The girls of Theta Pi. Some will live…most will die. SORORITY ROW begins full swing in the middle of the annual Theta Pi sorority freshman pledge night. I immediately began feeling punch drunk myself from the chaotic camera work and rapid fire MTV styled editing. Then things get grounded in more familiar slasher film territory – an elaborate meanspirted prank that backfires in a big way and turns deadly. This time around the prank involves roofies, a faked overdose, and the sheer hilarity of dead body disposal. The fun is short lived and the male victim of the prank freaks out for real and plunges a tire iron into the chest of his supposedly dead lover.

The girls promptly panic and begin arguing about what to do. The head bitch in charge of the prank has her own future in mind and decides that dumping her sorority sister’s dead body down an abandoned well is the best solution. There’s an entire side plot about this bitch trying to impress the evil and powerful father of her boyfriend, but it exists only to stretch the running time and eventually fades out like a dying rat. Anyways, the girls dump the body and everybody makes the promise to keep their mouths shut.

Then we flash forward 8 months to graduation day. The Theta Pi girls plan one last bash before leaving the sorority and their secret behind them. Then the girls begin receiving odd messages from an unknown caller who obviously shares their sinister secret. As the party rages, a killer clad in a hooded graduation robe makes their deadly presence known and begins laying waste to the sex crazed sisters and their obnoxious drunken frat boy love interests. The girls then try to cover their tracks and find out who is cutting their classmates.

I would imagine that synopsis sounds familiar to anyone who enjoys classic 80’s slasher flicks. There’s good reason, director Stewart Hendler’s SORORITY ROW is a remake of the 1983 slasher film The House On Sorority Row. However, this is a remake in (partial) name only. The story has been completely changed. I was interested to see that House On Sorority Row writer and director Mark Rosman was on board as a producer and that he also wrote the original screenplay, which was titled “Seven Sisters.” Remakes are always a hit or miss thing regardless of who is involved creatively, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that Mark hasn’t completely lost his touch when it comes to slasher films. There’s a lot of humor in this one but the laughs never completely drown out the terror or make the film feel too campy. The characters make a lot of wisecracks about themselves and how cliched they are, but coming from a guy who actually helmed one of those films that spawned such characters it feels authentic instead of condescending.

This was actually one of the better slasher flicks I’ve seen in a while. It’s worth repeating that this isn’t really a remake of anything, which is why I appreciated the efforts. This is exactly what a slasher fan might hope for. There’s a lot of good looking girls, the time tested prank that turns deadly, the cover up attempt and eventual murderous revenge that follows, and a handful of violent deaths that are administered by an unknown killer in black. There’s also some nice dramatic scoring throughout the film that adds a touch of class. The death scenes of course are the meat of the matter, and I thought SORORITY ROW delivered the goods in that department as well. There are multiple stabbings on display and a “wine bottle down the throat” set piece that was really nasty. There was also a death scene that ended with a cool sideways shot of blood trickling down the victims face. I was afraid this one was going to be tame in the actual horror department, but the death scenes are all tightly edited for maximum impact in the tradition of the Friday The 13th flicks.

What about the GIRLS you ask? Well, there’s no shortage of eye candy. There’s lots of cute girls, and you get to see them in all sorts of various dress up situations including party dresses and bikinis. There’s also a great shower scene that has plenty of stunt breasts in the background. That is exactly the sort of padding I like to see in a film. The girls are all decent actresses, but the characters are pretty much interchangeable and I honestly had a had time keeping track of who was who. The only actress who really stood out to me was Jamie Chung, but that was likely due to my Asian school girl fetish and the fact that she was the only non-blonde tits on a stick girl in the main cast. There was a really hot girl who plays the sister of the dead girl, but I didn’t catch her character name so I can’t give her a shout out. She looked really good in her underwear though and perverts should keep an eye out for her. She sort of looks like Winnie Cooper.

As you can see, I’m going to be fairly forgiving of this one. It’s not exactly high art, but for what it was I enjoyed it. This will never be mistaken for a modern masterpiece of any sort but I think it stands out a bit for being a slasher remake that isn’t a pale imitation of it’s predecessor. I actually think the biggest thing holding this film back is the name. Even though it was shortened a bit it still makes you think about the original film and how much better it was. If this flick was titled “Seven Sisters” instead and wasn’t billed as a remake of any sort it might get a bit more attention. I’m sure that the two big questions on the minds of fans of the original film are “Is there a head in the toilet?” and “Does SEA PIG make an appearance?” I will happily answer those questions for those fans by saying NO and YES, but sadly he pales in comparision to the original. You just don’t see tubby fucks in tighty whiteys like that anymore.

SORORITY ROW is a hybrid of post-Scream horror film making and classic slasher film execution and overall I think it works. Hell, I’m always happy to see an R rated slasher flick that hits theaters instead of getting neutered for a PG-13 audience or dumped directly on dvd. This one seems to be flying under the radar, but horror fans (especially slasher fiends) could certainly do a lot worse. Give it a shot or at the very least check out the unrated dvd you couldn’t see in theaters. Brain Hammer approved!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!