There were a lot of great films in 2009 but unfortunately most of them did not come from the horror genre. I feel like most of my year was wasted watching bad 3D gimmicks (The Final Destination), boring and uncreative remakes (Friday the 13th) and comedies disguised as horror films (Jennifer’s Body)… Even the films that made our list barely elicit any kind of excitement from me; while entertaining Sam Raimi’s Drag Me To Hell felt lost in the Summer movie season, and Michael Dougherty’s Trick ‘r Treat didn’t seem like is was worth the very long wait. Paranormal Activity just gave me Blair Witch deja vu and unfortunately I managed to miss Zombieland in theaters.
There was a lot of paid for studio hype this year (Paranormal Activity) but I believe once the years tick away, and the hype starts to die, one film will stand out as one of the better horror flicks of the decade… Orphan. Isabelle Fuhrman delivers a Oscar worthy performance as the psycho adopted kid Esther and Jaume Collet-Serra delivered one of the best — if not the best — killer kid movies in horror history. If you were busy getting swept-up in the hype of 2009, and missed the Orphan, do yourself a favor and rent or buy it on DVD ASAP!
I don’t mean to be a downer on this year’s Top Ten List, it is one of Horror Yearbook’s biggest and most popular features every year. I 100% support our writers and Message Board member’s choices… I just think it was slim pickings this year, and not since The Descent, has one movie stood so far above the rest of the pack. 2009 may be remembered as the year Paranormal Activity broke many box office records, but for true horror fans it will also be remembered as the year a little girl named Esther won our hearts.
Our yearly Top Ten list is voted on by our entire staff and Message Board community.
Qualifying Films
- Major theatrical or direct-to-DVD release in 2009
- Foreign film released in the U.S. in 2009 (DVD or theatrical)
- Movies that had a limited or festival run before 2009 that received a DVD release in 2009
- Movies that had a limited or festival run with no 2009 DVD release that happened to hit our radar
#1. ORPHAN
They finally did it. Hollywood finally made an respectable, A list, big budget killer kid thriller with balls as big as my head. It would’ve been so easy for the producers of Orphan, among them Leonardo DiCaprio, to wuss out and make another safe, innocuous, middle brow thriller like The Good Son, or Bless the Child or the remake of The Omen. But Orphan has the guts to go as deep and as dark as any killer kid film has dared to go since The Pit. Armed with terrific, believable performances from indie film darlings Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard, ace characters actors CCH Pounder and Margo Martindale and amazingly layered and complex performances from child actors Jimmy Bennett and Aryana Engineer. But Orphan’s ace in the hole is without a doubt the disturbingly malignant performance of Isabelle Fuhrman as Esther. Best Killer Kid Performance EVER! What starts off looking like another softball creepy kid thriller actually turns into a vicious, shocking, brutally violent, boundary pushing nightmare. What big budget Hollywood thriller would dare show young kids threatened with claw hammers and castration? Orphan would. What big budget Hollywood thriller would allow a ten year old girl to suggestively seduce the thirty something Sarsgaard? Orphan, did it. What big budget Hollywood thriller would dare end with it’s sympathetic family utterly destroyed? Orphan’s the name. Precocious, intelligent, cultured, children are creepy and dangerous. I’ve always believed as much. Orphan proves it. Children are supposed to be stupid and dirty not play Chopin. Orphan pushes boundaries involving the depiction of evil children that even low budget exploitation rarely attempt. Kudos to director Jaume Collet-Serra and writer David Johnson. — Gary G.
#2. DEAD SNOW
Sometimes all it takes is a simple twist, on an overused concept to make a decent horror film. The Norwegian flick, Dead Snow, used dead Nazis and snow to deliver an entertaining and fresh entry into the zombie subgenre.
