Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Your old pal Brain Hammer is back with another batch of Brain Hammer approved PICKS FROM THE CRYPT. This time around I’m throwing the spotlight on a sinister selection of overlooked and underrated old school horror and exploitation flicks that feature classroom carnage. Thank God you’ve graduated! LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!

GRADUATION DAY (1981)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0082467

A gifted high school track star named Paula drops dead after an especially grueling 30 second 100 meter dash. Her overbearing coach George Michaels (Christopher George of “Pieces” & “Enter The Ninja” legend!) assumes most of the blame for pushing the girl too hard and is eventually fired. Paula’s tragic accidental death inspires a psychopath to go on a killing rampage. A lunatic in a fencing outfit hacks their way through the remaining Midvalle High track team members and makes them run for their lives. Armed with a stopwatch, the killer always times the brutal murders and tries to kill in 30 seconds or less.

The less than prime suspects include the crabby coach, the switchblade wielding high school principal, Blondie – the principal’s secretary who is up to her garter belt in work, Virgil Frye (Revenge Of The Ninja) as the dimwitted and disgruntled campus security officer, the disgusting yet inexplicably popular horny old music teacher who suffers a little blackmail from the eternally topless and destined to be slaughtered Linnea Quigley, and Paula’s butch older sister Laura (Patch Mackenzie) – who has just returned home from the Marines for Paula’s funeral. Laura will be receiving Paula’s diploma at the upcoming Graduation Day ceremonies, if the quickly diminishing study body lasts that long. Graduating from high school has never been so deadly!

The co-writer and director Herb Freed was convinced that the secret to a successful slasher flick somehow related to the timing of the murder sequences. He thought that it had something to do with how quickly the lethal events took place, or how much time elapsed between the murder scenes. Interesting theory. But I have to question the overwhelming amount of ANNOYING MUSIC that was contained in Herb’s equation for success. GRADUATION DAY opens with a lengthy opening montage of young athletes in action that reeks of stale disco cheese. Then there’s a down home good ol’ whiteboy soul jam called “Graduation Day Blues” highlighted by the harmonica playing skills of the boyfriend of the dead girl. It hurts, but not nearly as bad as the unholy seven and half minutes dedicated to the band “Felony” and their wretched turd of a song called “Gangster Rock!” Despite the fact that this flick came out in 1981, Felony is painted up like KISS and have a particularly horrid disco-rock hybrid sound. The singer of the band is fucking terrible, and listening to seven monotonous minutes of the same verse and chorus is sheer torture. The music is far more brutal than the gore in this one.

Not to say that the killings are weak in GRADUATION DAY. It delivers the goods when it comes to creative deaths. I love the football and pole vault impalements. There are also multiple beheadings, skewerings, and stabbings to enjoy. The shoddy gore effects are somewhat laughable, but there’s no shortage of blood. The acting is hit or miss but not nearly as bad as you might expect. Patch Mackenzie does a good job with a rather limited role and I love Christopher George as the asshole coach. Any flick with Christopher George is Brain Hammer approved. Christopher was even nice enough to get his sexy young niece Vanna White a small role in the film. The killer turns in a great performance too. I can’t say much more to avoid spoilers, but the final scene when the killer’s identity and motivations are revealed is excellent, as is the extended fight the killer has with the ass kicking heroine.

GRADUATION DAY came out during the peak of the slasher genre and managed to carve up some decent box office with nearly $24 million! It has gone on to become something of a cult classic, and a favorite of 80’s slasher enthusiasts. Troma released a very nice dvd of GRADUATION DAY that includes a short interview with Linnea Quigley and a slew of the usual nonsense you have come to love and expect from a Troma dvd release including multiple trailers for other Troma films and an annoying intro from Lloyd Kaufman.

Do you have the GUTS to watch some Graduation Day death scenes?!?

