TUNNELS aka CRIMINAL ACT (1989)
Directed by Mark Byers
Starring: Caterine Bach (“The Dukes of Hazzard”, CRAZED), Some Shelly Long clone named Charlene Dallas, Jamie Lee Curtis’s brother-in-law aka Nicolas Guest (DOLLMAN), Vic Taybak (Mel from “Alice” and DOOR TO DOOR MANIAC), and poor John Saxon as the newspaper editor.

Moronic Mark actually has a celebrity guest introducing today’s show! Yes, Ron Jeremy, a man who has been on “Family Guy”, The Surreal Life, alot of great Troma movies, and a couple of films that can be found at the back of the store, is on today’s show.

Also Mark reviews TUNNELS aka CRIMINAL ACT, a chick flick with DVD art that makes one think it’s a horror flick.

CHECK IT OUT!

Also, check out ONE-EYED MONSTER

Twin Sitters (1994) Directed by John Paragon (aka Jambi from “Pee Wee’s PlayHouse)

Starring: The Barbarian Brothers, Don and David Paul (of Duh THE BARBARIANS and D.C. CAB), George Lazenby (HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE and the “Emmanuelle” tv series), 2 twin boys who make Zach and Cody look like Pacino and DeNiro, Mother Love (MR. NANNY) and poor poor Paul Bartel (EATING RAOUL) as restaurant guest.

Not many people know that the Barbarian Brothers had some small parts in NATURAL BORN KILLERS where they each get a leg cut off by Mickey and Mallory Knox. Unfortunately, their scene was cut out of the theatrical release. And that’s a clear indication that anyone involved in the making of NATURAL BORN KILLERS had never seen a Barbarian Brother movie.

Here they star in a MR. NANNY ripoff (yes they actually ripped off MR. NANNY) called TWINSITTERS which Mark reviews.

Enjoy!

END GAME (2009)
Directed by Bruce Kohler
Starring: Kurt Angle, Jenna Morasca

Moronic Mark VS Kurt Angle?

Is Moronic Mark crazy? Well he does have the adjective “Moronic” in front of his first name. But in all fairness, It’s the Devil’s Puppet’s fault because he makes Mark watch and review the cheesey, generic, and done more times that a gang bang record holder’s vagina serial killer/ cop plotline movie called END GAME starring Kurt Angle (gold medalist wrestler and 13 time professional champ). It’s still better than THE MARINE and it’s worth a check out for extremely diehard Angle fans (which Mark is, but Kurt still kicks his ass).

Here’s the full video review.

What do you get when mix a home redecorating show with a zombie invasion and this mixture is brought to you by the creator of SUBURBAN SASQUATCH? Well, it’s something that should of been cooler than this flick which is called ZOMBIE BY DESIGN. Maybe, Moronic Mark’s expectations were just a tad too high in regards with Wascavage’s previous flick (I mean it did cause him to buy a gorilla suit and create another reoccurring character) that ZOMBIES BY DESIGN could in no way compete with. Maybe, he was mad that there was no Ty Pennington type character who gets eaten by the undead.

Anyway, here’s his look at it.

Chatterbox (1977)

Directed by Tom DeSimone

Starring:Candice Rialson (HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD and CANDY STRIPE NURSES), Larry Gelman, Perry Bullington (who went on to cast most of Charles Band’s Full Moon movies), Rip Taylor (Yes, that Rip Taylor), and the director’s brother Bob DeSimone (The coke head who dates the waitress and gets his throat slit in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING)

It’s true!

The Devil Puppet is making Moronic Mark watch a romantic comedy for Valentine’s Day. Luckily, Mark remembers the movie CHATTERBOX, which is about a woman with a talking and singing vagina (named Virginia) and their quest for love. It’s not really a horror movie, but it’s directed by a guy who directed 4 “Freddy’s Nightmares” and movies like ANGEL III: The Final Chapter and HELL NIGHT, along with the classic flick, REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS. It’s definatly something you don’t see everyday. And frankly, It’s not too bad.

Enjoy!

And Happy V.D.

