Gory greetings horroryearbook alumni! Welcome to the second (and possibly last) edition of IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX, a new and exciting column where your old pal Brain Hammer reviews whatever random crap the good folks at horroryearbook decide to send my way.
It took several months of intensive therapy to recover from the negative effects of the last IT CAME FROM THE MAILBOX double feature. After I sent a few letters to Molly written in crayon assuring her that I was ok again she hesitatingly agreed to send me a few more flicks to review. Then the post office intervened and tucked the package up their anus for a few weeks before finally deciding to dump it in my mailbox. Breathless with anticipation, I tore open the envelope and much to my delight I discovered a cannibalism themed double feature lurking inside. Let’s dig in!
The night began with THE COOK (2008). The good folks at Anchor Bay Entertainment are the executive chefs responsible for this greasy little nugget they are currently promoting as a blood splattered black comedy.
Mark Hengst (ALIAS) stars as the weird new chef at the Lambda Epsilon Zeta sorority house. The sex obsessed sorority skanks are a haggard collection of sluts, stoners, and lesbians and they quickly dismiss the new cook from Hungary as a sexy looking simpleton who can’t speak a lick of English. What the girl’s don’t realize is that the goofy acting hungry chef from Hungary is actually a crazed cannibal killer, and that soon enough they’ll wind up next on his menu.
I went into this one with low expectations, and I believe that is the key to not being disappointed with the proceedings. This wound up being a much better film than I thought it would be. That’s honestly not much of a compliment because I thought this movie was going to be pure shit. But it more than delivered the goods in the gore and gratuitous nudity departments. There were some nice kills along the way and some graphic slaughter sequences that I thought were excellent. Much credit should be given to Mark Hengst for carrying the film with his offbeat performance in the title role. Mark does a great job alternating between being a bumbling idiot and a brutal savage killer.
The chicks are a nice assortment of eye candy. The roles are all shop worn stereotypes, so there’s no need to give them any individual attention. All of the chicks are decent enough actresses, and all of them look good topless, with the exception of the nasty looking redhead who plays the dominatrix. For some reason that chick really grated my nerves. It must be the flesh toned wart/pimple thing she has on her chin. As I was watching her pathetic attempts to act sexy and seduce the token bubble headed blonde bible thumper I kept wanting to throw a nickel at her and tell her to have a rat gnaw that thing off her face. My only other complaint was the fact that there wasn’t any dark meat on the menu.
THE COOK certainly doesn’t win any awards for originality but it was well made and entertaining. I find myself laughing a few more times than I expected and the film held my attention throughout. That’s really all I can ask for. This isn’t gourmet dining, it’s fast food all the way. Lowbrow horror fans with a hunger for boobs and blood should find it satisfying. Anchor Bay Entertainment recently released THE COOK on dvd. The bonus features include audio commentary with the producer/writer and the actors, a behind the scenes featurette, and audition footage.
The double feature was EAT YOUR HEART OUT (2008). Producer/star Joshua Nelson sent along a screening copy of his film to horroryearbook for review. This is the tender tale of a mixed up young man named Jeffrey (Jack Dillon) who falls in love with a hooker with a heart of gold named Pandora (Melissa Bacelar). Jeff quickly falls in love after coming inside Pandora’s box. Pandora falls in love with Jeffrey and opens up to him, but also hides a deadly secret. No, it’s not AIDS, it’s a ravenous taste for human flesh. Pretty Pandora is a prowling predator who routinely butchers her johns and devours their bloody flesh. Their already complicated relationship becomes even more troubled when a revenge minded relative of a retarded john that Pandora turned into a hot lunch begins hunting the cannibal hooker. Will love conquer all, or will Pandora eat Jeff’s heart out?
I had mixed feelings about this one. On one hand, I thought this independent horror flick featured decent acting, slick production values and editing, and some impressive looking gore. On the other hand I thought this flick was long winded, slack paced, and fairly tedious. It’s hard to believe that a flick about a cannibal hooker could be so damn boring. A large portion of the film is spent with the whiny loser character Jeffrey as he pisses and moans about being lonely and asks hookers out for lunch. The actor turns in a good performance, but it’s not exactly riveting stuff to watch.
The death scenes were easily the highlight of the film. Pandora is quite the sexy looking savage. She bites and claws her victims with great ferocity and takes great pleasure in gulping down their bloody raw flesh. Melissa Bacelar is quite impressive in the role of Pandora. There’s more whores in this flick than you can shake your stick at. The supporting cast includes characters named Nikki, Destiny, Passion, Kitten, and Venus. With names like those you would be correct in assuming that they are common street trash. Perverts rejoice, because here’s a lot of skin on display throughout. Don’t worry ladies, there’s a little something for you to enjoy in the massive form of actor Orville McCarter who steals the show while showing his belly in his trademark role of Fat John.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT is worth a look for horror fans looking for a sensitive sex flick laced with occasionally potent gore. Hardcore gore junkies looking for non stop sex and violence may be disappointed. If this flick was a bit shorter and spent more time with the hookers instead of the john it would have been a bigger winner. That said, I’ve seen a lot worse. I wish the folks at savagerosesfilms the best of luck with this picture.
KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!
