You’ve probably seen the TV promos where John Waters introduces love and murder vignettes on CourtTV. So are these Real Tales From Darkside any good? The show is just as cheesy as you could hope from the guy who made Divine eat dog shit in Pink Flamingos.
Honest to god, the series opens with a lovely married couple. The wife turns to her new husband and says, “Now that we’re married I need you to be completely honest with me – Do I look fat in this dress?” As if a size 8 actress playing “plus size” wasn’t insulting enough, the lady has to be that fucking down on herself to ask such a stupid question while standing on an altar? The cheese continues with Walters catching the bouquet like the diva he is. If it were anyone else, I probably wouldn’t tolerate this lunacy.
The majority of the male and female characters are played as stereotypes. The women are little more than boring housewives or sluts that fuck their way in and out of murder schemes. Considering these stories are based on real people that most likely have serious psychological disorders, going a tad deeper with the source material should have been easy. But some episodes are directed by a guy who spent a good deal of his career working on tacky day soaps like The Bold and The Beautiful. ‘Nuff said.
All the episodes are schmaltzy- like a guy getting hit by a flying kid while plotting a murder (!) or Jehovah Witnesses conveniently showing up to annoy the fuck out of a wife after a killing. The Strip Club Murders upped the ante with the involvement of a lesbian tryst. (SPOILER ALERT) But The Clown Case was by far the best episode with its bizarre inclusion of a clown lover who…winds up being an alternate personality for a delusional housewife.
Episodes like the May-December romance are fun because the situation is already laughable. But the episodes dealing with real love, lost dreams, and broken families are just downright depressing and the goofy manner in which they are handled just seems irresponsible. A husband telling his devoted wife, “I will set the house on fire with you in it” practically gave me a panic attack.
Episode Listings and my drunken ratings:
The Clown Case - Best episode and features perverted clown sex!
The Strip Club Murder - Lesbian strippers and a douchebag extraordinaire
The Airplane Murder - Stupid old man gets punk’d from beyond the grave
Funeral Parlor Murder - Uhhh, “plus size” lady kept fat by nutty husband
Time Capsule Murder - Mildly depressing about a loser husband
Storage Unit Murder – Very depressing about – guess what? – a loser husband
Car Keys Murder – Slutty McSlut turned in by her slutty male slut
The Bog Murder - (I passed out and missed this…)
The In-Law Murders - (I passed out and missed this…)
The Pond Scum Murder - (I passed out and missed this…)
The Beauty Queen Murder - (I passed out and missed this…)
A Christmas Murder - I passed out, but this sounds awesome…
Murder Mystery Weekend - I passed out, but this sounds awesome…
DVD Extras: Interviews with Hanes, Waters, and two executive producers. “New introductions” by Waters for each episode. There’s also a nice tri-fold case holding the DVDs with a 16 page glossy booklet featuring summaries of all 13 episodes.
Bottom Line: A decent watch on late night TV, but not worth buying the DVD to watch all of these episodes back to back. Well, maybe when you are drunk.
Rating: 7/10