While most critics were quick to compare it to Shaun of the Dead, I didn’t consider Dead Snow a comedy that featured zombies, but more of a horror film, that featured just enough comedy relief to make it a fun and well rounded flick. Balancing humor, horror with just enough gore is tricky business, but director Tommy Wirkola managed to pull it off, making Dead Snow one of the better horror and zombie movies of 2009. –WIL
#3. DEADGIRL
Deadgirl is a completely new and refreshing zombie film that doesn’t feel like one at all, because it dares to branch away from the standard, accepted Romero storyline. Romero’s films brought life to the zombie sub-genre and those rules of the zombie world and the steps taken in his films have been followed in nearly every zombie film since then. There have been a few other films with creative takes that branch away from the norms, but Deadgirl really gives us something completely different. The word “zombie” is never even used. There is only one zombie in it and through her we are shown a fine line between the monster that clearly lies inside of her and the tortured prisoner she is being used as. There’s viciousness, gore, and a deeply disturbing and gritty feeling to the film, which is only powered by the situation that these boys are holding a girl back from the dead as their literal sex slave. The film is really about what horrible things one can be tempted to do and how lack of acceptance and belittlement can make you turn to find power and control in dark, twisted places. — Kelsey Zukowski
#4. ZOMBIELAND
It would have been so easy to screw this up. Hell, if you listened to the retards at Bloody Disgusting and thought this was actually “Superbad meets Shaun Of The Dead!” you wouldn’t even want to watch it! Talk about a pleasant surprise… Zombieland was one of the rare horror comedies that actually made me laugh out loud, and more than once. I’ll even go a step further and say this is one of the very best flicks I’ve seen all year, horror or otherwise. I think this is definitely more of a comedy than a horror film, but it’s comedy about zombies so horror fans with a sense of humor should dig it. It stands out in a big way for being an original creation. This isn’t another tired remake or lame video game adaptation. It’s not shot with a fucking camcorder. (I am SO sick of that!) It also doesn’t fall into Romero’s tired mindset of attempting to shoehorn social/political commentary into a zombie flick. Zombieland is 90 minutes of pure undead entertainment, and I hope the inevitable sequels are half as good. — Brain Hammer
#5. TRICK ‘R TREAT
After being in distribution hell for two years, Michael Dougherty’s Trick ‘r Treat was finally let loose to the masses as a direct to DVD release. Very original and packed full of genre stars, I ate this movie up from beginning to end. I loved the way that all of the stories fit together, even in ways you don’t expect. I have always been a fan of films that let you see the same event from more than one side (ie Dylan Baker talking to Brain Cox through the fence). In a film like this when nothing is as it seems, the one constant is Sam, whom I believe will be the next horror icon with the likes of Freddy and Jason. Clearly an homage to Creepshow in a sense, Sam is our host for this wild ride and while you might not always see him, he is there. When the focus is finally on him at the end, the film comes full circle and punches you in the face. — Kyle Krueger
#6. DRAG ME TO HELL
Sam Raimi returns to the horror genre and it’s been a long time coming. I was apprehensive because of the pg-13 rating, but I’m happy to report that this flick has enough shock and awe to keep hardened horror fans satisfied. Drag Me To Hell is noisy, fast paced, and over the top horror entertainment. The family friendly rating does not stop the film from being full of wild scenes of supernatural attacks and demonic goats. There was camera work and violent imagery that immediately brought to mind the classic Evil Dead flicks. There was also plenty of the trademark Raimi black humor. The usual great sequences of the characters being thrown around like ragdolls and covered with various bodily fluids. And of course, the appearance of “the classic” 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88. In short, everything fans have come to love and expect from a Sam Raimi movie. — Brain Hammer
#7. OFFSPRING
In a last second executive decision I decided to bump My Bloody Valentine 3D (see Brain Hammer’s original capsule below) for the direct-to-DVD movie Offspring.
While studios are busy “re-imagining” old ideas there is a wealth of great material not being used from the horror literary world. Andrew van den Houten’s Moderncine has turned Jack Ketchum’s novels The Girl Next Door (#10 on HYB’s Top Ten of 2007) and Offspring into great must see direct-to-DVD horror films.
The “feral flesh-eating clan” of Offspring gave the lone inbred mutant of Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead a run for his money this year, and while Isle of the Damned deserves the title of “Best Cannibal Flick of 2009,” Offspring earned a spot on our top ten list for bringing the novels of Jack Ketchum to life… Something I hope to see more of in 2010. — Kevin Touch
#8. MARTYRS
Martyrs is an intensely brutal and intriguing horror film with the theme of victimization vs. martyrdom. Horrendous torturous acts take place one after the other to innocent victims, yet the torturers don’t let themselves fall in to the role of the villain. They use religion to justify their acts. It’s so relentless and painful that they audience could clearly never sympathize, but it gives us morally gray villains who do terrible things and come off as downright evil, but are also interesting and complex characters. Through them the desire for humans to know what comes after death is communicating and just how radically ones can twists their supposedly good hearted intentions to find the answers they want. Writer/director, Pascal Laugier, challenges the horror genre with his film. He creates great suspense and fascinates the audience, but as soon as you start to figure out where the film is headed, he completely turns things around through the pacing, tone and perspective of the film, making sure that his audiences never know what could happen next. The film is almost split in to two; the first belonging to Lucie and the second to Anna. Yet they do collide to an extent, making the movie as a whole stronger. With Lucie’s story on her side and her ability to survive, it gives Anna more strength and hope for enduring everything that is ahead of her. Lucie and Anna are both extremely strong female characters, who endear far more than the vast majority of people would be able to. Martyrs is a brutally gory, intriguing, well developed suspenseful horror film that goes in so many directions and covers an enormous amount of ground. — Kelsey Zukowski
#9. COLD PREY
A Norwegian slasher film with plenty of style, suspense, and great pacing. As a group of friends on a ski trip on a secluded mountain die off one by one, the deaths themselves become a bit of a surprise. In a lot of slasher films especially, it’s pretty clear who’s going to die in what order. The character who gets injured in the first 10 minutes actually lasts much longer than I ever anticipated. Not all the deaths are shown extensively but there is a good amount of blood.
