Combining traditional noir with esoteric horror themes, Rolfe Kanefsky’s latest thriller is a unique hall of funhouse mirrors that mixes the director’s signature dark humor with a nightmarish landscape that feels new for the prolific director.

Steven Man is Mickey Lewis, a down and out artist type who gets into a “cart accident” at the grocery store with the gorgeous Katrina Webb (Katherine Randolph) and she offers him a job painting her house. Of course, her invite is so laced with honey-burnished sexuality, Mickey would be a fool to pass it up. She’s unhappily married to Arthur (Steven Bauer) and as in any noir; Katrina becomes the femme fatale offering sex for murder.

To go past this thread bare synopsis would do One in the Gun harm because the surface is all anyone should know before going into Kanefsky’s arcane trip into a world lodged somewhere between ours and hell. The first half of Gun is immersed in uniquely shot flashbacks while the latter half is presented with a desert setting so desolate your throat will dry up just staring at it. What is currently happening, what has happened and what lies ahead is played out as one big puzzle for the viewer to dissect.

The first half of Gun is the strongest, with tons of witty double entendres that aptly captures the height of the noir frenzy. It recalls movies like Double Indemnity but pushes the reminiscent into something fresher with beautiful photography, even sexier dialog and, of course, the cryptic twist which is the second half of Gun. Here the movie becomes an isolated, bizarre chiller where nothing is quite as it seems, defying the narrative without alienating the audience. The second part is way more out there, but remains connected to the earlier half as we follow Mickey, discovering the mystery with him. The locales are fantastic, and although not as strong as the first half, fans of colorfully odd small town atmosphere will enjoy the David Lynch vibe.

Gun is chock-full of brilliant and much loved character actors such as Bauer, Robert Davi, James Russo and Kanefsky regular Robert Donovan, all of whom have small but important roles in the mystery (and keep an eye out for the producer Esther Goodstein in a fantastic part), but the standout here is Katherine Randolph as Katrina. Randolph is a strong, beautiful actress who commands every frame she graces. The film would be less without her slinky delivery, and she is perfect in the role.

This movie feels like a bit of a departure for Kanefsky, whose most popular films are the horror comedies There’s Nothing Out There, The Hazing and Nightmare Man, yet it keeps some of that characteristic humor he’s so well known for. In Gun the comedy lies mostly in the absurdity of Mickey’s situation, with conundrums that take Gun from thriller to otherworldly surreptitious terror. At first, these elements seem impenetrable, but it does come together by the end. This is one tough film to categorize (or to even write about), but it’s entertaining and unique and will wow fans of neo-noir longing for a unique stylization to the tried and true formula.

One in the Gun is closing the Soho International Film Festival on Sunday, February 21st. Check it out if you can.

I saw most of Party Line waaaaay back in the early 90s when it was first running on late night cable. I didn’t remember much except that Leif Garret wore a wedding dress (!) and people spoke on the phone to each other. Not much to go on, but since I’ve been walking down this lane of fragmented Cinemax memories, I decided to pick up a copy and give it a go.

Wow.

I mean wow in a good way. Like, I totally have a new appreciation for psychosexual thrillers from the 80s and 90s. It was strange time folks, people still tried to include a story in the midst of its tawdriness, and for the most part, a lot of these films weren’t as bad as some people would have you believe. Party Line is about a supposedly incestuous rich brother and sister who bide their time by hitting the club circuit and slaughtering whomever they can pick-up. The sister, Angelica (the awesome Greta Blackburn) lures horny men into her clutches with offers of real wild sex, then her brother Seth (Leif Garrett) shows up and slits their throat. He dons a red wig and takes no prisoners.

Enter Dan (Richard Hatch from the original Battlestar Galactica), who is a typical goes-against-all-the-rules-but-gets-the-job-done kind of cop. He just happens to be at the nite club where the latest murder happened. He’s all angry, but dude he just cares. He ends up being paired with Stacy (Shawn Weatherly looking divine), a by-the-book assistant in the D.A.’s office. And together they check out this awesome 80s club with a killer live band kicking out the great synth pop grooves. They actually encounter Seth who tries to give them false info to throw them off their game. Unfortunately, this blows up in his face when he’s asked to leave his info with an officer for further questioning. Whoops!

