1. Virus
2. Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell
3. Sex Crime of the Century
4. Lobotomized
5. There comes a time in every childs life when they need to be BLUDGEONED
6. Self Cannibalization
7. 1-800-POO-PSEX

[Editor's Note: 1-800-POO-PSEX - LMAO!]

To most, this twenty minute fistfukk would be considered ‘anti-music’. To me its like a drug. Well over twenty years ago it all started. The blasphemous strains of the BLACK SABBATH album ‘Paranoid’ (via my Mother’s newly discovered vinyl collection) scared the living HELL out of me and my brother and truly changed my life. From that period on music was life’s blood for me. In jr. high school I discovered shit like early Maiden, W.A.S.P., etc. Eventually that intro’d me to METALLICA and it was over Johnny. I fell DEEP into the otherworldly sonic armageddon of THRASH METAL which, of course, lead me to DEATH METAL in the late 80s. I’ve come full circle now, I love all kinds of music, but METAL will always be my true love…and as corny and goofball as this may sound…it still flows through my viens! Which brings me to the point of this passage…you just keep searching for something more extreme, faster, scarier, more graphic.

This one man band (Adam McGuire) vomited out this mini CD of extremity for the underground to crank and enjoy…and enjoy I do. First off, the production of this fukker is very very BASS heavy…its fuckin SKULL MELTING! love it. Various tempos snake around filth drenched riffs, demon-like programmed beats, and a vast array of vokills that will make any pets you have in the room shit on the floor. And yeah, this fella performs this stuff live!

Although technically this is seven songs, its actually one track, on a 3 inch CD. I haven’t seen one of these babies since POSSESSION sent me one back in my print ‘zine days. This ain’t for many, but for those select few who can appreciate extreme art…you’ll dig it.

-7 songs/20 minutes
-RECORDED/EDITED: All by Adam McGuire
December ’06
Mastered by Psycho Matthias

Available now/soon at both:

MORGUE HOUSE RECORDS (US)

VALLEY OF DEATH RECORDS (UK)

-This PRESSED miniCD collaborates over 3-4 years of songwriting and playing live.

Here is the video for ‘VIRUS’…

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

“Black Winter” is the second offering of creeping hellfire from the Nevada thrashers BLASPHEMOUS CREATION. Picking up in fine fashion where the debut “Rest in Pieces” left off, this is more heavily German influenced blackthrash with a slightly elevated black metal stance than before.

I would still call it frenzied old school thrash though. Jackhammer drums that mostly thrash (a few blasts appear) are in a constant battle with swirling riffs of the face melting variety that ride atop a tempo and structure that is constantly speedy and full of twisting and turning. Ghostly solos that sound like they were lifted from an old SODOM rehearsal make an appearance throughout this 21 minute hellfukk.

The vocals of Fleshgrinder are inhuman shrieks that belch forth like a warning of irreversible armaggedon…I like how during the course of the disc his delivery of pitch black death hangs on at the end of many vocal lines and very suddenly drops into a death metal vocal range before coming to an abrupt stop.

Like I said before, I detect more of a black metal influence here but with numerous listens I think its mostly due to the more trebly production when compared to ‘rest in pieces’. That one was more bass and reverb-laden, this one concentrates on more of the high end and the mids.

If ya dig shit the original German Thrash scene (and extreme 80′s thrash in general) you can’t go wrong with BLASPHEMOUS CREATION!

BLASPHEMOUS CREATION MySpace

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

“Nobody wanted to listen when we said this was for real, sold our souls to horror and then sealed the deal. You laughed in our faces and really pissed us off. Now BLOOD FREAK is still killing while you die weak and soft. We melt horror DVD’s into liquid and shoot it into our veins. We are socially retarded and completely insane! In the toxic tomb we all rot away watching horror 24 hours a day. Our drive-in METAL is what its all about. We go for the kill – we go for the grossout!”

