Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s your good friend Kyle Krueger, the bastard grandson of a hundred maniacs, bringing you another discarded wonder. Today we’re looking at John Carpenter’s Body Bags.

The year is 1993. Four years after HBO began “Tales from the Crypt”, the people at Showtime wanted something terrifying to bring in viewers. Before he brought Cigarette Burns to the infamous “Masters of Horror” anthology in 2005, Showtime asked John Carpenter to shoot a pilot for a rival anthology series. He gave them Body Bags, featuring three thirty minute stories that had scares and laughs alike. Unfortunately, Showtime pulled the plug before it could ever air, so Carpenter released it as a stand alone Creepshow type film.

Our host of sorts is The Coroner (Carpenter himself), who shows us three bodies that arrive to the morgue in body bags. One by one, he tells us the story of how they died. First, we see “Gas Station”, where Anne (Alex Datcher) is working the graveyard shift at, you guessed it, a gas station. A gas station that happens to be on the outskirts of Haddonfield. While Michael Myers is not involved, it seems someone in town is following in his footsteps and he has his sights set on Anne. This particular tale I found interesting because while it wasn’t particularly scary, it held a lot of tension throughout. Carpenter’s direction is, as always, fantastic, and this is, in fact, very reminiscent of Halloween. Robert Carradine (Revenge of the Nerds) gives a great performance as Bill, and does a wonderful job with what little screen time he’s given. Also, look for cameos by Wes Craven (they say he’s there, I didn’t see him) and Sam Raimi as a dead body.

Second is “Hair” about Richard (Stacy Keach), a balding man who despite having a great life and a hot girlfriend, cannot get past his thinning hair. He’s tried everything to get it to come back, but nothing works. Until he sees a TV ad for Dr. Lock (David Warner) who claims he can make your hair regrow overnight! Soon, Richard’s long, flowing mane has returned, but at what price? This story is a nice buffer between the other two stories as “Hair” is played completely for laughs. While the twist ending is shocking, it’s more of an “OH, COME ON!” kind of twist that is ridiculous in nature, but fun all the same. Also directed by John Carpenter, this story plays to the skeptic in all of us. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

Lastly, we have “Eye”. This is a whole different ball game. Mark Hamill (Star Wars) is Brent, a minor league baseball player with a beautiful wife, a baby on the way, and dreams of playing in the majors. Then, tragedy strikes (no pun intended) and Brent is in a car accident where he loses his right eye. Feeling his career is ruined, he bets it all on an experimental eye transplant experiment. Thankfully, it works and Brent begins his recovery. Then he begins seeing things. And getting headaches. He finds out his new eye once belonged to a convicted murderer. Now Brent is seeing things his donor has seen. Brent also wants to start picking up his donors old habits. Does he have what it takes to fight these feelings or will his donor’s eye infect his mind? The only episode not directed by Carpenter, Tobe Hooper (Texas Chain Saw Massacre) takes the reigns on this one. The scares this time are quite effective and Hamill does a terrific job playing the victim and the antagonist.

If you find yourself with nothing to do one night and see this at your local rental store or see it on TV, give it a watch. Otherwise, this isn’t a destination type movie. Fans of anthology terror will appreciate it for what it is, but it’s not very memorable for a reason.

3 out of 5 stabs

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