While all this evilness is going on, there’s a sixteen year old nymphet named Jennifer (Patricia Patts) who likes to call the “Party Line” while she’s babysitting. It’s so funny to see this precursor to internet chat rooms, which itself is now archaic. I like this idea better because you actually get a voice on the other line. I mean, not that I’ve done that or anything… Anyway, Jennifer is addicted to calling 976 numbers, so it’s not long before her lecherous employer, Mr. Simmons (Terence McGovern) wants a piece of Jen’s action. He calls the party line one night as she’s arranging a date with The Fireman, aka Seth. By the way, Jennifer goes by The Explorer, which disturbs me.
The next day, Seth shows up at a café with his requisite red suspenders and another party line listener approaches him as if she was The Explorer, much to Jennifer’s dismay. Then comes Mr. Simmons and the three soon leave to meet up with Angelica for a night of rough and weird sex. Things don’t go so well for the anonymous girl and Mr. Simmons and they end up in a field in Malibu all nekkid and dead and shit. Jennifer soon realizes she was just inches away from a madman and goes to Stacy to help catch the killer. I mean, someone needs to bring Mr. Simmons’ killer to justice. Right? Right? Oh, damn, I’m losing you…

Party Line rules. Aside from Leif in drag which would clinch any deal, the dynamics of his relationship with Angelica are amazing. It doesn’t take much to aggravate her and she’s always calling Seth a “Mama’s boy,” and slapping him. Personally, I think he kind of likes it. She totally rules the roost and when she’s not playing mind games or killing, she’s working out – and she works out a lot.

Unfortunately, Angelica is the smart one, so it really doesn’t take long for the shit to hit the fan. But c’mon, did you really want more than 90 minutes of transvestite Leif Garret slitting throats? Yeah, I wanted more too. This is a fun movie with good performances, featuring Richard Roundtree in a small role creating cinematic gold. I also thought Leif was perfect for the part with a very subdued appearance. The real star though is Greta Blackburn. She wears only the best late 80s gear and has the coolest frosted perm this side of Dynasty! She’s a complete delight and I think if this movie was just her slapping Leif for an hour and half, I’d love it all the same!

Party Line was directed by William Webb who also helmed the cruelly slandered The Banker with Robert Forster! Webb is obviously one stone cold genius.

Dear Penthouse,

I have heard about this happening to other people, but never thought it would happen to me…

Do you know why people like horror movies? Not just because they are scary. They can also be kind of taboo breaking, featuring lots of stuff like blood and/or naked women. I love that. It’s kind of gratifying, even if not always on a sexual level. Breaking taboos is neat. You can have lots of naked flesh and maybe chicks kissing each other and stuff. All I can tell you Penthouse was that it was so unexpected when I bought my ticket today to see The Stepfather, but here’s what happened…

OK, so there is this guy played by Dylan Walsh from Nip/Tuck who kills his family and then changes his identity to David Harris and moves to a new town where he meets this lonely divorcee named Susan Harding (Sela Ward). He (very) briefly woos her and quickly moves in with her and two of her kids. OK, so not so hot yet, right? Well, then we see this guy and this girl outside Susan’s house making out, and then interacting like they’re brother and sister! I was all, “Wow, this is so hot!” But then you find out they are just boyfriend and girlfriend and the scene was just badly written and directed. OK, but now I’m ready for it, you know…

So, this guy who was making out with his sister/girlfriend is Susan’s son Michael (Penn Badgley) and he’s all back from military school and so you know he’s a sexy badass right? And this sister/girlfriend of his named Kelly (Amber Heard who desperately needs a sandwich) is all slutty, right? Like, she dresses so embarrassingly whorish but Michael’s family just loves her cuz she’s nice or something. Anyway, Michael tries to like his Stepfather-to-be, but he keeps stumbling around the second floor catching David doing something downstairs he shouldn’t be doing, like whispering to himself and stuff. So, that’s the voyeurism part, I guess. And little by little Michael starts to think that maybe David is evil or something. He has a couple of supporters here, namely Susan’s lesbian sister Jackie played by Paige Turco (that’s right… a lesbian!). She doesn’t like David – maybe cuz he’s a man or something – but she seems to be one of the only women who finds David off-putting. At one point, Jackie has just gotten out of the shower and her girlfriend is just getting in, so I’m all, yeah, lesbian action, but they don’t show anything and I don’t understand why they would waste an opportunity to have two women showering together, opting to have them in robes talking about a man. Lame.

Anyway, Michael persists in his mystery solving and sometimes calls his sister/girlfriend/whore and she’s always in panties and a tank top and… a bra. I don’t understand why someone would dress so scantily and then wear a dumb white bra that pooches underneath the thin top. And by this point, we realize he’s not a military badass, he’s just dumb teenager who never gets to have sex and probably watches reruns of Dawson’s Creek.

Oh yeah, and a couple of people get killed.

At this point Penthouse I realized that not all horror movies set out to be taboo breaking. Sometimes they apparently don’t even set out to be scary. I thought the lead guy was pretty good, but the movie was very Lifetime-y, without any strong female characters or anything of interest to the plot. This is a remake of a much better movie from the 80s with Terry O’Quinn in a harrowing performance and Jill Schoelen as the smart and likable final girl who, gulp, gets naked. You don’t get shit here Penthouse. I mean, not even PG-13 stuff. Maybe a curse word or something, but really. If you want to make a TV movie, make a movie for TV; don’t sucker us into something that promises to be enticing or at least entertaining. I’m onto you Stepfather; you’re not sexy at all. And worse yet, you’re downright boring. Go away. We are totally not doing it tonight.