That passage from the track “Go for the Grossout’ from BLOOD FREAK’S “Multiplex Massacre” album pretty much sums up this blast of thrashing horror slashing METAL quite nicely. BLOOD FREAK, the duo of Maniac Neil Smith (guitars/bass/drums/vocals) and Billy Nocera (lyrics/concepts) have unleashed yet another mindblowing album right on the heals of the last BLOOD FREAK album “Live Fast, Die Young…”, a record which in turn, quickly followed the last FRIGHTMARE monster “Bringing Back the Bloodshed” (a beyond monumental album of limbthrashing brilliance).

If you happened to have read my reviews of the previously mentioned albums you’ll know my strong feelings of intense worship of said records. ‘multiplex massacre’ looks to be no different. Its amazing the amount of extreme metal bands that populate the underground who offer nothing but boring music. There is alot of talent no doubt, but the craft forged in the 80′s by the early thrash and death metal bands is all but lost on many bands today.

Not any band Neil Smith has fronted though! What can be said that I haven’t said before? The haunted, stinking shrieking corpse of old thrash and long forgotten VHS tape haunts anything this very talented maniac touches and the final result is nothing short of brain melting. If Stevo from IMPETIGO calls you the most talented fella in the undeground you have to take notice! Cheers and horns Neil!

1. The Theme From Multiplex Massacre
2. Cleavage Cleaver
3. Rocktober Blood
4. Go For The Grossout
5. Body By Death
6. If You Have The Guts…He Wants Them!
7. Lady Lunatic
8. Aerobicide
9. Don’t Metal With Satan
10. Poultry Pervert
11. Thrills, Chills, and Blood Spills
12. Roadkillers
13. Savage Streets

“Multiplex Massacre” continues much in the same style as “Live Fast…” but seems to be more condensed/focused a bit. The riffs are NEVER boring. The solos are well placed and emotional slashers, some of them actually sound like bloodrenched screams, other times like an outtake from an old unreleased Judas Priest demo from the late 1970′s. Drumming is total old school…brutal snare punishment the classic way with a great sound. In other words the kit doesn’t sound like a precise typewriter, it sounds like fucking drums in a fucking metal band! The tempos are well balanced and overall this is mid-tempo to blast pretty much the whole way (minus the cool intro/outro, the intro sounds like a Fulci score). And yeah, the blast parts remain focused and precise with the guitars/bass/drums/vocals always equally audible. Neil’s vocals have truly become scary-good. Inhuman noises that will scare and puzzle most unknowing sheep.

Visually, this album is wonderful (although the cover for the previous “Live Fast…” will probably never be topped IMO). This cover is great though, a stark b/w collage of horror weirdos, monsters, acid dropping satan, and even a tit. Ordering this direct from razorbackrecords.com will also get you a cool print of expanded artwork (see pic above).

Billy Nocera penned about half of the lyrics on “Multiplex Massacre,” and they are pure genius! Funny and disturbing at the same time. I intro’d this review with a passage of his…here’s another from the thrasher “Roadkillers.” “nobody gives a fuck so its time to quit, your band is a joke, on your corpses we’ll spit”…”retardification was the first to go, it wasn’t fast, it was painful and slow. next up was ensuckment, they went down hard. mucoule gutted the the singer, a fashion-queen retard!” Those are great lyrics!

I’m telling you right now people, Razorback Records is where Relapse Records was in the early 90′s…releasing a new breed of underground horror via bands that are full of exciting drive and vision with a strong grasp on the past architects of metal and the outsiders of extreme cinema and art in general, and this album is another fine addition to the list of the Razorback attack. Don’t miss it!

Stay tuned for an interview with Maniac Neil very soon!

razorbackrecords.com
slashermetal.com/bloodfreak
www.myspace.com/insane4blood
www.myspace.com/gobbleguts

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

If any of you remember my review of Frightmare’s latest album “Bringing Back the Bloodshed” you’ll no doubt remember how I gushed over it like a schoolgirl. That album really got me back into the underground metal scene as far as writing goes.

After doing a ‘zine for half of the 90′s (the latter half) I became very burnt out on bands either trying to sound like EMPEROR or the mostly snore inducing Swedish Thrash movement of the mid to late 1990′s.

