Who was chosen and why?

Actors who appeared and participated in any hardcore adult film. No softcore and no porn cameos (They must have been involved with some kind of penetration).

Basically the name says it all read on…

Uncensored SheSoCrazy.com version coming soon!

Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991) starring Veronica Hart

AVN Hall of Fame Inductee Veronica Hart teams up with Joe Sharkey in this black comedy about a chainsaw wielding serial killer terrorizing the women of Pittsburgh. Hart is famous for starring in the adult film Amanda By Night, and was the inspiration for Amber Waves in Boogie Nights.

Other Recommended Film(s): One-Eyed Monster with Ron Jeremy
Cafe Flesh 2

Synopsis from AMCTV.com – This daffy, hit-and-miss gore comedy was apparently conceived as a parody of Herschell Gordon Lewis’ splatter landmark Blood Feast, which, frankly, represents too easy a target. There are no actual Pharaohs involved, only a crazed figure in a fez who roams the streets of Pittsburgh slicing, axing and chainsawing naughty ladies of the night, then absconding with various stolen body parts. The killings mimic the M.O. of a Las Vegas-based occult serial killer who was shot dead by a slouchy cop (Joe Sharkey) more than a decade ago — a cop who has been haunted by the case ever since.

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003) starring Ginger Lynn Allen, Chasey Lain, Taylor Hayes, and Jenna Jameson

The idea behind Evil Breed was simple; make a horror movie starring a bunch of porn stars, however, the film was heavily censored and re-shot ruining what could have potentially been a great film. Read Samhain Director apologizes… And provides some clarifications!

Other Recommended Film(s): Dreamquest w/Jenna Jameson
New Wave Hookers w/Ginger Lynn

Synopsis – Two American tourists on a romantic camping trip are brutally murdered. A few days later, during the ancient festival of Samhain, a group of American university students moves into a beautiful cottage, surrounded by a lush forest and a majestic lake They are here to learn about the rituals of the ancient Druids and other Celtic legends. But in the remains of an abandoned copper mine, lives the ancestors of an incestuous clan of cannibals. Stalked by a hulking, disfigured mutant, the students and their chaperone are in for the most harrowing time of their young lives. And keeping their heads on their necks will become their main concern..

Andre the Butcher (2005) starring Ron Jeremy

One of the most famous male porn stars and the mayor of Tromaville, Ron Jeremy, stars as Andre the Butcher in this direct-to-DVD slasher film. If you don’t know who Ron Jeremy is you shouldn’t even be reading this list. He is the star in over 1,750 adult films, and is one of the few porn stars who has successfully crossed over to main stream pop culture, starring in movies like Reindeer Games and celebrity reality TV shows like The Surreal Life.

Other Recommended Film(s): Poultrygeist

Synopsis – When a group of cheerleaders on their way to a competition get into a car accident, they are forced to venture deep into the isolated backwoods of Florida to find help. They soon discover that they are not alone: two escaped convicts on a desperate bid for freedom take the young girls hostage in an old abandoned hunting lodge and have a tense stand-off with local law enforcement. Things really start to fall to pieces when legendary kille Andre the Butcher – named for his occupation in his former life – hones in on his prey. Now, The Butcher has two new jobs: harvesting souls for hell and devouring the human remains of his victims. Whether cheerleaders, convicts or law enforcers, they all taste the same to him!

Zombie Strippers (2008) starring Jenna Jameson

The once hot Jenna Jameson built a porn empire while becoming one of the most famous porn actors in history. Much like Jeremy she was also successful in crossing over into the mainstream and she eventually retired from porn. Zombie Strippers was her first non-porn movie after her she left the business, and it also stars Robert Englund and Jameson’s current boyfriend Tito Ortiz. The film takes place in a George Bush controlled dystopic future where public nudity is outlawed, and the U.S. is in war with several other countries. When experiments to revive the dead as soldiers goes wrong, an underground strip club is infected with a zombie virus… You can probably guess the rest.