Sincerely,

Amanda By Night

You may know filmmaker Darin Scott primarily as a writer and producer. He got started with the wonderful little 80s horror anthology Offspring (starring Vincent Price) and then moved around the various genres, producing some really cool films such as Stepfather II, Menace II Society and an underrated fave, Tales from the Hood (another one he also wrote). Mr. Scott seems to be spreading his directing wings lately. He recently completed a psychological thriller called Something Wicked (starring Brittany Murphy) and has just unveiled his newest horror opus Dark House at Shriekfest this past weekend to a sold out audience. And it was amazing.

The movie starts with a gory prologue centering on the massacre of several children who were residing at the local foster home of one Ms. Darrode (Diane Salinger in one of the creepiest performances I’ve seen in a long time). A little girl who is somehow involved in the gruesome scene spends the next fourteen years trying to uncover her repressed memories of that horrible day. Now a suicidal adult on tons of anti-depressants, Claire (Meghan Ory) has found a love for acting and wants to rid herself of the meds that keep her in a zombie-like state. Her therapist suggests that going inside the house might stir up something. A little later in acting class a man named Walston Ray (Jeffrey Combs, and yes, I’m sure you get the reference) presents a wonderful opportunity. An infamous showman who turns out incredible amusement parks, he’s now bought the Darrode house and is repurposing it into a haunted house attraction. He needs these acting students to give a more human element to his magical world of freaks, demons and madmen. Claire convinces her friends to sign up and off to the Darrode’s they go.

The house is a veritable circus of horrors, full of fantastic imagery and stunning set-pieces – all thanks to modern technology. But science might not be playing a part in the real terror lurking inside this new ghostly attraction, ‘cuz it’s haunted for real and it wants Claire and everyone else in the house!

There is much to love about Dark House. The cast is in top form with Combs and Salinger taking the highest honors for just being so dang wonderful. Combs is always amazing, but I was expecting to see him in a far smaller role. I was glad he was through the entire picture playing the part of a great showman in a way a lesser actor would fail at attempting. The rest of the cast is up to the challenge of keeping up with Combs contagious energy, with a special nod to Shelly Cole who took the bitchy goth chick role and made her not only real, but likable. In fact, I really enjoyed how the movie set up the basic slasher stereotypes (the final girl, the evil slutty girl, the token black guy, the jock, ect…) and then made them work together as a cohesive group of people struggling to survive one crappy night. It was nice to see the movie create strong characters without losing the pace with unneeded sub-plots.

I’ll be honest, I just adored Dark House. It creates a striking balance of horror and humor. That’s not an easy recipe, but the way it was played out had the audience laughing and gasping at the same time. This is definitely a crowd film, with choice dialogue, lots of gory goodness and some genuine suspense. It harkens back to some of my favorite supernatural horror films of the 80s such as Waxwork and Superstition. In fact, Dark House is a movie that pays homage to so many other films while still maintaining its own identity. I might be showing off my horror nerd colors to say I saw a little Bad Ronald, a little Trilogy of Terror, touches of Popcorn laced with a little bit of Lucio Fulci’s Black Cat, but maybe that was part of fun of watching Dark House. It’s total popcorn fare that takes you back to the grand days of the 80s, where the point of the movie was to astound and entertain you.

Paula Barbieri. Wow. What a flashback. This pretty lady only made a few films, mostly erotic thrillers, and Night Eyes 4 was her last appearance. Don’t quote me or anything, but I’m pretty sure she used a body double in the sex scenes. She is also an underwhelming actress, so I wonder why anyone would hire her for this genre.

Oh wait, she was dating OJ Simpson circa the infamous murder of his ex-wife and an unsuspecting waiter who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I won’t go into details here because if you aren’t aware of the case, then you must have been living under a rock. I do remember Paula getting some coverage after the event based solely on her notorious taste in lovers. I read she split from Simpson the day of the murders, which you know probably pissed him off. She did end up reuniting and staying with OJ through the trial and they broke up shortly after his acquittal. I’m just glad she got out of there, otherwise who would have starred in Night Eyes 4? It just wouldn’t have been the same.

Paula is Dr. Angela Cross, super hot therapist who finds herself the victim of a break-in. That’s when Night Eyes Security shows up. Led by Will (Andrew Stevens who starred in the first three films in the series) and Steve (Jeff Trachta), they catch the assailant only to have him shoot Will in the head. Steve vows to catch this guy and offers to become Angela’s personal guard. At first she comes off as really cold and almost defies him to take her on, knowing that she is a icy bitch. But apparently Steve can melt the ice right off a popsicle, so it’s not long before he’s in Angela’s good graces and bed.

