Published by Moronic Mark March 20th, 2010
in Satan's Screener.
ZOMBIES BY DESIGN (2006)
Directed by Dave Wascavage (SUBURBAN SASQUATCH)
Starring: Juan Fernandez, Mary Wascavage, David Weldon, and David M. Sitbon as Lex Blackheart
What do you get when mix a home redecorating show with a zombie invasion and this mixture is brought to you by the creator of SUBURBAN SASQUATCH? Well, it’s something that should of been cooler than this flick which is called ZOMBIE BY DESIGN. Maybe, Moronic Mark’s expectations were just a tad too high in regards with Wascavage’s previous flick (I mean it did cause him to buy a gorilla suit and create another reoccurring character) that ZOMBIES BY DESIGN could in no way compete with. Maybe, he was mad that there was no Ty Pennington type character who gets eaten by the undead.
Continue reading ‘Satan’s Screener Takes on Zombies by Design’
Published by Moronic Mark February 14th, 2010
in Satan's Screener.
The Devil Puppet is making Moronic Mark watch a romantic comedy for Valentine’s Day. Luckily, Mark remembers the movie CHATTERBOX, which is about a woman with a talking and singing vagina (named Virginia) and their quest for love. It’s not really a horror movie, but it’s directed by a guy who directed 4 “Freddy’s Nightmares” and movies like ANGEL III: The Final Chapter and HELL NIGHT, along with the classic flick, REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS. It’s definatly something you don’t see everyday. And frankly, It’s not too bad.
Moronic Mark is a big dumb animal. He’s not as smart as he think he is, and he has the grammatical skills of 7 year old. He may not be the best guy to go to in order to figure out if a film should be viewed or not viewed, but he does have the ability to watch anything. Yes, anything. He’s made it through 11 Todd Sheets movies, 2 porn flicks with Joanie Chynadoll Laurer, and has seen every Rob Schneider flick in the theater (well the ones that made it to the theater). Nothing on any screen can make him tap out, and sometimes this viewing endurance can make him find a diamond in the rough. He may ramble on about stuff that has nothing to do about the film he’s suppose to be talking about, but he means well. This is the Moronic Movie Review.
Published by Moronic Mark February 2nd, 2010
in Satan's Screener.
This time, Moronic Mark takes on the best movie ever made in Alabama about killer snakes. Ok, it’s the only movie made about killer snakes that was shot in Alabama, but it wasn’t all that bad. It does have a good performance from Fritz Weaver and it’s a better movie than that movie with Christina Applegate where she falls in love with James Marshall who got his hands amputated from a backhoe assault from bullies and he becomes a techno DJ. What was that movie called? VIBRATIONS. Man, that movie sucked. Ok, I digressed
Published by Moronic Mark January 26th, 2010
in Satan's Screener.
Moronic Mark kicks off season 3 of his crappy movie review show (the movies that he reviews are crappy not that it’s a crappy review show. Moving on!) with a movie review of a film that was sent to him by a fan of the show (Yes, they do exist). He has a small part in the film and does give a good performance as a mentally challenged simpleton who likes dead women’s fingers. So thank you David M Sitbon.
Have you ever had ultra hot mess drunk chick hit on you at the last call mark at a bar? I mean she’s really long in the tooth, probably a tad to a ton overweight, not attractive or coherent by any stretch of the imagination, but is desperate for any minuscule amount of attention or affection and has sunk to the most dire level to achieve a trace amount of fulfillment. Your heart in a strange way goes out to them and you hope that they can get what they need in a safe and hopefully compassionate way, but you can’t provide any of it because you know that it’s in so many ways WRONG. That’s the way I think about the movie, The Green Monster.
This movie is a hot mess. It’s definitely a style over substance feature and it desire to be clever and to cover a wide spectrum of topics on a bargain basement low budget is like trying run a buffet restaurant with one package of lomein noodles.
Published by Moronic Mark December 22nd, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Well Mark has come up with his 50th review of the worst movies ever made (actually that and the 51st and 52nd) and the circle is now complete since he’s taken on some more of Todd Sheets efforts. He takes on the entire ZOMBIE BLOODBATH trilogy. Will he survive his 5th, 6th, and 7th helpings of pieces of Sheets, not if one special guest star has a say in it.
