“Teeth” revolves around Dawn (Jess Weixler) a teenage girl on the verge of adulthood who discovers that she’s not like the other girls in at her high school. While the rest of her class is concerned with the average teenage issues: acne, college, boyfriends, etc. Dawn’s problem’s a bit more sensitive, for while the other girls might be worried about having to get braces on their face, Dawn might have to get a set for her crotch. That’s because she has “Vagina Dentada” which I think is Latin for “a cunt full of teeth.” You see, Dawn’s the type of girl that can spread her lips and smile a toothy grin that only a midget can appreciate.
Outside of her chomper filled cooch Dawn is just your average high school girl attempting to subdue her growing sexual urges by leading a “promise ring” group. It’s basically a cheesy ring that reminds the wearer that they promised god or jebus or whatever, that they won’t follow their natural mammal urges to form the beast with two backs. Not something I would ever consider but for a girl that doesn’t masturbate and has never even looked at her va-jay-jay, it’s not too hard. This is not what I could say for her boyfriend whose wanton lust drives him to rape Dawn after an ill-planned swimming trip. Before her nether mouth chomped down on his invading dick, Dawn had no idea that she was…special. But after that incident Dawn finds out that she’s gonna have to start buying her toothbrushes in twin packs.
For a flick whose sole reason for existence is the fact that it’s main character has a snatch full of molars, “Teeth” sure takes its time getting around to involving them in the plot. With the exception of a little pre-credit nibble on her brother there is no sign of her pussy teeth until almost forty minutes into this hour and a half long movie. Add to that the filmmaker’s inability to decide if it’s a serious film or a parody and you end up with a flick that’s one half “Degrassi Junior High,” one half a Troma film and in the end, a complete mess. With all the internet hype surrounding “Teeth” and it’s one note gimmick it’s no surprise that the film fails to pay off. In the end “Teeth” is all bark and no bite.
The majority of “Teeth” oozes cheese, from the horrible music that sounds like it was taken from an episode of “Xena” to the terribly hammy acting on display by everyone involved. Jess Weixler’s portrayal of Dawn is just annoying, she does this “golly-gee-whiz I’m so innocent that everything shocks me and causes me to bug my eyes out” thing that gets old fifteen minutes into the film…that’s all about her character! The other miscast member is her brother Brad played by that creepy asexual looking guy from “Nip/Tuck” John Hensley. In keeping with the unintentional ultra cheesy vibe Brad has a bunch of tattoos that are obviously drawn on with a Sharpie. In fact, early in the film there is a moment when one of his “bad-ass tribal tats” is a bit faded and smudged from frolicking in bed with his girlfriend. On a side note, what’s the deal with white guys and tribal tattoos? What tribe are they are apart of? Are their ancestors part of the undocumented Abercrombie and Fitch tribe that scoured the British hills while hunting the wild Birkenstock?
“Teeth” is the first film from Mitchell Lichtenstein, a failed actor who is so unremarkable in his prior work that he has been on two episodes of “Law and Order” playing different roles each time. Mitchell is the son of Roy Lichtenstein the former “pop artist” best known for enlarging comic book panels and passing themselves off as art and it looks like the hack doesn’t fall too far from the tree. With most first time directors I can usually find something redeeming in their creations, but with “Teeth” the only redeeming moment was a campy scene involving Dawn’s newly digit less gynecologist writhing on the floor screaming “IT”S TRUE…VAGINA DENTADA!!! VAGINA DENTADA!!!” Unfortunately the joy of this scene is immediately cut short by the Lichtenstein’s attempt to return the flick’s momentum to a serious pace. If “Teeth” could have decided what kind of film it wanted to be, then it might have been salvageable. After awhile all the severed penises get old and the shock value of her condition wears off quickly. There are a lot of missed opportunities in this film, nobody goes down on her and comes up faceless and the teethy snatch is never shown. I wish that this film had been made by Lloyd Kaufman or somebody with a sense of humor, then “Teeth” could have been the coming of age-horror-comedy that it should have been rather than the uneven boring mess it is.
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