Other Recommended Film(s): Howard Stern’s Private Parts
See Evil Breed above

The Devil’s Rejects (2005) starring Ginger Lynn Allen

In Rob Zombie’s Devils Rejects Captain Spaulding gets to bang the woman of his dreams, porn star Ginger Lynn Allen. Allen tried launching a singing career, starred in the video game Wing Commander with Mark Hamill and had a few bit parts in films like Young Guns II. However, she never really made the transition from porn slut to movie star.

Other Recommended Film(s) Illusions of Ecstasy
Ginger’s Sex Asylum

Synopsis from IMDB.com – In Ruggsville, Texas, the police under the command of Sheriff John Quincy Wydell attack the house of the sadistic serial killers Firefly family (a.k.a. The Devil’s Reject) and they arrest mother Firefly, but Otis B. Driftwood and Baby Firefly escape from the siege. Tiny is wandering nearby the house and also escapes. Otis and Baby call their patriarch, the mad clown Captain Spaulding and they schedule to reunite at an isolated motel in the desert. When Otis and Baby arrive, they kidnap two families of singers, using sadism and violence against the harmless persons. Meanwhile, Sheriff Wydell promises to capture and kill the runaways, seeking revenge for the death of his brother, the Deputy George Wydell.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1981) starring Michelle Bauer

Fred Olen Ray’s masterpiece starring Linnea Quigley, Gunnar Hansen and the versatile Michelle Bauer. Bauer starred in Stephen Sayadian’s (Party Doll A Go- Go!) must see Cafe Flesh — a movie mainstream Hollywood should really consider remaking. Bauer was also Penthouse magazine’s Pet of the Month for July 1981

Other Recommended Film(s) Cafe Flesh
Night Dreams II
Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge

Synopsis: – Jack Chandler is a private eye tracking down Samantha the runaway. In his travels, he comes across a gang of chainsaw weilding prostitutes that like to carve people up for their cult.

Blade (1988) starring Traci Lords

Traci Lords paved the way for porn stars like Jenna Jameson using a fake ID to jump start her adult film career at the age of 15. After her underage scandal broke, she moved on to non-porn films starting with Jim Wynorski’s Not of This Earth. In 1998 she appeared in the film Blade, the vampire movie that proved comic books could be adapted into decent films.

Other Recommended Film(s) Not of This Earth
Shock ‘Em Dead
Cry-Baby

Synopsis – In a world where vampires walk the earth, Blade has a goal. His goal is to rid the world of all vampire evil. When Blade witnesses a vampire bite Dr. Karen Jenson, he fights away the beast and take Jenson back to his hideout. Here, alongside Abraham Whistler, Blade attempts to help heal Jenson. The vampire Quinn who was attacked by Blade, reports back to his master Deacon Frost, who is planning a huge surprise for the human population.

Rabid (1977) starring Marilyn Chambers

Marilyn Chambers will always have a special place in horror fans hearts for playing Rose in David Cronenberg’s Rabid. Chambers also appeared in the porn classic, Behind the Green Door. Her last film before she died on April 12, 2009 was Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie. R.I.P.

Other Recommended Film(s) Behind the Green Door

Synopsis – After undergoing radical surgery for injuries from a motorcycle accident, a young woman develops a strange phallic growth on her body and a thirst for human blood — the only nourishment that will now sustain her. Vampire-like, she prowls the city of Montreal, using her sexual powers to attract victims, who she then infects with a particularly virulent strain of rabies. In no time at all, the city is reduced to a raging mass of rabid, salivating monsters and only an army of machine-gun-wielding soldiers can subdue them. David Cronenberg’s horror film explores the relationships between sex and violence, between bodily disintegration and the disintegration of society.
Hard to Die (1991) starring Monique Gabrielle

Director Jim Wynorski may not like it, but his films are known for featuring women with big tits, and of course the occasional porn star. Hard to Die aka Sorority House Massacre features both, including Monique Gabrielle who appeared in Up ‘n’ Coming with Marilyn Chambers. Hard to Die is a Horror Yearbook fav and a very recommended little known horror gem.