Another couple lives with Angela, and the first half of the movie basically consists of Steve stumbling across them while they are having sex. It’s kind of amusing actually. The guy in this amorous couple is played by Casper Van Dien and it was a bit of a shock to see him in all his glory. The scenes themselves weren’t anything particularly saucy, but they were fun and the score by Patrick Seymour was awesome! He ingrained some cool bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm/blues styling into the sexy scenes, livening them up just enough to keep them interesting.

The second half of the film deals with Jeff and Angela’s relationship as he has lots of simulated sex with her body double. Again, nothing great but good music livens it up. Eventually, it comes to light what is going on in Angela’s house and it ain’t good! Lives are ruined, some are lost, yada, yada, yada.

What struck me most about Night Eyes 4 was that it’s honestly entertaining. With the exception of Ms. Barbieri’s questionable acting talents, the rest of the cast is good. I mean, really good. Even Kimberly Kelly who plays nothing more than a sexed-up nymph is completely engaging in her part. I’m glad they let her wear her clothes once in awhile because I enjoyed watching her actually act – imagine that! Jeff Trachta is by far the best actor in the film and is great as a leading man. I personally didn’t find him super attractive physically (90s hair can throw off even the best looking guys), but he’s so damn likeable, even with some of the shoddy material, you find that you’re interested in what he’s doing. And Stevens was great (as usual) in a part that turned out to be nothing more than a glorified cameo.

IMDb identifies Jacqueline Lovell as “Runaway” but for the life of me, I don’t remember her or this character at all. I do like Jacqueline. She was always so much better than her material.

It saddens me to say that I have now come to a close with the Night Eyes series. I hope the Body Chemistry prove to be just as fun, but really, how likely is that?!?

Read the reviews for the rest of the Night Eyes movies:

Night Eyes
Night Eyes II
Night Eyes III

Mistress of Seduction
Review by: Amanda By Night

By 1998 erotic thrillers were lucrative in the same way slashers were lucrative in the 80s. Only a few saw any kind of theatrical release, but as video stores tried to meet the supply and demand craze, lots of interesting movies popped up. It’s one of my favorite eras, and one of the most underappreciated, in the history of film. Sure it was a lot of boobs, some bullets and whatever other sensational things the filmmaker could think of, meaning it wasn’t exactly AFI material, but it was damn entertaining, and what more can you ask for on a Saturday night?

Put Mistress on that list of fun, if flawed, thrillers of that period. Kirstin Pierce (credited as Kristine Carlson) is Gina – aka The Mistress of Seduction. I mean, that’s what she calls herself! She’s a phone sex operator whose specialty is her sexy voice and her ability to keep someone on the other line for more than an hour! At three bucks an minute, that’s lucrative! Anyway, she’s married to this no good sumbitch named Jake (Andy Catano), a hoodlum type who just scored a half a mil. Deciding she deserves it more than the man who actually stole it, Gina pilfers the money and heads to parts unknown. She stops in Nowhere Town, USA and here she finds a room for rent and two sexy male roommates. She takes an instant liking to Paul (cutie pie Michael Boisvert) and the two develop a nice relationship, but she’s hesitant to reveal why she’s hiding out. The other roomie is a sleazy small town lawyer named Brian (John David Gregory) who is in the film only to reveal that Paul’s girlfriend had died under mysterious circumstances and to screw any girl they can find to who is willing to take off her shirt for the camera. Is Paul a little more devious than Gina gives him credit for, or is he the perfect pawn in her deadly seduction games?

If this was done in true neo-noir fashion, that question might carry a bit more weight. As it stands, half of Paul’s backstory is lost by the middle of the film. At that point it becomes more about Jake’s attempt to recover the money than it does about small town secrets and mysteries that turn a mean table.

Oh well, Mistress is still a fun watch. It’s ultra-low budget – there is no glitz or glam at all. Well, besides Gina’s short-short skirts, but it is an honest attempt to make a decent thriller. Even if I was shrugging my shoulders in parts and saying, “What the -?” I was still enjoying its spicy offerings.

According to IMDb, Mistress was written and directed by a woman (Ellyn Michaels). Not sure if this is pseudonym, but it may explain why the tawdry sex scenes are a bit restrained. They’re also quite short, which is a nice change from those horrible drawn out Cinemax flicks of late. Kirstin is quite lovely and baths a lot! This character (or the actress) is not ashamed of her body, I’ll tell you that much. The ending is kind of a riot too, playing out as a sweet romantic movie, bulldozing over any intended thriller bits. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a blonde in a mini, and Mistress aimed to please me, and it did.

