The real name of this article is, It came From the Mailbox: A Putrid Pile Of Shit, sorry I had to edit it so it would be featured on Google News. — Wil

Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to another exciting edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, a column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the good folks at horroryearbook decide to send my way.

CRAP is the key word this time around. I was excited to see a package in my mailbox from the lovely Molly Celaschi, but my excitement quickly turned to fear & loathing when I opened the package and found a haggard looking assortment of dvd-r’s. Ah yes, homemade horror. Apparently this has become my specialty. Only one of the people involved was smart enough to include any details about their film. (try to guess which one) The rest of these jokers either included just the movie or a tiny piece of scrap paper full of misspelled words, mangled punctuation and NO CONTACT INFO AT ALL except for a request to “e-mail me when when the review is done.” Yeah, I’ll get right on that guys.

Anyways, my night of horror began with EAT ME, a 10 minute short film written and directed by Victor Bonacore. It runs about 9 minutes too long and tells the tale of a couple that get attacked by zombies, turn into zombies themselves, and then eat each other. I thought this one looked like shit, and it was almost unwatchable thanks to the annoying folk music that was used as a score. The sole highlight was the impressive cock eating technique of the lead actress. She swallowed a LOT of that fake cock before biting it off and I have to give her some props for that.

Next up on the (s)hit list was CANNIBAL CHEERLEADER CAMP. This is a 18 minute short film that was shot in a single weekend last October in Winchester Virginia on MiniDV using the Panasonic DVX-100B with a budget of $700. Writer & director Paul Busetti claims this film was his attempt to “compress all the high notes of the genre into a short film without losing any tension or suspense.” Apparently he considers the high notes of the genre to be a bunch of butter faced skanks taking showers and then getting dismembered. I hope he didn’t spend more than $20 of the budget to pay these chicks to be in the movie because they were all shitty actresses and none of them were hot. I’ve never seen a less appealing lesbian shower scene in all my days. I had a hard time following exactly what was supposed to be happening in this one, but eventually all the pasty faced skanks were dead and the 18 minutes of tension and suspense (slow torture) mercifully ended.

Director Craig Mcintyre’s A FEW SCREWS LOOSE was the next flick I s(h)at through. I was cringing when I popped this one in the dvd player because of the especially sad looking dvd-r cover, which looked like it was hand drawn by a small child with cerebral palsy. Then a parade of extremely slutty looking chicks began parading in front of the camera and my dick…I mean my mind began paying attention. This was a full length film about a homicidal porno director who slaughters the sluts that appear in his films. There’s some sort of sub plot about a geek who beats off constantly and works at a fast food restaurant, but I pretty much tuned out every time there wasn’t a half naked chick to look at. The best thing I can say about this one is that there some really hot chicks in it. I was especially fond of the Asian chick with braces and the jungle skank with pierced nipples who prances around in a torn up Ramones t-shirt. There’s a bunch of laughably fake looking blood and guts, but after about the fifteenth scene in a row where some twat gets tortured and torn apart I was looking for the remote. Sadly, this was the best flick of the bunch by far.

I saved the worst for last. Phil Herman and Fvideo (the F must stand for FAILURE) present INTO THE WOODS, the tale of a hatchet faced pig woman who goes surfing, goes home and watches a horror movie, and then gets naked and goes to bed. As she sleeps a maniac attacks her and then kidnaps her. She wakes up naked in a cabin in the middle of the woods. Then comes the real horror: she finds her clothes and goes home without incident. WHY THE FUCK AM I WATCHING THIS?!? Eventually some bald dipshit rapes her, the chick commits suicide, the bald dipshit commits suicide, and some other skank wakes up naked in the woods. That’s pretty much it. What a worthless fucking film. Half of this hour long exercise in wretched tedium consists of scenes of people talking on the phone. The rape scene was ridiculous looking and the suicides were pathetic. It looked like they threw some Ragu around and called it a day. Apparently Phil is a big hurry to have his film reviewed, and I hope I made his day a little brighter by doing so. He was nice to enough say he “hopes you enjoy it as much as we did making it,” so apparently they had a miserable fucking time. This was absolute shit.

I’m going to take refuge in some big budget, slick and glossy Hollywood horror with actual production value, creativity, and talent. If anyone wants to send me some booze and hard drugs to help me forget about these films I would greatly appreciate it.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!