January 23rd. A day that will live in movie indifference. For on this day, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, the prequel that no one really asked for to a vampire/werewolf series no one really cares about opened to half-filled theaters around the country. When asked about awareness of the movie, mass audiences said “Wait…there’s a 3rd one coming out? I really couldn’t be more apathetic as I was in line for Hotel for Dogs”.

Now that that’s out of the way, if you liked the first 2 Underworld movies, then you’re probably going to like this one, more or less. But if you didn’t like them, then odds are…you’re not reading this at all, and you wouldn’t go see a 3rd one anyway when you can rent the first 2. So by the time you finish watching them, then this one will be out of theaters (I’m giving it 2 weeks at most) and then you can rent the 3rd one in a couple of months and witness well-intentioned mediocrity.

I’ll admit to liking the Underworld pictures in a guilty-pleasurish kind of way, much like I’m fascinated by that Midget show on the Learning Channel except now after watching My Bloody Valentine 3D every time I see one of those little men or women appear I immediately want to see a pickaxe go through their skull. I mean that in a nice way. Really. I’m not advocating the killing of midgets, just saying that a pickaxe should go through their head in a way that DOESN’T kill them. There, I’ve covered all my legal bases and manage to retain my appearance as a pretty decent bloke to you, the Horroryearbook.com reader.

Where was I? Underworld. I like these movies knowing they’re laughably stupid and too-slickly produced as vampire movies, much like Twilight – idiotic as a vampire movie although it works as a shallow teen romance.

Kate Beckinsale kicked much ass though I did think it was retarded that all the vampires in the series dressed like they were extras from The Matrix. It almost makes you forget that she was in the dreadful Van Helsing back in ’04.

And Scott Speedman? Could a less charismatic actor been cast as the SuperVampireLycan guy? Whenever you see him onscreen you can’t help but snigger and wonder how many scores of more capable actors turned this role down before it tumbled into his lap.

You’ll be happy to know that NONE of these principals are in Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Or maybe you won’t. So why should you see this movie when all you have to do is take the original Underworld DVD, chapter skip to about 3/4th of the way through and have a character tell you, in about 3 minutes, all that happens in Rise of the Lycans? Well, you shouldn’t because the movie isn’t interesting enough to warrant a big screen treatment. But a studio disagreed with me because millions of dollars were spent to make this when it could have been given to me to burn for all the money it’ll make back in the graveyard month of January. But, however, you were planning to see The Uninvited next week…see this instead. You’ll thank me. Promise.

In an unknown Time, vampires rule with impunity interacting with humans in an uneasy symbiotic relationship (you give us silver for ‘protection’ and we won’t kill you). This current vampire coven is led by the ruthless Viktor (Bill Nighy, reprising his role from the first Underworld and chucking any semblance of dignity out the fucking door). He’s so ruthless that his henchmen vampires did a ruth check on him, and couldn’t find any to speak of. That’s pretty ruthless because even the most evil guys had at least skip traces of ruth. Hitler had fragments of ruth in his ‘stache, but Viktor scrubbed himself clean of ruth long ago in a bathhouse in Greece. He also acquired a purplish rash near his inner thigh, but no ruth was detected and Viktor takes various creams before and after bed so it doesn’t inflame too much but he has to pee every 20 minutes which isn’t fun, especially for a vampire of his advanced age. He’s actually pretty sensitive about it so don’t mention it to his face. He might rip your head off and piss in the spurting cavity, not because it’s a particularly ruthless thing to do, but like I said earlier, he has to pee every 20 minutes and despite his vampire agility there isn’t always a vampire bathroom readily available.

The vampires have werewolf slaves known as Lycans. They protect the vampires and do their dirty work (breast-feeding vampire babies, back rubs, story time, making sure Netflix DVD’s are in the mail on time because if there’s one things vampires hate, it’s getting your Netflix DVD late because some Lycan chucklehead thought he put My Best Friend’s Girl in the mail when he really just left it on the kitchen table). The vampires tolerate them even though they shed on the furniture. One fine day a Lycan gives birth to a bouncing baby boy that looks like a human but has all the mad skillz of a Lycan. Viktor resists killing the baby because he’s just so darn cute.

Viktor raises the boy as his own and names him Lucian (played as an adult by Michael “don’t need no Afro” Sheen)

Viktor also has a willful daughter Sonja (Rhona Mitra). Yet another reason the bathroom’s not available because it takes her 3 hours to get ready in the morning. And don’t let Viktor go off about when they go out for dinner…

Lucian is a special Lycan, more skillful than the others of his kind as he’s not a mindless werewolf but possesses more agility and strength than most but has the smarts to use them well. He also wins regularly at the weekly vampire/Lycan rap battles a la 8 Mile (his single, “Hairy Bitch Poppin’ that Azz” is frequently downloaded). He also thinks The Dark Knight got gangraped at the Oscar Noms and that The Reader tosses Nazi salad. Most importantly, he’s got the hairy paw hots for Sonja. He’s more than willing to be a vampire blacksmith if it means putting his steaming hot hammer to her. He has no problem killing other Lycans because to him, they’re just mindless animals, and it kind of turns Sonja on when he rips other Lycans in half. Vampire girls are into that, but they aren’t at all into Vampire Weekend. Go figure.

