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Movie Review: Grace (2009)

Molly Celaschi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:52:46 +0000

So there is a bloodsucking baby, but more importantly – old people have sex. Informing my readers of what to look for in a movie is my top priority and here you get old titty.

But the film is really about Madeline (Jordan Ladd from Cabin Fever, Grindhouse) making babies. The opening shot of the movie is her blank stare as her husband sorta screws her and she lifts her legs to ensure his sperm monkeys crawl their way through her fallopian tubes. Husband dies, baby comes out thirsting for blood, and Madeline’s mother-in-law Vivien suffers a three-quarter life crisis and wants to steal her baby.

I’m not gonna kid around here. This film isn’t exactly what I would label as Horror. Sure there are disgusting images and tons of blood (bloody baby bath, bloody baby birth, bloody baby nursing, etc). There is even bloody titty, which is not to be confused with old titty. But overall, the film plays more like a fucked up Lifetime movie complete with stillbirths, angry lesbian lovers, baby snatching, and unfit mothers. I wondered when Tori and Candy Spelling were going to show up to food fight over who’s a worse mother and then stomp on Aaron’s grave.

But that’s not to say that I didn’t like the film. In fact, I was surprised at how well written it really was. I expected just a cheapo baby munching horror film and instead got a psychological observation on everything mother-ish. Which is exactly why some guys may not enjoy this movie. Come for the titty sucking, stay for the moral lesson. Or not.

I’m not entirely sure which side of the fence writer-director Paul Solet stands. Is he a vegan? Is he a breeder? Is he an ex-PETA worker? I have no idea. But that’s why I liked his film. It deals with heavy elements without coming off preachy. He gives you the story and the visuals and leaves you to make up your mind. Like the horrific images of animals slaughtered, and yet there is the comment made of a mother who “starved her baby to death with wheatgrass.” Or how mother-in-law Vivien comes to the rescue of Madeline’s sick baby and yet kills her cat in the process. There really is no Right or Wrong with any of these women. They all seem to have good intentions while doing increasingly sick things.

However, pretty much all of the men in the film are replaceable or disposable. Neither of the husbands to Madeline or Vivien do anything really. They are walking cum dispensers. Once they’ve served their purpose, they either die or walk out of the scene. Madeline’s “savior” is her ex-lesbian lover, who ironically yields the biggest rack of all the women. Even the ending, which I won’t ruin for you, hammers this idea home. Wanna take a guess? I’ll give you a hint- there are no men involved. They simply aren’t needed. (I can hear the soft whimpers of the young men reading this as their ballsacks shrivel up.)

Madeline’s husband is a momma’s boy who is unable to protect his own wife. When she is rushed to the hospital, he just stands by idly. And yet her midwife, aka lesbian lover, rushes to her side like Wonder Woman because the husband’s spidey senses haven’t kicked in yet even at his age.

And the doctor examination scene is the creepiest part of the whole movie and doesn’t involve the baby or blood. All the men are portrayed as perverts, weirdos, or wimps and this is none more apparent as is here. Madeline is about 2 feet shorter than the good doctor, thus making her look like a ten year old child as he tells her he is going to “stick her” and asks her to take her top off. As he helps her to pump her breast milk (for some sort of a gross sample he probably intends to drink later), her milk runs down his fingertips. It’s such a small scene with very little going on and yet I wanted to throw up at the sight of this guy.

In fact, just looking at the tagline “Love… Undying” implies so much more. It is the love a mother, or any woman, can give that is undying. Like Madeline’s love for her dead baby that brings it back to life. Or Vivien’s love for her dead son that practically turns her into a killer. But what of the love from a man? It is practically worthless. Madeline’s husband loves her, but that doesn’t stop his dumbass from dying and leaving her to fend for herself. Vivien’s husband also lost his son, yet he conveys almost no emotion at all. And worse yet, he hasn’t a clue how to comfort his wife and doesn’t even acknowledge that she is having some sort of a breakdown. Like in the scene after the son’s death in their bedroom, he only responds to her when she yells at him. The moment real emotion sets in, he walks away and Vivien is left standing there crying alone.

I’m almost shocked Solet wrote this. (For the record, I like to call him Sole’ because it sounds French, but rhymes with Ole’!) Solet is a young man with tattoos that touched my titty at a Fangoria convention. And yet the guy has depth. I’d say the guy has a huge talent for writing, which may be due in part to his studying psychology and being mentored by … Eli Roth? But seriously, his understanding of human emotions, especially of women’s, coupled with the gross body horror visuals make him someone to keep an eye on. I’d liken him to a younger, more sensitive David Cronenberg.

The Last House on the Left (2009) DVD Review

Molly Celaschi — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 14:20:25 +0000

The Last House on the Left (2009) remake has hit DVD in the unrated and theatrical versions.

I’ll start off by giving you technical details before I rip the film a new asshole. The unrated version is 4 minutes longer than the theatrical 110 minute version. The extra footage includes more rape-age, more finger-grinding during the Francis death scene, and some more bullshit talk amongst da gangstas. The extras are as ridiculous and annoying as the film itself. There are a few alternate takes, stunt footage, and a 3 minute behind-the-scenes “inside look.” This laziness is representative of the movie overall.

The biggest mistake is the filmmakers mistaking purity for innocence. The original has Mari Collingwood flaunting her newly developed feminine body by not wearing a bra; this new Mari sports white undies and rocks a flat chest. God forbid a woman WANTS to have sex and LOOKS like a real woman should. A woman is meant to either protect her sex or have it taken from her. And this is no more apparent as it is in Last House Redux. The original girls embraced their sexuality; that’s what made their outcome so horrific. Their sex and womanly transformation were meant to be something beautiful, not shameful. That was juxtaposed with the ugly acts later in the film.

