I don’t know much about physics, but I have heard that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity may explain why a rancid movie like Kinky Killers, at only 85 minutes, can seem soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much longer…
There-
Because I mentioned Einstein, even though I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about, that sentence is smarter than ANYTHING in Kinky Killers. Yes, it’s that bad. It’s worse than bad, it’s boring, lacking and any of the titillating fun that you can sometimes get with these T and A movies masquerading as ‘sexy psychological thrillers’…
But, if you can’t sleep one of these nights, I’m sure this will be on between the hours of 1 and 5 in the morning on your favorite late night cable channel. Watching this’ll definitely put you to sleep, or lead you to slit your wrists…
I’ll try to keep this as short as I can, if only to save you some time, and so I don’t have to think about this fucking movie any more than I have to.
People are getting killed. Specifically, 3 naked women and one man. That’s not so strange in itself other than that parts of their bodies are being chopped off (head, arm, leg) and what remains of the corpses are branded with random words…or do they mean something? And why should we care? It’s up to two latent homosexual cops (Michael Pare and Mark Belasco) to solve the case. Somehow it also involves a freaky psychologist who spends half the movie topless, Dr. Jill (Beverly Lynne), and couple of lawyers, Jack/Bob, a strip bar, and Satan. If that makes no sense to you, believe me, you’re not alone…
What works about Kinky Killers-
1) Titties!!!- I’m scraping the bottom of the class barrel here, but I’m trying really hard to think of something nice to say about this movie
2) Jessie- She’s a lawyer by day and a stripper by night…and that’s actually one of the more believable parts of the movie.
3) The fakest fake onscreen fucking I’ve ever seen- this is a positive because it made me laugh, which is the best reaction I had to this movie.
4) Naked Religious rituals- Hey, It kept my attention
5) A cop says the line “Let Me get these titties in focus”. Apparently he knows how the audience feels. We just have to watch the movie. HE has to be in it
6) Every singe female character in this movie is hot. Just like life…
7) Key plot points are revealed while no less than 6 characters are having simultaneous onscreen sex. Stupid yes, but it’s still funny…
What doesn’t work- It’s not very critic-y to say ‘98% of the fucking movie, so I’ll be more specific
1) Kenneth Del Vecchio – He’s listed about a dozen times in the opening credits, as the writer of the short story, co-writer of the screenplay, producer, and even has a small acting part. Dude, I wouldn’t be too proud. Now we remember your name and associate it with a really shitty movie
2) Random Song performed in the middle of the movie that does nothing but waste your time
3) Cop decides to wait in apartment. Cop and roommate fuck randomly. Cop gets decapitated. Yeah, that’s believable…
4) Academy Award nominee Charles Durning embarrasses himself by appearing in this steaming pile of dung. The good news: NO ONE will ever see this so he won’t have to explain what he was doing
5) Some of the worst C movie music. It sounds like the producers recorded it off some videotaped (beta) TV movie from the 70’s
6) Brandon Slagle- gets the Josh Hartnett monotone acting award for playing ‘Dean’. Heath Ledger in his present state acts better than this guy. Maybe director George Lekovic should have told this ‘actor’ to take the 20 sticks of fucking gum out of his mouth before he mumbled his lines
7) Really bad knot tying leads to fortuitous escapes
I’ve seen porno sets better than these. The ‘offices’ look like the same set with maybe the chair changed and a vase removed… My attic looks more professional
9) SPOILER: Even though He’s hinted at, Satan does not make an appearance in this movie. Kudos to the Dark Lord for NOT appearing in this crap. He was smart
Life is short. Do something fun with it. If you must watch a movie, make sure it’s not Kinky Killers…or you might wish you were dead.
