Street Team Massacre (2007)
Directed by Adam Deyoe & Eric Gosseli
Review by Greg Baty of The Playground Movie Reviews

Prelude: A man is given a taste test for a new mango energy drink. He loves it but maybe a little too much. The company has put too much of… something in it and it turns the dude into a hyperactive, murderous zombie gut-muncher!

A few years later: A new guy starts a job at Eco-Elixir, a once successful Earth-friendly energy drink company. He is a part of the street team whose job it is to go to events and promote the juice. He has all of these heady ideas about how he can help the company but doesn’t know that rival company Jock Juice is gunning for them. Everywhere that Eco-Elixir goes, Jock Juice follows and outdoes them.

When the team head to a hillbilly music festival they find out too late that Jock Juice has switched out a case of their juice with some of the tainted juice in the prelude. When the people arrive and start drinking, the poison takes effect. The now murderous (and uni-browed) festival-goers expel large amounts of vomit and the massacre on the street team begins!

Okay, with any ultra low-budget horror movie, there are going to be some shortcomings. This one is no different. The first two-thirds of the movie plays very slowly. When it finally kicks in, the gore and blood effects are atrocious. There really are no “gore effects”, it’s just a bunch of blood packets getting squeezed and splattered and some awful intestine effects. But the most important thing is… there were no boobs! None!

NOTE TO INDIE FILMMAKERS: ALWAYS INCLUDE BOOBS IN YOUR MOVIES! THE MORE, THE BETTER!!

The only thing I enjoyed even a little about this movie is the witty one-liners here and there done in a completely deadpan way. Some of my favorites: “I wish this was still a rape camp” and “I DON”T WANT A UNI-BROW!”. Sometimes the comedy is almost an aside, so pay attention. Rachel Castillo who plays the leading lady was by far the most interesting character. Mostly because she is really sexy, but even that couldn’t save the movie for me.

A cameo by Troma’s Lloyd Kaufman should give you some indication about what kind of movie this is. Of course Lloyd is a cameo whore so maybe it doesn’t. So, unless you are really into low-budget horror and just want to blindly support it, don’t bother with this one. Unless, of course, you have an energy juice-swilling vomit fetish.

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