“Pretty” here is blonde hair and flower panties. Anything outside of that world is “ugly.” Everything is Black or White, Good or Bad. The original knew better. Ugly was a wildly inappropriate song played during any given scene or the girls getting exactly what they asked for with chilling results or 2 women making love while being laughed at, so on.

The girl’s trip was symbolic of their journey to adulthood. Before, they were traveling to a concert with every intention of staying out on their own and exploring the world. Here? Mari has an overbearing mom who knows the dangers of the world.

Even the drug scene is lame. Before, the girls naively walk over to a stranger in the street thinking that scoring drugs problem-free is really that easy. They even blindly walk into a stranger’s apartment without thinking about it. Anybody make connections to free love and hippie-shit? Here, the girls score from a guy in their store and want to smoke out with him because that’s the cool thing to do.

The best friend Paige is different as well, and not for the better of course. Paige was supposed to be silent and strong and self-sacrificing. Here, Paige is obnoxious and stupid. I wanted that broad to die. Anything to get her off the screen quicker.

Jesus, even the female criminal isn’t allowed to play in the Boys Club. The bad girl villain Sadie was supposed to have no morals like the guys in her motley crew. She did as she FEELS; this one does as she is TOLD. It was bad enough a male writer is telling her what to do but now Krug does too. Before when Krug gave the best line of the film “Just lie back and enjoy being inferior,” Sadie didn’t put up with his shit. Here? The best line of dialogue has been removed and Sadie instead asks Krug for his approval. “Did I do good?” No, sweetie. Not even close. This is why a good female villain is so hard to come by in Hollywood. I’m not sure the men behind this film believed in their female characters or felt comfortable allowing them to think for themselves.

As for the guys? Here, they are just criminals on the run. Before, they were just a regular family on a joyride through life taking along a few passengers. In fact, I don’t think they were fully aware of how different they were from the rest of society until they sat down to that awkward dinner scene with the Collingwood parents in the original.

Krug circa 2009 is a tad boring and doesn’t really have a discernable personality. But that was the genius of David Hess’ performance in the original. He could deliver any line and make it sound real. He gave his character a reason for the bad behavior and a background. He got the story. So it’s no surprise to know that he made the wonderful soundtrack. The soundtrack here? A massacred Guns N’ Roses song that could have been spoofed better on SNL.

Justin, Krug’s son, is really a “good guy” who wants to help but cannot. Before, he had the opportunity to help and made the conscious decision NOT TO. He deserved his fate just as much as the others did. Now? He’s just a young, sad, lost boy who needed some fatherly guidance. Ohhh, poor thing. Well, maybe he’ll get it in 2009 because the Collingwood’s adopt him in the end. I wonder if Bruno will trade his iPod to adopt a Justin in the sequel.

They got the rape scene wrong too. Before, the focus was on Krug drooling on Mari like she was a dog or just a piece of sidewalk to spit on. The camera caught her looking dead in the eyes. Here, rape is just a couple of naked asses. I hope that teaches you children that rape is bad. The aftermath before had the camera zoom in on their uncomfortably bloodied hands and their unspoken desire to wash it all off. Now? No remorse at all, no feelings.

The most beautiful scene from the original- Mari walking off into the lake like a zombie while singing the “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” prayer and getting needlessly shot from behind as she was a willing recipient of death- is gone. Here?? Mari smashes Krug’s head like Rocky Balboa, dives into the English Channel dodging bullets like Steven fucking Segal. I was just waiting for her to miraculously stumble upon a Cessna and fly across the Atlantic like Amelia Earhart just to find help. Shit, I think I just wrote the sequel and it sounds genius. I expect more bare asses on screen and a royalty check in the mail.

Amazingly, the examination scene manages to be creepier than the rape scene itself. I really didn’t need to see the dad give his daughter mouth to mouth and then feel her up three times. In fact, he gives her entire body a thorough exam that concludes with him staring into her vagina like a tunnel to see what’s on the other side. What does he see? Major rape-age. Damn, he’s good.

The parents are “perfect” here. The dad is a doctor, the mom lights lots of candles, the house is clean. The original had the parents somewhat negligent to their own daughter and judgmental of their houseguests. This imperfection made them more human, more believable, and more relatable, especially when the killing begins.

“You might [want to remember today]. You’re safe; you’re together. That’s all that counts.”

That right there is the point of this pointless flick. Even if the daughter makes it safely back and everyone is reunited, they will never be the same. This movie ends with the family reunited. They are now heroes having saved the young boy Justin who was on the “wrong path”. And then they microwaved Krug’s head to really drive the point home. The ending shenanigans caused the movie to morph into SAW Part 13 and 1/2. Hand in the garbage disposal, Check. Head in the microwave, Double Check.

I never really understood the term Torture Porn. I didn’t get it. I want to see people die. I want to see blood. I prefer blood sprayed across the screen. Bonus points if it is done in an ingenious way. That’s why I didn’t get why people shit on SAW. I was thoroughly amused by the film. I wasn’t looking for a redeeming film. Who even cares if it doesn’t make sense? That’s sums up what is ultimately wrong with Last House Re-duh. It TELLS you that there is a perfectly good reason to putting a man’s hand down the garbage disposal. It TELLS you to cheer when a man’s head explodes in an open microwave. I can now attend church and know that the world is a better place because of this film. And thankfully, I feel safe in my apartment because I own a microwave.

The original Last House didn’t have you cheering at the end. You weren’t supposed to. You were horrified, not just by the criminals, but by the fact that there was little difference between them and the caring parents. The chainsaw used at the end of the original movie was out of desperation and sensibility and for laughs. Best of all, it worked.

Movie Review: Vinyan (2009)

Molly Celaschi — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:33:25 +0000

I guess I’ll start by saying my review will not be like the others. I was a bit disappointed and confused by this film, but sure enough, other reviewers blew this movie long and hard. I will not.

