Cavegirl (1985)

Sure this is a romantic-comedy and has nothing to do with horror. So why am I talking about it? Because it’s Another USA Up All Night “classic”, it has Michelle Bauer naked and I’m really fucking bored.

Nobody likes the nerdy Rex (Daniel Roebuck of Dudes, Disorganized Crime, Bubba Ho-Tep, plus a shitload of other stuff), not even Michelle Bauer’s naked boobs like him. Poor guy. Anyway, his archeology class (they have those in high school?) goes on a field trip to a mine shaft that somehow transports him back to the Stone Age. Oh wait, he was fondeling some magic crystals and I think maybe got shot by a missle? Doesn’t matter.

He exits the mine and soon runs into some silly cave-people who don’t like him either. The Cavegirl, is played by Cynthia Thompson (Tomboy, Traci Lords Not of this Earth). Her film career wasn’t very extensive which is a shame cause she’s so damn hot. Anyway, the Cavegirl, Eba discovers Rex sleeping and I guess is facinated by his 80s clothing.

Some cannibals show up and capture Eba and the other group of cave people. Rex saves everyone and the cavegirl finally fucks him. The sex scene was to brief, but then again I also think every sex scene in a film should be hardcore and involve anal. When he returns to his own time and nobody believes his story, he remembers his life sucks and goes back through the magic mine shaft to the past. I think getting away from that damn “Feed the World” song may have been a factor too.

Hundra (1983)
Great, awful barbarian flick of the 80s. Hundra’s played by ex-wrestler Laurene Landon (Maniac Cop 1 & 2, The Stuff, Full Moon High, America 3000 and Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up). While off collecting firewood or some shit, her psuedo-Amazon villiage is attacked by a tribe of all male barbarians, who rape and kill everyone. Like real men, they only communicate via burping, grunting, farting and laughing. Then she goes to their camp and kills them all. If that was the whole movie it might have been genuinely good.. maybe. That’s just the begining though.

Hundra then goes to see some wise old bitch who tells her that as the last of her tribe, it’s up to her to repopulate it and that she should go to the nearest city to find herself a Bull worshipping man. As she’s heading out, Hundra gets attacked by a midget barbarian riding a shetland pony.. this movie’s worth watching for that scene alone. She then gets naked and rides her horse along the beach for no reason other than to show us her tits. Good enough reason to me.

When she gets to the “Bull city” she gets in a fight, kicks some ass and then the town guards run her off a roof. When this healer guy fixes her up, she decides he’s worthy to breed with. Being a crude barbarian though, he doesn’t want to bang her. So she recruits some priestess to help teach her to act Ladylike.. blah blah blah. It’s cheesy, it has boobs, it has sword fights. That’s pretty much all that matters in a barbarian movie.

I ordered the dvd for $12 last week when I was trashed, turns out it they went all out on this one. It includes the film’s soundtrack (done by the same guy who scored Red Sonja and Mel Gibson’s Hamlet) and a mini-comicbook that has some lesbian sex. The DVD has tons of special features too. Not that I ever watch those but it’s nice having the option. The back cover also has a shot of her naked on it with a bar over her boobs. Classy!