8 Films to Die For: Crazy Eights (2007)
Directed by James Koya Jones
When 2006’s “Crazy Eights” played in theaters last fall as one of the eight films picked to be part of the nationwide, second-annual After Dark Horrorfest, the movie was marketed as “The Big Chill” meets “Silent Hill.” And for once, the generally misleading folks who write such ad-copy bullshit were right. “Crazy Eights” is just as annoyingly whiney and over dramatic as “The Big Chill” and even more boring and devoid of plot than “Silent Hill.” I just don’t know why After Dark films paid somebody to make these comparisons. I thought they wanted people to pay to see their movies. Wait, they included the comparisons as a compliment?
For the second March in a row, failed director Courtney Solomon’s horrid production company, After Dark Films, has released the eight films from their November Horrorfest on DVD. And for the second year in a row rather than elevate the horror community by putting out eight great or even good films, After Dark drops a pile of shit into fans’ laps and expects them to pick them up for twenty bucks a pop. While almost half of last year’s crop were either enjoyable or at least noteworthy, this year’s lineup is fucking terrible, and at the bottom of the list, standing on the shoulders of “Nightmare Man,” is “Crazy Eights.”
The plot for “Crazy Eights” is something that must have been scraped off the floor of “Twilight Zone” creator Rod Serling’s bathroom floor. Six childhood friends are brought together at the funeral of a seventh friend, and during the settling of his estate a map to a time capsule the friends made as children is discovered. Inside the time capsule are the remains of a long-dead child. It’s now-awakened ghost haunts the seven friends, trapping them in an abandoned hospital and eventually begins to pick them off one by one. The group tries to understand what the phantom wants, and in doing so the story reveals a secret about their past they never saw coming, unless they read the film’s on-screen prologue that essentially gives away the film’s “shock” ending.
“Crazy Eights” is a boring uninspired mess. There isn’t a likeable character in the group, and the bulk of the film is just people running through rooms. First time feature film director James Koya Jones tries to cover up the film’s lack of “substance” by going overboard on the “style.” Annoying camera tricks, music-video-worthy lighting effects, and lame scene transitions fail to hide the amateurish nature of the flick.
The only effective or memorable moment in “Crazy Eights” occurs when the skeleton formally known as Gabrielle Anwar is attacked by the ghostly fiend, and we see the gory aftermath of her encounter. But that’s it. There are no other scares to be found, precious little gore, and not a drop of nudity to be seen. I’m not suggesting that gore or nudity are essential to a successful horror film, but if you aren’t going to bother to try and scare me, at least try to titillate me. The three chicks in this movie have all dropped their tops in the name of “art” before, so why can’t they show “a little boob” this time around? Sorry Gabrielle, that pun was unintentional, now quit crying and go eat a fucking sandwich.
I realize that it’s unfair of me to compare “Crazy Eights” to the other eight films included in the After Dark Horrorfest, but when you release eight films together, comparisons such as these are unavoidable. But rather than compare “Crazy Eights” to the other films, I’ll simply say that it was the film with the best-known and most-veteran cast, yet it squanders them through its eighty-minute run time. I’m not daring to suggest that Traci Lords is any kind of a master thespian, but she along with Dina (the “Saw” films) Meyer, Gabrielle (“Body Snatchers”) Anwar, Frank (“Vacancy”) Whaley, and character actor George Newman have proven that they are capable of more than this script has to offer.
One of the single most annoying factors of “Crazy Eights” is that the group find themselves “trapped” within a window-filled building. Watching people freak out about being held against their will while standing directly in front of a row of windows is fucking stupid. Sure, the majority of windows have bars on them, but nobody ever tries to even break the glass and scream for help. “Crazy Eights” is the kind of movie that you don’t pause when you get up to pee. In fact, on your way back to the television you might stop to brush your teeth, make a sandwich, or do your taxes.
For each of these eight films that completely misses the mark I’m going to openly suggest a different horror film that actually succeeds where the reviewed film fails. This time around “Crazy Eights” filmmakers tried to create a spooky atmosphere in an abandoned building that’s haunted by some terrifying sprit. To see this genre of film done correctly, pick up Brand Anderson’s brilliantly terrifying “Session 9.” It features a post “NYPD Blue,” pre-“CSI” David Caruso, who heads up an asbestos cleaning crew working in an abandoned mental hospital. It’s creepy as hell and one of the most effective uses of an abandoned building ever attempted in a horror flick.
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