CLASS OF 1984 (1982)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0083739

A masterpiece of prophetic punk rock perfection written and directed by Mark L. Lester, who also helmed the classic “Commando.” An idealistic pacifist music teacher named Andy Norris (played by the bearded and sensitive looking Perry King) is transferred to Lincoln High, an ultra violent and dangerous inner city high school. After settling into the neighborhood with his pregnant wife he immediately runs afoul of the local teenage gestapo, led by the brilliant yet twisted student Peter Stegman. (played by Timothy Van Patten of “White Shadow” & “Master Ninja” infamy)

Stegman is a ruthless kingpin of crime who controls the booming high school drug and prostitution rackets. His slightly less than impressive gang consists of: Drugstore: the skinny and strung out drug dealer and wisecracker, Fallon: the muscle who beats people up and breaks in the new prostitutes, Barnyard: the token fat slob who loves The Clash, and Patsy: the pasty faced punk rock skank. The five of them somehow manage to control the entire school population and staff AND dominate other rival gangs via intimidation and violence. There’s an awesome racially fueled gang fight between the Swastika sporting punks and a Black gang highlighted by the young Caribbean accented gang leader saying “No one messes around with my man Leroy. I’m gonna cut you white meat!”A fresh faced and non twitchy Michael J Fox appears in an important supporting role as a band geek who takes a shank to the kidneys after narcing on the gang for selling his best friend a lethal dose of dust.

Mr. Norris tries his best to do things by the book and keep the kids in line but it proves useless. He tries to turn the kids in but the police are unable to do anything because of a lack of proof. His only ally in the school is the burnt out and booze addled Biology teacher, played very convincingly by the legendary Roddy McDowall. After a sick and disgusting act of retribution where the punks skin every cute little bunny in the bio lab, Roddy eventually snaps and decides to teach his class at gunpoint! Mr. Norris barely manages to talk him out of blowing the students away, and he will eventually regret that decision.

During a bizarre bathroom showdown with the teacher, Stegman smashes his own face into a mirror and convincingly blames Mr. Norris for it. Norris finally gets pissed off and destroys Stegman’s beloved automobile in return. Stegman then declares all out war on the teacher. The movie reaches a whole new level of nastiness when the punks show up at the Norris household and gang rape his pregnant wife! This unspeakable act leads to the final showdown at the big band recital. The pasty faced punk rock skank (who looks very fuckable by the way!) shows up and presents Polaroids of the dirty deed to Mr. Norris, which is enough to finally make him ditch his pacifist ways and start spilling blood like a man! This teacher will assure that the class of 1984 will earn a higher degree in pain! “Life is pain. Pain is everything. You will learn.”

I’m a huge fan of this flick! Few revenge themed films are this satisfying. The end sequence where Mr. Norris has to fight his way though the high school and finally gets his revenge on the gang is fantastic. Arms are severed, table saws sever spines, people are set on fire, plummet to their deaths, and are crushed with cars! This flick is also exceptionally well made and acted. It almost plays like an after school special, only with a bad case of herpes. This flick drips with a genuinely sleazy punk rock atmosphere. There’s a nifty scene where Stegman and his pals go to a punk rock club and skank to the ripping sounds of Teenage Head! Speaking of music, I almost forget to mention the incredibly cheesy theme song “I Am The Future” which was provided by Alice Cooper. Quite an embarrassment for old Alice, as it sounds like a very lame Broadway tune!

Anchor Bay released a beautiful dvd of CLASS OF 1984 that features goodies like the trailer, a director’s commentary track, and interviews with Perry King and his on-screen wife Merrie Lynn Ross. I highly recommend a purchase. This one gets better every time I watch it.

Get a taste of TEENAGE HEAD!

SLAUGHTER HIGH (1986)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0091969

Simon Scuddamore (RIP) stars as Marty Rantzen, a nerdy Doddsville High chemistry major who is constantly tormented by a rowdy pack of mean spirited classmates. An elaborate series of April Fool’s Day pranks begins with Caroline “Maniac” Munro’s character Carol Manning teasing Marty’s cock and luring him into the girls shower. Marty’s wet dream becomes a nightmare when instead of a naked and soapy Carol he discovers the gang lying in wait for him instead.

Armed with flash photography, they poke the naked teen with a yardstick and yell “WHERE’S THE BEEF?” Then they give him a taste of 280 volts, which is enough to send him to the floor. The black janitor sees this happen and runs and tells the gym teacher that “they’re foolin’ about in the girl’s shower room!” The boys drag Marty into the toilet and proceed to give him the mother of all swirlies. Poor Marty might have drowned if not for the coach finally showing up to save his naked ass.