On a whim I purchased the afformentioned FRIGHTMARE album from the godly RAZORBACK RECORDS and my whole view on the scene changed. My only problem at the time was I really wanted to snag the debut FRIGHTMARE album “Midnight Murder Mania” but it was out of print.

A few months go by, I create a FRIGHTMARE fan page on myspace. One day I get a request from TORTURE GARDEN, I check out the page and see they are a true underground label and are offering up a beautiful 12 inch vinyl version of “Midnight Murder Mania!” And it was only 9 dollars! FUCK, I couldn’t get my cash out fast enough, I threw a ten in an envelope and exactly a week later I get a package back.

What a wonderful piece of underground art we have here. A thick jacket with the insanely groovy cover art greets you. The inner sleeve is on heavy glossy stock with more killer art and liner notes. Inside the sleeve is a HEAVY slab of ORANGE/YELLOW swirled wax…fucking awesome. To round out the package you get some neat FRIGHTMARE/TORTURE GARDEN buttons and in fine, old-school underground tradition, fliers and stickers. A feast for the senses for 9 dollars, you can’t go wrong here…and I haven’t even mentioned the music.

The experience of listening/experiencing metal on vinyl is a wonderful thing…of course the music is the centerpiece, but being able to hold a large visual, literally seeing the notes carved into a piece of wax…its a physical act which is lost on digital files and largly diminished on the CD format. Yes, I’m an old bastard who is stuck in the 80′s. fuck it.

When compared to the music on “Bringing Back the Bloodshed’ the hymns on “Midnight Murder Mania” are more chaotic and raw but the undeniable stench of old thrash completely haunts the album from beginning to end. This fucker is damn near as good as BBB! Like Razorback Records said…”this is veritable orgy of blood-slashing horror”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Maniac Neil is a METAL GOD. A genius living among us…music overflowing with a love of old thrash and 70′s/80′s slasher films presented in a death/grind format…fanfuckingtastic.

- Cropsy
- Midnight Murder Mania
- Thorn In Their Side (The – Slumber Party Massacre)
- Friday The 13th
- Slasher Holocaust
- The Prowler
- Be My Bloody Valentine
- Black Christmas
- The Ripper
- Frank Zito, The Maniac
- Devilock

Stay tuned for the new BLOODFREAK!!!

go to myspace.com/TortureGardenPictures to order this now.

if you haven’t already, go to razorbackrecords.com and get “Bringing Back the Bloodshed” as well.

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

I’m sure those who purchased this album on it’s official release date are much like me. We just wanted the new fucking songs! Yeah, Ronnie is back with Sabbath for the time being for a tour and this collection of highlights (thats up for argument) from the four albums these chaps released together…”Heaven and Hell”, “Mob Rules”, “Live Evil”, and “Dehumanizer”. Check out my previous review (HERE) for a word on those first two milestones of Metal albums.

Before I get to the new tracks let me say that these songs sound amazing. I just listened to heaven and mob last nite on vinyl and I gotta say that this digital remaster did something to these songs…seems to be more weight…a fuller sound…just what kind of fucking tweaking is going on here? No matter, all the tracks sound killer and the track listing is no real surprise although they left out a fav of mine “The Sign of the Southern Cross” from “Mob Rules”, and the absence of “Time Machine” from 1992′s “Dehumanizer” is a bit puzzling since it was by far the most well-known track from that album…maybe thats part of the reason it wasn’t include here, as that album is very underrated.

The 3 tracks included here from that album drive that point home, great stuff that stands up well against the master classics from ten years prior. Only one song is included from “Live Evil” but they picked a mindfukker, the excellent “Children of the Sea”. For me, this live version is even better, more lively, that the studio version from “Heaven and Hell”, Ronnie gives the performance of a lifetime on this song. Alright, the new shit. First up is “The Devil Cried’. Pure vintage all the way. Everything you would expect. A crawling number with massive riffs, thunderous drums/bass and fucking proof that Ronnie James Dio hasn’t lost a thing! This guy is not human.

