The Last House on the Left (2009) remake has hit DVD in the unrated and theatrical versions.

I’ll start off by giving you technical details before I rip the film a new asshole. The unrated version is 4 minutes longer than the theatrical 110 minute version. The extra footage includes more rape-age, more finger-grinding during the Francis death scene, and some more bullshit talk amongst da gangstas. The extras are as ridiculous and annoying as the film itself. There are a few alternate takes, stunt footage, and a 3 minute behind-the-scenes “inside look.” This laziness is representative of the movie overall.

The biggest mistake is the filmmakers mistaking purity for innocence. The original has Mari Collingwood flaunting her newly developed feminine body by not wearing a bra; this new Mari sports white undies and rocks a flat chest. God forbid a woman WANTS to have sex and LOOKS like a real woman should. A woman is meant to either protect her sex or have it taken from her. And this is no more apparent as it is in Last House Redux. The original girls embraced their sexuality; that’s what made their outcome so horrific. Their sex and womanly transformation were meant to be something beautiful, not shameful. That was juxtaposed with the ugly acts later in the film.

“Pretty” here is blonde hair and flower panties. Anything outside of that world is “ugly.” Everything is Black or White, Good or Bad. The original knew better. Ugly was a wildly inappropriate song played during any given scene or the girls getting exactly what they asked for with chilling results or 2 women making love while being laughed at, so on.

The girl’s trip was symbolic of their journey to adulthood. Before, they were traveling to a concert with every intention of staying out on their own and exploring the world. Here? Mari has an overbearing mom who knows the dangers of the world.

Even the drug scene is lame. Before, the girls naively walk over to a stranger in the street thinking that scoring drugs problem-free is really that easy. They even blindly walk into a stranger’s apartment without thinking about it. Anybody make connections to free love and hippie-shit? Here, the girls score from a guy in their store and want to smoke out with him because that’s the cool thing to do.

The best friend Paige is different as well, and not for the better of course. Paige was supposed to be silent and strong and self-sacrificing. Here, Paige is obnoxious and stupid. I wanted that broad to die. Anything to get her off the screen quicker.

Jesus, even the female criminal isn’t allowed to play in the Boys Club. The bad girl villain Sadie was supposed to have no morals like the guys in her motley crew. She did as she FEELS; this one does as she is TOLD. It was bad enough a male writer is telling her what to do but now Krug does too. Before when Krug gave the best line of the film “Just lie back and enjoy being inferior,” Sadie didn’t put up with his shit. Here? The best line of dialogue has been removed and Sadie instead asks Krug for his approval. “Did I do good?” No, sweetie. Not even close. This is why a good female villain is so hard to come by in Hollywood. I’m not sure the men behind this film believed in their female characters or felt comfortable allowing them to think for themselves.

As for the guys? Here, they are just criminals on the run. Before, they were just a regular family on a joyride through life taking along a few passengers. In fact, I don’t think they were fully aware of how different they were from the rest of society until they sat down to that awkward dinner scene with the Collingwood parents in the original.

Krug circa 2009 is a tad boring and doesn’t really have a discernable personality. But that was the genius of David Hess’ performance in the original. He could deliver any line and make it sound real. He gave his character a reason for the bad behavior and a background. He got the story. So it’s no surprise to know that he made the wonderful soundtrack. The soundtrack here? A massacred Guns N’ Roses song that could have been spoofed better on SNL.

Justin, Krug’s son, is really a “good guy” who wants to help but cannot. Before, he had the opportunity to help and made the conscious decision NOT TO. He deserved his fate just as much as the others did. Now? He’s just a young, sad, lost boy who needed some fatherly guidance. Ohhh, poor thing. Well, maybe he’ll get it in 2009 because the Collingwood’s adopt him in the end. I wonder if Bruno will trade his iPod to adopt a Justin in the sequel.

They got the rape scene wrong too. Before, the focus was on Krug drooling on Mari like she was a dog or just a piece of sidewalk to spit on. The camera caught her looking dead in the eyes. Here, rape is just a couple of naked asses. I hope that teaches you children that rape is bad. The aftermath before had the camera zoom in on their uncomfortably bloodied hands and their unspoken desire to wash it all off. Now? No remorse at all, no feelings.

The most beautiful scene from the original- Mari walking off into the lake like a zombie while singing the “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” prayer and getting needlessly shot from behind as she was a willing recipient of death- is gone. Here?? Mari smashes Krug’s head like Rocky Balboa, dives into the English Channel dodging bullets like Steven fucking Segal. I was just waiting for her to miraculously stumble upon a Cessna and fly across the Atlantic like Amelia Earhart just to find help. Shit, I think I just wrote the sequel and it sounds genius. I expect more bare asses on screen and a royalty check in the mail.

Amazingly, the examination scene manages to be creepier than the rape scene itself. I really didn’t need to see the dad give his daughter mouth to mouth and then feel her up three times. In fact, he gives her entire body a thorough exam that concludes with him staring into her vagina like a tunnel to see what’s on the other side. What does he see? Major rape-age. Damn, he’s good.

The parents are “perfect” here. The dad is a doctor, the mom lights lots of candles, the house is clean. The original had the parents somewhat negligent to their own daughter and judgmental of their houseguests. This imperfection made them more human, more believable, and more relatable, especially when the killing begins.

“You might [want to remember today]. You’re safe; you’re together. That’s all that counts.”

That right there is the point of this pointless flick. Even if the daughter makes it safely back and everyone is reunited, they will never be the same. This movie ends with the family reunited. They are now heroes having saved the young boy Justin who was on the “wrong path”. And then they microwaved Krug’s head to really drive the point home. The ending shenanigans caused the movie to morph into SAW Part 13 and 1/2. Hand in the garbage disposal, Check. Head in the microwave, Double Check.

I never really understood the term Torture Porn. I didn’t get it. I want to see people die. I want to see blood. I prefer blood sprayed across the screen. Bonus points if it is done in an ingenious way. That’s why I didn’t get why people shit on SAW. I was thoroughly amused by the film. I wasn’t looking for a redeeming film. Who even cares if it doesn’t make sense? That’s sums up what is ultimately wrong with Last House Re-duh. It TELLS you that there is a perfectly good reason to putting a man’s hand down the garbage disposal. It TELLS you to cheer when a man’s head explodes in an open microwave. I can now attend church and know that the world is a better place because of this film. And thankfully, I feel safe in my apartment because I own a microwave.

The original Last House didn’t have you cheering at the end. You weren’t supposed to. You were horrified, not just by the criminals, but by the fact that there was little difference between them and the caring parents. The chainsaw used at the end of the original movie was out of desperation and sensibility and for laughs. Best of all, it worked.