The basic premise is that a couple (played by Emmanuelle Beart and Rufus Sewell) travel into the dangerous jungles of Burmese looking for their missing son thinking he was captured by human traffickers. Rambo did not escort them, so they are not safe. Wife Janet slowly descends into madness while husband Paul still supports her lunacy. They run into monkeys and feral children. This ends badly inevitably.

There are a ton of comparisons to THE EMERALD FOREST, APOCALYPSE NOW, BEGOTTEN, and so on. The strong point of this film is obviously the gorgeous cinematography and the eerie music. But that is hardly enough to hold a horror fan’s interest. This is the type of film that will divide fans straight down the middle. You’ll have some calling it genius and others calling it boring as hell. I feel a little of both.

This film plays more like a character drama than a horror film. There is minimal gore, but some disturbing scenes. However, the huge block called the Second Act is very slow and will test the audience’s patience. This long stretch of running time consists of the couple walking through the forest silently for 10 minutes, riding a boat silently for another 10 minutes, laying bed silently for 10 minutes, etc.

As for the drama aspect, I believe people with children will appreciate this film more than a slightly younger generation would. It is hard to associate with a mother who has lost her child and the husband that will do anything to make her happy again. But it was rather interesting to see her go crazy towards the end. She barely even acknowledges her own husband whether she is stealing his money to pay for a ride or running away from him in search of something else or being completely detached during a sex act. But he is even more obsessed than her because despite knowing they are in danger, he goes along with the plan every step of the way. In the name of love, of course. Guess who pays for this.

I bet you want to hear about how Du Welz also directed CALVAIRE. Too bad. I didn’t like that film much either. But I will tell you about the awesome Rufus Sewell who stars in this. Most Americans know him as the jerk boyfriend of Kate Winslet in THE HOLIDAY. But nevermind that. He was in THE ILLUSIONIST, A KNIGHT’S TALE, DANGEROUS BEAUTY, and DARK CITY. Julie Dreyfus (not the chick from Seinfeld) was also in this. She has a minor part but dudes that liked her in KILL BILL will dig her here I guess.

The main reason why this film annoyed me is the title Vinyan. There is a line in the film, “When someone dies a horrible death, their spirit becomes confused and angry. It becomes…Vinyan.” What the hell does that even mean? There are no ghosts in this film. The film barely even deals with the missing son. It focuses on the mother’s love turned obsession turned madness. The main focus is on the couple and ultimately their resolution has nothing to do with the missing son. I won’t go on further, but the last scene is unsettling. Whether or not you want to put up with the rest of the film to get to it is up to you.

The Unborn and Odette Yustman’s Panties

Molly Celaschi — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:44:01 +0000

“It has fallen upon you to finish what was started in Auschwitz.”

Holy moly! Odette Yustman stars as Casey, a pretty chick in panties who must figure out why a creepy little kid is peeping on her. Instead of putting on clothes, she figures out that there is a ghost from some Jewish folklore, that nobody has ever heard about, that wants to be born. Plus some shit apparently went down at Aushwitz back in the day. Damn. An exorcism is performed, the day is saved, and I got to go home.

Well I guess I could start by saying that while we have already seen a shitload of exorcism and ghost movies recently, at least they tried to make something new by throwing in some Jewish mumbo jumbo. It sure beats all the damn Japanese remakes coming out. But…do Jews even do exorcisms?

There is some pretty cool disturbing imagery, such as Meagan Good’s face, which rivaled Mike Myer’s Pitka as Most Frightening Character in THE LOVE GURU. Other than that, you get a creepy kid in a rain slicker with a knife and a man-faced-dog thingy. These are likely to scare most theater-goers, except those already familiar with the rain slicker from ALICE, SWEET ALICE and the dog thingy from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS.

There is a cool chase scene through an old age home (old people are scary and smell funny!) and the climax is exciting enough. This PG-13 film is likely to turn on most weak hearted viewers, although anyone who has already seen THE EXORCIST will not be too impressed.

I should mention there are flashbacks to Nazi medical experiments involving needles in eyeballs. I found this rather tame compared to the demented Naziploitation films I’ve already seen, but I can hear the outcry now.

The movie was written and directed by David Goyer who I guess will be well known for directing XMEN ORIGINS soon. But I couldn’t care less about that. I’m more interested in him for having written DEMONIC TOYS and helping Alex Proyas with DARK CITY. Unfortunately, this movie will not earn him many accolades.

Yustman spends a good portion of the film fulfilling my editor’s fantasies by parading around in her underwear. I, too, am a firm believer that it is way hotter to see a chick in panties thinking hard than a chick popping her top and not thinking at all. Will she be the next big Scream Queen like WIL hinted at? Maybe. If she takes the Sarah Michelle Gellar route, then it might work. But other than CLOVERFIELD, she doesn’t appear to be sticking with horror. I have a feeling her manager will try to shift her towards dramas and action. Maybe she’ll learn how to shoot a gun while running in panties!

Overall, the story is not that great. But if you go into the film with a sense of humor, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. Like most shitty new horror films coming out, I view this mostly as a comedy. Homegirl gets her demons exorcised while wearing a ball gag (hot!) and Gary Oldman plays a rabbi with magical powers. So at least I was entertained.

Interview: Bruce Campbell

Molly Celaschi — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:08:13 +0000

Horror fan favorite Bruce Campbell has finally made the movie he’s always wanted- a movie directed by him starring him playing himself!

My Name is Bruce is his second directorial outing after the critically panned The Man with the Screaming Brain. But no worries. Bruce has come back with a more entertaining ride and is slipping back into his former Evil Dead clothing. Well, sort of. Bruce plays himself, the actor who played Ash from the Evil Dead series, who becomes a real life hero when he is asked to protect a small town from an unleashed demon.

I had the pleasure of speaking with him about his project…and a few other ones like continuation of the Evil Dead series and Bubba Hotep 2.

Horror Yearbook: What was it like directing your second feature, My Name is Bruce, compared to The Man with the Screaming Brain?

Bruce Campbell: We had a lot of more money. That and everything else. We made that for Sci-Fi channel. We shot that in Bulgaria, which doesn’t necessarity mean it was good for the movie. The difference was pretty much night and day.

Mark Verheiden who wrote The Mask, Timecop, Battlestar Galatica, came to me with My Name is Bruce. And I said let’s go crazy; let’s do it. So that’s how it started a couple years ago.

HYB: So Mark wrote it without consulting you first? He pitched it to you?

BC: No, one of the producers pitched a rough concept and all that crap and then Mark went from there. You know, it’s a long process.

HYB: Is this movie similar to The 3 Amigos?

BC: The premise is similar, but it’s a horror movie disguised as a comedy.

HYB: I noticed it was rated R. Is this meant to be a comedy or a horror movie with some humor?

BC: Uh, I hope poeple do not come here looking for Saw 9. This is not Hostel. This is a bit of a throwback to a Bob Hope movie that happens to have a monster. This is more like Abbott and Costello Meets Frankenstein. Look, I don’t need to make people squirm and feel bad. This isn’t like Evil Dead. There are different types of horror and everything in between. With, My Name is Bruce, they will be entertained.

HYB: In this film, What is something you’ve been able to get away with that you might not have been otherwise?

BC: Haha, everything! There is nothing I wasn’t able to do with this and nothing is missing. So if it sucks, then I will absolutely take full responsibilty.

HYB: Was there anything you wanted to include, but couldn’t?

BC: No, not really. I’m a realist so when I write I know what I can direct. Sometimes we think, “That’s gonna cost too much, so let’s cut that back a little.” The whole movie takes place on my property. I built a whole western town on my property in OR.

HYB: Did you take it down?

BC: I can’t! So I’ll leave it there.

HYB: Now you’re going to have fans coming out there as tourists.

BC: Nah, I live out in the middle of nowhere. I don’t even have cell service there.

HYB: What kind of baddies are you fighting in My Name is Bruce? Is it one monster or multiple demons?

BC: There is one monster in a small town in OR- The Chinese God of War

HYB: Do you have your boomstick in this?

BC: There might be a reference to it…

HYB: Do you get a love interest in this one?

BC: Yes, a very sophmoric one. A small town girl, a small town mom.

HYB: Do you actually get her?

BC: Well, that’s debateable.

HYB: What’s (former co-star) Ellen Sandweiss doing in this?

BC: Her name is oddly Cheryl, a reference to her character in Evil Dead. She comes at him as the most terrifying thing of all- an ex wife.

HYB: Do you have any scenes with her?

BC: Not in this one.

HYB: Can I ask you about other films?

BC: I can talk about whatever I want.

HYB: I’m sure you’re sick of being asked about Evil Dead 4 or the remake.

BC: It’s difficult to make and it takes years.

HYB: If you had your chioce, Would you prefer the sequel following up where the third left off or you coming back as an older Ash? Or would you rather have the remake of the original featuring younger actors?

BC: I would rather… NEITHER one. Look, there’s a simple logic to it, if the opportunity presents itself. If there is a good story and Sam wants to do it and I want to do it, then sure, we’ll do a Part 4. A remake, I’m not interested. Maybe if it was done in a retro fashion like the original… You have to understand that the older we get and the more we do other movies, we think about that movie less and less. You have to understand that there is no ill will, that’s just life.

HYB: What if they remade it, but put in younger actors and Zac Efron played you and it was rated PG-13. Would that make you sick to yourstomach?

BC: Yes it would. First of all, there is no such thing as a PG-13 horror movie. If it is, then it’s not horror. My movie is rated R because there’s blood and such.

HYB: How do you feel about Ron Perlman taking over your role as Elvis in Bubba Hotep 2?

BC: It’s fine because as an actor you have to understand that you don’t own this character. There are a lot of cool ideas in this script. Ron has probably worn more SFX make up than I have, so if anyone’s going under the knife for 3 hours, it might as well be him.

HYB: So the problem was that you didn’t agree with some of the ideas in the script?

BC: Yeah we couldn’t agree on a couple of things. So I said, Let’s stop and walk away before it becomes something terrible. Paul Giammatti came on as Colonel Tom Parker and I think he brought in some of his own money.

HYB: Yes, I think he brought in his own company.

BC: It will be fun. And whatever. I look forward to seeing it.

HYB: What is your next big project or the thing you are most excited to promote besides My Name is Bruce?

BC: I’ve been working for over 2 seasons on cable’s number one show Burn Notice. So I’m going back to that.

HYB: How long is your contract? Just one more season?

BC: I signed a 5 year deal, but it is all up to them.

HYB: Are you developing anything new like another book or script?

BC: My Name Is the movie I’ve always wanted to make. I’m done with that. Just more of the same. It’s all about working with the freedoms you have. So that’s what I’m looking for. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last few years; writing books and directing movies.

I’m inclined to believe that My Name is Bruce will rock considering how passionate Bruce is about his project. Bruce will be touring around the country doing Q&A sessions for each of his major city theater openings, so make sure to catch him in person if you can. I for one, will try to catch him in California.

Wednesday, November 19th – Columbus, OH
Wednesday, November 19th – Toledo, OH
Friday, November 21st – Detroit, MI
Friday, November 28th – Chicago, IL
Friday, December 5th – Minneapolis, MN
Friday, December 12th – Seattle, WA
Friday, December 12th – Portland, OR
Wednesday, December 17th – San Francisco, CA
Wednesday, December 17th – Berkeley, CA
Friday, December 19th – Los Angeles, CA

Dead Space Behind the Scenes Video and Interview

Molly Celaschi — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:32:54 +0000

I had the pleasure of swinging by the EA Redwood studios to test the upcoming Dead Space video game. And by “swing by,” I mean take approximately 4 hours to get in. But damn it was worth the wait. First, I got to walk around a number of cool cubicles (I swear these lucky bastards have the coolest posters and toys, not to mention their very own friggen Starbucks and arcade area). I talked to Ben Swanson, the community manager, who gave me swag to take home. This immediately scored points for EA. Then I interviewed Art Director Ian Milham, which you must watch or else. But forget all that for now. What you really want to hear about is my experience with producer Rich Briggs who took me into a dark room with lots of couches. Sounds dirty, but this is serious work people. I got to play Dead Space on the big screen (actually about 3 big screens) while my cameraman Jesus Cruz complained that I was taking too long. He was just jealous.

I can’t even remember the levels I played, but by god I remember what the hell occurred in them. The atmosphere of the game is great. I felt like Lieutenant Fucking Ripley walking down the corridors waiting for those alien punks to jump out at me at any moment. The sound is amazing and I squealed several times. Seriously. This was caught on video. At one point, I just stood in a doorway trying to change my camera angles to see where the little prick was running around. Didn’t work. They just pop out of everywhere and move quickly, so good luck trying to predict where they will show up next.

By the far the most awesomest (is that a word?) room was the zero gravity area. I was able to jump to different sides and upside down while searching for a door. Oh and then those things came after me. Add a few floating dead bodies to confuse the hell out of me and I was flying around all over the place in a glorious panic.

You get to upgrade weapons by using nodes. You probably already read about this earlier somewhere else, I hope, and don’t need me to explain things again. So I’ll just tell you that I played with the Ripper, which is a circular saw that shoot blades one by one. This seemed relatively powerful. Then I used a Flamethrower (always a favorite!) to toast some critters like marshmellows. The best one to start with is the simple Ore Cutter (or Line Gun) mainly because it allows for larger area damage due to its three dot pointer for accuracy. Hard to screw up a shot with that. But I don’t believe it is as strong as some of the others. I also got to stomp the shit out of aliens just for shits and giggles. Even the stomping and whacking after their deaths reward you with blood splatter.

In addition to the bomb ass weapons, our dude can use psychokinesis. His super brain can move objects (used to help solve puzzles and what not). He can also use stasis to freeze or slow down enemies. This is particularily helpful during boss battles or when you need to reload or when you just feel overwhelmed by baddies.

The overall feel of the game is creepy and exciting. I’m reminded of Resident Evil 4 with the over-the-shoulder camera angle and the regenerating thingies. Speaking of regeneration, this looks a lot like John Carpenter’s The Thing, the game and movie. Story-wise I recalled old ass Martian Gothic (PS1, 2001), which can apparently only be located in my personal collection. Fans of Parasite Eve 2, Doom 3, and Quake 4 will feel at home here.

So the Dead Space team did such a kick ass job that they finished it early. Hooray! Hopefully the rest of the game plays as well as everything I saw so far. If that’s the case, this may easily be one of the Top Ten Games of 2008.

The release date is October 14th 2008. Get yourself a copy and prove me right.

Bloodsucking Cinema (2008) Movie Review

Molly Celaschi — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:51:13 +0000

‘Well, they got the suck right. Too bad it lacked real bite.’ Hardy har. That is what I would say if I wrote for some weak ass horror site. But I don’t, so let’s get down to it.

The cover proclaims this documentary follows ‘the origin and evolution of the vampire movie.’ While it does cover most of the evolution of the vampire image in the last 10 years, it ultimately fails to acknowledge some of the biggest contributors over the course of its history.

The majority covered are current films, which hardly brush upon the vampire mythos. Look, I’m not even all that jazzed about vampires to begin with. (My editor WIL would say that is because 1. I was never molested as a young child, and 2. I’m not a fat chick that can’t get laid.) But when I think vampires, immediately I am reminded of Christopher Lee’s Dracula films, Jean Rollin’s psuedo-intelligent sex romps, German Impressionist magical movie Nosferatu, or Jess Franco’s sleazy lesbo flicks. Foreign films barely register in this documentary. Some old school films barely talked about/ clips included are Mark of the Vampire (1935), Nosferatu (’22), and Todd Browning’s Dracula (’31), and Hammer films.

For the brief history covered, the only thing mentioned is Vlad the Impaler and they even manage to get that wrong. Vlad was not thought to be a vampire in the 1400s. All cultures have some kind of fear of the undead that date back hundreds of years. But Vlad wasn’t introduced into the vampire folklore until Bram Stoker alluded to it in his Dracula.

The allure of vampires is lightly touched upon with some talk of sexiness, immortality, and oral sex. How this is a part of some people’s lives on a regular basis is completely ignored. Sorry Goth kids.

As for fiction, Anne Rice was covered of course. But what about John Polidori’s The Vampyre which was the catalyst to vampire romantisism? And what about Bram Stoker’s Dracula novel? What about Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem Cristabel which sparked lesbianism in vampire tales?

Also, left out are TV series Dark Shadows, the Twilight novels, Blacula, Werner Herzog’s 1979 remake of Nosferatu, etc. I could go on, but my fingers are running out of breath. But serisouly folks, do I really need to hear Stephen Sommers yap about the crap film Van Helsig?

Granted, horror vets like John Carpenter, Greg Nicotero, Stan Winston, John Landis, Joel Schumacher, Cory Haim (our favorite crackhead), and Cheech Marin (our favorite pothead) contribute. Note- Surprisingly, Cheech gives good commentary about sexy bloodsuckers being symbolic of Catholics guilt for wanting something tempting and forbidden.

But then you have horror-lite newcomers like Kristanna Loken and Stuart Townsend who hardly have a right discussing the topic. And where the hell was Wes Craven (Vampire in Brooklyn, Dracula 2000, etc.)? Kathryn Bigelow and her near-perfect Near Dark? Or George Romero, who created one of the best vampire tales, Martin, ever? What the fuck about Tobe Hooper, who directed Salem’s Lot? Where is Christopher Lee discussing his numerous appearances on film as Dracula? Hell, I would have even settled for Sarah Michelle Gellar bandying about Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

What they did get right for the most part was discussing how something that we once feared evolved into something we desire. Vampires are looked at like rock stars today. We no longer run from these beings, but long to be like them. Evolution, accordingly to Starz, is Western (Carpenter’s Vampires), Animated (Vampire Hunter D), Rock ‘n Roll (Queen of the Damned), Punk (Lost Boys), Revenge (Innocent Blood), Underground wars (Underworld), and Urban Superheroes (Blade).