The bright white snow shots in the beginning quickly change to the nighttime faded, gloomy shots when danger and evil are present. It’s a fun film from the beginning and most of the characters are enjoyable, but as people start to disappear and the characters find out more about the sadistic killer’s hotel that they find out they are staying in, the tension increases. Being so far from civilization and any help on top of them being surrounded by snowy mountains makes it harder to get away even if they could attempt to escape. Plus one of their friends is injured and unable to even try this. This turns friends against each other; their fears for their own lives bringing the worst out in them. — Kelsey Zukowski
#10. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
THE SCARIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!!! And if you hear that enough times you just might start to believe it. Hype or no hype, this one went from independent horror obscurity to a household name in no time. Paranormal Activity was clearly the most successfully marketed horror film of 2009. The reaction was mixed, but the people who enjoyed this film were vocal enough to earn it a spot on this list. I thought it was genuinely scary and it was one of the better horror flicks that I saw in the theater in 2009. It will also be interesting to see what the aftermath of the film’s success will bring. I’m guessing we’ll be seeing a lot more paranormal activity at the box office. — Brain Hammer
#11 MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D (Bumped from #7 for Offspring)
All I really hope for when sitting through yet another one of these remakes is some decent splatter and a few chuckles. My Bloody Valentine 3D more than delivered the goods. The best part of this movie was the gory death scenes. I was happy to see a wide assortment of nasty looking pickaxe murders proudly on display. My old pal Todd Farmer wrote the screenplay and I have to say that he did a pretty good job recycling the original storyline and then giving it some decent twists and turns. This film is totally respectful to the original and plays it mostly straight, which I appreciated. There’s a nice oppressive atmosphere in the mines, plenty of juicy splatter from start to finish, and some really hot looking naked chicks. I thought this was the best remake of 2009 and our voters felt the same way. –Brain Hammer
Rob Zombie’s Halloween II was my favorite horror flick of 2009. Sadly, I was in the minority on this one. Seems like Halloween fans had a hard time swallowing all that GHOST HORSE COCK. Michael Myers is back and he brought his beard AND his mom AND her ghost horse! What you have here is the most violent and surreal entry in the Halloween franchise. Zombie never cuts away until the knife rips flesh over and over and over again. The scene where Zombie spends an eternity filming the suffering of some dumb bastard that just lost all his teeth in a car accident ALONE warrants a spot on the list! Only Rob Zombie could dream up a Halloween flick where Laurie Strode is a grubby looking punker chick who lives in a house full of pentagrams and Charles Manson posters. This is entirely Rob Zombie’s original creation, and I for one would rather see a combination of hardcore realistic violence and bizarre hallucinogenic fantasy than shit like Busta Rhymes kicking Mikey’s ass and calling him a bitch. This is a Halloween movie full of brutal violence and it has fucking MOTORHEAD on the soundtrack. There is really no way in Hell this wouldn’t be 100% Brain Hammer approved!
MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981; uncut special edition): Lionsgate
Hands down the coolest dvd release of 2009! Just in time to cash in on their big budget (and 3D!) remake, Lionsgate released the original classic My Bloody Valentine on DVD, UNCUT and uncensored for the first time ever! For many years die hard slasher fans had heard the rumors about the missing gore footage that was trimmed away to earn an R rating. Now seeing is believing, and old Harry Warden has earned his rightful place next to other 80′s slasher icons such as Crospy & Frank Zito! The newly added, completely uncut death scenes make this dvd a fucking must have!
Well it’s time once again to journey through to the septic tank of horror themed entertainment and look at the creme de la creme of crap (I paint a pretty picture don’t I?), and believe me 2009 had a lot of turds to go through.
