films as “The Hills Have Eyes,” “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and “Scream.” “Last House” is became a notorious film often referenced in the same tone as stomach churners “Cannibal Holocaust” and “I Spit on Your Grave.” It will always have a place in my cold damaged heart as the first truly fucked up movie I ever saw during a summer in middle school almost twenty years ago. I can still remember being in the video store, seeing Wes Craven’s name on the box, recalling he was the guy that did “Elm Street” and decided to pick that as my rental choice. Needles to say the film was nothing like anything I had ever seen at that point and it blew my pre-teen mind, this was not Freddy or Jason, this shit was real! Obviously I’ve gone on to see much darker and grittier corners of the horror world exposed but I’ll never forget the first time I saw “Last House on the Left.”

The basic plot of the remake is almost parallel with the ’72 original, a few changes have been made here and there but at its core this “Last House” is incredibly faithful to the original. Mari (Sara Paxton) and her parents arrive at their remote lake house deep in the woods, shortly after arriving she makes plans to visit her friend Paige (Martha MacIsaac) at the convenience store where she works. After Mari arrives, Justin (Spencer Treat Clark) approaches the counter and exchanges promises of weed for a pack of smokes. From there the three underage deviants head to Justin’s hotel room, toke up and right as it seems a threesome might breakout Justin’s dad Krug (Garret Dillahunt), and his crew arrive and break up the fun before deciding to create some of their own. The gang take the girls out to the nearby woods and commit despicable acts while forcing the disgusted, powerless Justin to watch. After enduring the cruelty Mari breaks free of her captors and attempts an escape only to end up being shot and left for dead. Carless, stuck out in the middle of the night in a powerful storm the crew of scumbags find refuge in a nearby house whose gracious couple offer them refuge from the attacks of Mother Nature. Little does the group know that their saviors are actually Mari’s parents and once they find out what happened to their daughters payback gets served up cold, well eventually it gets reheated in the microwave.

While “The Last House on the Left” remake is more graphic with its gore and violence, the more disturbing moments of sadism are toned down from the original. Sure there’s still a fairly brutal and long rape scene but the forced homosexual oral sex and pissing scenes are gone. But the biggest difference is the killer’s realization and resulting shame at the crimes they committed. In the original Wes Craven offers his villains a moment of clarity in which they become disgusted with their own actions and some even go so far as attempt to cleanse themselves of what they’ve done. In Director Dennis Iliadis vision of “Last House” outside of the victimized Justin none of the crew feels an ounce of remorse for what they took part in. Which was probably a conscious decision on the sophomore director’s part, after all I doubt you’d want to feel any pity for those bastards once Mari’s parents start inflicting their own brand of justice.

There are several memorable moments in “Last House” but the highlight of the film is easily Garret Dillahunt’s portrayal of Krug. Dillahunt proved himself as one of the best working character actors by playing two entirely different yet pivotal roles in HBO’s “Deadwood,” with most viewers never realizing he was the same actor. From there he went on to appear on several major yet crappier shows including “ER,” “Numb3rs” and “The Sarah Connor Chronicles.” Dillahunt carries the film, its entire structure rests on the believability of the cruelty Krug is capable of and Dillahunt delivers. But instead of going overboard with the bad guy persona he manages to make the rapist murderer something unexpected, he makes Krug slightly charming. The rest of the cast give surprisingly great performances which helps to create a far better film than I had expected.
The cinematography was spot on as well as the mood setting score, there were some pacing issues here and there but it’s ultimately a strong first American film from this Greek Director. Even though convenient occurrences such as the storm, single car family and the untimely arrival of Krug’s kill crew are the driving force behind the plot the script is respectful of the original film and builds upon the framework created by Craven and manages to find its own voice. My biggest complaint about “Last House” isn’t with the movie itself but with whatever morons put together the trailer. I’m glad I didn’t see the whole preview the first time, because once I saw it after viewing the film I realized that they gave away every single damn moment in the flick, from beginning to end. Well, at least that shitty “Sweet Child of Mine” cover doesn’t show up in the actual film, but come on people why the hell are you giving away the last few minutes of the film in the freaking trailer? But again this is no fault of the film just the visionless hacks that put the trailer together. While it may not be better than the original this interpretation of “Last House on the Left” is better than “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Friday the 13th” remakes combined.

7 out of 10 Soiled Panties

Director Jay Lee sat down with our own Tyler Shainline to explain how an artsy, independent filmmaker interested in exploring existentialism came to make a horror flick entitled Zombie Strippers. Sure it was to finally make money off a film, but there was more to it than just the payday, there’s a message hidden behind those big fake tits covered in blood, a message of girl power!

Tyler Shainline: I’m here with Jay Lee talking about his newest film Zombie Strippers. It’s a great title for a surprisingly fun movie, where did the idea come from?

Jay Lee: My sister and I have a production that does meaningful independent films, we were in Sundance and all of that but we weren’t making the best living at it. So we decided to make a marketing move and do a horror movie. It was a very shamelessly marketable film. We were hitting all the stereotypes, hitting all of the proper scenes, we were basically just making a product to sell. I made a joke, “At least we’re not making a movie called Zombie Strippers.” It got a laugh, I looked up Zombie Strippers to see if anyone had done it yet and I was very surprised to see that nobody had. I thought why not do it, the title will sell itself, it’ll be marketable and over the top but at the same time hide all that messages and sub text we were doing with our other independent films. Do what we want to do, sell it and hopefully make a career at it.

Tyler: is it true that the plot of Zombie Strippers is loosely based of absurdist playwright Eugene Ionesco’s 1959 play Rhinoceros?

Jay: Yeah, because the term Zombie Strippers and the concept is so absurd is why I went to the absurd existentialist to get more ideas. Rhinoceros seemed to be the closest parallel to the statement I wanted to make with Zombie Strippers that’s why I used the basic plot of Rhinoceros. Just having fun with it myself I named Ian after Ionesco and Rhino’s the strip club, a few other characters are referenced, that’s just me keeping myself busy during the writing process. Rhinoceros was definitely the source I went to the most to develop my own ideas and to go from there.

Tyler: Rhinoceros was Ionesco’s response to the fascist times following World War 2, is Zombie Strippers your response to G. W. Bush’s fascist regime?

Jay: It’s not necessarily about the term fascism but more about the conformity of people in the country. At least fifty percent of this country just conformed to what this guy was saying and believing it. I would say that that the Bush Administration was a fairly brutal regime and so many people were able to just ignore it. The basis of Rhinoceros was that there is all this brutality going on and everyone was just ignoring it and just letting it happen and eventually it destroyed the town in the play. That was my statement with Zombie Strippers was that people seem to be ignoring what’s going on and accepting it as if it were the norm suddenly. With the film I also wanted to give an American twist to it and put the capitalism in it, not only can you ignore the brutality but you can also make a buck off it.

Tyler: There are a lot of clear potshots at the outgoing administration, did Sony have any problem with that leftist slant being in the film?

Jay: Actually no they didn’t, which was great! Although there were a few scenes along with some of Ian’s dialogue that were cut out because Sony found it kind of offense. It was a play on how racist and ignorant people are, it was like over the top South Park humor. A couple of the hardcore political statements were cut out unfortunately, including Paco’s more noble comment about being an immigrant in this country, but they’re all on the extended scenes on the DVD. You can see the original intent of the political statement I wanted to make, it was kind of shaved down but it defiantly wasn’t eliminated completely.

Tyler: Speaking of Paco, Joey Medina was hilarious in that role and a definite highlight of Zombie Strippers. Where did you find him at?

