Not to be with confused with Steve Miner’s film with the same name, House is Lionsgate’s new direct to DVD horror film. A mix between American Gothic and Amityville, House stars Bill Moseley as the head of a creepy family who happens to run a haunted inn, however, it sounds better on paper than it really is.

The setup is good; a couple is stranded after car trouble and get stuck at the inn, after a decent American Gothic dinner scene I was ready to settle in for a decent haunted house flick with a slasher twist, but that is when the shit manages to miss the fan. When the menacing “Tin Man” (Michael Madsen) shows up, Jack and Stephanie along with another stranded couple are locked in the house to keep them all safe from Madsen who claims he killed god and is going to do the same to them. Too bad the Tin Man turns out to be a complete waste while we’re stuck watching boring flashbacks and people run around the house for the duration of the film. Oh yeah and the creepy family, fuck them too! They end up being as useless as the Tin Man.

House is based on the best-selling novel by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti, a book I have never read, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say it is better than the movie. Decent ghost stories are hard thing to pull off, especially for American horror fans who are used to the instant satisfaction delivered by our so-called American “torture porn.” Adding a slasher type villain and a Chainsaw type family were great ideas, so it is a real shame when the film forgets about them and relies on lame ghost story cliches instead; little ghost girls, the mysterious past of the house, and the occult.

I guess I just prefer my haunted house stories to involve extreme incest, roller skating ghost or at least fencing muppets. Creepy families need adult fat chicks dressed as little girls, raping retards, or cannibals. If you still can’t resist the urge to rent or purchase House at least do it with a chick. This is a good one to use to get your girlfriend to watch a horror film. It also applies to female horror fans who date pansy guys.