13 TEEN (2010)
Directed by Pritesh Chheda (don’t ask me how to pronounce that)
Starring: Amanda Brown, John Lansch, Marc Hustvedt

I always find it funny when the DVD box art of a film has a quote which compares the film to another film or two which are usually better or well known or commercially successful. It’s as if the marketing team has given up on letting the film stand up on it’s own merit and originality. Plus, the whole comparison angle might dissuade people from viewing the flick since the film that they are comparing this film to something which might not be a film that the audience, that they are trying to capture, would generally like. Now I know that there’s never been a film who has a DVD cover that claims that the film is like HOWARD THE DUCK and AVENGING DISCO GODFATHER, but there have been many movies over the last several years which probably hurt their sells by claiming that their movie is funnier than NAPOLEON DYNAMITE (heck, ZOMBI HOLOCAUST is funnier than NAPOLEON DYNAMITE). It’s a silly gamble that they make and today’s movie has the same marketing gamble on its DVD cover.

13 TEEN has the statement that it’s “SEVEN” meets “PARANORMAL ACTIVITY” on the very front of its DVD box and that statement is directly below it’s title. Now, the statement is from a real deal critic (Stuart Alson of Independent Film Quarterly) which is nice, so you know it’s not one of those realms of film maker’s fantasy statements where they make their own comparative statements with the dreaded words “In the style of …” or “In the tradition of…”. Now the big question: Is the statement true?

Sure it’s true. In the same vein as Shrimp Flavored Ramein noodles have the taste of shrimp.

It’s like SEVEN in regards to the fact that it has a serial killer has a plot point (The killer carves the number 13 in the chest of it’s victim). It’s like PARANORMAL ACTIVITY due to the fact that it shows some ghostly images for about 13 seconds. The more appropriate comparison to the film 13TEEN would be that’s in tune to the classic television series “Tales from the Darkside” since it’s contained in one setting and has 3 main characters in it. It would of been a decent episode to the series. Unfortunately, it’s longer than 30 minutes.

The film opens with Sera Night (Amanda Brown) coming home from a long day at work. The viewer gets nearly every detail of her post work ritual (a.k.a. padding), including her viewing of some minor league baseball. Now I don’t know if I’m making myself clear that all this padding is boring, but when she’s watching the minor league baseball game, I’m actually more interested in the game. Finally, a stranger (John Lansh) comes knocking at her door. He’s a real estate contract guy who wants to get control of her place to sell for his company. She informs him that her place is not for sell, and he says, “Oh”. He asks to hang since it’s raining out and he needs to wait for a ride, and she says, “no,” but has a change of heart when she sees the poor asthmatic schlub outside in the pouring rain. He comes inside, drinks the broad’s good hooch, and they talk for 45 minutes. They talk about the local serial killer, their work, his custody problems with his kid, cake farts and dingle berries. Ok, they didn’t talk about about the last two things, but boy did they do a hell of a lot of talking. A guy (Marc Hustvedt) who works for the home’s security company comes over to work on the security system. His unusual work habits make the other two question his motives, and Sera sees a “13″ written on the wall in one of the rooms and something might finally happen.

It does, but mainly off screen.

13TEEN would best be described as a low budget suspense thriller with a shitload of talking and it takes the M. Night Shyamalan’s route of having a twist for the sake of having a twist. The main twist has 33.3% chance of being figured out well before the movie’s end. There’s some other twists, but they’re more in the minor league ballpark line of thinking of “oh, so that’s where it’s going” versus “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID that just HAPPEN?”. It’s not the worst way to waste 90 minutes, but it’s noting special.

I guess if I had to go in the whole twist for no reason other than having a twist route that this film loves to go into, I guess I better add that I didn’t really review a film from 2010 called 13TEEN.

HOW COULD THIS BE?

Well, it was originally called FOR SALE BY OWNER and was made in 2005.

Pork Chops and Applesause. Rosebud is a sled. They make pickles out of cucumbers.

Now you know.

2 stars out of 5.

P.S. 13TEEN is also a pretty stupid title too since there’s no teens in it. I guess they were trying to go with a title that has both letters and numbers in it, so it could somehow be better marketable like the films SE7EN, and ID4, and the TV show “NUMB3RS”,
and to a much much much lesser extent ZB4.