Jay: Out producing partners have a management company that works with a lot of standup comedians they were the ones that knew Joey would be perfect for this. He had not read the script and when I met him and we were right in the middle of casting, we were weeks away from shooting and I was very stressed out. Joey didn’t find me funny, he said I was a little stale and cold and he wasn’t sure how the script could be funny if I wrote it. But then he read it and he really loved the script, the more we worked together the more fun we had. Joey actually added a lot to the film, he was constantly bringing more and more into it, improving ideas he had for what he wanted to do with Paco.

Tyler: He was great, his scene with the donkey had me laughing ass off, no pun intended.

Jay: Yeah, I have to give Joey credit for the donkey, but the rest of the scene was mine. He was the one who wanted a donkey in there and I have to thank Joey for that because it’s one of the biggest laughs we get in the film.

Tyler: With Zombie Strippers originally being made independently how did you manage to get Jenna Jameson attached to the project?

Jay: My sister, Angela Lee was the original Producer when Zombie Strippers was a tiny independent film. I had seen a DVD that had Jenna on the cover but she was only in the film for like five or ten minutes. I was thinking that she was the perfect person to go to that could help us sell this, or at least help us get the money for it. If people are using her on the cover of the DVDs when she’s such a minor character in the film then she must bear some weight. The part was defiantly catered towards her, I’d like to say it was written for her but that wasn’t the case because we never thought we’d actually get Jenna Jameson. But then Angela just chiseled away at “the machine” and eventually got the script Jenna. It wasn’t easy, it took awhile but as soon as Jenna read the script she got back to us and said it had everything she wanted to do in it. It had horror, she wants to be a scream queen but it also had the humor, she’s a very funny woman and she loved the political content. I had one phone conversation with her about throwing the hypocrisy of society in their face, and she said that’s what she’s all about and she said she’d do it. A few months later Sony Pictures heard about Zombie Strippers starring Jenna Jameson and dollar signs went off in their eyes and they picked up the film.

Tyler: Her sharp sense of humor genuinely comes through in the film. I’m more familiar with Jenna’s pornography work which doesn’t really allow her much in the way of showing off her funny side. I was really surprised to see how funny she can be.

Jay: Me too, especially in the editing room, I’d be watching her performances and every time I would see something new. There are so many tiny details to her performance; she’s really funny and into parodying herself. She was having such a great time doing it that it really comes across as authentic. So many people look at Jenna Jameson as an ex-porn star but there’s just so much more to her. There was never a moment during filming that she wasn’t in on the joke with us. She got everything about it which is why he was able to deliver.

Tyler: I believe the horror film with Jenna on the cover but on a few minutes on screen that you mentioned was titled Evilbreed. I remember being disappointed by the lack of screen time in the film and I was expecting a similar role for her in Zombie Strippers. But she’s on camera for an abundance of the film’s runtime, which is great because it really gave her a chance to prove herself and in turn changed my perspective of her.

Jay: I hope it does that for a lot of people, I want them to realize that Jenna Jameson is actually not only an American icon but a force to be reckoned with. She is probably one of the most talented people I’ve ever met in my life, she seems to be able to do almost anything. She just needs to get past the last ten years of what she’s done and prove herself to society at large. She has no regrets about what she did, I’m really hoping that people are willing to embrace her for what she is, a remarkable talent and she has so much to offer to the arts community too.

Tyler: I think that this may be the starting point for that turn in her career. How did you go about casting the rest of the Zombie Strippers?

Jay: There were two we actively went after, Jennifer Holland and Roxy Saint. Those were two we had meetings with when were still an independent film and asked if they’d consider doing a role. The entire “Z-Squad” is the cast of the other horror movie we did, The Slaughter. Those people busted their asses for a week on that shoot and they worked for free. So when Zombie Strippers came around I wrote those parts for them so they would have another role and be able to move up to a studio film. Shamron who plays Jeannie, she came and read for Kat, it was little bit darker but we liked her presence so we had her read for Jeannie and never looked again for anybody else. Penny Drake who plays Sox, she actually worked for free for a day on our last film and when were finally affiliated with Sony we were able to have some castings and Whitney Anderson and Jeannette Sousa nailed their roles.

Tyler: Outside of Jameson had any of the girls stripped before?

Jay: It was the first time for all of them, we didn’t cast any strippers, only actors. Instead of having a choreographer work with the girls we had each of them do their own thing. Roxy Saint’s a rock star so I just said be Roxy Saint onstage, it was a mix of her dark brooding performance and her crazy over the top head snapping one. We let Shamron do her thing, she used a little bit of direction as in the dance needed to be a little bit desperate as opposed to fun. Jennifer had a pole at her house so she was working on her performance. Penny Drake put a strip pole up in her apartment and was working on it for months. She had the most moves and she’s six feet tall as it so it’s a crazy visual watching her do her pole tricks because you had to stand back about ten feet so you wouldn’t get hit by her stripper shoes.

Tyler: Zombie strippers is a major departure from your feature directorial debut, the conspiracy film Noon Blue Apples. I caught it at the Another Hole in the Head film festival a few years back and I remember being surprised to see Montel Williams show up in a role. How did that connection come about?

Jay: At the time, my sister Angela was working with Montel. He read the script, liked the concept and he got himself involved in it. A lot of people don’t know this about Montel but he was top level spy when he was in the Navy, he was a cryptographer on a submarine. He not only knows a lot of that conspiracy stuff but I think he believes it too.

Tyler: You’ve mentioned your second feature The Slaughter a few times, besides getting a portion of the cast for Zombie Strippers from it where their any memorable moments on that shoot?

Jay: That’s the shamelessly marketable film that we did when we needed to sell something for our production company to get a sale under our belt. After Noon Blue Apples didn’t sell immediately after Sundance we needed a sale to prove to the people that we were working with that we can sell a movie. We shot for a week with twenty five thousand dollars it ended up being a blast. Everybody involved kinda of has a soft spot in their hearts for that film, we were trying to make an intentionally bad horror movie by parodying horror movies. The people who got the joke, seemed to have a really good time with it.

Tyler: Besides all the great nudity in the film there’s an abundance of brilliant crafted gore to be found as well. The effects were far beyond what I was expecting from a film entitled Zombie Strippers.

Jay: Patrick Magee did all the makeup effects, we worked with him on The Slaughter. A friend of a friend came up with his business card, we met him and we saw his website and we were blown away by it. We asked if he took credit cards, he did so we blew half of our budget for The Slaughter right there but never regretted it. We always intended to use him for Zombie Strippers.

Tyler: Any concern that the title Zombie Strippers might turn some people off from watching the film?

Jay: Here’s the thing, the audience we made the film for are going to watch a movie called Zombie Strippers. The people who are cautious of something with this title are not going to enjoy the film. If you read a lot of the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, a lot of these people are going into the film just to hate it for what it is. They hate the fact that these schlocky horrible over the top trashy films are being made, just for the sake of hating them. Which is fine, we knew we were going to get that, the film is an offensive piece of trash. That’s what we made. But there’s a huge audience that can appreciate that and it’s not just thirteen year old boys sitting in their basement. An amount of highbrow filmgoers love the exploitation, grindhouse films and the fact that these bad films exist just as a social statement. I’ve spent a lot of time with the community of filmmakers here in L.A. at The New Beverly and Dead Channels up in San Francisco and they are very intelligent filmmakers and they love films like this. It was more about thinking of the people who would enjoy and appreciate this film and try and ignore the people who would not get this film. I mean after all its called Zombie Strippers.

