Oh boy, yet ANOTHER “found footage” horror movie where we the audience gets to see the action from the camera’s point of view and the biggest scare of the movie is whether we can keep our food in our stomachs in enough time to run to the lobby bathroom…

These types of things come in cycles so one really, really, really hopes that this one dies down before too long or else it’ll be like the Saw franchise where you roll your eyes at a new trailer or just plain feel sorry for it. In the past calendar year we’ve had the excellent Cloverfield and the inane, hollow George “Put out to pasture before he tarnishes his legend even more” Romero’s Diary of the Dull. Do we really need another POV horror movie?

Of course not, and that’s why we’re getting it. But not only is this another POV movie, it’s also a remake (how novel), and horror fans NEVER get enough of those. As you probably know, Quarantine is the remake of the French Brazilian Columbian J-Horror Hawaiian Russian Argentinean film REC — Read Review Here.

Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) is an on-camera personality for the news magazine We’re All Gonna Die On Camera. On this night, she’s interviewing LA Firefighters because firefighters are heroes and it’s about time they got their due. We get to meet fire fighters and probable dead people Jake (Jay Hernandez) and Fletcher (Johnathan Schaech) and their Dalmatian (by the name of I’ve got a Bad Feeling About This) as they give Angie a tour of the fire station. It’s a typical night in the lives of LA’s finest boys in yellow. They eat. They sleep. They watch each other in the showers.

We also learn that Fletcher would very, very much like to give Angela something, and is willing to put up $100 to prove it to any potential takers. What would he like to give her? His di-

-But there’s a call!!! And so everything’s put on hold. They’ll be back soon, because this call’s probably pretty innocuous…

…or maybe it’s not. But it probably is, because what are the odds of something really EVIL happening? ESPECIALLY when there’s a camera around to film everything.

Angela rides with the firemen to a hotel. It seems the LAPD and various other acronym’d agencies are there as well (GALA, SHIELD, SAG).

There’s an old woman in need of some serious medical attention: She’s fallen, and she CAN get up…and bite people. Turns out, she doesn’t have dentures and so there’s no chance of teeth falling out unless you get a good one across her jaw. No luck there either. Wow, good thing there’s a camera around to get all this, because it would make a really good story unless of course, everyone’s all dead. Then again it’d still make a good story.

Old lady has a pretty good bite and takes out Fletcher…and an unlucky cleaning woman. This is probably a violation of her lease, so she gets shot. But the damage is already done. Without a cleaning lady, so who’s gonna clean up the blood and guts? No one, probably…unless you can get somebody there right away, but there aren’t any cleaning agencies open at 1 in the morning who can do bloodstains, ‘cuz that shit’s hard to get out.

That’s really unfortunate, but it seems there are more pressing items on the agenda

The police and firemen try to restore order, screaming into their phones and going everything you’re not supposed to do in an emergency. But this is a different type of emergency…one that’s being filmed.

We get to know some of the characters in the building- Pay attention…because they’ll be dead before you know it

-Yuri the Landlord (Rade Serbedzija)
-Brianna (Joey King) the little girl with the cold
-Lawrence (Greg German)- the vet whose knowledge actually comes in handy…what an odd coincidence…

I could go on, but there’s really no point in differentiating them as actual people and rather you should think about them as disposable victims. It’ll make you feel better

As the characters scramble to find out what’s going on, they all are forced to meet in the lobby. Everything’ll be fine, they’re told. Someone will be with them shortly, they’re told. Someone should have told them most of you will die, because that would have been more accurate. Don’t these people remember that NO ONE will “will be with you shortly” even on the fucking phone, so what are the odds of that happening when lives are at stake and there may be BNC’s (the cool technical term for Biological Nuclear or Chemical bad thingy) on the loose? The odds are…not good, because they’re trapped. In fact you could say they’re…quarantined.

But that’s okay. Because it’s all a huge misunderstanding and by the end of the movie everyone is alive and everyone gets reunited with their loved ones. Angela gets a Pulitzer Nobel People’s Choice Peace prize for Journalism and shacks up with their cameraman (she starts a website where you could see her get creampied for only $15 a month). The Hotel gets a renovation and policemen get the respect they deserve. And there are no shitty horror remakes or POV films. Gas goes below $2 a gallon. Saw VIII wins the Academy Award for Best Picture and Josh Hartnett wins Best Actor, beating out Daniel Day-Lewis and Philip Seymour Hoffman-

-I know, I had you there until that “Josh Hartnett- Best Actor” thing, because some things…just aren’t possible. But really, after they’re quarantined, before you can yell out “Bitch don’t open that fucking door!!!” that’s when the really bad, bloody shit goes down. Good thing the camera has enough battery power to last the length of a feature film…

What works with Quarantine-

1) Johnathon Schaech was in last April’s awful Prom Night remake. Now he’s in this pretty good REC remake. Any progress should be acknowledged considering he’s…Johnathon Schaech

2) Brianna (Joey King), the Cute Little Girl who may or may not be a Cute Little Girl- remember that annoying scene in that stupid movie Little Miss Sunshine where Abigail Breslin gets that phone call and then she starts running around like a little bitch so much that you want to smack her with that frying pan you just used to make your scrambled eggs? It’s kind of like that, except with a lot more…red

3) Scott the cameraman (Steve Harris) goes all LAPD-to-Rodney-King on an unruly being…using his own camera. The camera’s on, there are people watching, and no high-priced lawyer’s gonna save you now!!!

4) A very cool Evil Dead reference

5) Quarantine can also be seen as a long PSA to get your rabies shots

6) Director John Erick Dowdle doesn’t dowdle about and keeps things moving. Any time there’s a potential dead spot…he just has the cameraman run so you’re too dizzy to care about things like story

7) The…Thing at the end of the movie is a wonderful creation, if only because you don’t get a really good shot of him/her/it. You just hear him/her/it…which is scary enough

What doesn’t work-

1) An overly revealing trailer that shows a good percentage of the best parts of the movie.

2) the convenience of having just one TV that works to let the audience know what’s going on in the outside world

3) Part of what works WHEN these types of films do work is that you really feel you’re NOT watching a movie…

In Quarantine, that’s not as possible because of the casting of recognizable if not “name” actors in the movie. Part of the illusion is lost when as you’re watching you say to yourself-

“Hey, it’s that delirious screaming girl from The Exorcism of Emily Rose” (Jennifer Carpenter)

“Hey, it’s that guy from Hostel” (Jay Hernandez)

“Hey, it’s that guy from That Thing You Do” (Johnathon Schaech)

“Hey, it’s that pimp from Eyes Wide Shut (Rade Serbedzija)

But on the plus side, you get people that can actually ACT

4) Don’t eat too heavy a meal before you watch this, because it’s probably not good movie-going form to be pukin’ your Pop Tarts all over the row in front of you

Overall. Quarantine. A good POV movie, but it gives you no more or less than you’d expect if you’ve seen one of these types of movies before. You’re more than aware where ALL the scares are coming from. It’s got blood and gore and all the good gooey stuff, and if you’re a fan of that, then you’ll be more than satisfied

Let’s just hope it’s the last film of its kind for a long, long while..