JAWS OF SATAN (1981)

Directed by Bob Claver (ironically, a man who directed 11 episodes of “Charles in Charge)

Starring: Fritz Weaver (CREEPSHOW), Gretchen Corbett, Jon Korkes, Diana Douglas (Michael Douglas’ mom), and poster woman for any teenage boy who grew up in the early 90′s, Christina Applegate (“Married With Children”, Anchorman, and that shitty ABC show that your girlfriend liked)

This time, Moronic Mark takes on the best movie ever made in Alabama about killer snakes. Ok, it’s the only movie made about killer snakes that was shot in Alabama, but it wasn’t all that bad. It does have a good performance from Fritz Weaver and it’s a better movie than that movie with Christina Applegate where she falls in love with James Marshall who got his hands amputated from a backhoe assault from bullies and he becomes a techno DJ. What was that movie called? VIBRATIONS. Man, that movie sucked. Ok, I digressed…

JAWS of SATAN is not too bad, even though it does have some extra heaping helpings of cliches.

Enjoy

ABDUCTION (2009)
Directed by John Orrichio (is that Chad Johnson’s brother)

Starring: Tony Rugnetta, S. Freddor, Roberto Lombardi, Omaida Aponte, and a bunch of strippers with ballony boobs and a full grown Ommpa Loompa

Moronic Mark kicks off season 3 of his crappy movie review show (the movies that he reviews are crappy not that it’s a crappy review show. Moving on!) with a movie review of a film that was sent to him by a fan of the show (Yes, they do exist). He has a small part in the film and does give a good performance as a mentally challenged simpleton who likes dead women’s fingers. So thank you David M Sitbon.

And enjoy the video review of a movie about a shady town with a secret and all the organ harvesting, slave trafficing, and underground baby adoptioning that it provides. Plus, the theme of PSYCHO’S IN LOVE is in it for no really good reason.

Directed by Nolan Ball and Bryan Roberts

Starring: Edward X. Young, Colleen Cohan, Beatrice Strobl, Kachina Dechert, and Bethany Taylor

Have you ever had ultra hot mess drunk chick hit on you at the last call mark at a bar? I mean she’s really long in the tooth, probably a tad to a ton overweight, not attractive or coherent by any stretch of the imagination, but is desperate for any minuscule amount of attention or affection and has sunk to the most dire level to achieve a trace amount of fulfillment. Your heart in a strange way goes out to them and you hope that they can get what they need in a safe and hopefully compassionate way, but you can’t provide any of it because you know that it’s in so many ways WRONG. That’s the way I think about the movie, The Green Monster.
This movie is a hot mess. It’s definitely a style over substance feature and it desire to be clever and to cover a wide spectrum of topics on a bargain basement low budget is like trying run a buffet restaurant with one package of lomein noodles.

The movie opens with a teenager having a baby at a convenience store’s bathroom. She dumps the baby in the garbage and takes a ride with a kindly male worker of the convenience store. Following the horror movie handbook of overly done horror movie cliches of the last 100 years, The Green Monster’s kindly male worker at the convenience store is a blood thirsty psychopath who kills the girl and grinds her up into food for the store to sell. Cut to three high school girls (Beatrice Strobl, Kachina Dechert, and Bethany Taylor) who go to the convenience store after they have a weird low budget Mean Girls/”Hit Me Baby One More Time” walk down their high school hallway montage sequence for no reason whatsoever. It turns out that one of the friends who is named Bree (Strobl) likes to go to this place for her “cosmetics” even though it’s on the dreaded other side of the tracks (even though all theses track sides look like white bread Massachusetts). The “cosmedics” that she purchases actually are chocolates that are made by the man and woman ( Edward X. Young and Colleen Cohan) of the convenience store who used the recipe from the handbook mentioned earlier.

Bree gets killed by the school’s druggy bully and he killed her parents to for shits and giggles. He notices that she’s eating her candy while he’s killing her and decides to go to the convience store with his buddy (aka the only other person seen in the high school since this film’s budget is so low they actually have less students in the high school then “Saved By the Bell”) for a chance to get their hands on their candy fortunes. Of course, they get killed in short order. So it’s up to the two other school friends: the ballet girl (Dechert) and the overweight girl (Taylor), along with the new boy who lives across the street and goes to the high school (even though he looks likes he’s in his mid 30′s and might be older than the woman who is playing his mother) to figure out what’s going on and take on the evil convenience store psychopaths in a series of events that are almost as unintentionally funny as The Room.

… Almost.