The next new one “Shadow of the Wind” is not only a killer song but stands up among the best this band has ever written. I’m not kidding…everything about this song is pure mastery. Tony’s guitarwork on this track is both heavy as fuck with a simple main riff that shakes yer insides and also melodic over the chorus, and I’m telling you what, contains one of his best solos to date! The standout yet again though is Ronnie, what a display of vocal genius here, every breath, every word, perfect. The last new song “Ear in the Wall” closes out the album nicely. This one is more upbeat comparable to “Neon Knights” of “The Mob Rules”. Again, nothing negative to report here…and this song has a majestic chorus that makes the hairs stand up. Overall, this is a no-brainer for any Metal or hard rock fan, and I only paid ten bucks for it, so fucking get this already!

As a final note the packaging for this CD was quite surprising, not the cover…its pretty basic (although the embossed slipcase is a nice touch) but what should have been on the cover is on the inside…most of one side of the foldout has awesome original artwork by Wes Benscoter (see above!). I’ve been a fan of his work for many years via the numerous album covers he has done for many Death Metal bands, most noteably for me, MORTICIAN. Who would’ve thunk he’d be doing a major part of the layout of a BLACK SABBATH album? Not I. The other side of the foldout has a lengthy history of the band. Instead of this (which most buying this are already gonna know) I would have liked to see some rare photos. The background of the CD tray does have a cool, old live pic, but the fucking round series of prongs that holds the CD off the surface of the tray nearly completely obscures Ronnie! How could you fuck that up? Despite these minor bitches, this is well worthy of adding to your collection.

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

I’m sure most of you into Metal already know about the reunion of Sabbath with with the fucking godly Mr. Ronnie James Dio.

They played a sold out show in NYC (Radio City Music Hall) a couple days ago. And the sellout was in MINUTES. 6000 tickets for a band that hasn’t played together in 15 years. By all accounts the show was pure magic…Mr. Dio sounds better than ever fronting the heaviest band on this planet. The tour will continue…check out heavenandhelllive.com for the latest dates/news regarding this tour.

Along with the tour is the release of ‘Heaven and Hell The DIO years’ on April 3. It contains highlights of the recorded work the band did in the early 80s and three new songs! As of this writing I’ve heard two of em…and let me tell you, its vintage SABBATH that will give you the shivers, its great stuff! I will review the album further when I venture out to get it tomorrow.

In celebration of the reunion I’m spinning my vinyl copies of ‘Heaven and Hell’ and ‘Mob Rules’.

Side A:

Neon Knights
Children Of The Sea
Lady Evil
Heaven & Hell

Side B:
Wishing Well
Die Young
Walk Away
Lonely Is The Word

‘Heaven and Hell’. Before I say a word about this album I want to touch upon the debate regarding the various Sabbath vocalists….it will always rage, of course the one between Dio and Osbourne creating a neverending firestorm of debate. Bottom line for me…they are both very different singers, technically, Ronnie is a far superior vocalist with spot on range all over the place…always powerful, soul-filled perfection for the most part. However, Ozzy has an emotion filled style that sounds like NOTHING else then or now. I fucking LOVE him just as much as DIO but both (along with ROB HALFORD) are pillars of the formation of HEAVY METAL as we know it. ‘heaven and hell’ is eight songs of metal magic. The classics ‘neon nights’, ‘heaven and hell’, ‘lady evil’ along with the more cult ‘walk away’ the epic ‘lonely is the word’ and my personal favorite of the album ‘children of the sea’, which still stirs the emotions in me to this day every time I hear it. Simply a classic album all must own. Tony’s guitar work is fucking spectacular on this album. And did I mention the Ronnie fucking slays. hell yeah. Get it on vinyl if ya can find it…spin the black circle!

On now to the album these fellas released a year later in 1981 ‘mob rules’.

