What comes to mind when you read the phrases “low budget”, “straight to DVD” or, my new favorite “shot on DV” about a horror movie? Don’t wanna guess? Fine, I’ll tell you what you think; contrived, badly written, badly acted cheese. And there are not many movies out there that will prove you wrong. Don’t misunderstand; I love low budget cheesy horror if it’s fun to watch. It’s when they take themselves too seriously that pisses me off and Carver does just that. I probably don’t even need to tell you the plot because you have seen it a ba-jillion times. But I like to torture people, so here it goes…
A group of young people are on their way camping when they stop at a restaurant / service station to grab a bite to eat. Of course there is the redneck owner and a fat oafish dude working there, typical. The Sheriff comes in, looks menacingly at the outsiders and takes the oaf away for questioning for a murder. When the group of kids is leaving, the owner asks them to help him carry some supplies in from the shed. Reluctantly they oblige and while they are there, they happen to find some 8mm movies and a projector, so being the fun-loving, whacky kids they are, they watch the films. They look to be low budget movies showing people getting murdered in gruesome ways. (Oh, how witty. People in a low budget horror movie watching what they think is a low budget horror movie.) Of course the movies turn out to be real and the killer soon finds the kids snooping around and the carnage begins. Ho-hum!
There is so much I want to say about this shit pile that I can’t even collect my thoughts well enough to put them all down, but I’ll try. Just for you. I don’t really care that the story isn’t original or that the plot has HUGE holes in it or that the characters are cliché or that the acting is a little iffy. Hell, the acting wasn’t that horrible when you compare it to the rest of the movie. That’s all to be expected from this kind of movie and you have to adjust your expectations while watching it. But come on, at least keep me interested. The first 70 minutes of the movie was really fucking boring “characterization” bullshit that didn’t work at all. They still were the same old shit- the bimbo, the asshole, the brothers with the troubled relationship, etc, etc. There was no sex or no real carnage (aside from some edited in “flashback” bullshit) to keep me from almost nodding off.
The girls in the movie - who, according to the Slasher Movie Handbook should be hot and get naked - were NOT attractive and aside from the bimbo running around in her panties, stayed clothed. The blond “good-time girl” looked like a poor man’s Sherri Moon-Zombie. The sensible brunette looked like a cross between the adult “Angela” from the Sleepaway Camp franchise and a piranha. A big, toothy piranha. The killer was re-tard-ed. A fat tub who doesn’t utter a word and wears what looks to be a leather 1920s pilot headpiece complete with goggles. Lame. Come to think of it, I do have a gripe about the writing; since when do people lie there silent and motionless while getting murdered? There were 2 instances that I remember right off hand where they both laid there, without being restrained or anything, and let the fatty torture and kill them. And one of them didn’t even try to yell or scream!
The one thing that the movie had going for it was a few pretty graphic torture/murder scenes. The DVD packaging boasts “See what everyone is calling ‘the most horrific scene in horror film history’!”. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but that particular scene involved shit, testicles and pliers. ‘Nuff said. There is also a pretty cool scene (aside from the chick just laying there taking the abuse) where the bimbo gets “nailed”, so to speak, over and over and over again. And yet another rough scene involves a dude who gets beat to death with a HUGE sledgehammer in graphic detail. But those cool moments don’t save the movie, not by a mile. And of course, with a movie like this, you have to have a “twist” ending. And with this one, like most badly written movies, you could see it coming from a mile away.
Take it from me, Greg B., and don’t waste your time on this steaming pile.
Review by Greg Baty of The Playground Movie Review