The coach punishes the culprits with a detention workout, and enjoys humiliating Marty a bit too much before letting him off the hook. The wisecracking and jester mask sporting leader of the gang – Skippy, vows revenge on Marty and hatches yet another demented scheme to pay him back. Two of the bullies pretend to apologize to Marty and offer him a laced joint as a mock peace offering. Marty accepts and goes off to the chem lab, where he eagerly fires it up. The tainted dirtweed makes Marty sick and he runs to the john to throw up. That gives Skippy the chance to trick the coach into letting him leave the detention, at that exact same moment mind you, so he can sneak into the lab and cook up an unstable chemical concoction on a red hot bunson burner. I should also mention the bottle of nitric acid lurking overhead on a flimsy wooden shelf. Marty returns to the lab after puking his guts up just in time for Skippy’s sabotage to take effect and a massive fire breaks out. Marty tries to stop the fire and gets a face full of nitric acid for his efforts. Then the lab explodes.

Marty somehow survives the accident, but is badly burned and horribly disfigured. As he is being wheeled out by paramedics Carol attempts to apologize which gives Marty one last chance to grab at her – BUT IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM! Or a flashback if you will. Carol was having a nightmare. Since graduating from Doddsville High, Carol has grown up and become a successful b-movie actress. Her sleazy agent Manny (played by the infamous Dick Randall) tries to talk her into a career in porn. You can tell Manny is a producer of tremendous class because he has a “PIECES” poster on the wall of his office! Carol turns down Manny’s generous offer to star in skin flicks and decides to go to her crummy class reunion instead.

Incredibly enough the entire motley crew of high school friends that participated in the April Fool’s Day brutality years before agree to return to the school for a special April Fool’s reunion. Even more incredibly, the gang seems to find nothing particularly unusual about the fact that Doddsville High has been closed and deserted for five years, or that they were the only alumni invited to the reunion. Undeterred, the old friends decide to break into the abandoned school for a night of wacky fun. Then things get even more bizarre when they discover that a well stocked party has been prepared in one of the classrooms. Someone even took the time to set up their old lockers inside the classroom. After some joking around for old times sake Skippy takes credit for the evening’s festivities. Then he does some of Carol’s “really good” cocaine and nods out.

Things get interesting when Marty (now sporting Skippy’s old jester mask) makes his presence known in the halls and nails the former black janitor turned black caretaker to a door. Then the same guy who gave Marty the laced joint chugs a beer can full of acid which causes his intestines to swell until they burst through his abdomen, causing a mighty explosion that sprays blood onto the face of the cross eyed asian chick! She wanders off and goes upstairs to take a bath (!) and slips into a tub full of acid. Marty’s former tormentors are then forced to hide out in the school or attempt to flee into the night. Marty majored in cutting his classmates, and one by one they are impaled, disemboweled with a riding lawn mower, electrocuted during sex, drowned in sewage, and hung. This unbelievable carnage leaves Carol alone to run around the halls of horror for a good long time before the eye popping twist ending is brought in to throw everything out the window again. APRIL FOOL’S!

SLAUGHTER HIGH was produced by the dreaded duo of Steve Minasian and Dick Randall, who also brought us slasher classics like “Pieces” and “Don’t Open Til Christmas.” The film was originally going to be titled “April Fool’s Day,” but Paramount beat them to the punch. Paramount should have beat them with even more punches, as SLAUGHTER HIGH featured a recycled score from “Friday The 13th” alumni Harry Manfredini. Most of the “original” score consists of eight synth notes that are maddeningly repeated over and over again. It is impossible to watch this flick without getting that tune stuck in your head. SLAUGHTER HIGH is sometimes accused of being a generic, or even inferior 80’s slasher flick, but the nasty gore effects make it stand out in a big way. The unrated version of this flick features some very juicy splatter.

Tounges are firmly in cheek for most of the proceedings, and fans of unintentional humor will get a kick out of the lame attempts to hide the actors’ thick British accents. I get a big kick out of Dick Randall’s cameo as the sleazy producer. Simon Scuddamore does a great job as Marty, and makes a very sympathetic lead. It’s a shame that he committed suicide shorty after starring in this picture. I would have liked to have seen him in other things. Caroline Munro looks beautiful here, but her makeup and wardrobe is full on 80’s hideousness. Some people have complained about the twist ending, but I think it makes sense within the context of the film and it adds a lot of fun to any repeat viewings. It also provides the filmmakers with an opportunity to throw in yet another splatter murder. No complaints here. This is a fucking classic. It’s finally available on dvd and no respectable horror collection is complete without it.