Dishonorable mentions (they just sucked but didn’t swallow (ah, juvenile humor))
- KISS OF THE VAMPIRE – Ok, one should probably been listed on 2006′s worst list since it took so long to release it and it probably snuck out to DVD since Twilight
made money. It’s had tons of bland vanilla to the already deteriorating crimson mixture of vampires. Russian Kat Williams wrote a 6th grade level creative writing assignment and got whoever she sleeps with in order to stay in the country to make a movie out of it. Plus, she even got her ass casted as the lead to add insult to injury since she’s more wooded than Pinocchio’s dork.
- THE STEPFATHER – Once again director, Nelson McCormick, somehow proves that someone can make remakes worse than Platinum Dunes.
- TWILIGHT: NEW MOON- The Duran Duran side of me made me see this movie on Monday and my 11 year old niece really really really wanted to see it. And since I’m a good Uncle, she’s getting Near Dark, Dracula, Nosferatu, John Carpenter’s Vampires, Fright Night and even The Lost Boys for Christmas so she can see real vampire movies. I tossed in The Wolfman and Wolfen to cover werewolf movies. The Twilight movies are the boy bands to the horror movie rock and roll world and I can’t wait for the fad to fade.
- The 4 dozen “original” movies from the Sci Fi Channel (I refuse to can it SyFy because that sounds like a Jewish Asian lawyer) – Ok Phantom Racer made me chuckle, but the majority of the conveyor belt schlock should only be viewed by the “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ gang. Maybe that’s why the channel got rid of the show in the first place?
On a sidenote, Did you see when the guy who played “Malachai” in the Children of the Corn remake (which premiered on the Sci Fi Channel which is why I’m bringing this up) jumped like a pansie when the car exploded. Now that was too fucking funny.
Moving on!
ANOTHER NIGHT IN CHINA
OK boo me all you want, because I know it’s a porno, but dang this movie hurt my poor feeble little mind. Yes, it just a handheld camera movie of Sean Waltman (aka The Lightning Kid, The 1-2-3 Kid, Syxx, X-Pac, 6-Pac) having sex with Joanie Laurer (aka Chyna), but it’s a sequel to basically the same thing that was released 5 years earlier and it’s much more graphic. Yes, the mini corn pierced penis looking thing of Chyna’s is back and sicker than ever. Yes, at one time Ms. Laurer’s Playboy pictorial was one of the highest selling Playboy issues of all time, but that was mainly due to the fact that professional wrestling was at it’s popularity peaks and that many of the large population of the core fan base wanted to see if Chyna had a penis. And this and the previous film proved that Playboy did a shitload of airbrushing. It was one of the most difficult movies that I’ve ever gotten through and hell no did I jerk off to it!
Sometimes, being Satan’s Screener is alot harder than one might think.
NO CONTEST! Young Adult Novelist ERIC MORSE! Horror Yearbook’s archnemesis spent most of 2009 ranting about and bashing us on his radio show, My Space and only god knows where else. He even went as far as reporting myself (WIL) to the FBI for “cyber crimes.” Morse aka William Fattison has three obsessions, food, Dark Spider and me and I couldn’t love him more. Fattison supplied us with hours upon hours of entertainment in 2009 earning himself his own special place in our HYB Walk of Fame — from his weekly radio rants about us “Fucktards” to his hilarious failed attempts at being charitable, this is one fat man who will always be close to our hearts.
“It was like getting a hand job from an old lady without cumming.”
– Chris Cooper talking about After Dark Horrorfest on Horror Yearbook Radio
“It was Christmas Even 1970 and I smoked a joint. I saw an image of a Santa Claus with a
knife in his hands. Ten years later, I figured out how to make the script work.”
– Lewis Jackson director of Christmas Evil during his interview w/Brain Hammer
“What drugs were you smoking when you wrote Jason X”
— Brain Hammer talking to Jason X screenwriter Todd Farmer on Horror Yearbook Radio
“Horror Yearbook is where the real devil’s rejects hang out, depraved beasts that delight in the ruin of decency and shun critical thought.”
– Enochs Roomate aka The Smartest Man on the Internet
“Star Trek is kind of like… watching my grandpa pass out to the TV Guide Channel. Star Wars on the other hand is like watching my grandma give my grandpa a bj while he’s passed out to the TV Guide Channel.”
– Andrew aka Zombiecrew on HYB’s Message Board during the Terminator vs. Star Trek discussion
“If you like something it’s best not to rape it.”
– Kunt and the Gang in response to a fan e-mail from Chris, informing him how much he liked his music
“The only thing sadder than this list is the fact that a forum like this exists.”