Tyler: To be honest, that title was what perked my intrest in the project inn the first place and I never expected to enjoy the movie as much as I did.

Jay: There is a large percentage of the film elite who are going to have to hate Zombie Strippers just to keep their tenure in the film reviewing community. That’s something we had to ignore and just make the film we wanted to make for the audience we wanted to show it to.

Tyler: I’ve watched Zombie Strippers with two different groups of friends and both times the women in the audience seemed to like it just as much as the men, but for different reasons entirely. They claimed to see an underlying theme of female empowerment throughout the flick, was this intentional?

Jay: Actually, it was. I was trying to make a low budget film called Twelve Weeks it was about single women who found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. It was the film that was closet to my heart but I was never able to do it, so I used a lot of that in Zombie Strippers. That’s why I show the women as flawed and weak and making the choice about giving in to this. I didn’t want to make too much of a statement about the irreversibility about plastic surgery and the cult of beauty because I knew that some of our actresses are unfortunately very, very deep in to that process. There was one review I read of it online that called “Zombie Strippers” a feminist masterpiece which was very flattering.

Tyler: What’s Jay Lee working on now? Now that you’ve gotten your payday are you headed back to artsy independent films or has horror sunk it’s claws into you?

Jay: We’re kind of knee deep in the horror world, that’s what I think we’re going to peruse right now. We do have interest in a few projects, one of which is a horror comedy that takes place at a convention involving scream queens. Unfortunately with the past writers strike and the upcoming actor’s strike not a lot is happing in town when it comes to the studios. So we’re going back to some of the lower budget stuff we have, we’ve been talking to independent investors so we’re going to be going back to the exploitation well. We don’t want to top Zombie Strippers, we just want to do another film with different aspects of the horror genre. The one we think we will be done with by the end of the year is about snuff films, so its really dark and really disturbing. Sort of the opposite of what we did with Zombie Strippers.

Tyler: So what’s the chance of a sequel to Zombie Strippers?

Jay: Here’s the deal, due to the political statement of the film we wanted to get it out while the politics were still relevant. While it did get a theatrical release I think the politics will be relevant for only five days from when the DVD hits. The deal we did with Sony to get Zombie Strippers made basically had us give up all our rights to the movie. We said sure, here the movie’s yours we just want to get the thing made. So everything is dependant upon Sony. The unfortunate thing about studios these days is that there isn’t a whole lot of filmmaking going on. It’s more about number crunching than anything. So Sony will plug their numbers into their formulas and if it comes out favorable they will make a film. There doesn’t seem to be anyone interested in the films or their messages, its all about the numbers. So we’ll see how big of a hit the DVD is and if the numbers make sense then they might be interested in making a sequel. And if they want to include us in then great, I have an idea I’d love to do so hopefully sometime soon I’ll be able to sit down with Sony and talk to them about it.

Zombie Strippers has everything packed into its ninety four minute runtime that the title implies. It’s got copious amounts of great gore, enough big beautiful breasts to make Christina Applegate break down in tears, icons from the worlds of horror and porn, plus legitimately funny comedy. What more could a viewer want? Well, maybe a cohesive plot, convincing actors and a general sense of direction that doesn’t include ham fisted, obnoxiously redundant and outdated political satire so basic that it would make Mark Russell wince. Then again, anyone who picks up a film with the moniker Zombie Strippers expecting to see anything besides tits, ass and blood is lamer than this film’s attempt at political satire. Surprisingly enough, mixed in with the nipple rings, devoured genitalia and jabs at the outgoing Bush Administration (does he even have keys to the White House at this point?) is a surprisingly deft underlying feminist theme. Hidden behind blood drenched double d silicone implants of course.

In the near future G.W. is entering his fourth consecutive term in office when a secret government agency accidentally unleashes a chemical virus that reanimates the dead. Unlike most zombie causing toxins, this one reacts differently depending upon your gender. Men instantly go full zombie while women retain their identity and sanity all while gaining zombie related powers like super strength, agility and the nagging need to rip the flesh from the bones of the living a devour it. A team of Marines fail to isolate and contain the virus when one their own gets infected and escapes into the Rhino strip club. The first stripper to get infected is the club’s top girl Kat (Jenna Jameson) and after her initial zombified trip to the pole drives the audience into a frenzy all the girls want to “upgrade” to zombie status. Once word gets out that there’s something “special” about the dancers at the Rhino, attendance soars. Since the virus allows the girls to maintain their grip on humanity, they keep working; the only problem is that the patrons they’ve been feeding off return to life as mindless flesh craving zombies. The club’s owner Ian (Robert Englund) realizes the potential cash to be made and locks up the reanimated corpses of his former cliental in basement downstairs. Everything at the Rhino goes tits up though when Kat’s archnemisis Jeannie (Shamron Moore) attempts to out do the club’s top earner and inadvertently sets all the male zombies free for a fleshy climax that simply begs for a sequel.

Far too often a film with a handle as outrageous as Zombie Strippers”fails to make good on the promises made by their eye catching title and box art. There are two important factors that assist in making Zombie Strippers one of the rare films that actually exceeds title related expectations. The first and most important is Patrick Magee, one of the best effects creators emerging onto the horror scene today. The other is a cast of women who are actually willing to take of their clothes in front of the camera and remain nude for extended periods of time. Usually these exploitative films simply had some schmuck slap a great title onto a shit film and then the parties responsible simply shrug their shoulders when the actual product fails to resemble the film’s title in any way shape or form. But with Magee’s horrifically brilliant prosthetic effects mixed with some passable CGI work the zombie part of Zombie Strippers is effectively covered. The latter part is more than taken care of by a bevy of bloody beauties that seem more than happy to show off what god and Dr. 90210 gave them. To be fair though, outside of Jameson none of the women involved had ever pole danced before appearing in this film and it shows. You’re not going to find any spectacular stripper moves occurring onstage in Zombie Strippers. It’s mostly the standard gyrating, swinging around the pole and kind of flopping around on the floor like a sexually rambunctious fish out of water that one sees from most women that haven’t spent their lives picking up dollar bills nude while attempting to maintain some sort of dignity. But hey, at least they get naked every chance they get which is more than I can say for many actresses who take on stripper roles. Jessica Alba, these extended middle fingers are directed at you.

At its core, Zombie Strippers is a horror comedy and for all intensive purposes it succeeds on several levels. Sure it falls flat on its face when it tries to make any sort of political commentary, but the scenes featuring the custodian Paco (Carlos Medina) and Madame Blavatski (Carmit Levite) are amongst some of the funniest things I’ve seen this year. When Blavatski says goodbye to Paco with a, “Vaya con Ronnie James Dios” I damn near shit myself I was laughing so hard and it’s now become my favorite way to tell somebody adios. Even Jameson is funny in this flick, her timing is dead on and after her performance I would gladly watch her in a comedic film where she keeps her clothes on. Englund does a fine job as well, even if he simply does the over animated corny shtick he’s been doing for years since his Freddy job became somebody else’s nightmare.

Even though it’s by no means a smart film, Zombie Strippers does have an air of awareness and complexity not often found in the genre. I watched the film a few times with different groups of friends and both times the women who I expected to be harsh critics of the film enjoyed the hell out of it. While they guys that I watched it with dug the gore and boobies the women honed in on a pro feminism theme that completely went over our heads. In hindsight I recognize it but at the time I was transfixed but the pendulous bosoms on display and heads being ripped open like Pez dispensers. Get together with some friends that would enjoy a flick entitled Zombie Strippers, get your drink on, order a pizza and enjoy the nipple infused carnage.