Other Recommended Film(s) Bachelor Party
Deathstalker II

Synopsis – While doing the inventory for a lingerie outlet in a high rise office building, five attractive women are terrorised by a series of bizarre killings. They suspect that the strange janitor, who witnessed another series of killings years back, is at the bottom of the whole thing. Little do they know the real horror that they face in the end.

Fright Night (1981) starring Stephen Geoffreys

Our only gaysexual porn star and reverse story, Stephen Geoffreys who played the famous “Evil Ed” in Fright Night, went from horror icon to gay porn star in the 90s. Geoffreys kept busy in gay porn for the last decade until he made his return to the horror genre with Sick Girl in 2007.

Other Recommended Film(s) 976-EVIL
Transsexual Prostitutes(?)

When a teenager learns that his next door neighbor is a vampire no one will believe him.

Official Synopsis:

After setting out to research an unknown section of the great lakes in Michigan, four adventurous students find themselves battling crazed rednecks, and something lurking in the water the hasn’t evolved in over 250 million years. This pre-historic parasitic monster has turned the once quintessential eco-system in this small town flat on it’s back and all living creatures are soon finding themselves prey to it. Intially distracted by the good time they are having and the loss of their friend’s brother in a sick and twisted unexplained accident only a month before they find themselves trapped in a gruesome situation as old as time itself- will they kill or be killed? They will discover that this evolution phenominon is as deep and wide and dark as the great lake they came to research- if they survive.

Writing reviews to me is like pulling teeth, especially when its 11:00am and I’m completely sober. So for me to even bother you know this shit must be great right?

Anyway, Attack of the Staph Spider is an awesome new short horror film starring and produced by Tommy Pistol of XXXorcist and Re-Penetrator, as a porn director whose lead star (Daisy Sparks) gets bit by a spider and.. well, gets some nasty oozing staph infection. There’s plenty of gorey silliness, pretty good acting as well and even some naked titties. Which is really all that matters to me in a film, indie or otherwise.

Also, to me at least, shorts tend to be boring and even if they only run 20 minutes, they seem way too long. This one however, I was actually disappointed to see end. Fortunately, however there are two others in the works

Long story short: Only stupid commies with AIDS won’t like Attack of the Staph Spider.

Backseat Film Festival screened it this weekend, other than there I’m not sure where you can check it out

For the trailor and more info on this great short, you can check their myspace page.

Cavegirl (1985)

Sure this is a romantic-comedy and has nothing to do with horror. So why am I talking about it? Because it’s Another USA Up All Night “classic”, it has Michelle Bauer naked and I’m really fucking bored.

Nobody likes the nerdy Rex (Daniel Roebuck of Dudes, Disorganized Crime, Bubba Ho-Tep, plus a shitload of other stuff), not even Michelle Bauer’s naked boobs like him. Poor guy. Anyway, his archeology class (they have those in high school?) goes on a field trip to a mine shaft that somehow transports him back to the Stone Age. Oh wait, he was fondeling some magic crystals and I think maybe got shot by a missle? Doesn’t matter.

He exits the mine and soon runs into some silly cave-people who don’t like him either. The Cavegirl, is played by Cynthia Thompson (Tomboy, Traci Lords Not of this Earth). Her film career wasn’t very extensive which is a shame cause she’s so damn hot. Anyway, the Cavegirl, Eba discovers Rex sleeping and I guess is facinated by his 80s clothing.

Some cannibals show up and capture Eba and the other group of cave people. Rex saves everyone and the cavegirl finally fucks him. The sex scene was to brief, but then again I also think every sex scene in a film should be hardcore and involve anal. When he returns to his own time and nobody believes his story, he remembers his life sucks and goes back through the magic mine shaft to the past. I think getting away from that damn “Feed the World” song may have been a factor too.

Hundra (1983)
Great, awful barbarian flick of the 80s. Hundra’s played by ex-wrestler Laurene Landon (Maniac Cop 1 & 2, The Stuff, Full Moon High, America 3000 and Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up). While off collecting firewood or some shit, her psuedo-Amazon villiage is attacked by a tribe of all male barbarians, who rape and kill everyone. Like real men, they only communicate via burping, grunting, farting and laughing. Then she goes to their camp and kills them all. If that was the whole movie it might have been genuinely good.. maybe. That’s just the begining though.

