Take a gander at that onesheet…

With that cross motif and names of actors you’ve never heard of outside of TV all splayed out like it was a new Ocean’s movie. Doesn’t the poster just look like the cover of a DVD you’d see fermenting while you go look for something that doesn’t reek of Future Tracey Gold/Justine Bateman? It was something you’d NEVER pay money to see in theaters…and you didn’t because you had better things to do this Halloween

Good for you for trusting your instincts. Because the Haunting of Molly is as insignificant a trifle you’ll see released this year, and you probably won’t know someone who’s actually seen this as I’m sure it’ll be out of theaters next week to make room for Madagascar 2. Yet it’s not egregiously horrible enough to be mentioned in any “year’s-worst” lists. In short, it’s the other Jacksons not named Michael or Janet. If it was a Baldwin it’d have to be Stephen, but please wait until he’s out of the room before you begin laughing

So why did I see Molly H.? Because it looked so bad that it had to be seen. You know the type of movie. C’mon, I (and a good percentage of you) paid to see Saw V, the Police Academy of horror franchises. What are you going to torture us with next, wannabe Jigsaw from My Big Crap Greek WeddingSaw movie (no coincidence the director has the word ‘Hack’ in his last name)…

Could Molly Hartley be much worse? Yes…and no.

Allow me to do a line so I don’t fall asleep while writing this…

MOLLYHARTLEYISATEENAGEGIRLABOUTTOTURN18—

Sorry, I need to wind down…Let’s try this again.

Molly Hartley is your average teenage girl in a bad horror movie. She’s just moved to a new town and has to adjust to going to a new school. She’s about to turn 18. And as we see in a pre-title card sequence, something peculiar happens to special girls on their 18th birthday…

But what about Molly’s mommy? She’s in a loony bin because she tried to kill Molly (“My mother tried to kill me”) by stabbing her with a pair of scissors. That may lower expectations about what Molly might get from her mom on her birthday. As a result her records are sealed when she’s at her new school (called Standard Horror High for White Kids). You can tell because there’s a shot of the envelope that contains her records and there’s the word “Sealed” stenciled on it.

But Molly’s going to try to fit in as well as any insecure high school girl can whose mom just tried to kill her. It’s tough, but I’m sure we’ve all been there before.

Molly’s being given the school tour by the very helpful Alexis (Shanna Collins). She’s the Jesus freak. The one with “the Special relationship with Jesus” This is shown by the huge vibrator in her purse with a huge imprint of Jesus stenciled on it.

That’s gotta be helpful in acclimating you to a new school. Out of how many hundreds of students in the school, what kind of fucking luck does one have that she gets Marcia Gay Harden from The Mist, except with teeth as big and white as the Hollywood sign? That kind of luck that makes your mom try to kill you, I guess…

Molly meets a boy named Joseph Young (Chace Crawford, channeling Jason Priestley in all his Tiger-Beatish grandeur).

Joseph’s rich. Joseph’s white. And if this were anything but PG-13 tweener rubbish there’d be a scene where Joseph would try to rape Molly. But it isn’t, so you’ll get lines like “You have Ebola” as witty, flirty banter. But Molly is a good girl and knows that Joseph has a girlfriend Suzie…or does he? Will he dump Suzie for a chance in Molly’s pants?

But Molly’s hearing voices. She’s dreaming unsavory dreams and she’s having premonitions that her mother, you know, the one that tried to kill her with a pair of scissors, is closer than she thinks. Is she going crazy like her mother…or is there something sinister going on? If you’ve seen the trailer, you know exactly how this plays out. But even if you didn’t, you don’t really care?

What works with The Haunting of Molly Hartley-

1) Nina Siemaszko as the very obliging school guidance counselor Dr. Emerson chews scenery liked it was cherry chocloate-flavored scrota. She seems to know that no one will actually see this movie, so it isn’t too much of a blight on her career.

2) Now that they’ve gotten the Wretched Horror Movie out of the way, young stars Haley Bennett and Chace “My Parents Misspelled My First Name” Crawford can now aspire be the next Desmond Harrington, Chad Michael Murray or Jeremy Sisto…or they can star in some shitty CW TV series…or maybe that’s the same thing.

3) Shannon Woodward as Leah the Unique Rebel Girl (She smokes- gasp!!!, She drinks- gasp!!!) gives one of the few perfs in the movie that doesn’t flatline. I say ‘flatline’ because I was eating Newman’s Own Popcorn while I was watching this.

4) Molly can handle herself at a party (“I DON’T like be Threatened!!!”).

5) Is that an actual Pay Phone being used? I haven’t seen a working one of those in years. Kind of like Corey Haim, except the Pay phone has stayed in shape and people actually remember something a pay phone has done in the past 20 years.

6) Who doesn’t like a Lolita running around in a dripping wet Schoolgirl outfit?

Yeah, I’m really trying to find more things positive about this movie, but it’s a struggle because at least Saw V: Assignment Miami Beach, had gore (and fuck-nothing else) to keep us (mildly) interested

What doesn’t work-

1) Mommie Dearest- A poorly executed scene on a stairwell that looks like it was cut with 2 VCR’s and they did coverage months apart.

2) Quiet Down!!!- The producers seemed to have known this movie wasn’t working, so the decided to put in at least have a dozen fake Foley scares. You know the ones were the main characters does something innocuous and yet is startled, but we the audience get to hear the volume turned up REAL FUCKING LOUD!!! So we’re jumping out of our seat, not because there’s anything actually SCARY but because we’re trying to find the remains of our eardrum (see: that putrid The Omen remake, see: that putrid The Eye remake).

Seriously, how often are we frightened when someone walks toward us…at a completely normal speed and says ‘Hi’? All the time, if you’re in a bad horror movie.

3) Haley Bennett’s not a bad actress, but she can’t hyperventilate to save her life…or her career.

4) The only black person in the movie is a DJ at a party. Yeah, I’m not going to touch that one…

5) POSSIBLE SPOILER- After spending 90% of the movie setting up what Molly might become, the ending feels rushed. You leave the movie, lamenting the money you wasted, and thinking that all this effort was made to make Molly (SPOILER NOW)…the Valedictorian. I know there’s some supernatural bent hinted at like she’s Devil Girl or something, but it’s never really resolved. Even more of a reason that this movie is a waste of time.

Still, a rushed ending means you can go home earlier…

6) I have curfew at 10- You know you’re watching PG-13 Mall Horror when the Unique Rebel Girl Character Leah actually says the line “You’re not SCREWING with me, are you?” Wouldn’t an actual Unique Rebel say the F word? You’re given one of those in a PG-13 Hot Topic Horror movie, at least use it wisely.

You were never going to see this movie anyway, but if you were wavering, hope this helps. I’m sure you’ll see this eventually…and it’ll go something like this…

You’ll turn on late-night cable at 2 in the morning, stoned on catnip and drinking wine coolers because you have access to nothing else…

You’ll see the opening scene and your best friend will say: “Isn’t this that Haunting of Milly Hartwell movie? I heard it sucked.”

You’ll reply: “It does, but what else have we got to do? We’re drinking wine coolers for fucks’ sake.”

You’ll proceed to watch it and fall asleep halfway through…only to watch the second half a week later at 3 in the morning, confirming that yes indeed, this movie is as bad as you expected

But if you’re in a theater and you’re tempted, make your way PAST the Saw V screening, and into the theater playing Quarantine (if there are still any). That is if you want an actual good horror movie…