At short last, The Uninvited comes to DVD. And this is what you look like caring. You’re extremely smart because you skipped this in theaters along with everybody else. If you’re bored enough to WANT to watch this, be even smarter and let someone else be the dumbass that rents a movie not horrible enough to be reviled, but just uninteresting enough to be an inconsequential January blip on your movie radar. You didn’t bother watching this because the trailer made it look like yet another (sigh) PG-13 (strike one) remake (strikes two and three) of a halfway decent J-horror movie albino-washed and scoured for your protection making it barely scarier than that Jonas Brothers movie that came out last March.
Trust your initial instinct and avoid it on DVD, as if you weren’t going to do that already. In fact, you can probably wait another week and it’ll hit the $5 bin in your local video store. What the hell am I saying? All your local video stores are out of business…
Fun fact: The time it took you to read that opening paragraph is about 15 seconds longer than The Uninvited’s theatrical release.
Continue reading ‘DVD Review: The Uninvited (2009)’
After years of repeated inquiry, the film The Haunting in Connecticut finally answers the question, What is actually IN the great state of Connecticut, aside from one of the best (if not the) college basketball teams in the country right now? Being a lifetime Left Coaster, this question has been brewing in my mind for decades (about 5 minutes before I began writing this). So before I wrote this review, Horrroryearbook generously paid for a chartered flight (Wikipedia) to Connecticut so I could take a look around this mysterious and uncharted parcel of land somewhere in the upper-right hand corner of that US Map we never paid attention to in Social Studies because we knew it wouldn’t really matter if we learned it or not unless we were on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and they just HAPPENED to ask us that question along with other questions that happened to be relevant to our lives no matter how far-fetched and loaded for the easily emotionally manipulated it might seem
It’s a story as old as the hills. I have really no idea how old hills really are, but apparently they’re pretty darn old. And if it weren’t for movies I wouldn’t know that hills actually have eyes, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
January 23rd. A day that will live in movie indifference. For on this day, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, the prequel that no one really asked for to a vampire/werewolf series no one really cares about opened to half-filled theaters around the country. When asked about awareness of the movie, mass audiences said “Wait…there’s a 3rd one coming out? I really couldn’t be more apathetic as I was in line for Hotel for Dogs”.
My Bloody Valentine is one of the best times one could have at a mediocre horror movie this year and I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s the best horror movie of January, except maybe for the Jewsorcist (AKA The Unborn), and maybe The Uninvited (doesn’t that just look BAD?) and possibly the Underworld prequel (everybody looks embarrassed to be there). I’m too terrified to actually sit through Paul Blart: Mall Cop (looks like one of those stupid-premise movies that would usually star Rob Schneider or Chris Kattan), so that’ll have to be taken out of the equation…
Movies like Dread are why I tend to um, dread getting low-budget horror screeners in the mail. It’s almost automatic that they’re going to be horrible, the only suspense generated is to what degree the present screener will be worse or better than the one you got in the mail earlier that week and is now taking residence among your banana peels and empty yogurt cartons in the trash. You fear for the environment, hoping the screener discs will disintegrate into something that eventually helps mother Earth, because they sure won’t do anybody any good as they’re being watched.
December 12th, 2008 will be The Day the Earth Stood Still and the day that no one cared to watch it, because why bother with such mediocre when you’ve got Milk or Frost/Nixon? At least last summer’s other end-of-the-world-scenario movie The Happening was so fucking stupid that audiences could mollify the time they were wasting making fun of it. What few audiences show up to this will wish their world HAD ended right before they forked over their $10-12.
Because the Haunting of Molly is as insignificant a trifle you’ll see released this year, and you probably won’t know someone who’s actually seen this as I’m sure it’ll be out of theaters next week to make room for Madagascar 2. Yet it’s not egregiously horrible enough to be mentioned in any “year’s-worst” lists. In short, it’s the other Jacksons not named Michael or Janet. If it was a Baldwin it’d have to be Stephen, but please wait until he’s out of the room before you begin laughing
Oh boy, yet ANOTHER “found footage” horror movie where we the audience gets to see the action from the camera’s point of view and the biggest scare of the movie is whether we can keep our food in our stomachs in enough time to run to the lobby bathroom…
7 friends meet at a cabin by a creek (hence the title of the movie The Creek…as opposed to 7 Friends Meet at A Cabin). It’s a tradition they’ve been enacting for years. They drink. They smoke. They do everything but have sex.
Published by Noel Penaflor August 1st, 2008
in MOVIE REVIEWS (ALL).
If the answer is yes, then perhaps you need to go online and go to HellCorrespondence.com (yes that is an actual URL) and get a little vengeance in your life. All you have to do is call Hell Girl (real name: Ai) and her pals and they’ll take care of it for in ways only Japanese anime can…
After 6 years the X-Files is back, hitting the big screens after 9 seasons of being on the air (7 of those which were actually good). Who wouldn’t want to believe that after more than half a decade Mulder and Scully hadn’t worn out their welcome, and that X Files faithful would welcome them back with open arms, ready to tackle aliens, government conspiracies, cigarette smoking octogenarians, black oil, abductions and whatever creator Chris Carter and his crew cranked out? It’s been said that The X-Files was one of the most cinematic shows ever put on television, and having been a casual fan in the late 90’s, I’d have to agree.
I didn’t think it was possible for writer/director/egomaniac M. Night Shyamalan to make a worse movie than his uneven sunken Lady in the Water, but I’m wrong. I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again before I shuffle off this mortal coil, but I didn’t want to be. I really Didn’t.
I don’t know much about physics, but I have heard that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity may explain why a rancid movie like Kinky Killers, at only 85 minutes, can seem soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much longer…
Parks are closing down for the season, and that goes for our titular park, Grizzly park, so named because there are probably Grizzlies out and about… But before they can be closed, they have to be cleaned. They WILL be cleaned by juvenile delinquents forced to do community service.And it just so happens that a serial rapist/killer has escaped and killed the person about to transport said juvenile delinquents to Grizzly Park.