Side A:

Turn Up The Night
Voodoo
The Sign Of The Southern Cross
E5150
The Mob Rules

Side B
Country Girl
Slipping Away
Falling Off The Edge Of The World
Over & Over

This album (which was recorded in Los Angeles) starts off with the high energy ‘turn up the night’ that collapses into the groove-laden ‘voodoo’ that contains haunting vocal passages by Dio. Track 3 ‘the sign of the southern cross’ is quite possibly my favorite Dio era Sabbath track…an epic journey of acoustic to MASSIVE FUCKING RIFFS under the superior, otherworldy lyrics and vocals of RJD…goddamned rules all! You want doom, listen to this track and CRY. A goofy interlude track intros the title track…another awesome song with exploding riffs/solos…this song is simple and very effective with very catchy vocal lines and solos galore. great fun. Time to flip this slab over… ‘Country Girl’ is another doomy number complete with some harmonized vocals…it is during this track you can see the solid performance of drummer Vinny Appice…very heavy and yet places finesse fills at the blink of an eye. ‘slipping away’..more epic brilliance, check out the quick bass solo by Geezer! ‘falling off the edge of the world’ starts out soft with haunting vocals over acoustic guitars that erupt into a doom march only to launch into a mid-tempo melodic rifferama a few seconds later. This shit rules people! The album closes out in style with the draining power ballad ‘over and over’…this song contains an awesome solo by Tony…and yeah Ronnie James Dio is GOD. fucking GOD I tell ya.

Like I said go to heavenandhelllive.com for the latest information.

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

“We regret that this had to be a mini-LP, but Andy was involved in an unfortunate accident and was unable to go into the studio with us to record additional tracks. Fortunately, he is making a full recovery and will be able to record a full length album for 1992. Our deepest sympathy goes out to the friends and family of Lisa Thompson who was not as fortunate and Andy. We should all recognize the frailty of life and fight to preserve it, not destroy it”

Thats the first thing you see when opening the jewel case of this forgotten doom influenced death metal release. Not a common thing to see on a release such as this from back in the day. It was also not a common occurence for the guitarist to have half his ass hanging out on the band photo on the back cover…but such is the case. This Long Island band started out as a five piece thrash band in 1988 called APPARITION and around the turn of the century became SORROW…

This was on Roadrunner (or R/C, as they were known as back then)…you know, when the labels slogan, or tag line, whatever, was “some music was meant to stay underground”. The label is now home to Nickelback. So much for that. I still have this bitch housed in the original “long box”. Remember those? If not, nevermind, but its a cool nostalgia trip for me.

On to the music…track one, a slow, dirge-like trip to the bowels of stench ridden reverb/bass heavy death/doom metal entitled ‘awaiting the savior’ is filled with awesome, catchy riffs and tasteful soloing. Staccato, thrash-like riffs compete with melodic noted based assaults and extended doom riffing. The lyrics in this song contains the lovely passage…”I remember the blade that ripped through her flesh/as she tried to escape/but she knew as I smiled/that I controlled her fate”.

Song #2 (‘Eternally Forgotten’) starts with a lightning fast riff and machine gun drums with catchy vocal lines. After a couple verses, its slows down to a slow pace much like track 1 with some more great solos/riffs. About halfway through, the jackhammer drums/riffs return. The last minute of this song contains as awesome passage of an exploding solo that crashes into a staccato dirge only to erupt into a quick thrash-like exit.

“Curse the Sunrise”, track #3 starts slow, with, yet again, great guitar work all around. It quickly launches into a fast passage only to collapse back into the slow pace about a minute later. Note-based riffing followed by yet another killer, emotional solo(s) follows. The last 20 seconds of the song contains a fast-picked muted riff over the lyrics “he takes a look into his past/and hopes this breath will be his last”.

The last song on this four song disc is entitled “A Wasted Cry For Hope”. Over 8 minutes of more depression filled metal motherfucker. The songs subject is basically the same as Al Gore’s movie about global warming…we are fucking killing ourselves! The song does contain the hopeful line “together we can rise above the filth/to live in peace and harmony”…but ends with “but nothing will change” followed by a screaming solo that fades to black. Twenty-two minutes and fifteen seconds in total on this disc, and not a wasted second in my opinion…fucking great, classic death/doom here.

I haven’t mentioned the vocal screams of the afformentioned Andy. They are killer….an effortless LOW growl with a nice tone that compliment the music perfectly throughout.

