Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to another edition of Brain Hammer’s PICKS FROM THE CRYPT. This time around I am featuring three of my favorite MASSACRES that don’t have the words “Texas Chainsaw” in the title. LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!

MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH (1976)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0074875

In what can only be described as a “what the fuck?” moment, MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH actually begins with the final shot of the movie, and then works its way through an opening credits montage consisting of the film’s many brutal and explosive highlights set to a sensitive sounding Seventies soft rock song called “The Crossroads Of Your Life.” Once that insanity winds down we are introduced to David (Derrel Murray) – the new kid at Central High, a large high school located near the California coastline. David immediately runs afoul of the little league gestapo that dominates the school.

The terrible trio of Bruce (a snobby and domineering hang gliding enthusiast), Craig (an ill tempered diver with an impressive mane of chest hair), and Paul (a big blonde doofus surfer) have turned the students of Central High into scared mice. On David’s first day the thugs decide to punish a geek named Spoony (Robert “Revenge Of The Nerds” Carradine!) for painting a swastika on a locker as a form of social protest. David interveins, asking Spoony where to find the student lounge. Bruce informs David that he is looking for trouble, and that he will quickly find it unless he minds his own business.

David walks away and has a much more pleasant encounter with a pretty gal named Theresa. (Kimberly Beck of “Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter” fame!) Theresa points David in the direction of the student lounge, where his old pal Mark (Andrew “10 To Midnight” Stevens!) is waiting for him. David is shocked when he discovers that Mark is the fourth member of Bruce’s gang. Mark assures David that he’s riding pretty high around the campus with Bruce and the boys. He tries to convince David to drop his loner shit and just lay back and enjoy the place. Then Mark introduces David to his girlfriend – Theresa. The same Theresa that David met and fell in love with earlier. Bummer.

An afternoon with the gang spent showing David around degenerates into destruction when the boys decide to trash the beloved old jalopy belonging to Rodney (Rex Sikes), one of their less fortunate classmates. David comes along for the ride and hates it. He later apologizes to Rodney and agrees to help him fix his car. Soon afterward David is again appalled when he sees Bruce and company threaten a fat slob named Oscar with a switchblade. Then the bullies turn their attention toward the obnoxious handicapped volunteer assistant librarian Arthur and trash the library. When David goes to help Arthur clean up the mess Mark asks him what in the hell he’s doing and tells him that he’s going “to blow it.” David responds by telling his old friend Mark that he’s “already blown it for thinking you’re more than that poor guy.”

Things get really nasty when Bruce decides that a couple of his “bull dyke” classmates named Mary & Jane (Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith & Lani O’ Grady – both RIP) need a good fuck. Mark won’t have anything to do with the proceedings, but does nothing to stop it before leaving. Paul on the other hand thinks that rape “might be a new kick!” The three bastards drag the girls kicking and screaming into an empty classroom and attempt to have their way with them. Theresa shows up to interrupt the gang rape but Bruce quickly sends her packing. Then David shows up and hands all three of the punks their asses! David’s right hook is more than enough to rattle their brains. Incredibly, Theresa gets angry at David for fighting and runs off.

This leads to a tender sequence on the beach where David apologizes to Theresa. He admits that if he keeps jumping in without thinking and starts swinging he could “really blow it.” He then explains to Theresa that running is the only thing that keeps his anger under control. David and Theresa then frolic on the beach in the proud “Rocky III” tradition and then go for a night time swim in the nude. Mark and the gang find David’s jeep on the side of the road and Mark convinces them to give David one last chance. Bruce agrees, and sends Mark off to talk to him. Mark stumbles down to the beach and finds his best friend and his best gal too close for comfort. Devastated, Mark goes back to Bruce and tells him that he couldn’t talk any sense into David. He then begs his friends to settle the score with David later, when he’s not around to see it.

Later that night, Bruce, Paul, and Craig go to David’s house and confront him inside the garage – where David is working on Rodney’s car. David refuses to come out from under the car so Bruce gives him a shove which accidentally causes the heavy car frame to crash down onto David’s leg! David is crippled for life, but tells authorities that it was simply an accident and that he was alone at the time. After a few weeks in the hospital David returns to Central High with a limp and a thirst for revenge. He decides to liberate the students of Central High by eliminating the brutal bullies that oppress them. First on the hit list is Bruce, who is electrocuted after some hang glider sabotage. Then Craig is snuffed after diving headfirst into a drained pool. Finally big dumb Paul gets his in a fiery auto wreck.

The students of Central High are happy to finally be free, but it doesn’t take long for the formerly abused to become abusive themselves. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Fat slob Oscar begins throwing his weight around. Rodney becomes a snob who can’t stop fawning over his new car. Arthur becomes even more obnoxious and uses his superior intellect to insult the library patrons. Worst of all, Spoony, Mary, and Jane turn into self righteous hippies that decide who could use a “good fuck!”

One by one, the students all go up to David, looking to join up with him and rule the school together. Disgusted with the hypocrisy, and how quickly it takes place, David decides the only fair thing to do is to kill them too. David is no mercy killer. He decides how and when they will die. Arthur dies from lethal hearing-aid sabotage, Oscar and Rodney both get blown up real good, and Spoony, Mary, and Jane have their torrid three way fuck fest interrupted with dynamite and falling rocks! Then David goes to the student/alumni prom with a bomb. Can Mark and Theresa stop him in time? Thank God you’ve graduated!

I consider this to be the greatest teenage revenge flick of all time. Really, no other flick comes close when it comes to exploring teenage fascism. One of the greatest lines in the movie is “There’s definitely a message in all these accidents – the higher you feel, the deeper you fall.” It’s much more thought provoking than the usual Seventies exploitation fare. It works because the characters and the storyline are realistic. Nagging questions, like where in the hell are the teachers, parents, or police are easy to ignore. It’s also worth mentioning that the explosive ending was later lifted and recycled in the cult classic “Heathers.”

I would very much like to see a special edition dvd release of MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH This one deserves a larger audience, if only for being one of the few horror films that could never be remade.

Check out the trailer!

NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0089665

After a brutal gang rape occurs on a construction site in a small Texas town, a masked killer with a bad case of Darth Vader-itis and a penchant for horrible Freddy Krueger wisecracks goes on a killing spree seeking revenge against…well pretty much everyone. Dressed in camouflage, driving a hearse, and armed with a pneumatic nail gun, the deranged killer makes swiss cheese out of any redneck that crosses his deadly path.

The unfortunate victims are repeatedly nailed in the head, the groin, to trees, to the highway, and sometimes to each other. The dimwitted country bumpkin sheriff with a badge that likes to switch sides on his chest at random teams up with an always denim clad county medical examiner who looks like the bass player from Night Ranger to investigate the murders. As these two geniuses wander around aimlessly looking for clues the nail ridden dead bodies begin stacking up like cord wood.

I’m a huge fan of this hilariously inept 80′s slasher flick with a huge body count. This flick delivers like fifteen bloody murders, a gang rape, and some nice titties within its 90 minute running time. Hard to argue with that! NAIL GUN MASSACRE is a special film for many reasons, but my favorite part has to be the odd, inexplicable appearance of a toothless old geezer who randomly shows up in a scene and proceeds to steal the whole fucking movie by asking the immortal question “Hey, what put all them holes in her body? Sex?” That’s followed closely by the dead body that starts to tip over and is thoughtful enough to prop himself back up so he doesn’t fuck up the shot. You don’t see that in every flick.

Fans of gratuitous nudity will enjoy a steaming eyeful thanks to a big haired blonde who proudly displays her enormous rack, complete with tan lines and a set of nipples roughly the size of a midget’s thumbs! There’s also a fairly sleazy scene with a really ugly couple bumping uglies against a tree, and an unbelievable moment where a hick talks his bimbo date into having sex on the hood of his car “so they can really fly!” The latter sex scene is set to the tune of a toe tapping number entitled “Foozeball” that is played in it’s entirety not once, but twice in a row. It’s guaranteed to get stuck in your head. What I really appreciate about the chicks in this flick is the fact that they are all 100% authentic trailer trash. No pesky silicone or cosmetic surgery to ruin the fun, they all look like chicks you could pick up at a county fair.

Writer, producer, and co-director Terry Lofton was the brains and the bucks behind this incredibly cheesy homemade horror flick More than a few critics have slammed NAIL GUN MASSACRE, but I think it more than delivers the goods for horror fans with a hunger for bloody mayhem and cheap, sometimes unintentional laughs. Terry has stated that he didn’t want to make a “real blood & guts type horror movie” but instead wanted to make a fun, low key horror flick. Hats off to Terry for a job well done. If you attempt to take this seriously, you’ll probably hate it. But if you watch this flick with sense of humor you’ll love it. This is a perfect movie to watch on a Saturday night with a few beers and buds.

Synapse Films released a fantastic looking dvd of NAIL GUN MASSACRE that was fully restored in high definition and is presented in anamorphic widescreen. The special features include outtakes, a promotional trailer, and an interview with Terry Lofton. There’s also some very funny liner notes from Michael Felsher that point out some of the film’s many shortcomings.

Enjoy a brief clip of Terry Lofton discussing the NAIL GUN MASSACRE special effects!

MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE (1988)

http://imdb.com/title/tt0095611

The late, great Cameron Mitchell takes the money and runs with a brief appearance as the sleazy owner of Memorial Valley Campground, a dumpy campsite that opens to the public while still unfinished and under construction. Cameron’s determined to cash in on the Memorial Day weekend, and isn’t concerned with the rash of mysterious accidents that have recently plagued the park. Not even finding a dead guard dog in the water supply is enough to change his mind. Cameron leaves his fresh faced college boy son in charge and is never seen again. (He must have been due on the set of “Space Mutiny!”) Sonny boy immediately ruffles the feathers of the tough talking manager of the campground, played by John Kerry – sadly b-movie actor John Kerry, not Senator John Kerry.

A haggard collection of idiot campers decide to rough it and set up shop in the woods for the weekend. The campers include beefy bearded bikers and their raunchy road mommas, cock teasing wet t-shirt sporting skanks and their sexually frustrated speed metal blasting boyfriends, and an unspeakably ugly family of slobs complete with an obese yet impish and possibly gay son with a penchant for motorized mischief. The legendary b-movie actor William Smith also shows up and turns in a great performance as a gravelly voiced alcoholic former General who never leaves his RV. Call it clever scripting if you wish, but I personally think William wasn’t getting paid enough to do much more than sit around and pound booze. His voice sounds like he was swallowing hot coals and gargling toxic waste before every take.

After some unbearably wacky footage of campers dropping their pots & pans, we discover that the person responsible for the recent acts of sabotage is actually a CAVEMAN! Yes indeed, a genuine throwback. Raised alone in a “micro eco-system,” this savage stalks the woods of Memorial Valley attacking anyone or anything that disturbs the peace. Sadly, this “killer caveman” looks more like a lanky bucktoothed teenager in a Tina Turner wig and black socks. Even more hilarity is provided by the tubby Chris Farley in training man-child who steals everything in sight and tears up the woods on his sweet ass ATV. When these two titans collide the sparks really start to fly!

Speaking of sparks, how this “primitive” would know how to ignite a gas tank is never explained. But at least it allows William Smith to leave the picture with a bang. The caveman also possesses the inexplicable ability to sabotage cars and radios, and can even drive a bulldozer! He easily snuffs several of the campers before the final incredible plot twist is revealed – the caveman is really the long lost son of the grouchy campground manager! After the father & son reunion turns deadly the nerdy neanderthal returns to the woods defeated and alone and the camp is closed for good, or at least until the sequel – which the complete and total failure of this film mercifully spared us.

Writer/director Robert C. Hughes is responsible for this one. He also helmed the far superior 1987 hicks in the sticks picture “Hunter’s Blood” with Clu Gulager. Hughes could always be counted on for beautiful outdoor photography and knowing how to keep a picture moving. This picture isn’t nearly as tense or atmospheric as “Hunter’s Blood,” but it probably wasn’t meant to be. This one is a lot more lighthearted, and goes pretty easy on the splatter for a slasher flick. As a result, it works more as a unintentional comedy than a straight horror film.

This ultra low budget horror epic is a real pisser. A product of the 80′s for sure, with the sort of bad acting, big hair, and annoying keyboard music you’ve come to expect and love. If you’re looking for a fun horror flick to watch while killing a few brain cells, MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE will do nicely.

Get a taste of MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE…if you dare!!!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!