Not So Basic Instincts: Tease (aka Poison, 2000)

In retrospect, Tease is just that. A big ol’ Tease. Playing more like a Lifetime murder mystery than a sexy erotic thriller, there’s just enough T&A to push it more into late night Cinemax than early evening Lifetime. But when all is said and done, this movie just wants to take you to the brink, making you believe something is going to happen, only to pull back, kiss you on the cheek and say goodnight.

Let’s see if I ever take the Tease to dinner again!

The uber voluptuous Mandy Schaffer is Traci, an unbalanced 17 year old burgeoning of wanton wills and lots of weird, crazed thoughts. Mostly she’s got a real addiction to her mother, Dana (Rosanna Arquette), who took the fall for Traci when the young girl pushed her own father (Michael Des Barres!) to his death. While her mother is doing time in the pokey, Traci finds a new attachment to a teacher named Mary (Stacy Grant). So much so, she kills Mary’s boyfriend, David (the extra hunky Mark Humphrey) just to ensure he won’t take her away after they marry! Too bad Traci’s mom is released, because it was a lot of work getting.

David into his boat for the kill! Dana steals Traci away to the vineyard she’s bought with her partner and friend, the sweet natured Carl (Jurgen Prochnow). Traci seems moderately happy to have her mom back, but is unhappy with Carl and the old family housekeeper, Carmen (Suzanne Coy), who knows all about Traci’s murderous activities. There’s some talk of harvesting, a little Traci in a wet tee and Carl’s brother, Johnny (Thomas Kretschmann), who has just enough machismo to make Dana swoon and Traci go nutzo. Because no one takes mommy away.

Tease is a weird combo of Poison Ivy with the Crush, if the crush was the mother. There’s lots of lesbian undertones thanks to a sexy dancing scene and the above mentioned wet tee segment. It’s obvious Traci has nothing but disdain for anyone who isn’t dear old mom, especially men. Not that mom is at all concerned. I mean, Traci jumps around in a wet shirt while the “workers” ogle her and all Dana can think about is running off with hunk-a-tron Johnny in the rain. It’s also interesting to note that when Traci attacks, the victims either die in water (or wine even!) or are thrown into the river. I’m still pondering the whole water bit (perhaps cleansing herself of sin?), but deep down I know I’m only thinking too deeply about a film that maybe shouldn’t even be thought of at all.

The only real reason to watch Tease is to see Mandy Schaffer in all her braless glory. My god, she could give a young Sophia Loren a run for her money. This girl is so curvy, she’s a frickin’ freeway. It’s impossible to take your eyes off of this beautiful creature and considering how hard the director and writer tries to make you do just that, is a testament to Mandy’s talents. The dialog is atrocious and clichéd with nary an original word or thought given to the actors to work with. The direction is sometimes a little lush, but falls over to the pedestrian side more times than I could count. The actors are game and willing, but there’s too much working against them in this half-assed attempt at erotica. Aside from Schaffer, Prochnow is great fun in the only scene with any meat to it. And the rest is just pretty filler. And not pretty in that Zalman King Red Shoe Diaries kind of way, more in that oh-look-a-nice-lake kind of way. Booooring!

There’s a little bit of nudity, including male (something which I always welcome) and Schaffer has an obvious stand in for her big scene.

I did find Tease moderately enjoyable but that’s because I’m an easy sell. Throw an Arquette in there and I’m down for the count. I’m sure more discerning viewers (i.e. the general population) will find the Tease is as tedious and frustrating as a Catholic girl on her first date.

Ah, back to the good stuff!

After veering briefly into Gregory Dark-land, I got to go back home again and see another in the always enjoyable Night Eyes series. Now I’m up to part three and like the two before it, I’m finding there’s a lot to be said about Andrew Stevens take on sleaze. Um, I mean erotica!

Admittedly not as good as part 2, Shannon Tweed returns as a new character for an entirely different storyline. This time she’s Zoe Clairmont, star of the hit TV series Sweet Justice (her partner in crime on the show is Shannon’s real life sis Tracy, who is FANTASTIC as the bitch from hell). Zoe’s on again/off again boyfriend attempts to rape her after a fight and dontcha known it? Night Eyes Security to the rescue. The assailant escapes, but Zoe’s obnoxious producer hires Andrew to keep a close watch on his billion dollar bimbo. Romance, intrigue and full frontal nudity ensue.

So. Good.

Night Eyes III is a little lighter on story, and that’s saying something since these movies have hardly any story at all, but like its predecessors, it’s fun, sexy and a great romp for Shannon fans. She pulls out all the stops in her performance here and as per her usual
style, rises above the threadbare material.

Andrew Stevens is extremely likeable as Will. But by this point, I’m thinking he’s totally unprofessional. I mean, does he really fall in love with all of his clients? Seriously, keep in your pants!