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPITY DOO
JEFFREY’S STIRRING UP SOME
CHOCOLATE FOR YOU
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPITY DEE
HE WORKED AT THE
AMBROSIA CHOCOLATE FACTORY
WHAT WOULD YOU
BET JEFFREY GUZZLED DOWN MEAT
EATING A BUNCH OF THE
FELLAS HE’D MEET
IF JEFF WAS A CAT
AND MEN WERE THE RATS
WHAT DO YOU THINK
WILL COME OF THAT
I DON’T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPITY DAH
JEFFREY LOVED EATING
MEN FROM GAY BARS
AND HE LIVED IN HAPPINESS TOO
LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPITY DOO
DOOPITY DOO”

That was the lyrics to ‘Jeffrey Dahmer and the Chocolate Factory’ from MACABRE’S ‘Dahmer’, the song is of course a parody of the ditty from the Willy Wonka film…

This album was originally released in 2000 but due to the sheer genius of it I’m gonna give it some exposure yet again for those who might have missed it.

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Macabre
‘Dahmer’
Decomposed Records
Review by Shane
www.murdermetal.com

Chicago’s MACABRE are a 3 piece METAL band with a sound that is truly unique. Throughout the 90′s they were more often than not, simply labeled a Death Metal band with an odd vocal delivery. Oh, but they are so much more! The band has self-labled themselves as ‘Murder Metal’. With this album especially, they stretched the bounderies, and injected a healthy dose of jazz and punk into the thrash-based tunes. The vocals are screamed/growled/cleanly sung/allovertheplace…you get the picture. More on this in a bit…

‘DAHMER’ is a concept album based on the life and death of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. 26 tracks, nearly an hour long, every facet of this fella’s life is covered. From Jeff’s early fascination with ‘dog guts’ to his ultimate end via the hands of Chris Scarver. Everything is covered in this amazing but true story.

And is told with conviction and humor. The lyrics are quite frequently funny in a black humor kind of way. If you like yer comedy on the dark side you’ll love this. Otherwise, stay FAR away from this.

“A MAN ESCAPED JEFFREY’S EMBRACE
AFTER BEING DRUGGED AT HIS
GRANDMOTHER’S PLACE

HE DRANK A CUP OF DRUG LACED
COFFEE JEFFREY POURED
THEN HE ENDED UP ON GRANDMA’S BASEMENT FLOOR

HOW BOUT SOME COFFEE OR A SODA
OR SOME BEER
HE DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE AND THINGS DIDN’T SEEM TOO CLEAR
HOW BOUT SOME COFFEE OR A SODA
OR SOME BEER
ASLEEP FROM THE DRUGGED POTION
JEFFREY FUCKED HIM IN THE REAR

HAVING HIS WAY WITH
THE MAN ON THE FLOOR
WHEN GRANDMA OPENED UP
THE BASEMENT DOOR
BECAUSE OF WHAT JEFFREY’S
GRANDMOTHER SAW
HE DROPPED THE MAN OFF ON
SOMEONES FRONT LAWN”

The quality that stands out the most on this album is simply the songs. Most are catchy, many are immediately hooky, almost pop-like with memorable vocal lines and insanely catchy choruses. Even though I would say this album is quite progressive in nature, every note is superbly placed and played in a way that is lost on most bands nowadays (except FRIGHTMARE and BLOOD FREAK!) The performance on this album is awesome, there is no other way to put it…listen to the riffs, the drums, the too-infrequent solos, the wonderfully delivered vocals of ALL styles. cool.

‘Dahmer’ was produced, recorded, and mixed by the legendary Neil Kernon and it shows. From the spine shattering highs to the brain melting lows this album sounds near perfect. Inside the jewel case are some nice little surprises, like a sketch Jeff busted out that lays out the plans for his temple of the dead… complete with ‘Painted Skulls’, ‘Lamp With Blue Globe’ and ‘Black Chair’. neat.

