Maybe it’s the gay in me, but I love movies, tv, or comics where there is a lone female warrior facing down an army, a monster, or any other bad guy or gal in her way. There is something more visually exciting about a woman shooting a machine gun, or brandishing a sword, than there is when a guy does it. They just look cuter (I think I just took all the air out of any feminist arguement I may have tried here). So in that spirit, I’ve decided to take a look at a few films where women are the heroes and the men are just there for eye candy.
First we have the sex-kitten round, or ‘Barb Wire vs. Barbarella.’
Let’s start with ‘Barb Wire.’
Pamela Anderson Lee (or whatever the hell her name is now) stars as the title character, a futuristic bounty hunter who works for the highest bidder. Once a soldier in the 2nd American Civil War, Barb became disillusioned and bitter, and now runs a bar in Steel Harbor, the last free city. You always know you’re in for a good time when three paragraphs of exposition scroll across the screen before the credits have even rolled.
The movie starts off with a bang seconds later when Barb performs a strip tease to a rock cover of Cameo’s ‘Word-Up,’ while being sprayed with water. This scene actually goes on for so long that they eventually run out of credits (Watch Scene Below). In all fairness it is probably the most artistically shot sequence in the movie. It looks great, and apparently it was all Pam’s idea, which is not surprising.
As her dance winds down, we quickly learn that Barb does not like to be called babe. when she throws her stilletto platform into the forehead of a lecherous cat caller in the audience. We soon learn she is undercover at the strip club trying to save a girl being held in a meat locker. Or something like that, who knows.
After this fun opening, the movie kind of drags for awhile. There is some plot about rescuing a doctor and a pair of contact lenses, we learn Barb has a blind alcoholic brother and a bitchy queen for an assistant, and she changes outfits a lot. Consistent with most visions of the future, they are all made out of black leather.
At any rate, I was disappointed that there was really only one major hand to hand fight scene. It was good, but there could have been more. Most of the action doesn’t happen until the end when Barb has her big showdown in a junkyard with a fascist military leader, and a guy named Big Fatso who lives in a crane and eats chicken wings. Seriously.
All in all, it has it’s fun moments. It’s the kind of movie best watched while drinking with your friends because there’s really no plot to follow, but if you’re watching it to see some serious bad girl ass-kicking action, you might want to look elsewhere.
Fierce Factor: 6 out of 10
Now onto an insanely boring disappointment, ‘Barbarella.’
I still have no fucking idea what happened in this movie. Basically Jane Fonda is looking for some dude, but all that happens is she flys around, crashes her spaceship, and has sex with every man who helps her. I know it sounds like a great movie, and I think Jenna Jameson might have made something like it, but believe me, it’s not even remotely interesting.
At some point she ends up in a labryinth (I think) which leads to an evil palace. An angel helps her get there, but first, you guessed it, she has sex with him. Then she is captured by a woman, who turns out to be the evil queen, and she also tries to have sex with Barbarella. Eventually I had to turn this movie off because my soul was slowly dying. If you’re going to make a movie where the heroine does nothing but have sex, at least make the sex interesting. The worst part is that they never even show anyone actually getting it on. Everytime she begins to get fucked they cut away!
To add insult to injury, whenever there’s a skirmish, she does little more than get knocked down. I hated this stupid movie. I hear Hollywood is trying to remake it. Here’s my advice: trash the whole script and start over.
Fierce Factor: 0 out 10
Next Week: Foxy Brown vs. Cleopatra Jones
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