Hundra then goes to see some wise old bitch who tells her that as the last of her tribe, it’s up to her to repopulate it and that she should go to the nearest city to find herself a Bull worshipping man. As she’s heading out, Hundra gets attacked by a midget barbarian riding a shetland pony.. this movie’s worth watching for that scene alone. She then gets naked and rides her horse along the beach for no reason other than to show us her tits. Good enough reason to me.

When she gets to the “Bull city” she gets in a fight, kicks some ass and then the town guards run her off a roof. When this healer guy fixes her up, she decides he’s worthy to breed with. Being a crude barbarian though, he doesn’t want to bang her. So she recruits some priestess to help teach her to act Ladylike.. blah blah blah. It’s cheesy, it has boobs, it has sword fights. That’s pretty much all that matters in a barbarian movie.

I ordered the dvd for $12 last week when I was trashed, turns out it they went all out on this one. It includes the film’s soundtrack (done by the same guy who scored Red Sonja and Mel Gibson’s Hamlet) and a mini-comicbook that has some lesbian sex. The DVD has tons of special features too. Not that I ever watch those but it’s nice having the option. The back cover also has a shot of her naked on it with a bar over her boobs. Classy!

The movie begins with a hot chick (Kim Poirier of Decoys 1 & 2, Dawn of the Dead remake) in a dressing room, trying on clothes.. she gets naked but it doesn’t show her tits! What the fuck? Hmmm.. hang on, a quick google “Kim Poirier naked” search shows her naked in the scene. Cocksucking Netflix and their rated R version!

Anyway though, storywise it’s about a “rogue colony” of rats that have gotten ballsy and swarms of them go around attacking people. They start of in a fancy department store, when a custumor gets bitten (Kim Poirier) the assistant manager (Mädchen Amick) tries to cover it up and calls in a discrete exterminator (Vincent Spano). By then though the rats have begun to wage war. Oh and they’re carrying some nasty disease too.

Turns out some scientist had been testing some shit on lab rats that turned em mean and strong. Since the Health Department won’t take action it’s up to Mädchen Amick and Spano to kill them all.

Some of the scene transitions were a bit rough, but who cares. It was nice to see Mädchen Amick (Shelly from Twin Peaks) is still lookin hot after all these years. She’d put on some weight at the end of the 90s. All the rat attack scenes were hilarious, especially The Jaws-esque rats in the pool one. Such a fun flick it switched me right into drinkin mode.

Man, I’m almost offended no one here at Horror Yearbook has reviewed this classic yet! This is one of the best treasures the 80′s gave us and so much better than the original, if you ask me! USA Up All Night used to play this all the time when I was a teenager, but when that show went off the air and we eventually entered the era of DVDs, Mary-Lou became a distant memory.

The first Prom Night.. even parts 3 and 4 have been out on DVD for a decade now.. And longer, as cheap $5 VHS ghetto re-releases. Maybe there was some copyright crap or something holding it back. Seems likely, considering. I’m too lazy to look into that though. All that matters now is that, my quest to find Mary-Lou ended a few years ago, when at long last it finally became available on DVD. Sure, it’s a no frills DVD with a lame new cover, but fuck it.

As for the movie itself, it begins in the late 50′s at a Hamilton High School’s Prom, where the local tramp and “bad girl”, Mary-Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage) ditches her goody-goody date, Billy for the supposedly studdly Buddy. When it’s announced that Mary-Lou is that year’s Prom Queen, the heartbroken Billy seizes the opportunity to humiliate her and tosses a pilfered stink bomb at her during her coronation. Unfortunately, since dresses were flammable back then, the bomb’s fuse lights her up like a X-mas tree and she burns to death.

30 years later, the wholesome Vicki (Wendy Lyons) and likely Prom Queen candidate, is looking in the Hamilton High School basement for some old gear for the upcoming prom, when she finds a dusty old trunk. Upon opening it however, she unknowingly releases the spirit of Mary-Lou..