“ALL THAT REMAINS
OF THE MAN WHO WAS INSANE
INSIDE OF A JAR
IS JEFFREY DAHMER’S BRAIN
BBBRRRAAAIIINNN
BBBRRRAAAIIINNN

HIS FATHER WANTS TO
BURN THE BRAIN
AND HIS MOTHER WANTS IT STUDIED
FOR THE KNOWLEDGE WE CAN GAIN
GGGAAAIIINNN
FROM THE BBBRRRAAAIIINNN

THEY RULED TO DESTROY THE BRAIN
AND HIS FATHER GOT HIS WISH
WHEN THEY PUT IT IN THE FLAME
FFFLLLAAAMMMEEE
THE BBBRRRAAAIIINNN”

Read all of Shane’s Music Reviews in our Music section.

Talk about HERE

A group of dumb, cool young people in a rad Jeep just out trying to have some fun on a lovely summer day are about to run into Mr. Slausen, a crazy old fucker played by Chuck Connors, who has an obsession with animated mannequins and wax figures, and keeping his goofy ass museum “slausens lost oasis” open in spite of the governement building a new highway that diverted traffic from his stupid ‘lost oasis’. Kind of like the same trouble that the later years of the ‘bates motel’ had…goddamned government and dumb new highways!

As the film opens the good-looking young people are actually traveling in two vehicles. The couple in the first vehicle have a blowout and the boyfriend in said vehicle walks ahead to get air in a spare that had no air, fucking idiot. He finds a gas station and in the first five minutes of this movie he is attacked by supernatural mannequins, doors, and a cabinet of paint…its creepy and goofy at the same time. I love it.

Meanwhile, the second group has caught up to the stranded car in the afformentioned rad jeep, they move on to find the boyfriend, but when they stumble across a lovely waterfall-fed swimming hole (after the jeep breaks down of course) that one of the halter-topped chicks calls “paradise”, he is all but forgotten. The girls skinny dip, although the film shows no nudity, which is dumb, and quite surprising, and very dissapointing for a slasher film of the late 70s.

Enter Mr. Slausen, he shows up quickly and out of nowhere at the swimming hole and scares them with his big hat, overalls and shotgun, but befriends and charms ‘em at the same time with his kindness and crazy, nostalgic old fella ways. He then lures them into “slausens lost oasis” with a promise to help them.

Of course, the waterheads fall right into his trap and one by one become the victim of this whacked old koot who, during the kill scenes, wears various mannequin-like masks/wigs/outfits and adopts a fucking retarded voice while in “character” while all the figures around him in his museum come to life complete with animated gaping mouths and fucking beyond absurd “aaahhhh” voice effects. To me, this is howlingly funny, but I’m a weirdo so you might find it just dumb. A scene in which Slausen is having soup with a mannequin is side-splitting…while he and the dummy are discussing how good the crackers are, the mannequin’s head falls off…it kills me and I laugh and laugh! You can see a big influence from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre throughout various scenes in this film. A few moments are so similar its jawdropping. See if you can spot the Psycho influences as well…not too hard to find. One of the animated wax figures (an indian) even gets a kill in the later stages of the movie via an airborne tomahawk in the neck. I won’t giveaway the details of the final scene, but I will say that its a comedy of errors that is rivaled by none. Blood and gore is non-existent in this film, but weirdness, bad overacting, and general silliness rounded out by some truly creepy scenes are abundent.

This DVD is presented in widescreen but I had to set my player to letterbox see it that way on my TV. The film looks very good, some very minor grain and scratches show up, but for the most part it looks great. The colors (especially outdoor scenes) are nicely saturated, a property I like in movies. The audio is stereo 2.0, so if you have surround, its all up front. The score is goofy, dated, dumb, and brilliant. At times very fitting and creepy, other times so out of place and jarring its hilarious.

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Tourist Trap DVD Menu Screen

Extras include various trailers for 80′s tits and ass masterpieces such as ‘assault of the killer bimbos’ and ‘cannibal women in the avacado jungle of death’, as well as a short interview with the director, a commentary track with the director, and other shit you probably don’t care about. The feature trailer is also included.

In closing, this film is by no means an exceptional piece of movie-making as far a mainstream audiences and critics go, but to me its and hour and a half of sheer stupid entertainment and an underappreciated slasher classic.

Review by Music Editor Shane: