Granted, it’s not as stupid as that Narnia movie (any movie with a talking beaver unless it involves Kylie Ireland or Gianna Michaels should be expunged) or for those of you who stayed awake through it (and according to Box Office results not a lot of you did) Speed Racer, but it comes pretty close…
I didn’t think it was possible for writer/director/egomaniac M. Night Shyamalan to make a worse movie than his uneven sunken Lady in the Water, but I’m wrong. I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again before I shuffle off this mortal coil, but I didn’t want to be. I really Didn’t.
I liked The Sixth Sense a lot, and no I didn’t get that Bruce Willis was d—d back in ’99 when I saw it. I was too wrapped up in the story to be thinking twist…and I’m guessing you didn’t get it either. If you say you did you’re a lying motherhumper…OR, it was one of about 15 possibilities you threw out while you were watching it, and it just happened to be right. That doesn’t count either. Anyway, I like Unbreakable the more times I watch it (simply for Sam Jackson’s big-ass eyes and weird fro), and I liked Signs…the first time I saw it…
But…Night has made the transition from that ‘director with the twist endings’ to…that director who makes those idiotic movies…and who can’t act. Really can’t act. My fucking Speak ‘N’ Spell from when I was 4 has more inflection and can emote better than his Hartnettesque line stumbling…
It seems like I’m picking on him, but when you cast yourself as the Savior of the World (Lady In the Water), and then make one of the worst films of 2006, then you need to be bitch-slapped with nine inches of…something that hurts when it slaps you. I’m guessing that the savage reviews of The Happening will finally make him lose final cut and carte blanch on most filmmaking decisions, which could be a good thing, since he is a talented filmmaker and needs someone to check him…
Now…onto one of the worst films of 2008…The Happening
It stars Mark Wahlberg as…Mark Wahlberg. He’s visiting his brother Donnie Wahlberg as Donnie and his old New Kids On The Block comrades for the their reunion tour, sponsored by Ben-Gay and Geritol and other companies that are charitable enough to sponsor old 80’s has-been boy bands-
-I must ask the eternal Question: Is it more pathetic that Donnie Wahlberg was a part of New Kids on The Block…or Saw IV? There may never be an answer to that, my friends… At least Marky Mark knew when to stop after only being a one-hit wonder…-
-Now, I was in 8th grade when they were ‘In’ and I don’t really know their names other than Donnie (simply because he DID SOMETHING WITH HIS LIFE), but I think the New Kids On the Block were: Zach (the gay one), Cody (the other gay one), Dewey (the transsexual harpsichord player), Jocko (the one with the obsessive thing for Natalie, the fat one from Facts of Life), Melon (the racist bass player), Ellen (the tomboy who always wanted to fit in), Coochie (the one with crabs and addiction to Slurpees), Hansen (the guy currently stalking Diablo Cody and William Hurt- I don’t get the Hurt thing, but Hansen’s kinda weird), Christoff (the French guy with the Brooklyn accent, says ‘Hallooo’ a lot), Lenny (he’s the token black guy, doesn’t like that Melon is racist), Clark (he’s writes their music, and likes to take it up the ass from other guys, but won’t admit he’s gay, he also has 3 eyes), Rudolfo (he has a lisp and ‘likes’ potted plants), Hank (he’s the hick that plays the key-tar), and Amy Winehouse (no, not THAT one, he- it IS a HE- just has the same name, but is not fucked-up and doesn’t wear diapers). Like I said, I’m not familiar with the New Kids, so if I’m wrong, don’t bother correcting me, because do you REALLY want people to know that you KNOW that much about the fucking New Kids? Didn’t think so…
And if you’re in your late 30’s/early 40’s, aren’t you not technically ‘new’…nor a ‘kid’?
Anyway, the ‘Happening’ is about when Marky Mark, after saying dozens of ‘NO’S’ to the other New Kids asking to be in one of his movies, goes to one of their reunion concerts…
Mark NOTICES…that the odor around the place is eau-de-has-been sprinkled with a touch of sadness He SEES that most of the New Kids audience are pregnant, and/or in the midst of their 3rd divorce and then he sees…Donut (he’s the fat one, did I mention they had a fat New Kid, I mean fatter than all the others…), simply crumble into dust like the bad guy at the end of ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’. What is ‘Happening’? Is it something supernatural…or are these guys that fucking old? Seriously, Harrison Ford in ‘Indy 4’ looks younger than these Troglodytes…
WARNING: what you just read, was a ‘fake’ summary of the M. Night Shyamalan movie The Happening. Had that been a real summary, it would been MORE INTERESTING THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE ACTUAL MOVIE
The actual movie involves people dying…but who really cares? Don’t see it. See Hulk’instead. But you were already going to, weren’t you?
M. Noel Penaflor’s: What works in The Happening-
1) M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t make the stupid mistake of ‘acting’ (if you can call it that) in this particular movie. Good. He can’t act, and it only took him 5 movies to figure that out…
2) The Incredible Hulk opens on the same weekend, so you have something better to watch
3) That’s one way to feed the lions at the zoo- Was that scene intended to be funny? Because I, along with at least 15 other people were LOAO…
4) Josh shouldn’t have been kicking that door so much- the only scary/slash shocking moment in the movie. You’ll notice it because you will have woken up from that snooze you were taking during the rest of the movie, and remember to wipe that drool… Still, it’s a great moment…
5) John Leguizamo does solid dramatic work- too bad (or too good?) that he’s in the movie for like…15 minutes…
6) A show-off shot involving a passed around gun…
7) Those deaths you see in the trailer…they’re one of the scariest parts of the movie…too bad you’ve already seen them…
The plant exposition guy with a fetish for hot dogs
9) Betty Buckley as the world’s most manic host- Don’t touch her cookies
What doesn’t work-
1) The climax…as in there isn’t one…
2) The only real tension arises when you ask yourself “When will this movie get good?” That moment never comes, my friends…
3) There should have so much more gore…
4) Mark Wahlberg- he’s a good actor (Martin Scorsese and PTA showed you that), but all he does in this movie is look confused and say some version of the line ‘What’s Happening?’ I did like him talking to the plant, because it was one of the few moments I wasn’t bored or in disbelief at how bad it was
5) Feed me Seymour!!!- I can accept superheroes (Unbreakable), I can almost accept Aliens allergic to fucking water (Signs), but M. Night asks us to believe-
In The Village that all the villagers, with all their smarts and stuff, think the best decision is to send A BLIND GIRL into the heart of darkness. You know why that turn isn’t believable? Because the bitch is BLIND!!!
(SPOILER!!!) And in The Happening we’re asked to believe that (SPOILER here!!!)…The Plant Empire Strikes Back. I feel stupid just writing that. It was sad just watching such a stupid premise ruin a movie…
6) Zooey Deschanel Number 5- She’s not given much of a character to play, but her character Alma doesn’t show a lot of emotion. We know this because her character Alma repeatedly says ‘I don’t like to show a lot of emotion’. That’s just bad screenwriting. How much do you want to bet that by the end of the movie, she actually does show emotion?
In closing. The Happening. Skip It. New Hulk. Watch it. New Kids on the Block. Pity Them.