Now, Billy is all grown up and is played by Michael Ironside. He’s also the school’s principal and the father of Vicki’s boyfriend. He immediately suspects Mary-Lou’s back but isn’t sure on any of the details or a way to prove it. As for Vicki, she begins hallucinating and having strange dreams, like in the scene where her rocking horse comes to life. That’s the only part of Hello Mary-Lou I dislike, simply because it doesn’t fit the over-all feel of the film. Whatever, though, the dreams end soon enough and Mary-Lou gets settled in.

Possessed by Mary-Lou, Vicki now has self-confidence, dons bobby-socks, a poodle skirt, etc, and becomes slutty. She even makes-out with her dad! She also has all the oldies Mary-Lou songs as her theme music and uses all the “cool” Ritchie Cunningham catch phrases like “See ya later.. Alligator”.

It doesn’t take long for Billy aka Principal Nordham to eventually figure out, to his horror, that his son’s girlfriend is possessed by Mary-Lou Maloney and most likely responsible for the recent mysterious deaths at school. That’s when he enlists the help of good old Buddy, who having been so scarred from watching Mary-Lou burn to death in ‘57, had sworn off the pussy and became a priest.

I won’t give away the ending. Mostly because I don’t feel like typing anymore. If you haven’t seen this flick though, I urge you to do so soon. Also, yes.. there’s plenty of tits and you even see Vicki’s pussy. There’s also a standard 80′s death by a computer shooting electric tendrils into a victim!

You’ve probably heard of this spoof, if not, well.. you have now. It’s brought to us by same people who gave us Re-Penetrator (Read Review Here) lead star, “punk rock princess” and anal queen, Joanna Angel and director Doug Sakamann of Troma and LBP (Low-Budget Productions) fame. Now, I think I may have been a bit too harsh on Angel in my Re-Penetrator review. I guess the green make-up and blood simply didn’t flatter her very well. At any rate, she looks pretty good in this one, despite the scabs.

The story, unless you’re a total retard that lives in a cave, you should know. It’s about a priest trying to save a demon-possessed chick. Of course this being a porn parady the girl (Joanna Angel) is horny. After dyking-out with her mom, Father Merkin (Tommy Pistol, also from Re-Penetrator) shows up to begin an exorcism. When the standard methods fail, he begins a sexorcism, and proceeds to use a crucifix dildo and baby Jesus butt plug on the girl to drive the devil out of her. When those prove unsuccessful the priest then has no choice left but to “fuck the hell” out of her.

Overall I’d say this is a pretty good flick. It even has good special effects and decent dialog. Lots of pea soup vomit too, which make for some really messy sex. A definate must see for any horror fan!

Apparently this also has three different endings, although I only saw one. The “sad” end sequence where the priest falls down the stairs is said to be the actual stairs from the original Exorcist. You can also order this DVD from Burning Angel, Joanna Angel will autograph it for $5.00.

- Chris Cooper

If you’re like me (and I know both the people who look at this site are) you think even the best slasher flick could be even better if only it had some hard-core sex. Unfortunately, the horror-porn genre is a terribly small one and most the shit is just a crappy novelty at best.

With a name like Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre though, i couldn’t resist giving it a shot and I’m glad I didn’t. While it’s clearly a parody, if for some commie reason you took out all the hardcore sex, this is sadly better than a lot of the shit passing for silly horror today. Although the fact I’m reviewing this should cue you in on my standards for horror films.

It’s about these “kids” who accidentally run over some guy (three times) on a road trip to a concert. To make things worse their van breaks down near an old abandoned Camp that used to employ a serial killer and is also on an ancient Indian burial ground.. and, well.. do the math.

Though there’s much more sex than gore, that just makes it funnier. I can even forgive them, I suppose, for not having any “real” anal sex or fire-crotch bitches. The true draw back to this film, is that they use condoms which is just icky and makes me assume they must all have AIDs and.. well shit, that’s not even a good reason to stoop to using them. Anyway tho, yea.. other than the condoms and lack of good butt sex this is a top notch flick and if trendy horror sluts are your bread and butter than this is an excellent date-flick.