7 out of 10 unexpected donkey sightings

REC is one of the best horror films I’ve ever seen, it is terrifying, fast paced and refuses to adhere to many of the clichés that plague modern horror. Sure, there’s several telegraphed jump scares here and there, but they never felt forced or out of place. Actually, the fact that in the back of your mind you knew it was going to happen just improves the overall sense of dread that runs rampant through the film. I’ve been watching fright flicks since I was a child, weaned by my mother on Alien, John Carpenter’s The Thing and anything else I could get my tiny hands on. From there I’ve spent the majority of my thirty plus years watching every horror film I can get my eyes in front of and it’s extremely rare that any movie ever scares me. I’m not saying this to sound like a badass, but to express how desensitized I am to “scary movies.” That being said REC scared the fucking shit out of me. I was up until two or three in the morning following my initial viewings (I watched it twice, back to back) convinced that every creak of the ceiling or neighbor’s cat was one of the zombies breaking into my house. Thank god I don’t live in an apartment complex or I may have ended up shooting one of my neighbors in the face.

REC is a Spanish film that premiered overseas in late 2007. While it is filmed in the increasingly popular faux cinema verite style popularized by recent horror films like Cloverfield, Diary of the Dead and The Blair Witch Project it is miles beyond those films in both quality and substance. The plot centers on Angela (Manuela Velasco) a Spanish reporter and her cameraman Pablo who are doing a ride along with local firemen for the news show While You Were Sleeping. Angela and Pablo travel with a fire truck responding to a call from an apartment building where an elderly woman needs assistance. Pablo and Angela follow three Barcelona policemen and a fireman into the old woman’s apartment, they find her standing covered in blood and shaking from head to toe. Within seconds she is on top of one of the officers and proceeds to rip apart his neck with her bare teeth. One of the other cops pumps her full of bullets as everybody else makes a break for it back downstairs, dragging the injured along behind them. One of the other officers decides to find a faster way down and falls through the center of the spiral staircase to the ground level where he is gravely wounded.

The remaining policeman and fireman attempt to gather the other residents and get everyone to exit the building. The only problem is, that while they were upstairs with the old woman city officials had all of the building’s doors locked and giant tarps have been deployed that coat the entire building. Everyone is informed by a bullhorn amplified voice outside that the building has been placed under quarantine and that if anyone attempts to escape the building that they will be dealt with severally. In an attempt to try and waste some time and possibly embellish this news story that Angela has unwittingly become a part of, she and Pablo proceed to interview several of the residents on camera. We come to find out that one of the resident’s young daughter is sick and feverish awaiting medicine that cannot be delivered by her father who is trapped outside. A health inspector wearing a hazmat suit is allowed entrance into the building for the purpose of taking a blood sample from all the inhabitants to see if the infection can be isolated. While examining the two wounded officers they spring back to life and at that point everyone realizes that this is on ordinary type of infection. The only choice the people have is to either attempt escape and be gunned down like dogs or remain inside and be feasted upon like cattle.

I would love to go into deeper explanation for REC and explain the relevance of the sick child or the locked penthouse but in doing so I would be doing both the film and you, a future viewer of it a great disservice. REC is a film best viewed with little or no knowledge of the way it unfolds, the scares are incredibly legitimate and there is some truly chilling cinematography on display in this eighty five minute long modern masterpiece. Comparisons to other fake documentary movies like Diary or Blair Witch are impossible to avoid but in the end REC has far more in common with 28 Days Later or the excellent yet overlooked Mulberry Street. The only parallels between REC and other movies like Cloverfield is the fact that its shot on a handheld camera, everything else about it feels fresh and shockingly new.

REC is the best movie I’ve SEEN this year and had been granted an American release in theaters or on DVD it would have been hands down my pick for favorite movie of the year. But apparently whatever American distributor picked up the rights to it is waiting until after the American remake comes out this month to unleash it upon us with a proper release. It’s a shame that many people will never see REC due to the tainting of it by its connection to the horrible looking remake being shat out by the hackmeisters over at Screen Gems.

REC is among the top tier of horror movies and deserves a proper release and should be seen by anyone remotely interested in sitting through Quarantine. It is absolutely terrifying and I guarantee you the horrible scream like howls these creatures emit will haunt you for weeks. To be fair the film does have one glaring fault; it doesn’t necessarily hurt the film but the plot begins to unravel towards the end when the survivors enter “overexplanationland” as the filmmakers attempt to explain how the outbreak occurs. An explanation was totally unnecessary but it’s only for a few short moments towards and incredibly satisfying ending which wraps the film up perfectly. I was lucky enough to stumble across this film under a friend’s recommendation, I highly recommend anyone with a region free DVD player to order a copy of this online immediately and those that don’t find a way to see this film. I’m not saying that anyone should go to google and type in the words “REC” “Spain” and “download” but I bet if you did one could find it easily enough. I watched it twice last night and I wish I hadn’t lent my copy out today so I could give it a third viewing right now.

10 out of 10 crappy ass Screen Gem remakes

Sid Haig was at the excellent Horror/Sci-Fi convention From the Land Beyond in Sacramento this past weekend and was kind enough to talk to Horror Yearbook’s Tyler Shainline about his bid for president, the status of Galaxy of Terror on DVD and his upcoming projects.

Tyler Shainline: After becoming an iconic genre actor by starring in tons of films including Spiderbaby, House of 1000 Corpses, Galaxy of Terror and The Devil’s Rejects you’re running for president?

Sid Haig: Yes I am and I’m serious too. And every day that McCain and Obama open their mouths is a better day for me.

Tyler: How so?

Sid: They’re self destructing, they’re going back on their words, and they’re waffling back and forth on things. After the debate last night McCain in particular is showing that he’s a complete hawk because he’s saying we should suspend all spending except for in the military, come on! None of them have a plan to get us out of any trouble whatsoever. This financial crisis that we’re in, they want to create a 7 hundred billion dollar buy out. Every officer and every board member of every one of those companies belongs in jail. They knew they were breaking the law when they wrote those loans and now they want the American public to bail them out?! Not on my watch.

Tyler: Meanwhile these scumbags are going to get bailed out and still pay off all their shareholders.

Sid: Right! You know that we’re borrowing money from China. Right now we are only paying the interest on those loans which is 4 hundred billion dollars a year. If somebody decides to pull the plug on us we would be owned by a foreign nation. You better get a real appreciation for noodles.

Tyler: Well, with years I’ve spent being poor and finding new ways to make Top Ramen into meals, I think I might be more prepared for this eventuality than most.

Sid: That’s where we’re going and it’s not cool at all. I won’t put up with it. We are the only industrialized nation in the world that does not take care of its elderly. That’s a sad indictment and it’s just not acceptable. The only reason we don’t have a flat tax is because what multi-millionaire or billionaire would donate money to a political campaign for a candidate that would force him to pay his fair share of taxes?

Tyler and Sid in unison: NOBODY!

Sid: Flat taxes, no deals for corporations, no deals for non-profit corporations. You’ve had the free lunches long enough. It’s over, it’s time to deal.

Tyler: All excellent points that we don’t hear either of the candidates making. How do you propose to fix these problems once elected to office?

Sid: By being a whiny baby like Wonald Wegan, I will veto every bill that comes across my desk until I get what I want.

Tyler: What does a vote for Sid Haig mean for horror fans?