The Green Monster could of been a cult movie classic of laughingly bad dementia, but dang it, the filmmakers showed some actually professional skill here and there, so the laugh out loud bad parts are mere evidence of laziness versus out and out ignorance. The opening credit sequence is first rate and could be passed off as big budget studio fare. Also there’s a cool part where the convience store clerks are killer the druggy bullies and the knife stabbing motion goes with the sound of the music which was entertaining. The acting for the most part is pretty decent. Sure the Colleen Cohen is over the top as the lady killer and Edward X Young’s Louisiana accent sounds more like Fred Gwynne’s in Pet Sematary, but it was fitting either way. The writing was all over the place and idea of a “Wish Burger” might keep me giggling for weeks, but it takes a strong endurance to get to that “Wish Burger”.

I really wanted to like The Green Monster, but I can’t recommend it since it’s too lazily done to reccomend it for all it’s cheesey goodness and too incomprehensible to understand all the things that it’s throwing at it’s intended viewers. For example, the candy/cosmedics that Bree eats have a healing agent that cures her of face blemishes. Some of these blemishes are suppose to disappear after the druggy bully attacks her and she eats the candy, but you barely
a change, yet the film uses this fact to move along the plot. Also and more glaringly, “the green monster” of the movie title, well that’s the name of the dumpster next to the convenience store in the movie, but the name is never uttered until the last 10 minutes. I guess that’s the name of that the sanitation company gave to those dumpsters in that area that the film was made, which no one outside of the area that the film was made would of known about unless it was mentioned earlier since most people will think of The Boston Red Sox when “the Green Monster” is mentioned.

God knows I would love to watch a movie were a literal Green Monster would rip Red Sox fans to shreds, but this movie wasn’t that. Sorry, I’m a Cubs fan and if I hear one more Red Sox fans talking about reversing the curse (which wasn’t an actual curse just a moniker created by a sports writer in the 90′s) one more time, I might play kickball with Ted Williams frozen skull.

Where was I? Oh yeah, this movie is a hot mess.

ZOMBIE BLOODBATH (1993)
ZOMBIE BLOODBATH 2 (1995)
ZOMBIE BLOODBATH 3 or ZB3 (2000)

All Directed by Todd Sheets

Well Mark has come up with his 50th review of the worst movies ever made (actually that and the 51st and 52nd) and the circle is now complete since he’s taken on some more of Todd Sheets efforts. He takes on the entire ZOMBIE BLOODBATH trilogy. Will he survive his 5th, 6th, and 7th helpings of pieces of Sheets, not if one special guest star has a say in it.

Enjoy!

NIGHT OF THE DEMON
(1980)
Directed by James C. Wasson

Do you like campers getting killed? Do you like Bigfoot monsters? Do you like flute solos? Well, NIGHT OF THE DEMON (singular) has it all. Moronic Mark has a field day watching a film about a college professor taking his students on a field trip where they hunt Sasquatch. Of course, the Suburban Sasquatch has a different reaction to the flick and poor Sammy has to suffer from the consequences, and the Iron Sheik has a lip stick tube stuck in his boobie because he was confused over which movie was being reviewed. And for no really good reason, there’s two Richard Gabai songs in it.

But all in all, NIGHT OF THE DEMON is a cool little low budget film with neat and demented deaths.

Enjoy!

THE SEX FILES: A DARK XXX PARODY
(2009)
Directed by Sam Hain
Starring: Kimberly Kane as Scully and Anthony Rosano as Mulder
Also Featuring Aurora Snow as a Secretary, Evan Stone since he’s about in every porno flick (and every recent Fred Olen Ray directed Cinesnatch Friday After Dark flick), Ashlynn Brooke as Lilith, and Rod Fantana as Skinner.

With the online surge of internet porn becoming the new go to destination for perverts and the purveyors of the perverted arts, which in turn brought the porno industry quickly down in financial heights and quickly made them turn to the one staple of their business which nearly had been forgotten about over the last 10 years, the porn parody movie.

Yes, as Gore Vidal once mentioned, “The porn business has prostituted itself.” I don’t want to go a whole BOOGIE NIGHTS written detail over the last 10 years of porno here since I am a big dumb lazy bastard and the more info on the topic of smut I disclose will further convict me of perversity. Needlessly to say, there has less titles like ON GOLDEN BLOND and more like SHUT UP AND BLOW ME #98, but desperate times bring desperate measures and a return to a pseudo creativeness has returned to the pornographic arts (instead of the regular plastic surgery). But hey, you did get a Gore Vidal quote out of me.