This just came out on Halloween and apparently, “hackers” already figured out a way to uncensor some of this game’s brutal violence. So, copies had to be pulled and repackaged and blah blah blah, the ESRB threatened to re-rate it in the U.S. as Adults Only, which forced Rockstar Games to water down some of the game’s violence.

“The actions, you have to actually stab the person, so you are doing the same actions it would take to stab somebody,” says one redneck communist to a WATE reporter in Knoxville, Tennessee. “If kids do that at an early age, it would have an effect on them.”

Because yea.. it’s not like kids never play war. Besides, if a kid’s playing a video game that means he’s not out killing cats, starting fires or playing doctor with the girl next door. Whatever.. people are stupid and getting “faggier” every day.

We can only hope Rockstar Games eventually releases the banned version of Manhunt 2.. Being that it’ll be Adults Only maybe they’ll even add like a rape bonus level. Until then though don’t worry, without even looking I found dozens of places to download the original uncut version. So if anyone actually gives a shit.. there ya go.

- Chris Cooper

First off, I dug the first two Resident Evil movies. They were decent enough in themselves and had action. Extinction however.. dull, dull, dull. It wasn’t even close to Carrie meets Mad Max of the Living Dead like i’d expected. There’s barely any action and only a couple of visually stimulating scenes. It starts out like the first movie then turns out to be a simulation they’ve been testing Alice clones in. They even use the same footage to trick you into thinking the wrong film was playing. Gay, cheap and annoying.

Anyway, then we realize it’s five years after the previous film and the world has been destroyed by the T-virus and zombies.. yet Umbrella somehow has stayed in business and continues evil-doing ways, this time it’s trying to make zombies smart. The Nevada Hive’s Queen is White and.. also an English little girl (boring).

Ali Larter (Heroes, Final Destination) plays Clair Redfield who’s leading a convoy of survivors to nowhere in particular. I almost walked out when In a Gadda-divida played, that was some seriously unneeded queerness. I actually covered my ears which made me miss some of the dialog too. Jill isn’t in this one, but the black guy and other guy from Apocalypse is.

The only good part was in the begining when Alice got captured by some fuckheads who tried to feed her to zombie Doberman. Apparently her psychic powers are unstable and not as bad-ass as they were at the end of Apocalypse either.

The final showdown against the mutated scientist pretty much is over as soon as it starts and everyone but Alice, Ali Larter and child-extras die.. Wesker lives (as if he’s really in this that much) and ends with Alice deciding to go to Japan to take him down leading an army of Alice clones. Which sounds cool until you realise 2 ended cool and they fucked that up. Oh, no Mila titties in this one either, until one of the last frames which could really anyone.

Troma and LBP (Low-Budget Productions) vet. Doug Sakmann brought us this is parody porn (the best kind if you ask me) a few years back. Having never heard anything about it other than the name, I soon forgot all about it. Then, a few months ago it randomly popped back into my head and was surprisingly easy to score a copy of, so duh.. I watched it.

Good or bad, there isn’t too much story to this porno either. Tommy Pistol plays Doctor Herbert Breast, your typical horny mad scientist who brings a dead stripper (Hot Topic porn star, Joanna Angel) back to life via a shot of his glowing green serum. Once revived she wants dick.. and in every hole (that’s tactfully saying she takes it up the ass). After a 30 minute fuck scene that ends when she finally fucks the good Doc to death, she’s forced to do what any other zombie slut would do.. use the green shit to reanimate him, so that they can fuck some more.

This sounds great, right? Like, “man I have to rush out and see this shit immediately” great, right? Well.. fuck, this movie is far from great, it actually sucks.. kinda. While it’s obvious they weren’t trying to make anything other than a silly porno, you still couldn’t even jerk-off to this if you were drunk. Which was what I was hoping for. Also, to me, Angel looks her best off screen when she has no make-up on at all, like a hot drink, fight & fuck buddy. Unfortunately, you don’t see her like that at all in this film. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad this film exists, it’s almost fun. I urge everyone to check it out, just don’t expect something sexy or campy..