Published by Moronic Mark December 2nd, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Do you like campers getting killed? Do you like Bigfoot monsters? Do you like flute solos? Well, NIGHT OF THE DEMON (singular) has it all. Moronic Mark has a field day watching a film about a college professor taking his students on a field trip where they hunt Sasquatch. Of course, the Suburban Sasquatch has a different reaction to the flick and poor Sammy has to suffer from the consequences, and the Iron Sheik has a lip stick tube stuck in his boobie because he was confused over which movie was being reviewed. And for no really good reason, there’s two Richard Gabai songs in it.
With the online surge of internet porn becoming the new go to destination for perverts and the purveyors of the perverted arts, which in turn brought the porno industry quickly down in financial heights and quickly made them turn to the one staple of their business which nearly had been forgotten about over the last 10 years, the porn parody movie.
Yes, as Gore Vidal once mentioned, “The porn business has prostituted itself.” I don’t want to go a whole BOOGIE NIGHTS written detail over the last 10 years of porno here since I am a big dumb lazy bastard and the more info on the topic of smut I disclose will further convict me of perversity. Needlessly to say, there has less titles like ON GOLDEN BLOND and more like SHUT UP AND BLOW ME #98, but desperate times bring desperate measures and a return to a pseudo creativeness has returned to the pornographic arts (instead of the regular plastic surgery). But hey, you did get a Gore Vidal quote out of me.
Published by Moronic Mark November 15th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Moronic Mark is still looking at the worst movies ever made in order to save his soul and now Suburban Sasquatch is picking out movies for him to watch. This time he has to endure the uberbad KING KONG knockoff filmed 3-D and in Korea by an American director (no wonder why Kim Jong Il hates us) film APE. At least, it has Joanna Kearns in it. Plus, there’s some Donkey Kong action and Sasquatch sings!
Published by Moronic Mark October 27th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Well it finally happened. Mark looks at a movie that features an Academy Award Winner (who did the flick post win), and suffers through a horrible movie that he despises, even though it has a bunch of tits in it. It has to be the worst horror-comedy that he’s ever seen and he’s made it through a shitload of shitty horror comedies like DIE HARD DRACULA, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 2,4, and 5, DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT, SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST HALLOWEEN, etc. etc. etc.
Heck, REANIMATOR ACADEMY was easier to get through than this flick!
Published by Moronic Mark October 15th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
How many jizz jokes can a reviewer put in about haunted movie set movie?
Find out on this episode of “Satan’s Screener” where Mark wears many hats for no really good reason and looks at DEATH BY DIALOGUE. It’s a strangely cracked out movie with bad audio, yet it’s fun to watch because the filmmakers (it was produced by the guys who founded PM Entertainment) throw everything at the wall to see what sticks. So you got DREAM WARRIOR MVP, Ken Sagoes, a formula one car that shows up for no reason, a generic 80’s metal band, a rubber monster, some cool beheadings, and He-Man influences.
Published by Moronic Mark October 7th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
What does Moronic Mark do when he watches the worst shot on shiteo REANIMATOR ripoff horror comedy with jokes so old they fart dust? He dances (you know it baby) cause it makes him think of the classic video “Move Them Dead Bones” by Dr. ReAnimator. He also makes about 5 obscure wrestling references and there’s a shaved pussy to enjoy. So, his A.D.D. is working pretty well.
Enjoy!
Published by Moronic Mark September 15th, 2009
in Satan's Screener.
Directed by Peter Maris (CAN IT BE LOVE aka SPRING BREAK SORORITY BABES)
Starring Charles Napier (for 7 minutes), Hoke Howell, some other people, crap computer graphics and men in monster suits.
Moronic Mark finally learns what his bad movie quota is in order to get his soul back. So after this review, he’s got 622 left. Movie 623 (if you’re counting backward) is the INDEPENDENCE DAY knockoff, ALIEN SPECIES. Poor Charles Napier, he’s in this one, but luckily for 7 minutes.
It’s pretty bad when the KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE have a more menacing lair then this movie. Totally tideous, but somehow Mark makes it through with the help of Journey and MALLRATS.
I’m reviewing porn movies on the internet, boy my parents are gonna be so proud (especially with my third DUI I got 2 weeks ago. Hey that’s where I’ve been). This is actually my second pornographic feature that I’m doing on here, but the first was ANOTHER NIGHT IN CHINA which is more of a horror movie (and my pick for “Scariest Movie of 2009″), so that shouldn’t really count. You might be asking what my creditials are to be reviewing this smut on this horror movie website. Well I’ve have met Ron Jeremy 3 Times and it is a parody of THE HILLS HAVE EYES and since I look like Mini Michael Berryman. So here we go.
