Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to another exciting edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, a column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the good folks decide to throw my way.

My last ICFTM column (which you can check out here) was met with a firestorm of controversy and a slew of angry e-mails from the whiny douche bags that sent their shitty excuses for horror films along for review. Tough luck losers. You make a bad movie, you get a bad review. I’m not here to kiss your ass or pat you on the head for your “hard work.” I don’t care about you, your feelings, or your films. Sorry we can’t be BFF’s, but feel free to keep whining to Wil or Molly about it. Why do you think an “asshole” like Brain Hammer reviewed your films anyways? BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WANTED TO!!! What does that tell you about the quality of your work? Fucking imbeciles.

Anyways, this time around I actually got a good movie to review. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I have to give big props to Wil for handpicking me to review an exclusive screener copy of Ryan Nicholson’s GUTTERBALLS. I had been hearing lots of good things about this flick, and was particularly excited to watch a film that promotes itself as “the most outrageous gross-out flick of the year!” I’m happy to say that it more than lived up to the hype.

GUTTERBALLS is a mean spirited and savage homage to the classic 80′s splatterfests. The story centers around the fierce rivalry between two young bowling teams. It’s the classic confrontation between profane preppy jocks and wisecracking long haired new wavers. A fun night of bowling turns brutal when the evening degenerates into a vicious gang rape. After being humiliated with both a crushing defeat and a crushing foot injury, the drunken jocks take out their frustrations by taking turns violating a chick from the rival team. The assault climaxes when the token nerd of the group is forced to shove a bowling pin, large end first, into the poor girl’s snatch.

The next night, the two teams return to the alley for a final showdown during an after hours disco bowl-o-rama. As the bowlers trade insults and throw their balls around, a masked killer makes their deadly presence known and begins slaughtering the members of both teams and their assorted bimbo girlfriends. The unseen slayer known mysteriously as “BBK” sports black bowling gloves and shows no mercy while unleashing retribution and blood-drenched deaths with various bowling-related items including sharpened bowling pins and a ball polisher. By sunrise, the bowling alley is an absolute bloodbath and BBK unmasks to further shock and horrify the few remaining survivors.

I was blown away by how completely over the top and disgusting this flick was. I have to give much credit to writer and director Ryan Nicholson (LIVE FEED) for having the GUTS to present such a ruthless and sleazy comic tribute to 80′s exploitation flicks. The black as tar tone of the film is set up in a big way with the opening rape scene, which stands out as one the most disturbing that I’ve ever seen. The three thugs take turns raping the chick in various positions and the scene is both incredibly drawn out and convincing. There’s also a few genuinely nasty touches, including the repulsion the girl shows whenever one of her rapists attempts to lovingly stroke her face while raping her. It reminded me of the classic housekeeper rape scene in DEATH WISH II, and I mean that as a sincere compliment.

Die hard fans of hardcore blood and guts will no doubt enjoy the many creative death scenes. There were so many nasty deaths along the way, it’s hard for me to pick a favorite. The extremely graphic (bordering on X rated for sure!) “death by 69″ scene was an obvious highlight. I got a kick out of the demise of the comic relief tranny, who gets a grisly homemade sex change operation and later inspires the soon to be classic line “He gave him a MANGINA!” It takes a while before the carnage begins, but once the blood starts flowing it rarely lets up until the end. The conclusion of the film is especially over the top, and features the juiciest throat slitting I’ve ever seen. It’s a real gusher! Ryan prides himself on being a filmmaker that leaves nothing to the imagination, and lovers of ultra-violence and excessive gore can only salute him for it.

The “balls-out uncut version” of GUTTERBALLS hits stores Tuesday 01/27/09. The good folks at Danger After Dark/TLA Releasing are presenting the film with a special edition dvd that includes director’s commentary, a behind the scenes featurette, teaser trailer, and stills gallery. Lots of laughs, lots of gore, and lots of naked chicks. What’s not to love? This flick is 100% Brain Hammer approved and highly recommended.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!