And Sonja reciprocates, taking it doggy-style and on weekends ATM (that’s ass-to-mouth for you Second grade readers of Horroryearbook), although if you’re fucking a Lycan, isn’t it ALL doggy-style? Maybe that question will be answered in the DVD commentary.

But dating a Lycan is a big no-no, because vampires and Lycans don’t commingle by vampire decree. Sonja also complains that Viktor won’t let her date black or Mexican guys, but that’s an altogether huge brouhaha in itself.

Viktor is constantly telling Sonja to mind her place as his daughter.
Sonja is constantly telling Viktor to spell his name with a ‘c’ instead of a ‘k’ like a normal fucking vampire

After yet another PG-13 tryst, Lucian is thinking of running away because it sucks being a vampire slave. Over the years he’s fashioned a key to get him out of his shackles, but to do so would be punishable by death. Sonja wants to go with him but is torn because of her duty to her father and coven. Little do they know that the nefarious Tannis (Steven MacKintosh from Underworld 2) has been watching them as they get it on. And he has an agenda of his own but regrets not brining his camera phone because Lycan/vampire fucking is pretty freaky to watch up close and the PPV sales would be astronomical.

There’s a massive Lycan attack and Lucian takes off his shackles in order to save Sonja. Not a good idea, even if the intention was pretty noble. As a reward for his actions, Lucian is whipped like he was Levar Burton in Roots. But instead of going all stoic like Denzel Washington in Glory, Lucian weeps in proper bitchly fashion as his back ends up looking like red Crisscut Fries. Now Lucian is pissed. And he just might take the entire Lycan army with him.

You can pretty much take it from there, as the movie’s called Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and not Underworld: Vampire and Lycans Reach Mutual Understanding and Respect while Learning to Live in Peace and Cherish Each Other’s Differences As We Begin Building a Better World for All Its Inhabitants, not Just Vampires and Lycans, but Smurfs and Vulcans too, but not Albanians, definitely not Albanians Although I’m Sure We Could All Google Albania and Maybe Learn A Little More about Them And See Them As People With Hopes and Dreams and STD’s Just Like Us But Until Then They’re Just a Little Too Sketchy and Should Be Kept at A Reasonably Safe Distance

What works with Underworld: Rise of the Lycans-

1) Bill Nighy- if you’re going to commit to doing an Underworld picture, then you gotta go all out and not worry about how stupid you look. This is exactly what Nighy (Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, Valkyrie, Love Actually) does, knowing nothing he in his work here will be nominated for any awards. He actually looks like he’s having a lot of fun. We watching this movie wish we shared in his joy. You can almost see the words “paycheck” flashing inside his skull as he chews scenery.

2) A Lycan assault early in the movie is the closest thing we get to suspense and action.

3) Various weapons go through various heads.

4) Raze, the huge black Lycan (Kevin Grevioux) from the first movie is a welcome sight, though you really can’t believe that that’s his real voice. I just want to hear him sing or pick up a Lycan girl in bar with that voice. It’s so pimpin’ and jazzy smooth.

What doesn’t work-

1) Rhona Mitra, so badass in the underrated, unfairly lambasted Doomsday…reminds you how much better she was in the underrated, unfairly lambasted Doomsday. Odds are, you’d have a better time watching that than wasting your time and money seeing Underworld 3 in theaters.

2) The scenes of Lucian as…The Wolf Whisperer. More than a couple of giggles from the audience I was with. Can’t really blame them.

3) The Vampires in this movie are a bunch of whiny pussies, barely a step above the Vampires from Twilight in terms of the vampire vaginal factor (VVF). They probably do something vampire-y for about 5 minutes in this 90-minute movie and the rest of the time they just drone on about councils and what bad doggies the Lycan’s are. But at least they don’t sparkle.

5) You do miss Kate Beckinsale’s presence because her character is the only one in this entire series with anything resembling balls.

6) Michael Sheen, a far, far cry from his stellar work in Frost/Nixon

7) Laughable stunt double work in the fights involving Bill Nighy. We know he really isn’t fighting, but the filmmakers could have tried to make it halfway convincing.

Overall. I know the first 2 Underworld movies are put in the horror section of your store if only for lack of other options even though there’s nothing remotely scary about them. Underworld 3 is no exception. It’s not a horrible movie, but I came in with pretty low expectations. So unless you’ve got a major fetish to see Bill Nighy with bright blue contacts and plastic teeth, you should probably skip this. And since most of you were going to miss this anyway or were barely aware it existed, your life remains unchanged. Too bad Rise of the Lycans does nothing to change the fact that there really aren’t any good vampire stories anymore.