For some reason, in this movie Will now has a daughter! Funny that he’d never mentioned her before, but here she is, spending the Christmas holidays with her dad. Or rather, spending the holidays with Will’s housekeeper, since he works the graveyard shift and schtups Shannon in his spare time. What a way to earn a paycheck!

Also, the intrigue in this movie actually revolves more around Will and Night Eyes Security than Shannon. Seems there’s another competing security company in Beverly Hills – only this one is evil! And I’m not using that term lightly. Especially uniformed guard Jim Stanton (Tristan Rogers) who apparently loves being a uniformed security guard so much, he’ll kill for it! Wow, that’s love of a job.

Anyway, most of the sexy sex stuff shows up in the middle. In fact all of the sexy sex stuff is in the middle, minus one salacious scene with Monique Parent at the beginning, and one scene with Tracy where she looks DYNO-MITE. I quite liked Tracy and am disappointed she only appeared in a handful of movies. Seems beauty and talent runs in the family. Oh yes, she was in Gregory Dark’s Night Rhythms and they don’t even really show her face! How cruel, Mr. Dark. How cruel.

Last week, the makers behind what is sure to be one of this summer’s biggest hits, Terminator: Salvation, called upon a few journalists (yeah, that’s right, I’m a journalist – Nyah! Nyah!) for a gathering to view clips from the upcoming film. Salvation’s director, McG was in attendance (with a couple of his producers) and in-between the excerpts, the one-name maverick spun tales about the harrowing world of filmmaking and how this film came to be. He also made fun of his moniker, which was kind of awesome.

One spectacular talker, McG reminded me of the old carnival barkers that infamous schlock filmmaker David F. Friedman holds in such high regard. There is a definite art to bringing together a disparate (and admittedly jaded) group and making them want to spend money on your act. McG did a wonderful job of making everyone feel like their opinions and ideas were worth noting. He’s a grand master of presentation, and I will confess, he almost hooked me. But more on that in a bit…

But what about the clips, you ask? They were screened in very rough forms; some were even still in their pre-CGI cartoon state. They were action packed and several of the (finished) images were quite startling and beautiful. McG promises that the post-apocalyptic world the first two films only alluded to will be the main focus of Salvation (he doesn’t count the third film as part of the series – and you’ll get no argument here). The images often looked like something right out of the Road Warrior while others resembled glossier sci-fi such as Gattaca. I think mixing the hostile outside world with SkyNet is a brilliant move on the filmmaker’s part.

Does any of this mean I’ll see Salvation? Well, probably not. I’m not a particular fan of the franchise (although I adore the first film), and McG hasn’t really made a movie I’ve liked. But I think fans might be in for a treat. We’ve got a director interested in what people want from the movie, we’ve got Christian Bale who wouldn’t sign on until he felt the story was strong enough, and we’ve got some crazy big robots that kill people. It’s a tried and true formula that has to potential to be the makings of a great popcorn flick. Let me know how it goes, K?

She Freak (1967): A great little drive-in classic, She Freak is the retelling of Freaks, only not quite as unsettling. Well, not really disturbing at all. But what it has is a great, nostalgic look at the good old days of the carnival. The director, David F. Friedman, was indeed a carnival barker himself before he moved on to filmmaking and his love of those days is apparent in this oddball chiller.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978): This remake of the 1956 classic is an almost pitch-perfect sci-fi/horror hybrid about aliens taking over human bodies in their sleep. So many genre films from the 70s remain relevant because they seemed to say something about the political climate. A paranoid tale of terror, Invasion never lets up – not even for a second. Kaufman spins a conspiracy laden tale ending on such a downbeat note you’ll either find yourself absolutely petrified, or you’ll be smiling because you remember a time when movies dared to be so bold. Either way, this is a fantastic movie that deserves revisiting again and again.

Nosferatu (1979): Who better to handle the recreation of one of the most menacing performances on screen then Mr. Creepy himself, Klaus Kinski? With a bit of a resemblance to Max Schreck, Kinski also graced audiences with an even more sinister presence. Unsettling, arty as hell and fantastically off-putting, Nosferatu is a horror remake even movie snobs can enjoy!

The Thing (1982): Perhaps the greatest remake ever, The Thing is a perfect blend of visceral terror and edgy suspense. Featuring a body-invading monster, some outrageous special effects, excellent acting and non-stop suspense, Carpenter gives audiences yet another grand example of why he’s the master.

The Blob (1988): This remake keeps the fun of the original Steve McQueen classic, but ups the gore and the laughs a notch, creating one of the most entertaining monster movies of the decade. Kevin Dillon and Shawnee Smith are excellent in their respective roles, and this movie takes no prisoners (i.e. kids get eaten!!!)!

