Not So Basic Instincts: Tease (aka Poison, 2000)

In retrospect, Tease is just that. A big ol’ Tease. Playing more like a Lifetime murder mystery than a sexy erotic thriller, there’s just enough T&A to push it more into late night Cinemax than early evening Lifetime. But when all is said and done, this movie just wants to take you to the brink, making you believe something is going to happen, only to pull back, kiss you on the cheek and say goodnight.

Let’s see if I ever take the Tease to dinner again!

The uber voluptuous Mandy Schaffer is Traci, an unbalanced 17 year old burgeoning of wanton wills and lots of weird, crazed thoughts. Mostly she’s got a real addiction to her mother, Dana (Rosanna Arquette), who took the fall for Traci when the young girl pushed her own father (Michael Des Barres!) to his death. While her mother is doing time in the pokey, Traci finds a new attachment to a teacher named Mary (Stacy Grant). So much so, she kills Mary’s boyfriend, David (the extra hunky Mark Humphrey) just to ensure he won’t take her away after they marry! Too bad Traci’s mom is released, because it was a lot of work getting.

David into his boat for the kill! Dana steals Traci away to the vineyard she’s bought with her partner and friend, the sweet natured Carl (Jurgen Prochnow). Traci seems moderately happy to have her mom back, but is unhappy with Carl and the old family housekeeper, Carmen (Suzanne Coy), who knows all about Traci’s murderous activities. There’s some talk of harvesting, a little Traci in a wet tee and Carl’s brother, Johnny (Thomas Kretschmann), who has just enough machismo to make Dana swoon and Traci go nutzo. Because no one takes mommy away.

Tease is a weird combo of Poison Ivy with the Crush, if the crush was the mother. There’s lots of lesbian undertones thanks to a sexy dancing scene and the above mentioned wet tee segment. It’s obvious Traci has nothing but disdain for anyone who isn’t dear old mom, especially men. Not that mom is at all concerned. I mean, Traci jumps around in a wet shirt while the “workers” ogle her and all Dana can think about is running off with hunk-a-tron Johnny in the rain. It’s also interesting to note that when Traci attacks, the victims either die in water (or wine even!) or are thrown into the river. I’m still pondering the whole water bit (perhaps cleansing herself of sin?), but deep down I know I’m only thinking too deeply about a film that maybe shouldn’t even be thought of at all.

The only real reason to watch Tease is to see Mandy Schaffer in all her braless glory. My god, she could give a young Sophia Loren a run for her money. This girl is so curvy, she’s a frickin’ freeway. It’s impossible to take your eyes off of this beautiful creature and considering how hard the director and writer tries to make you do just that, is a testament to Mandy’s talents. The dialog is atrocious and clichéd with nary an original word or thought given to the actors to work with. The direction is sometimes a little lush, but falls over to the pedestrian side more times than I could count. The actors are game and willing, but there’s too much working against them in this half-assed attempt at erotica. Aside from Schaffer, Prochnow is great fun in the only scene with any meat to it. And the rest is just pretty filler. And not pretty in that Zalman King Red Shoe Diaries kind of way, more in that oh-look-a-nice-lake kind of way. Booooring!

There’s a little bit of nudity, including male (something which I always welcome) and Schaffer has an obvious stand in for her big scene.

I did find Tease moderately enjoyable but that’s because I’m an easy sell. Throw an Arquette in there and I’m down for the count. I’m sure more discerning viewers (i.e. the general population) will find the Tease is as tedious and frustrating as a Catholic girl on her first date.