Dear Penthouse,

I have heard about this happening to other people, but never thought it would happen to me…

Do you know why people like horror movies? Not just because they are scary. They can also be kind of taboo breaking, featuring lots of stuff like blood and/or naked women. I love that. It’s kind of gratifying, even if not always on a sexual level. Breaking taboos is neat. You can have lots of naked flesh and maybe chicks kissing each other and stuff. All I can tell you Penthouse was that it was so unexpected when I bought my ticket today to see The Stepfather, but here’s what happened…

OK, so there is this guy played by Dylan Walsh from Nip/Tuck who kills his family and then changes his identity to David Harris and moves to a new town where he meets this lonely divorcee named Susan Harding (Sela Ward). He (very) briefly woos her and quickly moves in with her and two of her kids. OK, so not so hot yet, right? Well, then we see this guy and this girl outside Susan’s house making out, and then interacting like they’re brother and sister! I was all, “Wow, this is so hot!” But then you find out they are just boyfriend and girlfriend and the scene was just badly written and directed. OK, but now I’m ready for it, you know…

So, this guy who was making out with his sister/girlfriend is Susan’s son Michael (Penn Badgley) and he’s all back from military school and so you know he’s a sexy badass right? And this sister/girlfriend of his named Kelly (Amber Heard who desperately needs a sandwich) is all slutty, right? Like, she dresses so embarrassingly whorish but Michael’s family just loves her cuz she’s nice or something. Anyway, Michael tries to like his Stepfather-to-be, but he keeps stumbling around the second floor catching David doing something downstairs he shouldn’t be doing, like whispering to himself and stuff. So, that’s the voyeurism part, I guess. And little by little Michael starts to think that maybe David is evil or something. He has a couple of supporters here, namely Susan’s lesbian sister Jackie played by Paige Turco (that’s right… a lesbian!). She doesn’t like David – maybe cuz he’s a man or something – but she seems to be one of the only women who finds David off-putting. At one point, Jackie has just gotten out of the shower and her girlfriend is just getting in, so I’m all, yeah, lesbian action, but they don’t show anything and I don’t understand why they would waste an opportunity to have two women showering together, opting to have them in robes talking about a man. Lame.

Anyway, Michael persists in his mystery solving and sometimes calls his sister/girlfriend/whore and she’s always in panties and a tank top and… a bra. I don’t understand why someone would dress so scantily and then wear a dumb white bra that pooches underneath the thin top. And by this point, we realize he’s not a military badass, he’s just dumb teenager who never gets to have sex and probably watches reruns of Dawson’s Creek.

Oh yeah, and a couple of people get killed.

At this point Penthouse I realized that not all horror movies set out to be taboo breaking. Sometimes they apparently don’t even set out to be scary. I thought the lead guy was pretty good, but the movie was very Lifetime-y, without any strong female characters or anything of interest to the plot. This is a remake of a much better movie from the 80s with Terry O’Quinn in a harrowing performance and Jill Schoelen as the smart and likable final girl who, gulp, gets naked. You don’t get shit here Penthouse. I mean, not even PG-13 stuff. Maybe a curse word or something, but really. If you want to make a TV movie, make a movie for TV; don’t sucker us into something that promises to be enticing or at least entertaining. I’m onto you Stepfather; you’re not sexy at all. And worse yet, you’re downright boring. Go away. We are totally not doing it tonight.

Sincerely,

Amanda By Night