– Anonymous Dig member responding to HYB’s 2009 Celebrity Death List being the number 1 story
Quote of the Year
“I came here to promote a charity and got harassed and insulted. Think about that HMF. Think about that and be ashamed…”
– Young adult novelist Eric Morse blaming HorrorMovieFans.com for his feud with WIL Keiper
Special Thanks
Once again I would like to thank our readers, message board members and mostly our staff for making Horror Yearbook one of the strangest, fun and successful horror websites on the Interwebs. I can’t wait to see what fuckery we manage to pull out of our asses in 2010!
Thanks to our wonderful staff and contributers of 2009 (in no special order)
Amanda by Night
Andrew Walsh
Brain Hammer
Chris Cooper
Gary Gaymon
Jerry Dennis
Kelsey Zukowski
Sarah Pullin
Kyle Kruger
Kevin Touch
Madeline Koestner
Morgan Suzek
Noel Penaflor
Press Release Robot
Also thanks to Steven, Horror Movie Fans, Retro Slashers and Greg Lamberson.
I didn’t see a single one of these! I did see and like I SELL THE DEAD, though.
Good list for the most part. It nice to see films like “Dead Snow” and “Cold Prey” on the list. Also I second, Greg’s thought on “I Sell the Dead”. Very Good film.
I’m a little disturbed that My Bloody Valentine 3D was even considered. That movie made me cry blood and not in that fun ebola having kind of way.
How the hell did “Paranormal Activity” make the top ten? I felt like I had been jacking off with sandpaper when I watched it… they screwed up the time frame by using things that didn’t even exist when it was “supposedly” shot and didn’t know a freaking thing about the firearms used to shoot the broad… totally fake and insipid!
Everything’s subjective, no point in arguing the why did’s and why didn’t's. And even if PARANORMAL ACTIVITY sucked (I didn’t see it), it was the most important horror film of the year for kicking SAW 1,000′s ass and telling the studios that people are more interested in something new than another retread.
Great list! Gary G’s take on Orphan is right on the money and Brian Hammer is my hero for defending H2. (Although I don’t think he should have bumped Valentine 3-D for Offspring) Love that you included Cold Prey up there as well. -Unk
First of all let me say I’m flattered that you even mentioned my name at the bottom of the list. I barely did anything for the site and you still treat me like family…God, that’s one reason I miss this place. I haven’t even had time to work on my own site lately, let alone HYB, but I got an email about this one and I was intrigued. The best of 2009, wow! I’ve seen one of the films on HYB’s list (technically two), which proabaly explains why 2009 was a shitty year in horror for me. Drag Me to Hell was amazing, never have I seen so many disgusting things go in someone’s mouth. Awesome! Trick R’ Treat was my “technically” because my DVD decided that I didn’t need to see the end of the film, it was okay. I personally enjoyed Final Destination: Death Trip (didn’t see it in 3D) and Saw VI, but I have my reasons…mainly my best friend and my little brother…long story. Other than that I definitely think Twilight is one of the worst films of EVER and I don’t think Halloween II should’ve made the list (although I didn’t and probably won’t ever see it). Oh and Brian Hammer has the right idea, the re-release of the original My Bloody Valentine was not only the single best thing about any remake, but it was also the greatest thing DVD has given me in a long time.
Good Lord! Orphan is number one? Really?… I mean… really!? That movie was dumber than gravel! Predictable. Redundant. Poorly acted and poorly directed. She’s a freakin’ dwarf! I can’t even respond to that brain-dead pile of cinematic baby vomit without laughing out loud! Go see Patty McCormick in the original Bad Seed, or even The Children or Grace to see the killer kid thing done with a thousand times more skill and chills. The Orphan made me want to shove live pigeons in my eye sockets rather than ever have to witness such boring, unspired filmmaking ever again!
Here’s my top 10 for 2009
1. Martyrs [French philosophical torture porn with a twist]
2. Anti-Christ [Super-Artzy mysoginy and brutality with Willem Dafoe]
3. Trick r’ Treat [Way fun contemporary Halloween classic]
4. The Children [British killer kid flick only parents can truly appreciate]
5. Paranormal Activity [Effective indy chiller which Speilberg fouled up slightly with his spx-heavy ending]
6. Zombieland [Hopefully the final word on the now-tired zombie subgenre]
7. Grace [Awesome cannibal baby creepfest]
8. Feast 3 [just because of the WTF? ending]
9. My Bloody Valentine [Predictable slasher with awesome 3D!]
10. Drag Me To Hell [Raimi's disappointing Buffy vs. diet Evil Dead-lite]
He,he,he Orphan sucked pretty hard.