Sis: It means a lot! Horror fans don’t realize how much power they have in this country. “They” don’t like horror fans because we wear black, we have tattoos, we pierce our bodies, we watch weird movies but we contribute almost a billion dollars a year to the economy. A billion dollars a year is a billion dollars, you have to pay attention to that. We have more power than we realize. That’s what I’m here for; I’m here to make people aware of just how much power they have and how they can use it.

Tyler: Well Sid, here is your chance to announce who your dream running mate would be. Who is Sid Haig’s nomination for Vice President?

Sid: You know there was a big conjecture about Hillary Clinton being the first female president and Obama being the first black president. How about Whoopi Goldberg?

Tyler: Both sides of the coin right there!

Sid: Bam! I hit ‘em both. These guys are stupid!

Tyler: Plus you’d secure the coveted Star Trek vote!

Sid: And I’d get to be on The View.

Tyler: Now that’ we’ve got your campaign figured out there’s another question plaguing me. Why isn’t Galaxy of Terror available on DVD?

Sid: (Sighs) Ok, I hear rumors that we’re getting closer and closer, THIS is more difficult than balancing the budget, just to get this stinking DVD out into the marketplace. There are bogus bootlegs out there.

Tyler: Yeah, but I want my Special Edition Two-Disc set!

Sid: We’re getting closer to that and hopefully we’ll make it happen. I’m supposed to be participating in a documentary about Roger Corman. So I’m going to corner them and say, let’s do it this because everyone wants it.

Tyler: Please, get that ball rolling!

Sid: It was a hell of a film, the special effects were amazing and it was a great cast. Edward Albert, Robert Englund, Ray Walston, Grace Zabriskie, Erin Moran…

Tyler: Yeah, the Joanie Love Chachi fanbase alone should more than warrant this release. So in addition to securing the presidency what else is Sid Haig working on these days?

Sid: I’m not working on anything right now outside of doing commentaries for a couple of DVDs I’m involved in. The Legend series at Universal, I’m one of the guys doing the commentary for The Wolf Man.

Tyler: How did you get involved with that project?

Sid: I was one of the last people to work with Lon Chaney Jr., so I’m looking forward to that.

Tyler: What’s the status of Rob Zombie’s The Haunted World of El Superbeasto animated film?

Sid: At some point in time it will get released, if it ever gets through being made. He’s been working on it for three years at this point every third guy in Hollywood is in this film, and more and more people are getting involved all the time.

Tyler: Well Sid, you can count on my ballot containing your name. Sorry Mitt Romney, I’m switching my vote to HAIG in 2008!

Be sure to check out www.sidhaig.com for up to the minute info regarding horror’s favorite new politician!

Also Click Here to vote for Sid Haig in our Presidential Poll

At this point poking fun at Uwe Boll and his collection of shitty films is akin to making fun of President Bush or kicking the arm braces out from under some palsy kid. It’s just too easy, so why bother. Boll has spent the last five years cementing his place in film history as the Ed Wood of this generation. He makes crap films based off of lower tier video games such as House of the Dead, BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark and by taking advantage of German tax shelters his films rarely lose money. I suppose I should be upfront and admit that I’m a bit of a fan of Boll; admittedly it’s of his “Fuck You” attitude towards the generic Hollywood machine then his films. But I’ve picked up every single DVD he’s put out in the states and I’ve enjoyed all the shit he’s smeared across celluloid since appearing in American markets back in 2003. Sure the enjoyment I’ve experienced is in the “so bad it’s good” vein which is why I was surprised that I truly enjoyed his latest flick Seed with slightly less irony than I expected.

Seed is the title character of Boll’s latest film; he’s the most notorious serial killer ever, racking up 666 kills in 6 months. After his eventual capture Seed is immediately sent to the electric chair, unfortunately the one regularly used by the prison is out for repair so they have to rely on one with a poor track record. Seed survives two back-to-back jolts and rather than attempt a third, the police declare him dead and burry him alive. Naturally he escapes his unceremonious send off and returns to slaughter the cops that attempted to give him a dirt nap.

After six critically lamented flicks Seed is the first time in five years that Boll has made a film that wasn’t spawned from a video game. Boll himself crafted this story entirely and while Seed steals plot devices from Texas Chainsaw Massacre to Shocker it punctuates each theft with such gory gusto that it’s hard for a horror fan not enjoy themselves. The film starts of with a warning about scenes of animal cruelty and then opens on Seed watching a TV showing footage of animal torture. The scene is totally unnecessary and is probably worth fast forwarding past, it’s a ham fisted attempt at sensationalism and is best ignored. Besides, why watch it when there is plenty of better gore scenes that actually pertain to the movie itself?

In addition to a wonderful bit of violence following a gang of cops attempt at non-consensual sodomy on Seed himself there’s a great five minute long scene later in the film featuring the killer “playing” with a victim. The scene is several minutes long and doesn’t feature a single cut whatsoever. That’s not counting the multiple whacks Seed takes at his helpless victim’s head with an axe. It’s a bit unsettling and features more CGI that I normally prefer but in the end it will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the more gruesome film moments of the last several years.

Seed was filmed back-to-back with Boll’s disappointingly average Postal and at times it really shows. Sets, costumes and actors are recycled from his other film, and while it doesn’t hurt Seed it’s defiantly noticeable. One of the more glaring instances is his reuse of German actor Ralf Moeller; a six and half foot tall freak that looks like Ron Perlman’s cousin from the providence of Gigantia. Moeller’s most recognizable as the huge German Hammacher in Beerfest, that along with roles in various barbarian films is fine for him but having him play a regular cop is bad casting with hilarious results. Every time he sits in a chair it brings back memories of Lily Tomlin’s Edith Ann, the dude is freaking huge and he talks like Mengele with a mouthful of Jew bones. He simply wasn’t right for the part and Boll should have shelled out a few more bucks for a better actor, or at least someone who can enunciate.

In the end Seed was better than I had hoped, it’s not a great film by any means, but it is the best movie Boll’s made so far. Besides, how often does one get to see a starved baby die and decay through then lens of a lime lapse camera? Plus the DVD release includes Criticized, the best short film I can remember seeing in years. I caught it at a festival a few years back and I’ve been hoping to see it’s eventual release ever since. Boll had nothing to do with this short, and while it deals with a filmmaker getting revenge on a harsh critic its inclusion is a bit unexpected yet very appreciated and worth the price of admission alone.

6 out of 10 Crushed Puppy Skulls

First and foremost it should be made known that this Death Race has almost nothing to do with the 1975 Roger Corman produced classic. Other than a handful of character names, the film’s title and the fact that there are cars involved there is little connecting this remake to the original. Truthfully, this race has more in common with video games like Mario Kart and Twisted Metal than it does with the black comedy it’s supposed to be a remake of. The original film was a hilarious commentary on the downward spiral of American culture where human life added up to little more than points on a scoreboard. This version of Death Race is more about cool people looking awesome while CGI effects occur all around them. Corman’s Race is a hilarious romp filled with outrageous car designs and over the top carnage. This Death Race courtesy of renowned hack Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil, AVP, etc.) is stupid, pointless, heavy on the effects and nu metal soundtrack and light on plot or character development. In the end as retarded as it is, Anderson’s Death Race is a fun ride that is the poster boy for unapologetic mindless summer drivel. It may not be good, but damn its fun.