This coverage is decent for a 57 minute doc. But realistically, it should have been about 2-3 hours if it were really going to cover the true origin and evolution. I have a feeling this doc is severely lacking because the writer/director behind it has zero experience in the horror industry at all.

Best Rant: Carpenter going on about how he would like to be immortal and how he would intentionally kill himself by walking into sunlight.

Rating: 3/10

The Flesh Keeper – DVD Review

Molly Celaschi — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:39:26 +0000

A group of friends are stranded in the woods after their car breaks down. They stumble up on the house of a sadistic family and find their secret locked downstairs. Ah hell, I’ll tell you it is a metal mouth with an appetite for human flesh. Sound familiar?

Now you can’t give a horror movie reviewer a movie like this and expect me not to pick up on all the “homages” to classic horror films. The sledgehammer whack is a near copy of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. You even have a Bill Moseley character straight out of THE DEVIL’S REJECTS sporting a bloodied goatee and a gross pot belly. Clint Glenn runs in nothing but his undies, a veil of blood, and a chainsaw accessory. Tell me you don’t think of Christian Bale in AMERICAN PSYCHO. Luckily for Glenn, and the lady viewers, he can pull it off. Yummy.

And while some of these mentions may annoy the hell out of some people who would refer to them as rip offs, I think some of these cases should be considered more like updates. For instance, everyone knows the obligatory “dinner scene” that accompanies most cannibal or torture porn flicks. Well, surprise! It’s here too. But at least Nott made it his own. When I saw the victims sitting around a table, I rolled my eyes. But then it turned into an interesting game when the victims are prodded into selling out their own friends and negotiating body parts. You will giggle with glee when you hear one girl say, “Cut the bitch’s eyes out.”

The cast from Nott’s previous THE QUICK AND THE UNDEAD appear here as well, which is not a bad thing since I am fond of Glenn and actress Erin McCarthy. But the stand out actor was Parrish Randall. He reminds me of a young Harvey Keitel straight out of the old biker movies. Homeboy is confined to a wheelchair, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to rape a victim fully capable of running away!

Some other Texas filmmakers helped out on the production as well like Mel House (CLOSET SPACE) and Stacey Davidson (SWEATSHOP). As an added bonus, you see Mel get shot! Also included in the mix is a Minnie Driver looka-like, a Token Black, and a redneck that says, “We ain’t got no diggity dang coolant.”

The lighting and sound were a problem at times, but when you are getting wrapped up in seeing people butchered, who really gives a fuck anyway. And that is one of the best selling points in Nott’s film. That he doesn’t scrimp in the gore department and he maintained action through out the majority of the film.

Favorite Quote: “You spittin’ in my face, you face-spittin’ motherfucker!”

Bottom Line: Definitely recommended for Texas Chainsaw Massacre fans. This will fit in nicely with your collection.

Rating: 7/10

The Haunting of Molly Hartley Synopsis and Pictures

Molly Celaschi — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:44:03 +0000

Alright so the title got my attention based on the name alone. (Ahem, Molly…). But when I read who was involved in this, I was nearly bored to tears. Seeing gaysexual Chace Crawford who stars on Gossip Girl with his real life boyfriend and the producer of Everwood attached didn’t impress me.

But then I opened the stills and saw one chick bleeding from her chest and another chick fondling a girl while stabbing her, so this film may have hope yet. Uh, this is rated R right? Cool.

I am just waiting for my genius editor to concoct some kind of weird advertising using their “I Know What You Are Molly” promo and my face. And yeah, that teaser poster is kind of a lame rip-off of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, which wasn’t a good movie anyway.

The movie is opening this Halloween, but not sure if it is a wide release yet. They will have to compete with the equally gay-licious SAW IV though, so good luck!

Twilight Trailer and Stills

Molly Celaschi — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:05:14 +0000

Twilight is a vampire movie coming to theaters 12/12/08. Which confused the hell out of me because I originally thought this was a TV show. But never mind that. It stars Kristen Stewart (that chick from THE MESSENGERS). What really interests me is that this was directed by Catherine Hardwicke (THIRTEEN), so you know these teens will do some dirty things. Hardwicke is even cooler because she also worked on FREAKED and TANK GIRL. Yeah!

As with most vampire tales, this does not skimp on the homoerotic undertones. Or as clearly stated in the picture of two dudes kind of making out, homoerotic overtones. I particularly fancy the men wearing belly shirts and staring admiringly in the mirror at other men. The chicks are cute and the men more so. The only way the leading guy could have been any prettier is if they hired Zac Efron instead. The press release stating he is “dazzling beautiful” makes me giggle.

And for your geeky viewing pleasure, here is the trailer that teaches you that even scrawny guys can get the girl….by literally falling on top of her in obscene ways and then dragging her ass through windows. Emo boys unite. Brood hard and long.

Trailer below

Synopsis:

TWILIGHT is an action-packed, modern day love story between a vampire and a human. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has always been a little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother remarries and sends Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks, Washington, she doesn’t expect much of anything to change. Then she meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a boy unlike any she’s ever met. Intelligent and witty, he sees straight into her soul. Soon, Bella and Edward are swept up in a passionate and decidedly unorthodox romance. Edward can run faster than a mountain lion, he can stop a moving car with his bare hands – and he hasn’t aged since 1918. Like all vampires, he’s immortal. But he doesn’t have fangs, and he doesn’t drink human blood; Edward and his family are unique among vampires in their lifestyle choice. To Edward, Bella is that thing he has waited 90 years for – a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. But what will Edward & Bella do when James (Cam Gigandet), Laurent (Edi Gathegi) and Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre), the Cullens’ mortal vampire enemies, come to town, looking for her?

