I have seen some bad movies. I’ve seen The Devil’s Rain. I’ve watched Don’t Answer the Phone. I even survived the Star Wars Holiday Special. Nothing could prepare me for The Caretaker. The film was completed in 2008 and has not been released until now. That was a big hint. It stars Andrew St. John and Kira Verrastro. Despite this fact, Judd Nelson (John “eat my shorts” Bender) and Jennifer Tilly (Bride of Chucky) recieve top billing on the dvd cover to get you in the door, even though they are collectively in this movie for less than thirty minutes.

The story focuses on six teenagers (three guys, three girls) who skip Homecoming, which falls on Halloween night, to go check out an old house that rests in a grapefruit orchard. That can’t go any way but perfectly!!! It was once inhabited by its caretaker, Adam, and his wife,Tansy. Adam is clearly abusive as he goes crazy and kills anyone who even looks at his wife or into his house. One day he completely snaps and kills his wife because she escaped from her chains (where’s the love?); then Adam disappears and takes his daughter with him. Well, it’s awful convenient that Adam drops back by the old stomping grounds just in time to see kids in his house; there is even one who looks like Tansy. So, one by one, he comes at them with a modified fruit picker.

Normally, I’m all for hack/slash/repeat, but this was ridiculous. The red herring limo driver was clearly into underage girls (Which one of you ladies wants to sit up front?), the person doing the killing was so obvious he didn’t really need a mask, and Jennifer Tilly as an attention starved, fame seeking teacher? Doesn’t work. One of the “kills” clearly could have walked away. Not limped, walked. Yeah, you would have a nasty scar, but the Black Knight comes to mind (‘Tis but a flesh wound). Oh, and did I mention everything looks like it was lit with a flashlight? In some scenes they literally were. Flashbacks are the only brightly lit pieces in the movie, and that’s because most flashbacks occurred in the day time.

The only thing unique about this movie was the weapon: the fruit picker. If a pitchfork banged Freddy Krueger’s glove, you’d have the fruit picker. It’s a shame it wasn’t put to good use, or that the limo driver didn’t get his ass kicked.