Chris

Since most of the horror movies I see these days are a chore to watch, I figured fuck it, I’ll lower the bar and give this kids movie a go. Some wholesome “spooky” gayness is good to cleanse the pallet once anyway.. or some shit.

This was based on a RL Stine story, you know, the Goosebumps guy. It’s about this little-Xena looking goth chick, who buys a book named “The Evil Thing” from that guy who played Jigsaw. It’s first page says “Don’t read aloud” but she does anyway, to scare her pussy kid brother (who reminds me why I hate children) and in doing so summons the monster from the book, who proceeds to “get” people. It’s a kid movie, what do you expect? Granted it’s basically a standard “safe” movie you can watch with your preteen kids, creepy adults should enjoy this movie too.. it sure beats watching episodes of Doctor Who from the 70′s that’s for sure.

Oh one last thing, when the movie ends, the actress who played the goth chick sings the film’s theme song, so be ready to hit Stop. Hell, may as well hit your kids then too.

Chris

[Editor's Note: Our resident scumbag/writer Chris Cooper made an attempt to review "Captivity" which you can read by clicking HERE. We have been HUGE supporters of this movie after the crucifixion it has received. Even if this movie turns out to be a huge disappointment or a cheap marketing gimmick, any self-respecting horror website should be ashamed of NOT supporting it. If you are a horror fan over the age of 18 you should remember the glory days of Fangoria and horror when the MPAA held back horror movie after horror movie. As websites jump on the bandwagon of films like "Hatchet" (Which we also support - Read Here) they sure as hell forgot about films like "Hostel 2" and "Captivity." When every "horror" website jumps on the chance to get the "hot" news, none of them have gave as much dedication to the horror genre as us, and that is the truth. Now I present you our second of three reviews of the marketing machine, called a horror company, AFTER DARK's - CAPTIVITY! Un-edited, from our "King of Useless Knowledge" and the drunk Chris Cooper!]

Finally, after so much bullshit persecution Captivity hits the screen. Now, honestly, I didn’t think this film was going to be all that great. The previous footage I’d seen of it gave off a bad Lifetime movie meets Die Hard vibe (and I’m not just making that reference due to Die Hard 4 being recent). I really only defended it because I felt it deserved as much of a fair shake as anything else. Which the Communists and the Religious Right were denying it. They pulled all kinds of shit against this movie from pulling it’s billboards and taxi cab adds, to delaying it’s release numerous times. In the end though it was all just free publicity so.. Yea, fuck those Commies! Captivity won.

Now, unlike most current films of the torture sub-genre, Captivity gets to the point right away. Probably because it’s really not the straight up torture-horror film that it’s been made out to be. It’s actually more of a more psychological thriller with in fact, fairly minimal gore. Which is fine with me because making a hot girl cry is always more fun then cutting one up and playing with her intestines anyway. Well.. sometimes.

As for the movie itself, Elisha Cuthbert plays an over-exposed super model who is abducted and toyed with by her captor. Though, she does not get naked in this, as I’m sure the few people reading this want to know, Cuthbert is still sexy and quite pleasant to watch being tormenting. Which seriously, I’m sure is all it’s audience is looking for. That being the case, it delivers just that.

While Captivity may be semi-predictable at times and not quite an edge of your seat thrill ride, as I’m sure people who like to use fancy terms will accuse it of, this movie held my attention for it’s full 90 minutes, which is pretty damn hard to do. I will admit that the very few actual methods of soft-core torture are a bit silly due to their hi-tech elaborateness. Reminiscent of comic book and James Bond style devices of old. Like the scene where she is in the tank that’s filling up with sand, I expected it to pause and say “tune in next week.. same Bat-time.. same Bat-channel!”. It’s those things that I loved about this film though! While I’m sure it was meant to be suspenseful, Captivity is a fun movie that I’m having a hard time not loving. I just hope they make an Elisha Cuthbert action figure out of this!

[Captivity opens in US theaters July 13th]
Captivity: A Second Opinion
More Elizabeth Cuthbert pictures here!

Chris Cooper