‘Til Death Do Us Part (aka Love You to Death) Season 1 Review

Molly Celaschi — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 16:40:39 +0000

You’ve probably seen the TV promos where John Waters introduces love and murder vignettes on CourtTV. So are these Real Tales From Darkside any good? The show is just as cheesy as you could hope from the guy who made Divine eat dog shit in Pink Flamingos.

Honest to god, the series opens with a lovely married couple. The wife turns to her new husband and says, “Now that we’re married I need you to be completely honest with me – Do I look fat in this dress?” As if a size 8 actress playing “plus size” wasn’t insulting enough, the lady has to be that fucking down on herself to ask such a stupid question while standing on an altar? The cheese continues with Walters catching the bouquet like the diva he is. If it were anyone else, I probably wouldn’t tolerate this lunacy.

The majority of the male and female characters are played as stereotypes. The women are little more than boring housewives or sluts that fuck their way in and out of murder schemes. Considering these stories are based on real people that most likely have serious psychological disorders, going a tad deeper with the source material should have been easy. But some episodes are directed by a guy who spent a good deal of his career working on tacky day soaps like The Bold and The Beautiful. ‘Nuff said.

All the episodes are schmaltzy- like a guy getting hit by a flying kid while plotting a murder (!) or Jehovah Witnesses conveniently showing up to annoy the fuck out of a wife after a killing. The Strip Club Murders upped the ante with the involvement of a lesbian tryst. (SPOILER ALERT) But The Clown Case was by far the best episode with its bizarre inclusion of a clown lover who…winds up being an alternate personality for a delusional housewife.

Episodes like the May-December romance are fun because the situation is already laughable. But the episodes dealing with real love, lost dreams, and broken families are just downright depressing and the goofy manner in which they are handled just seems irresponsible. A husband telling his devoted wife, “I will set the house on fire with you in it” practically gave me a panic attack.

Episode Listings and my drunken ratings:

The Clown Case – Best episode and features perverted clown sex!
The Strip Club Murder – Lesbian strippers and a douchebag extraordinaire
The Airplane Murder – Stupid old man gets punk’d from beyond the grave
Funeral Parlor Murder – Uhhh, “plus size” lady kept fat by nutty husband
Time Capsule Murder – Mildly depressing about a loser husband
Storage Unit Murder – Very depressing about – guess what? – a loser husband
Car Keys Murder – Slutty McSlut turned in by her slutty male slut
The Bog Murder – (I passed out and missed this…)
The In-Law Murders – (I passed out and missed this…)
The Pond Scum Murder – (I passed out and missed this…)
The Beauty Queen Murder – (I passed out and missed this…)
A Christmas Murder – I passed out, but this sounds awesome…
Murder Mystery Weekend – I passed out, but this sounds awesome…

DVD Extras: Interviews with Hanes, Waters, and two executive producers. “New introductions” by Waters for each episode. There’s also a nice tri-fold case holding the DVDs with a 16 page glossy booklet featuring summaries of all 13 episodes.

Bottom Line: A decent watch on late night TV, but not worth buying the DVD to watch all of these episodes back to back. Well, maybe when you are drunk.

Rating: 7/10

Masters of Horror Season 2 Box Set

Molly Celaschi — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:48:41 +0000

Anchor Bay has managed to squeeze all 13 episodes of the Season 2 of Masters of Horror into a friggen’ human skull and are selling this bad boy for about $86.97 to be released on July 29th. It is being discounted to $60.99 if you pre-purchase it. But figure out early on if you want one of these because it is limited to only 15,000 units.

The Season Two Box Set features each episode in anamorphic widescreen (1.78:1) and Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound. Each disc has director commentaries, behind-the-scenes featurettes, still galleries, storyboards, trailers, and DVD-ROM screenplays.

Here is the full list of the 13 Season Two episodes, alphabetically by director. Only a few of these includes reviews by Horror Yearbook because we are drunk and lazy most of the time.

Brad Anderson’s Sounds Like:

Listening is a way of life for call center supervisor Larry Pearce (Chris Bauer, 8MM). But ever since his young son’s tragic death, Larry’s hearing has slowly intensified. With hearing bordering on the superhuman, he must now contend with simple noises magnified into a cacophony of torment. In a world where nothing screams louder than the madness of grief, how far will one man go to obtain absolute silence?

Dario Argento’s Pelts:

Typical Argento. Struggling fur trader Jake Feldman (Meat Loaf) knows that you can?t make a coat without breaking a few animals? necks. When he creates a luxurious fur coat from an unusual family of raccoons, he doesn?t realize that this exquisite fur coat does more than just dazzle the eye ? it possesses animal desires and the power to exact revenge.

READ REVIEW

John Carpenter’s Pro-Life:

When young Angelique (Caitlin Wachs) seeks to end an unwanted (and seemingly life-threatening) pregnancy, her devoutly religious, fervent pro-life father Dwayne (Ron Perlman) will stop at nothing to prevent it. As Dwayne and his three sons attempt to rescue Angelique, she discovers that the only thing more dangerous than her would-be saviors is the demonic secret growing within her.

READ REVIEW

Joe Dante’s The Screwfly Solution:

My personal favorite. Around the world, normal male sexual urges have suddenly mutated into violent rage, resulting in a tidal wave of horrific murders targeting women. Two scientists (Jason Priestley, “Beverly Hills 90210” and Elliott Gould, Ocean’s Eleven) are locked in a desperate race against time to figure out how and why the war between the sexes turned homicidal. Is a mysterious virus making every red-blooded man a potential lady-killer?