Night of the Living Dead (1990): By far, Night is the best remake of any George Romero classic (and let’s face it, they’re all classics). Famous SPFX artist Tom Savini stepped behind the camera to helm one of the most suspenseful zombie films. He even takes Romero’s haunting ending and twists it on its ear for modern audiences. Simply a must for fans of the undead.

Toolbox Murders (2003): Not so much a remake as a re-imagining, Tobe Hooper takes the title of the oft-maligned but amazing original film and puts his own stamp on it. A Texas Chainsaw Massacre sized stamp! The Toolbox Murders remake works because writers Jace Anderson and Adam Gieasch take Hooper back down to his most primal instincts and lets him work on a primitive level not seen since the early 80s slasher The Funhouse. The end result is a haunting and brutal film that feels more original than remade.

Willard (2003): One of the few remakes that actually out does the original ten-fold, Willard is also one of the most heartbreaking horror films of all time. Crispin Glover plays the sad sack to perfection and not only gets the audiences sympathy, but also steals your heart. If you love rats, you’ll love Willard.

Dawn of the Dead (2004): Although the re-hashing of the undisputed classic was met with mixed reviews, it’s a solid addition to the zombie-ography which has become so popular of late. It might not hold the same political and cultural stance as its predecessor, but Dawn definitely creates a feeling of dread, as well as bringing a little invention to an unusual undead action flick.

House of Wax (2005): More of a remake of Tourist Trap than the original House of Wax, this film was a surprisingly fun and gooey surprise full of strange happenings, creepy atmosphere and wanton lasses (courtesy of Paris Hilton who has the best death scene). A full fledged dive into rollercoaster horror filmmaking, House of Wax is one wild ride!

Honorable Mention:

Blood Diner (1987): Considered more of a sequel or tribute and not a remake, Blood Diner was originally slated to be the retelling of Fuad Ramses before H.G. Lewis pulled out his support. After a few script changes and a little name altering (Anwar Namtut is now the evil doer), and you’ve got yourself one of the greatest horror comedies of the 80s. OK, the greatest! I make no excuses for my love of this film. Sure, it ain’t Shakespeare, but it is a wonderful mark of respect to all things gory, with more than a tip of the hat to Mr. Lewis himself.

Porn filmmaker Gregory Dark went semi-legit in the early 90s at the beginning of the erotic thriller craze. Even for the genre, his “softcore” work was pretty hardcore back then. Now it all seems a bit quaint – but just a bit. He could give Seduction Cinema a run for its money any day! Unlike Andrew Stevens, Dark (often working under the name Gregory Hippolyte as he did here) concentrated less on story and more on nudity. I’m sure most won’t find fault him for that way of thinking, but his films ended up a lot less entertaining for me. I know, I’m weird.

Night Rhythms is not a bad film. Well, when there’s actually a film going on. Martin Hewitt (Endless Love) is Nick West, a sexy late night radio host who basically talks dirty on the air to a bevy of beautiful and lonely ladies (including Julie Strain). Nick loves the ladies. He even says so. He goes on to prove that statement as well. After a series of dirty phone calls and a run in with Vincent (David Carradine) a tough as nails exotic strip club owner, Nick invites the pretty Honey (Tracy Tweed, Shannon’s sister) to the station for a little on-air fun and games. While Honey and Nick are going at it, he is knocked unconscious and Honey is strangled to death on the air! Now Nick is on the run from the cops and trying to solve the crime with the help of a truckload of beautiful women, including Cinnamon (the lovely Deborah Driggs), a tough talking bartender. This is where Nick gets to put his money where his mouth is (and a few other things, if you know what I mean!). He sleeps with almost every single woman he encounters (the only one he doesn’t pork is Delia Sheppard, but don’t worry boys, you’ll get an eyeful of her towards the end of the film).

There’s not much mystery to be had, and Carradine’s character only serves as a dumb red herring. What there is though is a TON of sex. I mean, Night Rhythms is probably 50% erotic, 25% thriller and 25% nothing. It’s a bit like Nick’s radio show… a lot of sexy dead air. I don’t know how else to explain it.

What Night Rhythms does have going for it is that all of the women are attractive. Only one guy on display here, and I’ve had a crush on Martin Hewitt since Killer Party, so you’ll get no complaints on that end. But unless Cinnamon is your girl of choice, don’t get too attached to any of these ladies as they flitter in and out of Nick’s life.

The only other Dark film I’ve seen is Mirror Images (also starring Sheppard), and that was during the early 90s when it was originally released. I’m not all that eager to re-visit it either. I guess I just like a little story with my sleaze. So sue me.

I know, I know. We’ve all been waiting for it… an erotic thriller about child molestation. Now what could be hotter than that? Strangely, Play Nice is just such a film in the subgenre dealing with that very unsavory topic… and somehow manages to make it entertaining.

Seriously.

