First things first, the title of this review is misleading. I didn’t actually get to see MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D, I saw MY BLOODY VALENTINE 2D. No eye popping 3D magic for me, I’m not lucky enough to live in a big city with one of them there fancy ass movie places. As a result, I got to watch a horror movie shot in 3D in boring old 2D. It’s a bummer, but to put a positive spin on things I kept telling myself I could focus on the movie instead of the gimmick.
As I’m sure anyone reading this review already knows, this is a remake of the classic 1981 Canadian slasher film My Bloody Valentine. Most of the key elements from the original film remain, but enough has been changed to keeps things interesting. A tragic Valentines Day accident in the Hanniger Coal Mine causes the death of several miners. Those who weren’t immediately killed in the massive explosion are soon dispatched by a cold blooded son of a bitch named Harry Warden. Harry decides to put his trusty pickaxe through the skulls of his fellow survivors in an effort to save oxygen for himself.
When rescuers finally make their way into the mine they find that Harry Warden has slipped into a coma. Harry then spends a year asleep inside a hospital before waking up, slaughtering everyone in sight, and then returning to the mine looking to get payback against Tom Hanniger – the snot nosed son of the mine’s owner who had caused the accident. Incredibly, Tom, his best gal Sarah, his love rival Axel, and the rest of the dimwitted local kids are using the now abandoned mine shaft as the location for a Valentines Day party. Harry has plenty of body count fodder on his hands and snuffs a bunch of the party goers before Sheriff Tom Atkins finally shows up to save the day.
We then flash forward another ten years. Tom Hanniger is now all grown up and returns to town after his father’s death to sell the mine. In his absence, his best gal Sarah wound up marrying and having a kid with his love rival Axel. Axel has become the town’s new Sheriff after Tom Atkins retires. Did I mention that Tom happened to return to town on Valentines Day? You can probably guess what happens next. A psycho in a miner’s outfit starts ripping the hearts out of all the chicks in town, and putting the axe to anyone even loosely connected to the mine and the accident. Is it Harry Warden himself back from the grave? Or is it someone else who has been driven insane by their twisted memories of the Valentines Day massacre?
I have to admit I went into this one with pretty low expectations. I’m about sick to death of the never ending parade of horror remakes that Hollywood keeps shitting out on a monthly basis. At this point, all I can really hope for when sitting through yet another one of these remakes is some decent splatter and a few chuckles. I’m happy to say that MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D delivered the goods on those terms. The best part of this movie by far are the gory death scenes. I was happy to see a wide assortment of nasty looking pickaxe murders proudly on display here. It’s amazing how far we have come since the original. When My Bloody Valentine came out back in 1981, it was butchered by the MPAA in an effort to tone the violence down for an R rating. This remake probably has more bloodshed in the first twenty minutes or so than the original did period.
My old pal Todd Farmer (you can listen to me give him grief for writing Jason X here) wrote the screenplay for this one and I have to say that he did a pretty good job recycling the original storyline and then giving it some decent twists and turns. The identity of the killer was nicely obscured throughout, and there were plenty of red herrings that kept me guessing until the climax. Speaking of climaxing, we are treated to a truly pukeworthy sex scene with none other than Todd himself bumping uglies (and I mean UGLIES) with a smoking hot blonde chick. I’m guessing Todd wrote this scene solely that he could star in it and finally have the chance to touch a naked woman. Just kidding Todd. But seriously though, why the extended shot of your naked ass?!? The sight of Todd’s hairy buttcrack made me want to cut off my dick, lacquer it and sharpen it into a dagger, and then gouge my fucking eyes out with it! (credit for that line: the great Patton Oswalt)
Todd told everyone listening to that hyb podcast that if I don’t like MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D, I’m a moron. Well, I’m happy to report that I’m not a moron because I did like this movie. It’s never going to replace the original in the torn out hearts of die hard slasher fans, but it doesn’t really matter. As far as I’m concerned, the long awaited UNCUT dvd release of the original My Bloody Valentine alone justifies this films existence. As far as horror remakes are concerned, you could do a lot worse. This film is totally respectful to the original and plays it mostly straight, which I also appreciated. There’s a nice oppressive atmosphere in the mines, plenty of juicy splatter from start to finish, and some really hot looking naked chicks. MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D is not quite an instant classic, but it’s still a pretty good modern horror flick. Brain Hammer approved and worth a look, 3D or otherwise.
KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!