Ernest Dickerson’s The V Word:

For geeky best friends Kerry (Arjay Smith) and Justin (Branden Nadon), who’ve only experienced carnage via their video games, it’s the ultimate midnight quest: they want to see a real corpse. But when the pair breaks into a local mortuary, they unleash a ferocious ghoul (Michael Ironside, Scanners, Starship Troopers) who’s hungry to share a few depraved urges of his own.

Mick Garris’ Valerie on the Stairs:

This wasn’t very good. Adapted from the Clive Barker story, Valerie on the Stairs stars Tyron Leitso (Dinotopia) as Rob Hanisee, an unpublished writer living at a commune for aspiring and broke novelists. Rob suspects that the house may be haunted by more than just the specters of failed authors when Valerie, a gorgeous apparition, appears in the hallway. Rob believes that he has found his muse, yet the ghost of this beautiful woman cries out in fear of a beast who owns her — body and soul. Tony Todd (Candyman) and Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future) co-star.

Stuart Gordon’s The Black Cat:

Edgar Allan Poe (Jeffrey Combs) is suffering from crippling writer’s block, he’s deeply in debt and barely takes care of himself, tending only to his loving but ailing wife Virginia (Elyse Levesque). He tends to her, burdened with the knowledge that he cannot save her. But is it his wife’s slow, agonizing death or her ever-present black cat that is steadily driving him insane?

READ REVIEW

Tobe Hooper’s The Damned Thing:

Adapted from the classic short story by famed author Ambrose Bierce, The Damned
Thing stars Sean Patrick Flannery (The Boondock Saints) as Kevin Reddle, who, as a boy, watched helplessly as both of his parents were brutally murdered by an inexplicable force. Now a county sheriff in the tiny hamlet of Cloverdale, Kevin faces the nightmarish prospect that it might have returned ready to kill again, and once again it’s after his family.

Tom Holland’s We All Scream for Ice Cream:

We All Scream for Ice Cream stars William Forsythe (The Rock) as Buster the Clown, a mentally challenged man who drives an ice cream truck. One day while on his daily route, a group of kids plays a cruel prank with tragic consequences. Years later, the same group, now adults with families of their own, is slowly being exterminated by their own children. Buster and his ice cream truck have returned for the sweet revenge that will leave their children screaming for ice cream and their parents screaming for mercy.

READ REVIEW

John Landis’ Family:

Harold Thompson (George Wendt) is a mild-mannered bachelor living in an idyllic, sun-drenched planned community. Unbeknownst to his neighbors, he harbors a deadly secret as he builds the perfect family. When a young couple moves next door, Harold sets his sights on the sexy young wife (Meredith Monroe) as his potential new bride. Amid the manicured lawns and white picket fences, can Harold hide his monstrous secret long enough to complete his gruesome goal?

Rob Schmidt’s Right to Die:

Right to Die stars Martin Donovan (Weeds) as Cliff Addison, a man harboring a guilty secret from his wife Abby (Julia Anderson) he is committing adultery. However, after a car accident leaves Abby’s body covered in burns, she repeatedly flat-lines, only to be revived each time. During the brief periods when she is clinically dead, her apparition seeks vengeance on those who stand to profit from her suffering, including a slick attorney (Corbin Bernsen, L.A. Law).

Norio Tsuruta’s Dream Cruise:

Adapted from a short story by the legendary Japanese horror novelist Koji Suzuki (Ringu), Dream Cruise stars Daniel Gillies (Spider-Man 2) as an American attorney working in Japan. He also harbors a crippling fear of the ocean, due to a childhood trauma. Even more threatening waters lie ahead when he begins a dangerous affair with the wife of a wealthy client (Ryo Ishibashi, Audition, The Grudge). When the trio embarks on a sunset boat trip, the stage is set for a tragic showdown between those who love and those who will kill to keep what is theirs. Features the complete theatrical cut.

Peter Medak’s The Washingtonians:

Supposedly the worst of the bunch. Johnathon Schaech (That Thing You Do) stars in and co-adapted Bentley Little’s short story that sheds a new (bloody) light on American history. Saul Rubinek (Unforgiven) co-stars in this gruesome tale about the discovery of a Revolutionary War artifact that suggests George Washington’s famed wooden teeth hungered for more than just liberty.

RIP: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’s Ken Grampa Evert Passed Away

Molly Celaschi — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:44:56 +0000

It is with great sadness that we report that Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’s beloved Grampa, Ken Evert, passed away from cancer on April 1, 2008, at the Christopher House Hospice in Texas.

Ken was just 56 years old. He passed amongst his closest friends.

Leonard Kenneth Evert was a Vietnam War veteran.

He was a wonderful character actor, but is best known for his performance as Grampa in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Besides this classic horror film, he had numerous other stage and film credits.

The Horror Yearbook crew met Ken recently at the Austin Texas Fangoria convention. Our resident DP, Jesus Cruz, remembers him fondly,

“I’m sad to hear of the passing of Ken Evert. I got a chance to take a picture with him at the Fango Con in Austiin and he was a very cool guy. After we took the picture, Molly, WIL and myself went to the bar to get wasted.

After a while, Ken made his way to the bar and sits next to WIL. He orders a beer, which I gladly paid for and he thanked me by nodding his head (I think he had a hard time speaking). When Ken finished his beer, Molly noticed that he took out a pocketknife and immediately tells WIL that he might die. Ken then proceeded to take the knife and makes a cutting motion to his wrist, which freaked me out because I thought he was slashing his wrist.

What happened was he had cut off his Fango wristband and autographed it for me. He handed it to me and then took off. That was one of the coolest gifts I’ve ever gotten. Too bad that my drunk ass ended up loosing the wristband at the airport, but I’ll always remember Ken Evert and that moment at Fango Con. R.I.P. Ken.”

A memorial event will be scheduled. For any Fans who wish to send their condolences and/or funeral expense contributions may do so at:

Mike Malone
2109 Brookhill Drive
Austin, TX 78745