I’m not sure how they did it either, but the folks behind Play Nice took something so sleazy and un-hot, if I may use that term, and mixed it up with a lot of graphic sex (thanks to Robey and Ed O’Ross). They shook it up real hard (no pun intended! OK, maybe a little pun) and what came out was a likable romp about a serial killer named Rapunzel who stalks divorced men accused of diddling their little girls. Yikes! O’Ross is Jack “Mouth” Penucci, one of those I-don’t-play-by-the-rules kinds of guys that are always getting in trouble on the job even though they almost always get their man (or nymph if you will). While searching through police records, he meets the sheepish Jill (geddit? Jack and Jill?!?) and the two begin to see each other (a lot of each other, if you get my drift). Well, a couple of hot dates later and the bookish Jill is ready for some heavy duty S&M type action, which makes Jack not such a dull boy, but also a little uneasy. Mostly because he’s a divorced father who isn’t molesting his daughter so mixing rough sex while investigating this disturbing case just ain’t his style. It doesn’t take long before Jack decides to end it with Jill and wouldn’t you know it, the identity of Rapunzel isn’t far behind (in fact, the first scene gives the whole convoluted mystery away).

Horror fans will spy the awesomest final girl ever, Amy Steel from Friday the 13th Part 2 as well as Ann Dusenberry from Jaws 2. Both are in fine form, although relegated to smaller parts. I kind of wish this movie had starred Steel instead of Robey. Steel was such a natural; it would be interesting to see how she would have handled a sexy starring role. As for Dusenberry, she wowed me in The Men’s Club and I’m positive she would have been splendid as the lead here too. That’s not to say that Robey isn’t good, but these two… well, you just can’t compare them.

Maybe Play Nice was so interesting because it was directed by a woman (Terri Treas, who is most famous for playing Cathy Frankel on the Alien Nation TV series). There’s an appealing mix of insightful observation with pure exploitation and a grand sense of fun, making the film a unique viewing experience. It’s still one odd duck. The pacing and script are marginal and some of the acting is downright wooden, but although the films starts off a bit shaky, there’s something captivating lurking underneath and before you know it, you want to see where it goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah it’s, like, so totally obvious who the culprit is, but the concept is unique and learning about what drives Rapunzel to murder is kind of fascinating stuff. That doesn’t mean I ever had to see Ed O’Ross naked, but you take the good and you take the bad when you’re learning about the facts of life!

Not so Basic Instincts: Night Eyes II (1992)
Review by: Amanda By Night

Shannon Tweed was already a Playboy Playmate of the Year (1982) and had racked up an impressive list of acting credits as long as your arm when erotic thrillers came knocking on her door in the early 90s. And it was these films, including the sequel to the salacious flick Night Eyes that really put her on the map. She had already appeared in a handful of these types of movies before Night Eyes II, but there was just something so good about the pairing of her and Andrew Stevens. There was also something to the fact that she was a beautiful woman who did nudity and could actually act. Shannon definitely brought up the bar in any production she graced, making her a bit of a Claudia Jennings to the world of the erotic thriller.

Shannon is excellent as Marilyn, the lonely housewife to Hector (Richard Chaves), a South American wannabe politician. She bankrolls his career and he ignores her at every turn – Good going Hector. Trust me, it’s not like he’s going to be getting this hot of a lady all the time, you know. Unfortunately, being embroiled in the world of the South American government has its downfalls and Hector and Marilyn soon he finds themselves as marked targets ripe for assassination.

Enter Night Eyes Security.

Ernie from the original is now gone, replaced by Tim Russ, who is now Will’s (Andrew Stevens) partner. The two have great chemistry and come across as realistic friends. Will’s still dealing with the fiasco of a relationship he had with Roberts in the original, leaving him once-bitten-twice-shy, although Shannon is poised to change all that with her kooky and sexy ways. She ends up hiring Will on as a personal bodyguard when she realizes her husband doesn’t give two licks if she’s the one who winds up in front of a stray bullet. Together, Will and Marilyn will uncover a deadly plot and find an interesting (and way too graphic) use for berries! I’m not kidding.

The thriller part of Night Eyes II doesn’t really kick into gear until the end when Shannon becomes a target and Will has to protect her. The sex part doesn’t really factor in either until slightly before that. Still I found Night Eyes II to be a very entertaining film.

Credit has to go to Shannon who makes even mundane things like working out captivating. OK, she makes it awesome. She’s beautiful and talented and practically carries this film on her back. This time around though, the rest of the cast is great and not at all stale like they were in the original. The script itself is interesting and isn’t over done. Night Eyes II starts off with a bang too, featuring Will chasing down a sly safecracker. After that, the pacing remains consistent and stays pretty quick and fun throughout the film’s short running time. So it might not Mensa material, but it is something that attempts to entertain and manages to pull off that feat quite nicely.