After 6 years the X-Files is back, hitting the big screens after 9 seasons of being on the air (7 of those which were actually good). Who wouldn’t want to believe that after more than half a decade Mulder and Scully hadn’t worn out their welcome, and that X Files faithful would welcome them back with open arms, ready to tackle aliens, government conspiracies, cigarette smoking octogenarians, black oil, abductions and whatever creator Chris Carter and his crew cranked out? It’s been said that The X-Files was one of the most cinematic shows ever put on television, and having been a casual fan in the late 90’s, I’d have to agree.

Casual, I say, because I was saw it every Sunday night without fail and X-Files: Fight The Future was one of my favorite movie experiences of that summer of ’98. And then after the first movie, like so many others…I stopped watching.

But when I first saw the posters for the The X Files: I Want to Believe, I wanted to believe that yes, The X Files could scare me again, teaching teenage PG-13 Twat Waffle horror movies like Shutter or Prom Night how to really frighten someone.

I wanted to believe that not seeing any trailers and a minimum of ads to the new movie was 20th Century Fox and Chris Carter’s strategy: Not giving too much away in this age of leaks and fanboy cum-spurt of spoilers an instant after the fact. I thought it was brilliant of Fox to keep things to a minimum and that they should have done that with their June summer flick The Happening. They should have kept The Happening so secret as to not have released it, which would have kept millions of viewers happier.

But after watching X-Files: I Want to Believe, I HAVE to believe that it was kept under wraps because Fox didn’t want to spend the money on ads…because it’s not a very good movie. At its best, I Want to Believe is a barely competent episode of the X Files, and certainly one that doesn’t warrant you paying $10, wasting gas to drive to see this in the theaters.

It’s not bad per se, but the bigger fan of The X Files you are, the more disappointed you’ll be. However if you are a huge fan of Mulder and Scully, you’ll see this regardless, so just have your favorite episodes on DVD handy because you’ll be lamenting what you’ve just witnessed on your drive home. I like the Vampire town episode and that one with Peter Boyle as the psychic myself…
Certainly better than what I just saw onscreen today, especially when The Dark Knight was playing in the auditorium next to me.

Sigh…

It’s 6 years later…

Scully’ a doctor trying to save some kid from dying from some disease, but I wasn’t really paying attention because that part was dreary.

An agent goes missing in the snow, taken by nefarious men with Russian accents. A defrocked priest (he’s a convicted kiddie molester- A Catholic Priest a child buggerer? What a fucking SHOCK!!!) Father Joe (Billy Connolly), claiming to have visions leads a group of FBI agents to a specific spot in the snow, and find not said missing agent, but a severed arm. After discerning that none of the present agents are currently missing an arm, turns out that it might be a clue.

That’s pretty odd. So odd that Agent Dakota Whitney (Amanda Peet), thinks a fossil of an ex-agent named Fox Mulder can help, since she’s seen old episodes of X Files and Spooky’s hip-deep into this freaky shit.

The FBI (Xzibit- far, far away from Tha Dogg Pound) finds Scully, who can find Mulder, since they’re living together.

Mulder has let himself go. We know this because he’s grown a beard, yet he’s kept in decent shape and hasn’t turned Gandolfini chunky.

(paraphrased) Scully says Mulder should help. Mulder says fuck the FBI. Scully says fine. Mulder says fine I’ll do it after looking at a picture of his abducted dead sister.The rest of the movie involves Father Pedophile seeing more visions that may or may not be true, crazy white Russians, kidnapped girls, stem cell research, and a shaven headed kid with a debilitating disease.

And that’s the hook to one of the most second-rate movie offerings of the summer as whatever goodwill you might have held toward the past greatness of the X Files TV show evaporates as you realize that no, this movie isn’t getting any better. Believe THAT.

What works about X Files: I Want to Believe-

1) Seeing Mulder and Scully together after 6 years. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson always had great chemistry together, no small secret to the success of the show. And seeing them in a familiar 2-shot does bring back some of that excitement. However…

2) Amanda Peet brings some life to criminally underwritten character. With Mulder and Scully being their typical sourpusses, Peet knows that being a FILM actor means showing more than one expression, and makes Dakota Whitney a more interesting character than she should be. You wish the movie had more of her

3) A picture of our current President gets the biggest laugh of the movie

4) The Dark Knight is probably in a theater next to you. It’s not too late to see that again. You’d have a better time.

5) What’s in the box?

6) Billy Connolly is fun to watch chew scenery as the Pedophile Priest. He’s the only one in this movie that looks like he’s having any fun

7) An old friend from the series makes an appearance…just in time

What doesn’t work- Double Sigh…

1) Writer/director Chris Carter doesn’t seem to remember what made the series so great in the first place. The interplay between Mulder and Scully is stilted and forced, as it feels like you’re watching copies of copies of those 2 characters instead of characters themselves.

2) Nothing in this movie belongs on the big-screen and it feels like Carter, used to writing for the small, padded things just to make the movie fill the running time. It shows. And there are moments when the movie pauses…just for a commercial. The Sex and the City movie had more movie ‘moments’ even though it was 7 hours long

3) Alvin “Xzibit” Joiner- Xzibit does nothing but scowl. I sometime wished he’d bust out rhyming just to bring some enthusiasm into this movie. Maybe say ‘’Sup Bitch!!!’ or ‘My Niggaz be trippin’ over these visions!!!’

4) Padding: The subplot with Scully and the sick Kid. It was arduous watching this weak story strand develop. After a while I just wanted the fucking kid to die just so we could go back to the real story.

5) There really isn’t a moment that actually scares you.

6) A non-climax that leaves you spent with dissatisfaction. This is the part where you think of the dozens of episodes that were put together better than this movie

7) The “Wave” at the end credits. What the hell was that?

Overall. I Want To Believe. I want to throw up. X Files fans MUST lower expectations. This is the US Marshalls to The Fugitive. The DJ Jazzy Jeff to the Fresh Prince. The Peter Scolari to Tom Hanks. If the old X Files Episodes are The Harlem Globetrotters, then X Files: I Want to Believe are a team of white guys. You get the idea. Like I said, it’s not bad, but worse than you’d ever expect. Hey, don’t take my word for it. See it and be crestfallen yourself