Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to another exciting edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, a column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the good folks at horroryearbook decide to throw my way.

It’s no secret that your old pal Brain Hammer is a bit of a television junkie. Hell, I spent all last night glued to my television set, weeping uncontrollably as I watched Jon & Kate announcing their separation. My unhealthy obsession with Full House is the stuff of internet legend. This helps explain why my drunken and shiftless editor Wil would decide to send me a pair of screeners featuring actors and actresses that first became famous for their roles on the small screen…before fading away into total obscurity. Straight to video horror flicks with Mischa Barton AND Luke Perry?!? I knew this was going to be a rough ride.

First up on the chopping block was a screener of the upcoming thriller from director Morgan J. Freeman – HOMECOMING. This flick is quickly generating a massive online buzz for starring Mischa Barton of The OC fame and for the promise of an upcoming summer theatrical run that will probably hit about three theaters before finally being released (escaping?) on dvd. Mischa Barton plays a dimwitted chick named Shelby who runs a bowling alley and nurses a burning obsession with her ex-boyfriend Mike.

The shit hits the fan when Mike returns to town over Christmas break and brings his new gal Elizabeth with him. At first, Shelby tries to play nice and even attempts to bond with Elizabeth over several shots of tequila. Then a freak auto accident leaves Elizabeth badly battered with a broken ankle and at Shelby’s mercy. Shelby (and the writers) has apparently read Misery a few times, and decides to nurse Elizabeth back to health while holding her captive. Mike then spends the rest of the film lamely looking for his missing girlfriend and narrowly avoiding being snared by Shelby’s snatch. Mike’s older brother Billy also has feelings for Shelby, and the love triangle eventually turns deadly. Who will survive…and who fucking cares?

What a piece of shit this flick was. Why this was sent to horroryearbook for review I can’t possibly imagine. Why this was sent to me makes even less sense. This is a chick flick all the way. I wouldn’t even call this a horror flick, it’s more of a thriller. It fails in a big way because it is boring as hell and is not thrilling in the slightest. I would imagine the casting of Mischa Barton is an attempt to cash in on an eager audience of young girls. It’s too bad that Barton is essentially a has-been at this point and that she can’t act to save her life. The best thing I can say about her performance in this flick is that she looks good in her underwear.

Everything about this flick was relentlessly predictable and rehashed. The “obsessed ex-girlfriend” storyline has already been done to death in countless other flicks. There’s nothing new or exciting on display. With a body count of ONE, and a total lack of blood, guts, and nudity, this flick will only appeal to stupid high school chicks who aren’t old enough to get into a theater to watch Beyonce in Obsessed. As much as this flick sucked, I am excited to be the very first critic to give it a review. There, I just popped your cherry bitches. If you want to learn more about this flick (why?!?) or find out where it is playing so you can avoid seeing it, you can check out www.paperstreet.tv.

Next up was the latest effort from notorious schlock-master Fred Olen Ray – SILENT VENOM. Fred Olen Ray has carved out quite an incredible career as a filmmaker over the past thirty years or so. Some of my favorite Fred Olen Ray flicks are his earlier efforts such as Alien Dead, Starslammer, and the legendary Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. More recently, Fred has been cranking out countless flicks with the word “Bikini” in the title. Who could ever forget classics like Bikini Chain Gang, Bikini Pirates, or Super Ninja Bikini Babes? Needless to say, I was very excited to have the chance to see what Fred was keeping himself busy with in 2009.

SILENT VENOM is the tale of mutant radioactive snakes that are being bred by a sexy scientist (Krista Allen, who also stars in the upcoming The Final Destination) and her clumsy and inept assistant on a remote island in the Pacific. The United States government has top secret plans for using the snakes to create biological weapons and anti-toxins. Tensions with the Chinese military force the government to pack up the experiment and evacuate the island. Hardened Naval commander James O’Neill (Luke Perry of 90210 fame!) and his novice crew are sent to the island in an old submarine to pick up the scientists and their gear.

The clumsy and inept assistant is also greedy and stupid, so he decides to stow away about thirty of the mutant snakes on the submarine so he can sell them later. The fun starts when an idiot in the crew promptly drops the case containing the snakes and allows them to escape and begin slithering around the ship. It’s then up to Dylan…I mean James to get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking submarine.

I have to admit, it’s been a while since I’ve sat down and watched a Fred Olen Ray flick. I wasn’t sure what to expect with this one. The first thing that struck me was how expensive this looked when compared to his earlier efforts. It’s also considerably more technically sound. That said, this is still a completely cheap and ridiculous film. This looks and feels like one of those crap flicks that the Sci-Fi Channel (or whatever they are calling themselves these days) would “premiere” on a Saturday night. The giant snakes look like cartoons, which does add to the comic relief.

I was actually a bit surprised with how dry and humorless this one was. I was expecting a lot more camp and cheap laughs, but a good deal of the film was an attempt at a semi-serious naval adventure. The snake carnage doesn’t really begin until the second half of the film. People looking for a real tounge in cheek monster-comedy along the lines of Snakes On A Plane might be disappointed. Wacky fans of Luke Perry (are there any other kind?) will probably enjoy this though.

It wasn’t quite the grade-z garbage I was expecting, and it wasn’t really as fun either. Still, I’ve seen (and reviewed) worse. 20th Century Fox was nice enough to send along a “special screening copy” that had no bonus features of any sort. I’m not sure if the actual dvd release is bare bones or not but I would imagine it doesn’t really matter. I’m guessing people that would plunk down their hard earned cash for a movie where Luke Perry battles snakes on a submarine don’t really care about getting their money’s worth.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!