Spiral

Director: Adam Green, Joel David Moore

Cast: Joel David Moore, Amber Tamblyn, Zachary Levi

Review by Tony D from FilmArcade.net

Wil personally asked me to review a screener Adam Green’s third feature length film “Spiral.” Being that my video store never received a copy, and being that I wanted to check it out, I told him that he was on. Molly sent it out to me, and I received it in the mail two weeks ago. A review I read compared “Spiral” to William Friedkin’s previous directorial efforts “Bug,” and I was convinced that “Spiral” would be pretty damn good.

Nope. Not even close.

“Spiral” is easily one of the single most boring movies that I had the opportunity to watch. It’s dubbed as a psychological thriller, but it’s closer to being a drama about nothing. Nothing happens and it’s just dialogue after more dialogue. For seventy-five minutes, Moore keeps to himself and cries to Tamblyn. Then once it finally starts to pick up, it ends with the most predictable twist since “The Sixth Sense,” and it goes NOWHERE. It begs the question – why the hell did we waste our good money and time to watch shit that doesn’t do anything in the first goddamn place?

Mason (Joel David Moore) is a telemarketer who is clearly out of place in both his job and the world. He draws portraits for a living, and his number one rule is to never look at a portrait until it’s finished. Adam Green tries to get it through our head so many times in this picture, it’s like he opens up our asscheeks and stamps it into our cavities. Anyway, while drawing on his lunch break, he meets Amber, (Amber Tamblyn) a sweet but shy girl. Mason is sure that Amber is the girl for him, but Mason’s best friend Berk (Zachary Levi) sees something wrong with the pair. It’s only a matter of time until someone gets hurt…

And yes, that someone is the viewer. Hey, you’re reading my opinion, so you’re gonna like it.

The problem with “Spiral” is that it never really decides what it wants to be. For periods of time, characters are abandoned and genres are shifting. It begins intriguingly, but then it starts as a usual depressing drama. I know that I give this excuse often, but something tells me that this wasn’t Adam Green’s fault. How can Green, the same guy who directed the enormously fun film “Hatchet,” direct such a boring and depressing film like “Spiral?” Not to mention, why would Green even get INVOLVED with a film like “Spiral?” Doesn’t it give away the ending in the title ALONE?

Dare if I say that this has good acting, but everyone tried too hard… except for Zachary Levi. Oh, he worked at trying to be like everyone else, but in the end, he played Zachary Levi, the same one that we saw in “Chuck” (and thank god too, because I would have gone ape-shit on the movie by now). He seems to be the only one that “gets” the joke of the movie.

Joel David Moore totally does a different job than what he usually plays in films like “Hatchet” and “Grandma’s Boy.” Normally, it would be a good thing, but in this case, it doesn’t work at all. He still looks like an Autistic patient without his helmet on, but he is playing the role of Mason like he thinks he should be nominated for Best Actor, and if he was put up against Daniel Day-Lewis, hell, I’ll admit, that guy never would have stood a chance. People will recognize his talent to play different roles, but everyone else will fail to recognize that he isn’t right for a role like this.

As far as the ending goes, I don’t want to spoil it for you. I’ve read some geeks over at IMDb trying to explain their interpretation of the ending and it is still right in front of you goddamn eyes. One of the many people on the message board went out of their way to claim that “Spiral” is their favorite movie. That tells me that there is no help for the youth of America. We have officially gone to shit. It’s time to bend over and kiss our asses goodbye.

And I know what many people are saying. Millions of people who declare themselves as proud members of the Hatchet Army are probably protesting to Wil that they get someone else to review the film, while others are going to hunt my MySpace blog down and try to dig up information on me. Jesus Christ, I guarantee you that the leader of the Hatchet Army has already tried to find out the last time that I pissed. I don’t care though. As you all watch “Spiral” for the one-hundredth time, I will be at home, laughing at all of you cellar-dwellers who memorized all of Amber Tamblyn’s dialogue.

Did I insult you all for calling you guys “cellar-dwellers?”
1 * out of 4 ****