You want killer bears?
Then watch Grizzly Park.
You want hos, white supremacists, cholas, Asian girls who poison their mothers, black guys that swindle old people, white preppy guys with roman numerals after their last names, dumb brunettes who wear shirts that say ‘Save the Ta-Tas’, and a guy that walks around in a bear suit?
Then watch Grizzly Park.
You want a terrifying, suspenseful horror movie that’s worth the price and time of a rental?
Then watch…something else.
Sigh…
The premise…as it were…
Parks are closing down for the season, and that goes for our titular park, Grizzly park, so named because there are probably Grizzlies out and about… But before they can be closed, they have to be cleaned. They WILL be cleaned by juvenile delinquents forced to do community service.And it just so happens that a serial rapist/killer has escaped and killed the person about to transport said juvenile delinquents to Grizzly Park.
1) Ty (Shedrack Anderson) – He’s the black guy that swindled old people out of their money and has a lot of electronic equipment on him. Grizzly Park DARES to defy horror conventions by NOT having the black guy die first…
…He dies second. Trust me, I’m not really ruining anything
2) Lola (Zulay Henao) – She’s a Hispanic gangsta bitch that packs a gun that somehow makes it past inspection, and maybe has an eye for…
3) Scab (Randy Wayne) – He’s a white supremacist who may have Jungle Fever for Lola. You can tell he’s a white supremacist because he has a tattoo stenciled on his tummy that says ‘White Power’. Incidentally, his character’s real name is Michael White, so he was fucked from birth. He also sniffs gas. That’s important later. I think.
4) Candy (Julie Skon) – She’s a ho
5) Trickster (Kavan Reece)- he’s a trickster who decides it’s a cool idea to dress up like a bear and scare people. But it’s probably not
6) Kiki (Jelynn Rodriquez)- She’s Asian and is doing community service for poisoning her mother. That’s it. That’s all you need to know about because she will eat it relatively early.
7) Ryan Forbes the III (Trevor Patterson)- He’s a preppie rich kid who almost killed a girl fucking with bags over their heads and has actually wears a sweater over his shoulders in stereotypical rich white kid fashion. You will hope for his death.
Bebe (Emily Foxter)- She’s the dumb brunette who gets all the movie’s best lines
All of these hooligans (who btw all still look like jaded LA actors) are led by Ranger Bob (Glenn Morshower- such a dirty last name) to pick up trash, and maybe…to save their souls.
That is, unless a killer bear gets them first…
What works about Grizzly Park -
1) It opens with a quote from the Bible- that apparently makes this a DEEP movie. Maybe they should have tried to make this a scary one…or maybe a good one
2) Everybody likes a group bathing scene
3) “Gotta drain the Dragon”
“You have a dragon? I love Dragons!!!”
4) Emily Foxter gives the only performance worth remembering because like I wrote, she gets all the best lines as the airhead brunette. OR IS SHE?
5) A guy peeing on ants- You just know a horror movie is bad when a guy peeing on ants makes it as one of the positives…
6) The gore in the last 3rd of the movie- mmmm…tasty
7) You know a horror movie is bad when the only real suspense generated is finding out if Bebe’s tits are real or not. And you do find out…in one of the films funniest moments.
A character copping a feel right before getting killed. If you gotta go…go with a smile…
9) Bebe again- “Skunk? I thought it was a forest cat.”
What doesn’t work -
1) Not really scary…at all. Director/writer Tom Skull telegraphs EVERY bear attack. The name Tom Skull is more interesting than most of the movie
2) Scab is the most pussy White Supremacist ever put on film. His greatest line? “Ever lick a Frog?” He’s in direct contact with a black man for a little bit of the movie and acts like a little bitch around him.
3) Dorky mug shot intro for our delinquents
4) LAME twist at the end
5) Nothing is done with the rapist/killer aspect of the movie
6) Too much time is spaced between attacks, leaving the audience wanting to sniff gas like Scab
7) There’s hardly any gore for the first hour of the movie- Yawn…
You have 8 attractive young people in a captive situation. One of them is a hooker. How is it possible that this movie has no fucking nudity? That now leaves NO POSSIBLE REASON to see this movie even on a dare
9) Ron Howard’s dad Rance Howard appears briefly playing…Ranger Howard. Mr. Howard, tell your son to hire you so you don’t have to make crap like this
So stay away from Grizzly Park, not because it’s scary, but because it’s a bad movie…
I need a better closing line than that…
So stay away from Grizzly Park, not because it’s scary, but because it’s a really bad movie. There, that’s better…