Check out the classic Vestron Video trailer!

CUTTING CLASS (1989)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0097136

Paula Carson (Jill Schoelen) is a pretty high school cheerleader who gets caught in a lover’s triangle between her troubled basketball superstar bad boy boyfriend Dwight (Brad Pitt, in his first major film role!) and Brian (Donavon Leitch), the disturbed yet sensitive new kid who has just been released from a mental institution after killing his father. Dwight and Brian have a secret history (Righty tighty, lefty loosey!) and when Brian shows up offering Paula his hot dog because she had “that look” Dwight explodes with jealousy.

When Paula’s Father (Martin Mull!) goes off for a duck hunting vacation he has an arrow put through his chest by an unseen assailant with a deadly grudge against the bumbling district attorney. Then the killer pursues Paula and eliminates any member of the student body or faculty that gets in the way. The asshole art teacher gets extra crispy inside a 500 degree kiln, the haggard vice principal (Nancy Fish) has her face smashed into a xerox machine, and the flabby gym coach is impaled with an American flag while happily bouncing on a trampoline (the inspiration for Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving, perhaps?)! A couple of Paula’s friends are snuffed too. Then the killer sets a deadly trap inside a classroom for Paula and the Math teacher to solve or suffer the consequences (Saw stole everything from this movie!). No one said surviving high school would be easy, but Paula didn’t didn’t know someone very close to her would be willing to kill to fit in.

CUTTING CLASS opens with a fantastic scene where Jill fetches the morning paper clad only in her white t-shirt and it’s sexy as hell! You don’t see anything, but she just looks so damn naughty doing it. I love that scene! Pretty much the whole movie consists of men leering at Jill’s character. Every man in the movie (with the exception of her father) checks out her ass and tries to get her in the sack. The art teacher enjoys closely examining her stretching and accommodating young muscles. The flabby gym coach snuggles up close to help her improve her archery technique. Even the fruity high school principal played by the late great Roddy McDowall (Class Of 1984) can’t resist her. He even buys Jill a new cheerleading uniform just for the supreme pleasure of seeing her bend over in a short skirt to pick up the package! Jill carries the film as the leading lady with ease, and always looks great doing it. B-movie favorite Brenda James (Slither) co-stars and steals the show as the fast living hot blooded redhead cheerleader with no panties and breasts big enough to feed a family of four! WOW!

Then there’s the man himself – Brad Pitt. He plays a tough but tender high school rebel with a penchant for child endangerment (he even wears a red jacket to make it obvious that he is a rebel without a cause!). He gets to display his incredible white boy basketball skills AND unleash a jivey sounding black voice to say “I ain’t got no basketball scholarship!” after blowing his big shot with “the university!” I especially like the scene where Brad assures his girlfriend that he’s bigger than her father “where it matters.” This is truly a debut leading man performance to be proud of.

Brad’s male co-star is the internet favorite Donovan Leitch. Popular with both the guys and the gals (especially the guys), Donovan also appeared in the 1988 remake of The Blob (great flick). I got a chuckle out of reading his credit as “featured dancer” in the 1984 urban classic Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo! Donovan does a great job as the disturbed young man who rides a bike with rainbow tassels on the handlebars and implores people to “gimme that man talk.” MAN TALK?!?

Director Rospo Pallenberg’s CUTTING CLASS was one of the very last gasps of the 80’s slasher craze. And a great flick too. I think it’s criminally underrated and often misunderstood. It’s not so much a mocking parody of a high school slasher flick, but is instead a rather tame high school slasher flick done with a lot of cheesy humor. No surprise, as it was written by Steve Slavkin, who also wrote the beloved tv series Salute Your Shorts! There’s no graphic gore, but a fair amount of blood is splattered. The mystery of the the killer’s identity is sort of a joke, or perhaps I just find characters identified as “violent schizophrenics” who have endured hours of shock therapy to be overly suspicious.

Horror fans with a sense of humor and a taste for the gloriously cheesy 80’s should really enjoy this. Lionsgate was kind enough to recently release an unrated version of CUTTING CLASS on dvd. This would make a great addition to any 80’s horror fan’s collection.

Check out some CUTTING CLASS carnage!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!