Death Race 2000 took place in a colorful future where gaudily glad contestants earned points for running down innocent civilians during a cross country race. This Death Race has a handful of uncharismatic prisoners identifiable only by their skin color trying to win five races in order to get set free. Whereas the original flick took place across the entire country this time around the race occurs within a self contained island with no innocents available to be used to generate a socore, just the finish line. All of the action and those involved are watched over by the ruthless Warden Hennessey. Unbeknownst to the general public the beloved masked driver Frankenstein was killed during a fiery finish in what was his fourth win. Fearing viewers would fail to tune in if they knew Frankie was dead Hennessey has former race car driver Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) framed for the murder of his wife. A few months later he ends up in her prison where she tells him that the only way that he will ever see his daughter again is if he takes over the mask and becomes the new Frankenstein. Of course he agrees (otherwise the movie would be over) and for the remaining hour of film time Statham does what he does best, drive fast, drop appropriate one liners and be an all around bad ass until the film’s obvious ending.

Every single one of the drivers opposite Statham’s Frankenstein is a stereotypical version of whatever race or creed they might align themselves with. Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson) is the black bad guy who says things like “‘fo ‘sho,” and “that is wack!” 14k (Robin Shou) is the Asian bad guy who he says things in subtitles, Hector Grimm (Robert LaSardo) is the Mexican bad guy who calls people “ese” and “puta” and so on. Sure there are other white guys besides Frankenstein but they’re broken down by region, there’s the Nazi, the white trash hillbilly, etc. There is absolutely no character development in the flick whatsoever which is a real shame considering the waste of talent available at Paul Anderson’s fingertips. Why bother casting Ian (Deadwood) McShane in the part of Coach if all you’re going to do is have him say bullshit lines like “What is he doing?” and “I hope you know what you’re doing.” He’s a great character actor that’s wasted on a limp role, the least Anderson could have done was let him call somebody a cocksucker.

The cars in Death Race 2000 were works of art that carried on the charismatic vision of the drivers themselves and looked like adult versions of the cars from Hanna Barbara’s Wacky Races. Calamity Jane drove a car shaped like a bull complete with sharpened horns on the front. Machine-Gun Joe Viterbo’s garb and his car reflected his mobster persona, Matilda the Hun and Herman the German drove around in a Nazi themed ride. Basically every character’s car was designed with the driver’s identity in mind. In this remake ever car looks alike, metal wielded to metal on top of more metal, other than the size of the automobile, little on the exterior distinguishes it from the others. But to be fair the cars (and their drivers) expire so fast that it doesn’t even matter, attention is given much more to what the rides look like while they’re exploding than to what they looked like intact.

This movie was not made for fans of Death Race 2000 it was made for fans of The Fast and the Furious and video games where driving over glowing circles arms your car with weapons or shields. There is not one original moment to be found in Death Race but with the constant barrage of explosions, popping heads and crushed limbs most movie goers will fail to notice. Given the rabid, unexpected applause that punctuated many of the death scenes during the screening I attended I doubt that more than a handful of the audience members even knew it was a remake. If you’re looking for a thought provoking commentary on the downward trend of American entertainment, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for a mindless, fun unregrettable waste of 89 minutes, strap on your seat belts and enjoy the ride. Paul W.S. Anderson might still be one of the worst working filmmakers on the planet but at least this time around he made a shitty film that entertains and yes Death Race is far better than the 2002 remake of Rollerball.

6 out of 10 Statistic spouting stuttering simpletons

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army isn’t just the most exciting, interesting and all around engaging movie of the summer, so far it’s also the best thing I’ve seen in the theater all year. To say that Hellboy 2 is the best movie of the summer is a severe understatement. A more accurate description would be to say that Hellboy 2 uses its right hand of doom to bitchslap the entire summer line up of 2008 into submission. It has the heart and intelligence that was completely missing from Wanted, it’s got better fights than The Incredible Hulk, it’s overflowing with the humor that’s missing from The Dark Knight and has better special effects than Iron Man and Hancock combined. Plus its not Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Metamucil or that shitfest known as Speed Racer that alone is a huge checkmark in the plus column. Simply put, if you don’t get off you lazy butt this weekend to go see Hellboy 2 in the theaters you must be an asshole who hates anything great. I hope you enjoy sitting through Meet Dave and your second viewing of You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army is the follow up to the 2004 original featuring characters and storylines from the excellent award winning comic book by Mike Mignolia. It’s a bit surprising that Universal decided to make a sequel to the first Hellboy considering the film failed to cover its budget during its domestic theatrical run and finally earned back some of its money through a successful DVD release. But thank god somebody at the studio had the balls to green light this picture, because I can truly say that the cinematic world would be poorer without it. With films like Pan’s Labyrinth and The Devil’s Backbone under his belt Writer/Director Guillermo del Toro had already proven that he is an amazingly talented filmmaker but Hellboy 2 is a showcase of a master deeply in tune with his craft.

For those that failed to see the original film, Hellboy is a demon that snuck his way to earth through a portal to hell opened by the Nazis turning the end of World War 2. When he first stepped into our dimension Hellboy was a small demon child around 8 or 10 years old, shortly after his arrival he was found by a group of allied troops including Professor Trevor Bruttenholm who would go on to raise the aptly dubbed Hellboy into adulthood. From there Hellboy goes on to be a major member of The Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense (the B.P.R.D.) fighting all kinds of nasty demons and supernatural beings alongside firestarter Liz Sherman and Abe Sapien the merman.

In Hellboy 2 the trio is joined by Johann Kraus a disembodied spirit who uses his psychic abilities and gaseous appearance to fight evil. Together the quartet team up to fight against Price Nuada a member of ancient and forgotten reality that is planning to use the Golden Army of giant unbeatable clockwork knights to wipe the stain of humanity from the face of the earth. As great as the battles between the B.P.R.D. and Kraus are, the highlight of the film is easily the scene in the Troll market. The collection of unusual creatures existing in the metaphysical flea market is simply staggering, almost demanding repeat viewing just to see all the amazing monsters proudly on display in every frame. The sheer multitude makes the beloved cantina and Jabba place scenes from the “Star Wars” trilogy look like an episode of “Sesame Street.” On top of that there are some amazing moments with a hungry flock of tooth fairies and a brilliant jaw dropping fight between Hellboy and a forest god that’s well over seven stories tall. In my entire life I have never seen a film that looks as good as Hellboy 2, with it del Toro has rasied the bar of fantasy filmmaking tenfold.

The first Hellboy movie was way too long and featured a startlingly limited amount of creatures for Hellboy to do battle with. While the film’s length was a slight problem the flick’s greatest offense was the creation of John Myers, a new useless human character that never appeared in the comic book. He is essentially the Jar-Jar Binks of the cinematic Hellboy universe. Del Toro used him to waste an enormous amount of the first film’s runtime on the boring love triangle between himself, Liz and Hellboy. With Hellboy 2 del Toro learned from his previous mistake and eliminates the Myers character in the first ten minutes and wastes little time on the love affair between Red and Ms. Sherman. Del Toro wisely decided to fill this flick with wall to wall action and less on the lovey-dovey bullshit. To be fair there are a few moments spent on the various romances between the multiple characters in the flick. But with the exception of an inebriated session of commiseration between Abe and H.B. it rarely stops the flow of the movie as it did in the first flick.

