Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to another exciting edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, a column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the good folks at horroryearbook decide to throw my way.

I was pleasantly surprised to open my mailbox and find a screener copy of the latest Crispin Glover horror epic – SIMON SAYS waiting for me. He who walks with density first turned heads in the horror genre way back in 1984 with his incredible dance moves in Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter. After years of appearing in big budget Hollywood blockbusters and directing movies with all-retard casts, Crispin has recently returned to his horror roots with starring roles in the poorly received Willard and Wizard Of Gore remakes. SIMON SAYS on the other hand is notable for NOT being a remake, and for being the first time horror effort from the 60-something year old director of Harry & The Hendersons! It also sat on the shelf for three years waiting for a release. Could it be THAT bad?

SIMON SAYS is throwback to the glory days of the 80′s slasher craze. The plot centers around a van full of imbeciles that head off into the woods for a weekend camping trip. All of the young characters are the type of time tested stereotypes that slasher fans have grown to know and love. The blonde bimbo that wants to fuck all the time, the straight laced geeky Asian chick, the meathead jock, the comic relief stoner, etc. The body count fodder make a wrong turn and wind up at a gravesite instead a campsite. There they have an odd, inexplicable encounter with a ghost chick on a horse and then have a run in with a pair of grizzled prophets of doom that offer the obligatory warning to turn back immediately or suffer the consequences.

Obviously, if the kids did the sensible thing and went home you wouldn’t have a horror movie on your hands. The idiots pile into their van and promptly make a pit stop at the local abandoned gas station. There they are introduced to a pair of backwoods bumpkin brothers named Simon & Stanley (both played by Crispin Glover). The meathead jock shows unique sensitivity by calling slow-witted Simon a “tard.” This causes Simon to run off in a huff and seals the fates of everyone involved. Flashbacks then reveal that Simon & Stanley are lifelong deviants. Stanley bonked Simon on the head as a youngster, and then spent his early teen years trying to kill him with homemade weapons. Now all grown up and completely batshit insane, the brothers stalk and slash anyone who foolishly decides to go camping in their woods.

Once the characters and motivations are set into place, the rest of the flick degenerates into brutal backwoods butchery. One by one, the idiot campers and a random group of paintball enthusiasts are hacked to pieces by the brothers and their bizarre boobytraps. Simon enjoys dressing up as a bush so he can sneak up on his victims. Stanley has a fetish for pickaxes and has designed a nifty catapult that can launch several of them into the air at the same time. A dream getaway in the great outdoors turns into a nightmare punctuated with gruesome impalements, hangings, dismemberment, and immolation. Not even cute little puppies are safe!

I enjoyed this flick a lot more than I thought I was going to. I kept hearing my drunken and shiftless editor Wil telling me that “it sucked.” I also was leery of the fact that this flick has been sitting on the shelf for three years. Not exactly promising stuff. I was ready to write this one off but wound up having a good time watching it. It’s hard for me to hate any flick that has such an abundance of both Crispin Glover and jaw dropping splatter! Crispin is totally over the top in this one. He chews up the scenery like a man possessed. His southern accent isn’t very convincing, but he is thoroughly believable as a deranged lunatic. It’s always hard to tell if he is acting or not. Ask David Letterman about it. Fans of Crispin Glover should love this flick for his performance alone.

Slasher fans also have good reason to rejoice. I thought this was one of the best “hicks in the sticks” flicks I’ve seen in ages. SIMON SAYS is clearly a loving tribute to 80′s slasher flicks. The characters are shallow and uninteresting, but they all get slaughtered so it doesn’t really matter. The token stoner in particular was obnoxious, but his death scene was awesome! I really enjoyed the kills in this flick. Lots of wild set pieces involving tripwires and pickaxes. This flick gives the My Bloody Valentine remake a run for it’s money in the pickaxe bloodshed department. The death scenes really make this flick worthwhile. There are also some familiar touches that diehard slasher fans will appreciate. The killer dressed up as a bush and armed with boobytraps is right out of The Final Terror. The paintball massacre immediately brings Friday The 13th Part VI to mind.

SIMON SAYS is not a modern classic by any means, but it’s an entertaining horror flick for sure. For what it’s worth, I thought it was better than the Friday The 13th remake. This was 90 minutes of kids getting killed in the woods, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Nagging questions such as what in the hell the ghost chick on a horse was all about, or why the screenwriters bothered establishing a lame “psychic connection” between the brothers and one of their victims and then never did anything with it or even attempted to explain it can easily be ignored. I think the key to enjoying this one is not taking it seriously. If you are looking for a fun flick to watch while killing some brain cells this should do nicely.

SIMON SAYS will be released on dvd June 23 from Barnholtz/Lionsgate Entertainment. The special edition dvd release will include director’s commentary, storyboard comparisons, behind the scenes footage, and a stills gallery. Brain Hammer approved.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!