Digital Sin and Revolution X Studios have scored big time with their title, THE SEX FILES: A DARK XXX PARODY. The film is light on laughs, but that wasn’t really the intent of this project since the subject of the parody the dark paranormal conspiracy theory loving television series, “The X Files”. I heard that Fox wasn’t too happy of this parody movie’s existence, and I can understand that, yet I feel that corporate suits and lawyers should lighten up since just a very well done fan film made for fans who wanted to see their favorite characters get together in a more graphic detail than Fox would ever tease them with.

And to tell you the truth, I’m not the biggest “X-Files” fan. I haven’t seen the 2 movies and only watched about 5 episodes altogether (4 for a class in college and the other one since it had Burt Reynolds in it), so I may not be the best judge of the source material of the typical hardcore fan. I get the idea of the show, but there’s no way I’m gonna know Mulder’s favorite Slim Whitman song. But I do know that this film is a very well made film which shows it’s admiration of the source material. This film looks like an episode of “The X-Files”, a much cheaper episode which features a weaker supernatural plot line, but still it looks like an episode of “The X-Files”. It sounds like an episode of “The X-Files”. I’m surprise all the music of this production was from DeWolfe Music Library. The score was selected very well to fit with the original tv show score. I was certain that they hired an actually composer in order to capture the musical elements of the tv series such as “Family Guy” does when they want to parody something, but can’t get the exact tune to what they want to make fun of due to legal issues The casting of Kimberly Kane as Agent Scully is spot on. She has the exact same perfect attractiveness of Gillian Anderson as in you would do anything to tap that, yet you can’t explain why since she doesn’t fit the mold of the Stepford Blond bots that Hugh Hefner wants you to find attractive and she doesn’t have the flawed yet still popular features of a Sarah Jessica Parker, Julia Roberts, or Reese Witherspoon have that gay magazine writers and your girlfriends seem to love. She’s just a whole lot of redheaded sexy goodness. Now, Anthony Rosano puts in a good solid performance. I believed everything Rosano said and kudos for being able to last so long while fucking red hot Kimberly Kane (um, spoiler alert), but he’s not David Duchovny. He does a good job, but when they hit the jackpot with Kimberly Kane one would think they would of tried harder to find a Duchovny clone. There’s no sleepy monotone line delivery. Heck, I think Duchcovny would of done the flick if they asked him nice enough and the reported sexual addiction is true (he did do “Red Shoe Diaries” well into “The X-Files” run).

Another fault I had with this movie is the first sex scene. It involves Skinner and yes the actor they have who plays Skinner (Rod Fantana) looks a lot like Mitch Pileggi. Now, Mitch Pileggi is a great character actor, I just don’t want to seem him in a sex scene. Let alone a sex scene that is over 20 minutes long with several positions even if it involves Aurora Snow. Plus, he doesn’t even do the shocker! (2 in the pinkie, 1 in the stinkie) If he would of done that, I would have gave the scene a pass. Note to producers who plan on making a “Monk” porn parody: if you plan on having a sex scene involving Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, before he porks the chick he must say, “Would you fuck me? I’d Fuck me.” But I digress.

Anyway, the big finale of “The SEX FILES” is every fan boy and girls wet dream. This finale scene is probably the closest and most graphic account to the fan fiction that they been writing for years. And to tell you the truth, it’s actually well done. Sam Haim does a first rate orchestrion of the sex act (plus, there’s never the gross shot where all you see is the dude’s balls and ass). The performers actually act out and give a good performance of love making between two characters. Most porn scenes usually feature actors going through the motions where the actress says a “ooo” and a “ah” here and there with no meaning and an actor is concentrating hard in order not to bust a nut in the next minute so he has that blank algebra solving stare going the whole time. This scene has the actors acting with eyes along with their junk. It actual rises above the usual standards of the porno low bar.

So if you like “The X-Files” check it out. And if you want a movie to jerkoff to, check it out.

3 1/2 stars or boners or whatever out of 4 on a porn movie scale is. I don’t know it’s a porn movie, but it’s a good porn movie.

And don’t tell anybody that I told you about it.

A*P*E
(1976)
Directed by Paul Leder

Moronic Mark is still looking at the worst movies ever made in order to save his soul and now Suburban Sasquatch is picking out movies for him to watch. This time he has to endure the uberbad KING KONG knockoff filmed 3-D and in Korea by an American director (no wonder why Kim Jong Il hates us) film APE. At least, it has Joanna Kearns in it. Plus, there’s some Donkey Kong action and Sasquatch sings!

Enjoy!