My only real beef with Hellboy 2 would have to be the overuse of Doug Jones who in addition to playing the role of Abe Sapien also appears as two other creatures in this movie. Jones was a former mime and does most of his acting with his hands and is easily identifiable in any role because he always comes across as one of those douche bags you want to punch in the face at Fisherman’s Wharf. He is seriously overrated and is usually more distracting in the scenes he appears in than actually enjoyable. I was secretly hoping to see Abe get torn in half so we wouldn’t be subjected to Mr. Jones’ “spirit fingers” and “jazz hands” in “Hellboy 3.” Besides that unavoidable annoyance Hellboy 2 only has one other minor speed bump, it’s the first scene of the film and it features an adolescent Hellboy speaking with a dubbed voice that could put most Godzilla movies to shame. But besides that I had a hard time finding any faults with this picture. It’s entertaining as hell (no pun intended), has impeccable special effects that combine the best features of prosthetic work and CGI and has genuinely funny moments that punctuate the enthralling action scenes. Plus it has a cripple goblin that has to use a makeshift wheelchair to get around! What more do you need? Now get up off your ass and go see it!

10 out of 10 talking baby tumors

Tyler Shainline

“The Incredible Hulk” smashes away all the painful memories attached to Ang Lee’s hopelessly melodramatic take on the Jade Giant and continues to uphold the mark of excellence created by Marvel Studios “Iron Man.” Where the 2003 film featured a Hulk that was a lumbering baby faced loser with daddy issues, the 2008 flick showcases an energetic, angry Hulk smashing his way through anything and everyone that gets in his way. Another thing that distances this new take on the Hulk from the prior shitfest is the appearance of an actual villain. In the last film he faced off against “hulked out” dogs and Banner’s father who was kind of an amalgamation of the classic Hulk foes Zzzax and The Absorbing Man. This time around he’s actually got a great villain to face off against in Tim Roth’s portrayal of Emil Blonsky AKA The Abomination. Basically, this is the Hulk movie fans have been waiting their entire lives for.

If you don’t know the story behind The Hulk, then welcome to earth and enjoy your stay. He’s one of the five or six comic book heroes that pretty much everyone knows the origin of, so I won’t waste time recounting it here, Google “Hulk” if you’re still confused. Recognizing this fact screenwriter Zak Penn and director Louis Leterrier take the Hulk’s origin storyline that made up the bulk of the 2003 film and cram it into a five minute montage that plays behind the opening credits. This is a genius move that frees the film from the confines of forced storytelling at allows the movie to move along at break neck pace. When the film opens Banner’s already the Hulk and he’s hiding out in Brazil working in a bottling factory attempting to not allow the locals to see his “dark side.” This is not a sequel or a reimagining, “The Incredible Hulk” behaves just as any fan of the comic would, it ignores the prior film’s existence completely.

Eventually Banner slips up and General Ross traces the mistake back to Bruce’s location and arrives on his doorstep with a bunch of military men including the aforementioned Blonsky. They chase Banner through the shanty towns of Rio de Janeiro and after attempting to corner him in the bottling plant they unwittingly unleash his alter ego. This is one of the best parts of “The Incredible Hulk” most of the battle occurs in the dark with the Hulk reaching out and attacking his oppressors like a monster in the night. He grabs full grown men and drags them into the darkness leaving behind only their screams of terror to acknowledge they ever existed in the first place. Banner ultimately escapes but not before offering Blonsky a glimpse at the creature Banner has become.

Blonsky demands to know just what the hell it was they were up against and General Ross explains that the Hulk was created inside Banner after a project they were working on together with Ross’ daughter Betty went horribly wrong. That venture is referred to as “The Super Soldier Project.” While that phrase means little to the average viewer, comic fans will immediately recognize it as the project that would eventually create the Marvel comics character Captain America. Blonsky immediately sees the chance to regain his lost youth and energy and nominates himself to be the next test subject for the newly finalized version of the super-soldier serum. The next time Blonsky and the Hulk meet up, it’s a different battle altogether. While he’s yet to mutate into the Hulk sized creature appropriately named “The Abomination” he’s still able to give the Hulk a decent fight.

Almost all of the actors in “The Incredible Hulk” bring their A game to the table for this film. Norton is perfectly cast as Bruce Banner, a somewhat milquetoast scientist that has had his entire world turned upside down. William Hurt is excellent as “Thunderbolt” Ross an Army Man torn between his daughter and his Ahabesque quest for his “green whale.” Hurt gives a believable performance on par with Jeff Bridges’ surprisingly adapt take on Obadiah Stane in “Iron Man.” Probably the best bit of casting was putting Tim Blake Nelson in the role of Samuel Sterns, a scientist attempting to free Banner of his curse. Just as in his scenes in “O Brother Where Art Thou?” and an episode of the ill fated “Stella” Nelson utilizes his terrific sense of comedic timing to elevate all the scenes he appears in. Plus, his character’s name should be more than a bit familiar to any Hulk fans in the audience and he puts himself in the “lead” for the choice of the sequel’s villain. The only truly terrible acting on display is from the main person everyone’s expecting it from, Liv Tyler. This comes as no surprise considering she has never once given any sort of a meaningful performance in her life. Her scenes in “Lord of the Rings” exist to give audience members the “high sign” to make a run for the toilet. Truth be told anyone could have played the role of Betty and it wouldn’t have had any real impact on the final product. This time around the filmmakers know that they’re making a movie about the Hulk and not some painfully long art house play about gay cowboys eating pudding.

This is the Hulk movie fans wanted to see when “Brokeback Mountain” director Lee took his 138 minute long shit in theaters five years ago. The CGI effects are miles beyond the poorly made ’03 version, particularly the scene featuring Betty comforting the Hulk inside a rain drenched cavern. But even in the unforgiving light of day during the Hulk’s first encounter with the new improved Blonsky he still looks good. The Abomination on the other hand could have used a little more work, especially his character design in general which lacks any real definition or interesting features. The scene where Blonsky finally transforms into the creature is poorly edited and rather anticlimactic; it feels like there were parts of the film that were missing. But that being said his fight with the Hulk at the end of the film in the middle of Harlem is simply phenomenal.

“The Incredible Hulk” has far more in common with the original 70′s television show than it does with Ang Lee’s forgettable version. Nods to the series include appearances by Lou Ferrigno, the deceased Bill Bixby, letters addressed to “David” Banner and even the original iconic piano theme song. Of course no Marvel film would be complete with out a cameo by Hulk co-creator Stan “The Man” Lee and even Robert Downey Jr. shows up as Tony Stark. Add to that mentions of S.H.E.I.L.D. and weapons proudly displaying Stark Industries logos and you’ve got yourself a fanboy’s wet dream. From stretchy purple pants to hearing the Jade Giant actually say “Hulk Smash!” it’s all in there. Along with “Iron Man,” “The Incredible Hulk” makes up for every shitty Marvel comic movie I’ve ever sat through. Both “Fantastic Four” films, “Ghost Rider,” “Elektra” and the last “Spider-Man” and “X-Men” bombs feel like distant memories. For the first time in this fanboy’s life it’s great to be both a Marvel Comics zombie and a movie fan.

9 out of 10 Thunderbolt Ross moustaches

Read all of Tyler Shainline’s articles and reviews in his Archives

Over the past twenty years Director and Screenwriter Stuart Gordon’s name has become synonymous with cosmic horror author H.P. Lovecraft. While Gordon has been involved with no less than four Lovecraft projects over the years he also wrote the story for “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” and created guilty pleasures like “Robot Jox” and “Space Truckers.”

More recently though Gordon has found himself branching out and crafting tales based less upon supernatural horror but more the horrific actions one human being will do to another. This is best shown in Gordon’s most recent film “Stuck” that’s not only his best film since “Re-Animator” but one of the best films of the year.

Tyler Shainline- I’m sad to say that I did not receive the screener for “Stuck” before this scheduled interview took place so tell me about the film.

