Stop me if you’ve heard this before…

7 friends meet at a cabin by a creek (hence the title of the movie The Creek…as opposed to 7 Friends Meet at A Cabin). It’s a tradition they’ve been enacting for years. They drink. They smoke. They do everything but have sex.

But one night, one fateful and tragic night, one of the friends, Billy (Tim Jesiolowski) is killed. He gets bludgeoned by a rock to the head by an unseen hand. The police determine it was an accident. Billy was drunk and he fell over and hit his head on a rock. And because police in independent horror films are complete fucking morons, we accept this rather weak story thread because we wouldn’t have a movie otherwise. If you’ve seen enough independent (read: Dollar store budget) horror films, you wish police in the movies were halfway intellectual so we wouldn’t have to sit through so many of these shitty no budget/no acting/no production value/no story direct-to-DVD-only-family-members-of-the-crew-and-cast-have-heard-of-it movies that make an hour and a half seem like watching grass grow.

But I digress…

It’s 5 years later and the 6 non-dead friends remain alive, if not necessarily in touch…

We have-

-Calvin (Dave Foster)- All you need to know about Calvin is that he’s an insecure asshole, which is pretty much the extent of his character “arc”. He looks a little like Paul Walker’s brother…Chet Walker. Except Dave Foster is a much better actor than Paul Walker. The fucking cabin is a much better actor than Paul Walker. Anyway, Calvin is such a t’aint smear that it’s a strong possibility he could have been the one that killed Billy.

-Angel (Kathryn Morris)- She’s feisty, has reddish-black hair. Looks a little like Gina Gershon’s little sister…Chet Gershon. Everybody’s got the hots for her, and it could prove to be her undoing. But she’s very independent and knows how to handle herself so it’s a strong possibility that she could have been the one that killed Billy

-Jesse (Erik Soulliard)- He’s a mechanic. And the actor playing him is actually the writer and director of the movie. So it’s no secret as to why he got a plum part, as if the six primaries, he’s the one that makes the least impression. But he’s the director, so it’s a strong possibility that he could have been the one that killed Billy

Emily (Melissa Rhoads)- this character screams. A lot. She squeals so much that it’s strong possibility that she could have been the one that killed Billy. Or that you in the audience want to kill this character.

Coop (Brian Jesiolowski)- AKA “Jesse’s Ass Puppet” This is what he’s called in the movie, but the movie doesn’t really delve into the “Ass Puppet” aspect of their relationship although they might be seen wearing matching Gyllenhaal/Ledger shirts and hats. What really matters about Coop is that…he’s tall. Freakishly tall. He’s so tall that it’s a strong possibility that he could have been the one that killed Billy

Elise (Nancy Soulliard)- Wow, the actress’ last name and the writer/director’s last name match. But that’s probably coincidence. Anyway, Elise is a whiny bitch. She’s such a shrill to be around that it’s a strong possibility that she could have been the one that killed Billy

What do they all have in common? They’ve ALL seen Billy’s ghost, and on the eve of the 5 year anniversary of his death, no doubt. Coincidence? Of course not. This is a low-budget movie and the production team doesn’t have time to shoot “coincidence”.

They’ve seen Billy’s ghost. They know the police report, but there’s always been something hinky about it since Billy could hold his liquor. Yup, the police are morons, and it’s up to them to figure out what Billy’s ghost could want…

It’s up to them to figure out who could…kill Bill.

But darn it if they don’t get up to the cabin and people start getting picked off, one by one. Yeah, I’ll bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Is it Billy’s ghost taking much needed revenge and apparently waiting for a nice round number like 5 years instead of something odd, like 3.333 years to take vengeance? Or something or someone more sinister?

The answer is Yes…or no

I know, you have heard this all before. And what possible reason could one have for watching this movie, when you’ve seen something like it probably a dozen times? Let’s find out…

What works with The Creek-

1) WOW!!! The opening credits actually look professional. After seeing so many low-no budget horror flicks with credits made by a computer dug up from 1982, it’s refreshing to see credits that look like a film you’d actually pay to see

2) The person you really want to die/kill actually dies first, and no, I don’t mean Billy.

3) Realistic blood!!!

4) Dissolves!!! Professional looking fadeouts!!! Maybe a push shot or two!!! Sightlines that match!!! We don’t normally see this type of production value in low budget horror and it comes as a more than pleasant surprise

5) Halfway decent special effects. Billy’s ghost doesn’t look all that dorky

6) “Stuck-up Bitch” Beer

7) Of the 6 main members of the cast, Brian Jesiolowski (Coop) is the best actor of the bunch. No stilted line readings that make it seem like he’s reading from 2pt cue cards or couldn’t make the cut for dinner theater. He’s as natural an actor I’ve seen in these types of movies and has enough screen presence to work in mainstream stuff

8. Calvin’s Rant

9) Kathryn Merry as Angel holds second place in terms of performance

What doesn’t work-

1) The Creek’s decent production value is in direct contrast with the weak unexceptional story line. Friends meeting in a cabin? Possible revenge killings? Why don’t they just have a story about a haunted house and its “legend”? Probably because you’d have to actually shoot it inside a house

2) A 5-7 minute expository scene in which characters just sit around a campfire seems more like 20. When you get to this section of the movie, feel free to look around your DVD collection for something else to watch after this. You won’t be missing much and you’ll be able to catch up later as there are no real surprises in this movie unless you’ve just woken up from a coma or recently suffered from a bout of prolonged amnesia. Honestly, you’ll still be able to figure it out

3) On the screener I got the DVD cover displays all these awards (don’t worry, you’ve probably never heard of them) The Creek has won. As I was watching it I kept wondering, “What the hell was this movie’s competition?” My guess is… TV test patterns or something from an airport security camera

4) A fake looking fall into a lake. It’s rewind and laugh worthy, kids

5) Somebody stop Emily from screeching, please…

6) There’s a fight involving a 2*4 that is so generically staged as to warrant the biggest unintentional laugh of the movie. You wonder how these pussies went down with such a love tap

7) An improbable way to stop a moving vehicle but a wonderful storytelling shortcut

Is The Creek a good movie? Not really, but it is a professional looking one, which might bump it up to mediocre, which for these types of movies is actually better-than-normal and could serve other low budget filmmaking teams as a tent pole in terms of making a movie that doesn’t have Special Olympic production value.

Now if Erik Soulliard could come up with a decent story, we might just have something really watchable here…