THE SEX FILES: A DARK XXX PARODY
(2009)
Directed by Sam Hain
Starring: Kimberly Kane as Scully and Anthony Rosano as Mulder
Also Featuring Aurora Snow as a Secretary, Evan Stone since he’s about in every porno flick (and every recent Fred Olen Ray directed Cinesnatch Friday After Dark flick), Ashlynn Brooke as Lilith, and Rod Fantana as Skinner.

With the online surge of internet porn becoming the new go to destination for perverts and the purveyors of the perverted arts, which in turn brought the porno industry quickly down in financial heights and quickly made them turn to the one staple of their business which nearly had been forgotten about over the last 10 years, the porn parody movie.

Yes, as Gore Vidal once mentioned, “The porn business has prostituted itself.” I don’t want to go a whole BOOGIE NIGHTS written detail over the last 10 years of porno here since I am a big dumb lazy bastard and the more info on the topic of smut I disclose will further convict me of perversity. Needlessly to say, there has less titles like ON GOLDEN BLOND and more like SHUT UP AND BLOW ME #98, but desperate times bring desperate measures and a return to a pseudo creativeness has returned to the pornographic arts (instead of the regular plastic surgery). But hey, you did get a Gore Vidal quote out of me.

Digital Sin and Revolution X Studios have scored big time with their title, THE SEX FILES: A DARK XXX PARODY. The film is light on laughs, but that wasn’t really the intent of this project since the subject of the parody the dark paranormal conspiracy theory loving television series, “The X Files”. I heard that Fox wasn’t too happy of this parody movie’s existence, and I can understand that, yet I feel that corporate suits and lawyers should lighten up since just a very well done fan film made for fans who wanted to see their favorite characters get together in a more graphic detail than Fox would ever tease them with.

And to tell you the truth, I’m not the biggest “X-Files” fan. I haven’t seen the 2 movies and only watched about 5 episodes altogether (4 for a class in college and the other one since it had Burt Reynolds in it), so I may not be the best judge of the source material of the typical hardcore fan. I get the idea of the show, but there’s no way I’m gonna know Mulder’s favorite Slim Whitman song. But I do know that this film is a very well made film which shows it’s admiration of the source material. This film looks like an episode of “The X-Files”, a much cheaper episode which features a weaker supernatural plot line, but still it looks like an episode of “The X-Files”. It sounds like an episode of “The X-Files”. I’m surprise all the music of this production was from DeWolfe Music Library. The score was selected very well to fit with the original tv show score. I was certain that they hired an actually composer in order to capture the musical elements of the tv series such as “Family Guy” does when they want to parody something, but can’t get the exact tune to what they want to make fun of due to legal issues The casting of Kimberly Kane as Agent Scully is spot on. She has the exact same perfect attractiveness of Gillian Anderson as in you would do anything to tap that, yet you can’t explain why since she doesn’t fit the mold of the Stepford Blond bots that Hugh Hefner wants you to find attractive and she doesn’t have the flawed yet still popular features of a Sarah Jessica Parker, Julia Roberts, or Reese Witherspoon have that gay magazine writers and your girlfriends seem to love. She’s just a whole lot of redheaded sexy goodness. Now, Anthony Rosano puts in a good solid performance. I believed everything Rosano said and kudos for being able to last so long while fucking red hot Kimberly Kane (um, spoiler alert), but he’s not David Duchovny. He does a good job, but when they hit the jackpot with Kimberly Kane one would think they would of tried harder to find a Duchovny clone. There’s no sleepy monotone line delivery. Heck, I think Duchcovny would of done the flick if they asked him nice enough and the reported sexual addiction is true (he did do “Red Shoe Diaries” well into “The X-Files” run).

Another fault I had with this movie is the first sex scene. It involves Skinner and yes the actor they have who plays Skinner (Rod Fantana) looks a lot like Mitch Pileggi. Now, Mitch Pileggi is a great character actor, I just don’t want to seem him in a sex scene. Let alone a sex scene that is over 20 minutes long with several positions even if it involves Aurora Snow. Plus, he doesn’t even do the shocker! (2 in the pinkie, 1 in the stinkie) If he would of done that, I would have gave the scene a pass. Note to producers who plan on making a “Monk” porn parody: if you plan on having a sex scene involving Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, before he porks the chick he must say, “Would you fuck me? I’d Fuck me.” But I digress.

Anyway, the big finale of “The SEX FILES” is every fan boy and girls wet dream. This finale scene is probably the closest and most graphic account to the fan fiction that they been writing for years. And to tell you the truth, it’s actually well done. Sam Haim does a first rate orchestrion of the sex act (plus, there’s never the gross shot where all you see is the dude’s balls and ass). The performers actually act out and give a good performance of love making between two characters. Most porn scenes usually feature actors going through the motions where the actress says a “ooo” and a “ah” here and there with no meaning and an actor is concentrating hard in order not to bust a nut in the next minute so he has that blank algebra solving stare going the whole time. This scene has the actors acting with eyes along with their junk. It actual rises above the usual standards of the porno low bar.

So if you like “The X-Files” check it out. And if you want a movie to jerkoff to, check it out.

3 1/2 stars or boners or what ever out of 4 on a porn movie scale. I don’t know it’s a porn movie, but it’s a good porn movie.

And don’t tell anybody that I told you about it.