Stuart Gordon- Its based on a true story that took place in Fort Worth in 2001. The story’s about a woman who is a caregiver at a senior citizen home who goes out partying and hits a homeless man with her car. He literally goes though the car’s windshield, so half his body is in the car with her and his legs are on the hood. She panics and instead of taking him to the emergency room she puts him in her garage while the man is still alive Do you remember this?

TS- I do, it was a rather shocking piece of news.

Gordon- It was one of those stories that was in the front page of the newspapers for weeks. I kept thinking about it, what would make a woman do something like this? And that was why I decided to make a movie out of it.

TS- Does “Stuck” follow the more serious tone you’ve set up with your recent work?

Gordon- It takes place in the real world, it’s not a fantasy, it’s not like a Lovecraft movie or anything. As I said, it’s based on a true story so it’s much more realistic than the other films I’ve done.

TS- How closely does “Stuck” mirror the actual events that took place in 2001?

Gordon- Its pretty close, I would say the first half of it is very, very close and then we took a few liberties with the way things went down. In the second half we really let our imaginations run wild.

TS- I see you placed Mena Suvari in the lead role of “Stuck.” You worked with her previously in “Edmond” and you seem to reuse a lot of actors in your projects.
Gordon- My background is in the theater and I used to have a reparatory company and when you find actors whose work you admire and you’re on the same wavelength you want to hang onto them for as long as you can. I had such great time working with Mena on “Edmond” that she contacted after she read the script and said she really wanted to do this. So I said that’s great let’s go.

TS- Your next project after Stuck was an episode of the upcoming NBC horror anthology show, “Fear Itself,” when does the episode air and what’s it about?

Gordon- I’m not certain exactly when the air date is but I think it’s the end of this month, maybe July. It’s the story about a rookie cop and they bring a serial killer to her police station and she has to spend the night watching over him. But he gets loose and he’s a cannibal, its pretty intense hour of television. Is should tell you that the rookie cop is played by Elizabeth Moss from the series “Madmen,” she’s a terrific actress, I’ve been very lucky to work with some wonderful actresses lately.

TS- Is this the first time you’ve worked with her?

Gordon- Yeah it is, she can be part of the repertory company too.

TS- With all your film and television work do you still find time for the theater?

Gordon- I haven’t done any theater in awhile. I was rehearsing with some friends in a production, just kind of for the hell of it. But I would like to get back into the theater. You develop some sort of an addiction to it.

TS- I consider your Masters of Horror Episode “The Black Cat” to be the best offering of the show’s twenty six episode run. How did working on “Fear Itself” differ from the episodes you shot for “Masters?”

Gordon- Well, it’s different that it’s on network television which means there’s commercials. One of the cool things about being on Showtime was that it was an hour, uninterrupted. One of the problems of television is that you gotta keep stopping and starting and how do you keep and maintain the tension over that period of time? But I think that the script was very well done.

TS- Did you find yourself adding “hooks” before the commercial breaks to encourage the viewers to stay tuned?

Gordon- Yeah, I kind of ended each section with a cliffhanger so that people would be there to see what happened next.

TS- Were there additional scenes filmed featuring nudity and gore for a possible DVD release of your episode?

Gordon- Yeah, that will be coming out later form Lionsgate.

TS- Are their plans to include a commentary with you and other goodies?

Gordon- Yeah, I’m sure they’ll do that.

TS- With the exception of your TV projects the majority of your work seems to be less and less horror related and more edgy drama. Was this a conscious decision to move away from horror?

Gordon- No, I think that they’re all horrifying in their own way. As I get older I find that the things people do to each other are far scarier than anything we can dream up.

TS- A prime example of this would be how in “King of the Ants” you turned Norm (George Wendt) from “Cheers” into a violent, sadistic psycho.

Gordon- (Laughs) Yeah. His wife, when she saw the movie she said “I don’t know who you are anymore.” (Laughs) What’s really funny is that it was George Wendt who brought me the project. He had met the writer, Charlie Higson and he had been given a copy of the book. He gave it to me and said “If you like this it I’ll option it” George was sort of the moving force behind that movie.

TS- You’ve made everything from Sci-Fi flicks to blood soaked horror to straight forward family films. What is it that draws you to a project?

Gordon- I think its all about the story for me. I like stories where you don’t know what’s going to happen next, or it takes you to a place that you’re not expecting to go.

TS- You’re probably best know for making “Re-Animator” which spawned two sequels without your involvement, whey didn’t you helm those films?

Gordon- A couple of reasons. One was that I was doing something else at the time those projects went into production and the other thing is that I really like doing new things. Going back and revisiting old, told stories is not as interesting to me as something fresh.

TS- But at the same time I’ve seen your name attached to the upcoming sequel “House of Re-Animator.”

Gordon- Yeah, yeah I was hoping that would happen but it doesn’t look like it is unfortunately.

TS- That’s a damn shame, the concept sounded great, with William H. Macy as an evil reanimated President of the United States.

Gordon- I know! It seemed like “how could you resist this” but unfortunately I think I scared people the wrong way. People are afraid of upsetting the Bush administration

TS- But that would be a great thing to do!

Gordon- I think so too. I’m with you but financiers are much more cautious and conservative. So you’re kind of at their mercy unfortunately.

TS- When will “Stuck” be in theaters?

Gordon- It’s opening on Friday (June 5th) in twenty different cites.

TS- Is there a DVD release announced yet?

Gordon- I know they’re talking about a DVD release I believe in October and Blockbuster is going to be doing a thing where they’re going to have DVD extras that are only available at Blockbuster, which is an interesting concept.

TS- Has there been any reaction from the people involved in the actual events that inspired “Stuck?”

Gordon- When Stephen Rea was in Dallas he ran into the son of the man that was hit. He came to see the movie and afterwards Stephen talked to him and he said that he had a feeling that the son was trying to learn more about what had happened to his father.

TS- Did the son express any opinion about the way the character based off his father was portrayed in the film?

Gordon- I don’t know because I was not there. But Stephen suggested that he was kind of looking for more about his father because he didn’t know him very well.

TS- This was the first time you’ve worked with Stephen Rea correct?

Gordon- It was and I had a great time with him, what a terrific actor he is.

TS- Is he going to be another member of the repertory company?

Gordon- Yeah, he can join up anytime. He went through hell, literally. At one point he said “look, the real guy was in the windshield for three days, I’ve been in it for three weeks.” He really paid his dues here.

TS- Are there any other upcoming projects that haven’t been announced yet?

Gordon- I’m actually going to do another Lovecraft. I’m doing “The Thing on the Doorstep” which starts shooting in the fall.

TS- Any casting news for that one?

Gordon- Oh we’re in the midst of casting now but we can’t say anything yet because we’re still waiting to hear back from various people.

TS- Speaking of Lovecraft, there are some purists that claim you make his works more extreme with sex and violence than the original stories really were.

Gordon- Well, I don’t think you can get too much more extreme than Lovecraft really was. I think the thing about movies is that you have to be more explicit. Lovecraft was able to leave more to the imagination, but when you’re doing a movie you’re dealing with a visual medium and so you’ve got to show more.

TS- Mr. Gordon you’re one of my all time favorite directors, thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. I look forward to finding the screener for “Stuck” in my mailbox soon.

Gordon- Yeah! Watch the movie; you’ll have to let me know what you think. It’s been a pleasure talking to you, take care.

Read all of Tyler Shainline’s articles and reviews in his Archives

]]>